Sometimes the best ideas come while you're sitting on the pot, unless of course you have constipation. I think that's the main problem with constipation. Everyone else gets these crazy cool ideas for dreams they'll have later or inventions they'll make serious millions and millions on later, and they won't give me even one dollar. What's up with that anyway? I want a dollar. If everyone on this planet gave me a dollar, I'd be so rich, I could help a lot of people, but then those people would just end up getting constipation because that's what happens when you sleep too much, so in a way I haven't helped anyone at all. That's really just too bad, or at least it would be except I don't really care after all, which is perfectly good for me because then I don't have to feel guilty about it either. Guilt isn't a good feeling to have. Look at all those people that have written moving quotations about how it eats away at you and your colon so you end up getting constipation because if you don't have a colon, you can't get that poop out. It ain't going anywhere. It isn't going anywhere. Colons have rather good grammar. They know how to write English well. By that logic, I could be a colon. I smell funny. Maybe I am a colon. Maybe you're a colon. Maybe we're all colons, and we just never realized because I'd thought all this time we had brains, but now that I fart about it, it makes sense that we don't. Huh? Yup. Dandy. Doodle.

When the sky is blue, I look at it and think, hmm, that's blue. What else would I think?

Other things in this world are also blue, but you may necessarily not think about them. I certainly don't.

Who let the dogs out? The kitty did. Then she chased them around, and they got so scared that they ran into the Port-A-Potty.

Here's a new game. Write as many stories as you can in one minute about turkey fingers. Ready? Go!

Choke on them and go to turkey heaven. They come after you and eat YOUR fingers there. But it's ok because then they always choke on Sammy's fingers (he doesn't like cutting his nails on a regular basis) and then they go to heaven, where the people choke on the turkeys'. Tragedy that cycle.

For turkeys, it's just not fair. Not only are they funny looking and unable to fly, they cannot trace their wings and make people out of them and then if they're famous, have it be printed in some silly magazine with nothing better to do.

Turkey fingers revolt against ranch dressing. They'll jump off the plate and strangle your gross breath right out of you. What a shame that.

They do not make blue turkey fingers. That's too bad except you know, turkeys are so cool, they don't need to be blue. You've heard the phrase "Cool as a turkey"? Yeah, I think they meant "coor as a turkey" too because they are among the coorish of all the birds I know personally. All of them.

Babies coo when they're happy. They're like birds. I wish I had a baby. They are so much fun.

Little boys shouldn't have potbellies. That's just wrong.

Sometimes minutes are killed with a simple saucepan, and at other times, more drastic and dustier methods are called for. I hate not liking people, probably more than I hate not being liked myself.

In other news, I was yet again not run over by our sub. Did our regular die? Have a baby? Saw her way to good fortune? Maybe she'll call.

If you allow a person to think that you like him or her, as some sort of friend, when really all you want is to gain something for yourself, don't be too surprised if you end up messing up the person forever and ever, even if you aren't the sort of person that is necessarily worth getting messed up for.

My garage smells like someone else's house.

I'm in love. Once he was talking to someone and that someone told him: you know, a little elbow grease makes the world go 'round, I scratch your back and you scratch mine. He didn’t know what he meant. The other guy said, no stop scratching my back, I meant if I do you a favor, you do me a favor.

Maybe my sense of humor hasn't died just yet because I can't stop laughing about calling people "decrepit bags of monkey bones."

That's what I do when people randomly ask me for money. They ask, "Can you give me a quarter?" I ask, "Can you tell me my name?"

You know how everyone keeps saying "God bless America" and then right afterwards "Let's bomb 'em to hell and back"? That bothers me. We should say "God bless people" instead.

People kill other people for no apparent reason, and then other people kill the first because they killed people for no apparent reason. So goes life. God bless people.

Maybe we'll evolve back into monkeys. They seem to have a much better ability to survive than we do. And it's all about the survival of the fittest. God bless people, the monkeys of the future.

School is never as bad as you'll think it will be, once it starts. You just sort of get used to it. It's like death. Or cancer.

Nothing surprises anyone anymore, except when they are surprised, but then, they usually lie and say they aren't really surprised after all.

Psychiatrist Said - all these are actual statements made by an actual psychiatrist

1. There are many jobs available for students of psychiatry. Take government jobs, for example, like in jails. Did you know that 99% of prisoners are depressed, and many are psychotic? They all need drugs to control their craziness.
2. Okay, and don't worry about how hard school is. In order to be a psychiatrist, you don't have to be special. You just have to have it all together. Vital, that is.
3. And as far as not getting enough sleep, you can think of that as training for when you are a full blown psychiatrist because, after all, when the sun goes down, people crack. Then psychiatrists get calls saying, oh, golly, I've taken an overdose, or, hmm, I have cut my wrists.
4. Now is the time to join the field of psychiatry. It is much easier to treat people because the drugs work so much better without the horrible side effects, such as death or the possibility of death. Crazy people inevitably get better nowadays, with these miracle drugs, and if by some fluke they don't, you can always refer them out.
5. Let's talk a bit about schizophrenia and some of the symptoms. Many times, you will find that the patient smells things that aren't really there, unpleasant things. For example, the patient will smell rotten meat or maybe he will smell feces. Eww, right? But, consider: Which do you think would be worse, smelling feces when there are no feces, or smelling feces when there are feces?