Wave Rider-8-24

The young wave rider stares
At the ocean so serene-
She knows things aren't as they seem.

The waves crash against the shore.
She carefully lays down her board-
Remembering how the ocean roared.

Waves once came again and again.
She gasped for air,
But the ocean did not care-

Pounding her down again and again.
Her muscles asked for relief,
And she clung to one belief

-That hope would prevail-

Her lungs ready to explode,
Her hand grasps the board once more-
Her sights on the shore.

She rides out the next wave,
Crash! She falls.
And drifts against the sea wall.

Her strength diminishes.
She questions this night-
Why continue this fight?

Another wave,
She slips down in the deep,
Finding her forever sleep.

-A spark-

The water begins to move around her.
She won't give in-
To her muscles chagrin.

Weary and hurting,
She climbs to the only light
Shining on this decisive night.

Memories blare in her head.
Her reply:
More water rushing by.

Heart bursting, muscles in anguish,
She's almost there-
She says a prayer.

-Breathe-

Back on the shore
There's a soft sigh
And a silent goodbye.

She stands under the soft moonlight,
Still in pain, still tired-
But thoroughly inspired.

She was up on her board,
She took those last waves-
Sent them to their grave.

The board on the sand-
The sunrise on the bay-
She silently walks away.

-There will be no more waves tonight-

8-20
This is from my message board...AC wrote the intro, I wrote the finish.

Intro:

The sun warms her face as the path in front of her dances with light and promise. Behind her the figures grow angry and moan their loudest, but it all makes no difference, because by now they have dissipated until they are less substantial than the smoke when a candle is snuffed out. Still they try and attack, to shout "You once served us!" in angry smoky voices, but the wave rider, wholly unnoticing their rage far behind her, only laughs with delight at the sight of a small child chasing a balloon over the warm grass of the park. Peaceful, solid in the knowledge of the strong spirit inside her, she settles down and begins to draw out the picture of a dream, the beautiful promise of a life shaped now by her choices, and brimming with possibilities.

End:
The young wave rider softly sighs as she looks out at the park. She watches and observes the passerby’s. She smiles as a mother and young son walk by…and remembers the life she never got. She looks down at her arms, and sees the self hatred, the life she did live. She closes her eyes and so clearly sees the gleaming grey…the way her blood caressed the skin, pretending that the blood made living okay.

She leans back and exhales. A breeze catches her and gives her a gentle hug. The sweet sound of music fills her ears, and the harshness of words once spoken are drowned out. Her hand moves effortlessly across a page, writing out her thoughts, showing her true spirit inside -for it is words of strength, and of courage that she writes. Thoughts about choices, about promises of a future and about love, which no longer has to be painful.

A smile is slowly drawn on her mouth as she thinks of the children whose lives she is changing. One boy in particular passes through her thoughts and she begins to grin. Suddenly, she puts her pencil down, tosses it all into a backpack. She's in her car, on the way to the angel child. Grinning from ear to ear…she goes to him. And with one hug, a knowing look and a playful giggle…all is well within both their worlds again.

She said no. The young wave rider walked away from the broken little girl, who knew love to only be pain and she walked to a woman with a promising future, with a life filled with love and kindness. She walks to the woman who she will become. The ghosts of the past, the fragments of a broken life and the harsh wailing voices slowly dissipate and are drowned out by the sweet sound of music that this woman has grown to love. Drowned out by the self love she is beginning to understand and starting to feel.

The wave rider puts down her board. There will be no more waves tonight.

8-15
I'm learning something very important recently. What being happy means...being really happy that is. I just finished probably one of the best weeks I will ever have. Two Dar Williams concerts...and meeting her both times...and then my favorite local band who had some friends in town to play with and so many other people. The Folk scene in my town is just incredible, and I'm enjoying meeting everybody and really enjoying a good time.

And for the first time in my life...I'm realizing that there are things that exist outside of my mental health stuff. Before...the only thing that existed to me...was figuring my head out- and I spent every waking hour on that...except for the time I devoted to my work, which became my life. I really didn't know how to...live. I knew how to survive- go to therapy, take meds, think about the dark stuff all the time because I HAD to figure it out. I never wanted to let go of thinking about things because I didn't want them to disappear.

