Not said by me: "Jesus says, 'Get a car wash!'"

Said by me: "I know why you won't meet my eyes, you money-grubbing Earth killer!"

I would care less if I were drunk all the time. Well, I have four years, six months, three weeks, and six days until it is legal for me to imbibe yeast turds.

A car and unlimited gas only provides an illusion of freedom.

I like it when kids say that songs are like two minutes and thirty-eight seconds of heaven. It doesn't seem like a cliché to me, it never had.

Alex found it very interesting that a search for "horse cult" on Google returned my site in the top ten. It is interesting that "goldfish lectures" also returns my site high. "Steel puppies" brings up, you guessed it, my site. So does "mountain lions and cows." Perhaps I am an animal lover at heart.

"I fought hard. But your guns were well aimed. The bullets flew like birds in the air, and whizzed by our ears like the wind through the trees in the winter. My warriors fell around me.." does not make me feel sorry for Native Americans. It makes me hate them, want to go kill some myself with a "well aimed gun."

Every day of junior hell is one day closer to senior hell.

Like they say, I don't care enough about other people to commit suicide.

Adding the word "trousers" to one's screen name is sure to make it interesting.

Now that video game controllers vibrate, girls have officially become obsolete.

I've got your peace and love right here. (Waves around penis pump.)

Physics is a load of tripe, and it's important to remember, as we explore atheism and other wonders, that a scientific religion is not many steps higher than a religious religion.

First Major Premise: American society is based on sex.
Second Major Premise: No one likes sex with ugly, fat people.
Minor Premise: Americans are becoming ugly and fat.
Conclusion: Therefore.. American society is doomed.

I like my smooth, pretty arm the way it is, scar-less. It is for purely cosmetic reasons that I do not let my rage turn into self-mutilation.

You want to buy those power-to-woman, anti-Britney Spears kid CDs. "My life sucks," sang in minor key by a woman. Or a girl, who is slightly pudgy, and not exactly attractive. Congratulations, fight MTV. Fight it for the little man, the ugly woman.

Note- revert to silence. The mindless roar of the television quiets the suicide smack.

Anyone who uses a condom is my personal hero.

The telemarketers keep hanging up on me. I try to make friends with them. This is actually not that easy (I'm sure you've tried too) because they have a script, but the solution is to simply make a script of your own. Calls tend to go like this: A man from MCI said that we make long distance phone calls. I asked him how he knew, and he replied that he assumed we did. I asked, so you dialed a random number, and you assume that we make long distance calls, and you are magically correct? The man is quiet. Then I asked him what he'd say if I told him our provider is already MCI. He said he can give me a lower rate anyway! Then I started laughing (poor MCI), and he huffed and hung up on me.

This is the remix of that other life we lived that wasn't very good either.

What shall you do with your money, when you are wealthy? Buy more money?

God is a finger on my mattress, dead and dying. I shall place Him in a jar.

Why didn't Jesus teach you about homonyms?

Hey, guys, what's a Buddhist dilemma? There are none!

We created God, God created us. Eh. Same thing.

Our consciousness created God. That we can think and feel and exist is amazing itself. That is all people worship anyway. They can call it "God" if they want.

Without sex, I wouldn't be here. I wish I weren't here. Therefore, sex is dumb.

I do two things with my life. I ride a bicycle and I take pictures of dead rats. I claim to see the Judeo-Christian God in the rats' dead eyes. In their deceased, beady little eyes... I see Yahweh.

I'm vague and enigmatic, and then I whine about being misunderstood.

Everyone all over the world is moving towards a sort of disillusioned, depressed American atheism… and once that's achieved, world peace is inevitable!

Your music does not have to confirm your stupidity or your unhappiness.