People are often standing pressed up against each other. All I can say is wear some deodorant or anti-perspirant. If you're a man, try not to let the "bouncy and exciting" effects of the tube cause you an embarrassment when you're pressed against another woman. A strategically placed briefcase works wonders here, and will save you getting your face slapped!

I once heard a tube story of a woman who was being groped by a man in a crowded tube. She picked up his hand from her rear end, held it in the air and loudly said "Does this belong to anyone, as it seems to be attached to my bottom?" The man went purple with embarrassment and slunk off the tube at the next stop.

I also have another story from overseas on the same subject:

Seventy-five per cent of women in Seoul, Korea, who responded to a recent questionnaire on the issue of groping on the underground indicated that they had indeed been victims of 'gropers'.

Violent crimes are rare in South Korea, but groping in different forms, like a men rubbing up against women or thrusting their hands under clothing are common on crowded tubes or buses.

Ninety-eight percent of respondents suggested that anti-groping signs might be a positive step. To this end signs were erected warning patrons to refrain from 'unpleasant acts of repulsive behaviour toward other passengers'. Spitting and smoking were not on the agenda.
reprinted by kind permission of Routes, The Sequel, by Heinz Hammer.

And another similar tale from Cameron McCameron on my guestbook

Now I know that many of you reading this are tourists and are planning to use the tube as a cheap form of travel to and from airports and to railway stations to get you out of London and into the country. But nothing annoys people more than ruck sacks the size of mini camper vans strapped to people's backs. Particularly when those people suddenly think they ought to be auditioning for the ballet and start doing pirouettes in the middle of a carriage. If you're going to turn around with one of those great things on your back the chances are, if you're travelling in the rush hour, someone will be very close behind you and won't appreciate having a piece of canvas, Goretex or whatever smashed into their face. Give us poor daily commuters a break and try and travel outside of the rush hour with your backpack.

One more word on this from Robert Cumming from New Zealand who recently signed the guestbook:

"Fantastic website. It really reminds me of the two years that I spent in London. I have broken many of the rules in the your guide i.e. sleeping, puking, snogging (and much worse after a Sunday afternoon at The Church - A notorious drinking club frequented by loads of Antipodeans on a Sunday) got stuck in the door. I love the tube, it's fantastic. I must have been to nearly every station. The tube scared me to death when I first arrived fresh of the plane with backpack and skis in hand. Never try and carry skis in rush hour, people really hate you.

There was really horrible story recently about a little girl getting stuck in the doors, fortunately she survived though. Then another story appeared a week or so later, which also turned out OK.

I know you may have to wait an eternity for the next train to come along (particularly if you're travelling on the Northern Line) but sometimes it isn't worth the hassle of hurling yourself onto the train at the mercy of the closing jaws.

Here's a sad tale from Richard Gellman from Portsmouth who signed my guestbook:

"Recently, while in london, I attempted to board a Central Line train at Tottenham Court Road. When I arrived at the eastbound platform, I saw the train waiting and immediately stepped on board. Suddenly, without warning, the doors began closing. No announcement or anything. Clearly the sensors had been turned off because the doors didn't notice my body standing between them. I wasn't quick enough to get into the train and *WHACK*, two doors hit me quite hard, one on each side of the head. I managed to get my head through (now hurting slightly) but my right leg had got trapped between the doors. I just managed to pull it into the train before the train moved off, to the slight amusement of other passengers of the train. I had a headache for the rest of the day after that."

The strange thing is that the minute you want the doors to close shut for good they will usually miraculously open in time to let some undesireable onto the tube. Chris Tarrant on Capital Radio FM said it's usually when you see a "fat, sweaty man with halitosis lumbering on with his flatulant growling dog" who'll then spend the rest of the journey pressed up beside you.

Here's a good story from Peter Mackay of London

"I did hear a tale once concerning a big black guy with a big afro, who gets on the tube and stands nonchalantly by the door, only for the doors to close on his hair. "No sweat" he says, "I'll wait until the next station". Of course, the next few stations all open on the opposite side."

And another closing doors tale from Jenny Wot

"I remember one time I was on the tube and a man was standing right next to the doors that were about to shut. His head seemed that little too close to them, and I thought he was going to get his head trapped. But to my surprise when the doors then closed it wasn't his head that was caught - his buttocks got shut in the door! He looked rather flustered as he squeezed himself back out and everyone in that part of the carriage had to try very hard to compress their laughter until the man had gotten off! Always remember to keep your arms, legs and bottoms clear of the closing doors!"

Here's a good note from Mark Lang in Australia who recently signed my guestbook:

"On a recent trip to the London and beyond, after the obligitory 26 hour flight, a friend and I jumped on to the tube for the first time. Later in the trip around europe she continued going on about "Max the Cat". I thought it was too much german beer and not enough sleep! Imagine the hilarity when upon returning to London and jumping on to the tube, she exclaims, "What are they saying? Mind the Gap!!"

"She'd thought that the anouncers on the underground were saying "Max the Cat"!! I can't imagine why you think Aussies are daft!!"

" Bassman" joined a conversation I had started on H2G2, saying "I actually met the actress who did the voice for that announcement, believe it or not, in a flight simulator at RAF Benson. She was the girlfriend of a chap that my mate had invited along for a spin, the same day I went. Apparently all her mates call her Miss Mind The Gap."

A little sign off here from Stoaty of Gants Hill

However if you want to talk on the tube and think it should be encouraged check out this page and join the Movement for Unbridled Conversation on Underground Services (MUCUS). Here's what it's leader says:

"The Underground underground. Urban warriors challanging the tyrrany of tube travel.

Too long have the carriages of our underground services remained silent, governed by the hegemony of corporate opression. Too long have the only people who would dare to speak up been drunk incoherent madmen, and Romanian Accordian players. It is time for YOU, the people, to stand up and be counted. You too can have a "friendly chat", exchange pleasantaries with your fellow traveller, or bemoan the lack of buffet services on the underground.

Our time is now!! Rise up in your carriage, and make a passing comment about the cut of the dour gentleman-seated-opposite-you's suit. Suggest to a city line carriage packed with Merchant Bankers that you play a game of Eye-Spy. You have the power, but you must seize the moment! It is not too late to open the hearts, minds and mouths of our brethren travellers.

Join MUCUS now! Our brothers in the underground need your support. Even if you have never seen a tube train, you conversational support will give our brothers and sisters the offhand remarks they need to battle the system of silence. If you are actively involved in preaching the revolutionalry gospel, tell us of your exploits in bringing MUCUS to the downtrodden commuters of London, Paris, New York, and Frankfurt."

I'll say no more!!!

However, it seems that even if you're the Prime Minister, that no one will talk to you when you get on the tube. Go here for the full story - it's a cracker.

A final word on this disgusting subject from Elizabeth Owen who signed my guestbook:

"A friend of a friend, who shall remain nameless, had a little too much to drink one night. Okay, a lot too much. Her friends throw her on the tube to take her home. Halfway through the journey, she begins to feel ill and her friend frantically hands her a plastic bag she found in which she is meant to voam (archaic word meaning to puke, look it up in the OED). She accomplishes this with admirable swiftness and sets the bag on the seat beside her. They come to another stop and the following events take place in the space of ten seconds, or however long the doors stay open: A man runs onto the train, unceremoniously plopping down in the seat with the puke bag, before they could stop him or he could notice that he was sitting on a bag. The puke squishes out of the bag, gets on him, he becomes aware and quite angry, naturally. He stands up quickly whilst uttering many foul words, picks up the bag and hurls it at full speed through the still open doors where it SPLATS against the wall of the station. Luckily, there weren't many people around. Like I said, it was a friend of a friend."

Catherine Wilsey from Montreal wishes that their subway system did have the "stand on the right" rule:

"I know sometimes tourists break the "stand to the right" rule in london and hinder the progress of hurried commuters, but hey; at least london HAS a rule. Montreal does not and when you're halfway down the escalator when you hear your train coming into the station and you're trying to hurl yourself down the escalator and through the turnstiles to catch the train, only to be hindered by people standing idly on BOTH sides of the escalator, you really wish there was a rule."

Another person on the same subject from Claire in SW17 who signed my guestbook

"Without fail, if it is after 8pm any day of the week, and I head home from Piccadilly Circus on the Piccadilly line, my senses will be assaulted by vile and lewd snogging noises and sights. Flashes of tongue, slurping sounds, roving hands...I have seen and heard quite enough, thank you. Perhaps my bitterness arises from a bad break-up and the fact that no one is attempting to show this kind of affection for me, other than the various drunkards who've thrown mildly offensive and sexual propositions my way. But I really think that, even if I did have someone to snog, I wouldn't do it in front of thirty bored, hot, irritable, bitter, silent strangers in a fully lit tube carriage. Conspicuous consumption, if you ask me, shoving it in peoples' faces that you have something that they don't have, or at least, I don't have.

And a couple of little notes from Cameron McCameron who signed my guestbook

: "I wish people would cover their mouths when they cough. I am often tempted to lean over and say "Thanks for sharing that with us" but have not done so yet.

I once saw a guy hawk up and spit a green lugey (loogie?) onto the floor of a Met line train."

This really isn't a wise move, otherwise you'll find yourself at the end of a tube line and not even in London at all like Upminster (which is in Essex) or in Uxbridge (Middlesex). Luckily I live one stop away from the end of a tube line and on most of the recent occasions when I've fallen asleep on the tube, I've just had to curse myself for my stupidity and go back one stop home. At college (when I actually did want to go to Uxbridge) I had a work placement in the City and out of the rush hour the Metropolitan line did not run straight from the City back to Uxbridge and you had to change at Baker Street. Many a time I found myself on some part of the Circle line as I hadn't changed at Baker Street. I also remember waking up the President of our Student Union at Uxbridge as I saw him fast asleep on the carriage of the last train.

One of the worst things about falling asleep on the tube is that most of the time you look like a complete idiot. I've seen people drooling, heard them snoring and worst of all I've seen loads of those people who insist on lying on the person next to them. Some people are very polite about it and just try to wriggle over a bit and hope that they wake up - but be warned, this does not stop the serious sleeper. What you need to do is elbow them sharply in the side and then look straight ahead. The sharp elbow will wake them up and hopefully they'll realise what they were doing and try to stay awake or at least not lean on you.

There was brilliant ad on TV a while ago about a thrush treatment of all things - saying that people leaning on you whilst they were asleep on the tube was one of life's annoying things you couldn't do much about (whereas their thrush treatment cleared up another of life's annoying things - stretching the point I know, but that's ad agencies for you!!).

The worst case of someone sleeping on public transport was a woman who people felt had fallen asleep on a train. In fact she was really ill and was in a coma. She was only found when the train had come to it's final stop. So if you see someone really deeply asleep and it's the end of the line, please try to wake them up, they will thank you for it, and they will be far more embarrassed than you. I've got loads of people to thank for waking me up the end of a line and I've never been annoyed with them!!

For "insider" stories of people being found dead on the tube at the end of lines check out Tube Prune's website.

Robert Cumming from New Zealand adds another bit of caution to this

"One evening after catching the last train home from Shepherds' Bush I fell into a drunken stupor. I missed getting off and transfering at Bond Street to the Jubliee Line and woke up the next morning in an empty train in depot. I thought they would have checked the trains before putting them away, especially on a Friday night."

Never anticipate anything on the Underground.

Here's a fun little story from Stephen Rees who signed my guestbook

"My father used to tell this story - which he swore was true. If not, it should be:

An elegant lady of a certain age fell asleep on the District Line and woke only when the train arrived at the end of the line - Upminster. She asked the guard (adopt high pitched Girton accent for this bit) "Excuse me is this Aldgate East?"

Guard (adopt guttural estuary English)"Nah, lady, it's all git aht!"

A cautionary tale from Sean here who used to work on the Underground

"The falling asleep bit reminded me of one story from when I worked on the tube. When Angel was a island platform, some tramp fell asleep on one of the benches, through some menaced sleep he managed to roll off the bench and then off the platform onto the line, luckily (well kind of) most of him fell into the "pit", however his left leg didn't and was promptly removed by the next train. This one legged tramp was pointed out to me during training .. never EVER sleep on the platform !"

I'm indebted to Philip Cartwright for this section, as it follows on from the section above about when to give up your seat and is all about the complete opposite - how to mercilessly find your seat!!

"This is an art form in itself, and, as with all such things, it takes practice and dedication to become a master.

"Knowing where to stand on the platform is a good starting point. Tube novices tend to watch empty carriage after empty carriage slide past only to find that the one which pulls up in front of them is a near-liquid mass of humanity.

"Then comes getting on the train. If you do this well, you'll be among the first through the doors and in a prime position to snap up a seat. But if you do it badly, you'll have to watch fuming while others sit in (relative) comfort.

"And once on the train itself (assuming you haven't found a seat straight away), there are any number of skills to be deployed - where in the carriage do you stand? How can you spot sitting passengers who are about to leave at the next stop? And how can you ensure they leave without going past you to the door (this is called the "tide" effect - it's much harder to get a seat when you have to swim against the tide - and it applies both to getting on the train and to reaching a free seat from inside the carriage)? It may be spoiling it for those in the know, but it's high time to shine a light on the secret art of sitting on the tube."
Philip Cartwright

Had a brilliant entry in the guestbook from Lucy Godden from London on getting a seat:

How to get a seat on a London tube train

1. First board your train.
When the train comes in, obviously you hurl yourself onto it in the hope of winning one of the available seats. But if there aren’t any, or if someone else beats you to it through superior Pre-Train Arrival platform/sliding door alignment, here’s what you do. Firstly, go and stand in the middle of the lines of seats rather than hanging around by the door. Otherwise lots of other people will also pile onto the train at the last minute, stand by the seats and grab them when they become available.

2. Stand next to people who look as if they are about to get off
This may sound impossible but in fact you have lots of clues. Look at what people are wearing. People wearing suits are likely to get off at places where lawyers and City folk hang out eg Temple, Chancery Lane, Bank and Liverpool Street. Tourists will get off at big sightseeing stations (South Kensington, Tower Hill, St Paul’s) and tourists with rucksacks will get off at major train stations such as Victoria and Kings Cross.

3. Watch for Pre-Departure Shuffling - PDS
Seated passengers will start to fidget around shortly before they rise from their seat and get off the train - closing their book and putting it in their bag, folding their newspaper, looking to see where they have put their umbrella etc. Generally, they will only start to do PDS one stop before they get off, to avoid giving wrong signals to lurking Seat-Hunters.

4. Win Your Seat
Once you’ve identified your imminently departing Seated Passenger, you have to compete for the seat with other lurking Seat-Hunters. Not an easy business when there are several of you and you’ve all identified the Pre-Departure Shuffling. Some tube etiquette should be observed - ie if you are closest to the Imminent Departing Passenger, you have the greatest claim on their seat.

"Last week I had an unfortunate incident at Kings Cross station involving a rip-off merchant and a LU employee and would welcome an official response of LU. Basically what happened was a woman approached me, told me a sob story about having snapped her train ticket in half, needing to get home to Brentford and having no money. She hung me a convincing line and I, to my shame, took it and ended up giving her a fiver to get home. We, of course, swapped addresses and phone numbers and went our separate ways.

"At that point, an LU employee (a supervisor) asked me if the woman was claiming she was stranded. At my response he remarked "she's down here doing that every night". I was astounded that this guy had just stood there and watched me being taken for a mug. When I questioned him about this, he said when he had previously intervened he had been told to mind his own business. He also said it was the job of the police and not LU. I disputed both his comments - he was there representing LU and its customers and part of that role must be to protect us. I am in the Customer Service industry and I can't believe that an employee can just turn a blind eye to criminal activity going on underneath his nose. I am, in fact, far more incensed by the LU employee's attitude and lack of action than I am by the woman who ripped me off!

"Preferably I would expect compensation from LU for this incident (not just losing £5 but giving away my personal details). At the very least, I would expect an apology and/or some kind of expectation. The employee in question wasn't manning a desk or barrier so if his role wasn't to protect the customers and the station from criminal what exactly was it. I find it worrying that he is a supervisor so can influence his staff to behave equally incompetently!"

Just be careful out there folks.

However there are certain people who act as though they are invisible but are certainly highly visible (more's the pity). These people are nose pickers. Many's the time when I have sat across from someone and (not wanting to be sexist here but it's usually a man) they've been picking their nose like fury. This is pretty repulsive at the best of times but some people seem to think they get a cloak of invisibility on the tube and just think this gives them carte blanche to pick away. I feel like some headmistress by saying this, but "if you wouldn't do it at home, why do it here". Problem is they probably do it at home, which is fine. Maybe it should be "if you wouldn't do it in the office why do it here". So just in case any of you get the urge to have a pick, remember, although it looks as though everyone ignores everyone else on the tube, someone, somewhere - probably me - will be watching you!

Here's a great story from Elizabeth Owen from California:

"The most disgusting incident involving someone who thought he was invisible occurred on the East-bound District line heading in from Ealing Broadway. An odd-looking man, who was practically leaning on the very uncomfortable woman to his left, was eating flaky pastry of some sort, most probably a mangled croissant. It was flaking all over his trousers, leaving icky crumbs everywhere. After he had finished his pastry, he proceeded to scratch his head, releasing countless icky bits of dandruff or God only knows what else, which also settled on his trousers and the unfortunate and disgusted surrounding passengers. After taking a swig of his beverage, he then leant over and became very interested in the bits on his trousers, at which point he began picking some tasty morsels off his trousers and putting them in his mouth, to the horror and nauseated revulsion of me and my fellow onlookers. Ugh."

Cameron McCameron from London who signed my guestbook adds:

However another cautionary tale here from Matt who signed my guestbook:

"I saw an incident involving those annoying ticket barriers. According to some people, it has been said that if you barge into one of the gates hard enough, the barriers release and you can go through.

"I was in a queue of people waiting to go through the barriers, when this guy infront realised he didnt have a ticket... so he turns round to look at all the people standing there, gives them an 'I am the man' type of look and then proceeds to charge straight towards the barrier hoping it would fly open and make him look good...

"Here's something different to try next time you take a trip on the underground. What you will need for this is a white handkerchief and your nose.

"Simply travel on the tube for a minimum of 20 minutes ( this works best on the victoria line) and then whilst on the platform, do the following...

"Firstly, wrap the hanky round your finger, and then insert into your nose. Move the finger round in a circular motion (If you do this whilst on the tube you end up with an ENTIRE carrage to yourself). Finally, remove the hanky from nose and observe.

"I had been in London for several months already and was feeling like quite the Londoner. I was wearing the euro outfits (all black with a black leather jacket) while returning from a night at the theater. I had split up with some mates and was meeting them back at the flat when I got on a train at the Covent Garden station. Immediatly behind me 3 or 4 loud, gaudy Americans got on. Mind you the train was extremely crowded. These Americans proceded to eat their food while spilling it on everyone else, and to talk rather loudly about every factual nugget that the had stored in their small little brains from visiting the Transit museum earlier that day.

"When the train came to their stop (thank Christ), One obese American started shouting "GETTING OFF", and pushing his way towards the door, making sure to make way for his 'white trash' wife. When they were finally gone, the couple across from me began to converse about how rude the Americans were and they would never act that way in their country.

"Great site, but I can't believe nobody's mentioned the most annoying tube habit, namely that of the multiple card swiper. I've lost count of the number of times I've been late for some appointment and as I get to the barrier I always look for the gate that's least busy. But no matter which one I use I'll always find myself behind someone whose ticket isn't valid. So instead of 'seeking assistance', they'll persistantly re-swipe their ticket over and over again whilst a small riot erupts behind them.

"Basic rule on the tube: If your ticket doesn't work first time it never will. The gate is a computer that won't change its mind. So get out of the way and seek assistance from the 'helpful' guards.

"I'm a regular weekend vistor to London, and of course use the tube. One thing I have noticed is that every tube line has its own "art", in the form of patterns on the seats. Coming home late at night on a Sunday evening, usually pissed, by letting your eyes 'WANDER' in that way that you do when you're looking at those 3-D posters from the mid-nineties (Magic Eye) - VOILA a magnificant 3-D image of the pattern on the seat opposite you appears!

"This I had found was quite spectacular one evening when I had to use the Metropolitan Line, which has especially groovy seat patternation. Thought you may want to share this wisdom, so that millions of people can sit on the tube and go cross eyed, and look like Wallys, whilst enjoying the tube's own brand of freaky art!"

Thanks Steve and also thanks to Simon for permission to use his picture of some District Line seats, from his book "Mind The Gap".

Here's a true story from Rachael Berstone from Australia who kindly left it in my guestbook:

"I actually have friends who met on the Tube and are now married! It helps, I think, that he is French and she is Australian, so the rules about not talking to fellow passengers are somewhat relaxed for foreigners.

It all happened on the Picadilly line - she was going from home to a class at college in Russell Square, and he was travelling from his girlfriend's house to work. She was curious to see him reading (aloud, in French) excerpts from that very romantic play - Cyrano de Bergerac. He went past his stop to follow her, and invited her to go with him for coffee, on the spot. They did, and a few weeks later they met for dinner, and the rest is history.... now they are married, and live abroad with their three kids - which just goes to show, you can meet your future partner on the Tube!"

Isn't that lovely! More stories like this please, as it means the Tube isn't just a miserable underground sewer where no one speaks to each other!!! If you have seen someone you fancy and can't pluck up the courage to speak or don't want to break the deathly tube silence, there's a new website called ISawYouToday.com designed for people just like you.

"I was travelling back to Barbican from Whitechapel with a couple of friends at about 10pm. For some reason, the Hammersmith and City line wasn't running, so we had to get the District to Tower Hill, then get the Circle. When we got on the Circle at Tower Hill, there were these two blokes in the carriage, absolutely sozzled. When the train pulled into Aldgate, and sat there for ages as it tends to do, one of these guys picks up a beer bottle, and stands by the door. I have got my back to him, but my friend is facing him. The next thing I know is when she starts uncontrollably giggle. So I look round to see this bloke, bottle in hand, leaning out of the door, peeing into the bottle with his 'equipment' poked out of the doors (definately a case for 'Stand Clear of the Closing Doors!) When he was finished, he zipped up his flies, and put the bottle full of pee on the edge of the platform!

"The b*gg*rs who loiter at the swipe-gates in time for the next train loads of commuters, wait a bit and mingle in, only to bunk in before you in the queue and somehow get through on your ticket swipe when the gates open. Leaving you stuck there, with a ticket which won't swipe twice [esp. end of journey ones which are Travelcards] - this has happened to me a couple of times [especially as I frequently cross from Victoria to Kings X on my way to see family] and when you've got lots of luggage as well, you just want to scream!

Does this happen to anyone else or just me?"

The only reasons to talk to people on the tube are to ask people if they've finished with their copy of Metro. This free newspaper (and it is a real newspaper and not just an excuse for carrying loads of ads - basically it's last night's Evening Standard but in a more digestible format and without the obnoxious Victor Lewis Smith) was launched about three years ago now and has opened up the gates to the things one can say. Many people take the approach of just grabbing the discarded Metro which is fine if it's on the seat next to you. However, it is good etiquette if someone has just literally finished reading to say "isitalrightifitakeyourmetro". I find the phrase, if perfected properly, only takes two seconds to mutter. Others grab the discarded Metro from the little ledge behind people's seats. A simple "Excuse me" is appropriate in situations like this. There are also those people who take things to slightly extreme levels and actually lean from there seats and ask people across the carriage for their leftover Metro.

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