Now...I'm realizing that...I can heal...and have some kickass times. Not everything has to be about my mental health. Music is something that is allowing me to segway out of my old lifestyle. I LOVE going to hear live music, esp. contemporary folk. That is where my heart belongs- and I had no idea. You put me in a room with music...and I'm gone, off into another world- where I have fun, where I smile, where I'm just me. I can't explain it really, try as I might.

But for once...I FEEL ALIVE...I smile and mean it...I talk to people, and it's not about dark stuff...I connect to people, and it's okay...I meet new people...and they like me back. I'M LIVNG. How cool is that? That may sound stupid or weird to some people...but for so long now, it's all been about suicide, about cutting, about insanity, about hospitals, about therapy. And now it's not. That is now only just a part of me and not all of me. And how cool is that?

Now...there is still a shitload I need to do with regards to healing. So much more I need to talk about. And I am...talking that is. *Bobb and I have figured out a pretty good system for therapy now. Things needed to change and I think they have. I'm getting closer and closer to talking...and she has figured out how to push me just right. Now, even when I say I don't want to talk about it, she'll keep asking questions, keep probing and I am finally letting go and going with the momentum, going with her questions...and trusting more than I ever have. And that feels great. Feels better than great actually.

I'm finding myself...a little at a time. And I'm feeling happiness...a little at a time. And that is a feeling I could get used to. I was always so afraid to be happy...weird I know- but picture this- all you've ever felt is fear, sadness, anger and just plain hurt. So then happiness becomes elusive, something you know exists but you have yet to feel. So of course it's going to feel freakin' weird. I'm not used to it. And it's a little scary because being happy opens the doorway to so much. And maybe that's why I can't get enough of music now...it opens a little part of my heart and I don't want to shut it down. Music is like oxygen...and I'm taking it ALL in. I was deprived for so long...it's like this huge sigh of relief now.

I have always talked about a replacement behavior for self injury...sure you can stop it cold turkey, but generally you do need some other kind of outlet for your pain, instead of cutting. And I've done the cold turkey thing, and getting good at it...but now...I believe I have found my own replacement behavior, besides going to therapy and taking meds. Music. How does that give me the same feeling that cutting did? It doesn't, and that is what is great about it. This week had the potential to be really crappy, based on what I had said in therapy. But instead, music enveloped my world. I allowed myself to just go with it...to open those places in my heart where music can reach me. And yeah, I remember the hurt and the pain and I'm having trouble dealing with it...but listening to the music...I could lose myself, and not in my pain, but in something altogether different...perhaps happiness, not sure exactly. But the point of the matter is...instead of picking up a blade because the pain inside is so horrific...I turn on the music and turn it up. I close my eyes and let the lyrics and the music take me somewhere else.

This allows me to still feel too. Sometimes while listening, I get the urge to write, mostly poetry...and it's just yet another outlet, and that feels great. So...thank you music. A whole new world has opened up for me...and I'm really beginning to like it. I owe a great debt of gratitude to my counselor, for opening up this world....and my favorite local band, I owe them a great debt of gratitude...for taking me into their world...playing some kickass songs and making me smile.

So...here I am...smiling and meaning it. And happy...what a cool feeling to have.

Night.

8-13
Well, I keep trying to want to update these rants…and get nothing. Just not sure what to write. And I don’t want to say this has anything to do with Bobb not reading my rants anymore hehe…that would make her right- can’t do that. But…in all honesty- I am talking better…writing less. Well, that is not a hundred percent true- I have started a Sketch Diary- that keeps my poetry, my thoughts…my art- all together. I have written a ton there.

In a sec I’m going to just post something I wrote on the boards that I thought was good. Just kinda explains this healing journey.

I do want to mention I SAW DAR WILLIAMS LIVE TWICE THIS WEEK. There, I feel better. But the best thing was MEETING and TALKING to her!!! Oh yeah! She so rocked to talk to. I told her my ‘rockin’ counselor had sent me the lyrics to after all…and we got to talking about therapy. She looked at me and told me, you know you are going to be just fine when you come out of this. And that I was going to have so much compassion and so much joy out of life…especially from going through this so young. Good words or wisdom. Anyway, we talked for a while longer- bout the kids I work with and about music. Wow, so very, very cool. And talking to her tonight was fun again. She so…rocks.

And her music has saved me once again…this week I know I would have been in trouble if not for being able to see her live (the talking was a bonus). Last week in therapy, I admitted more to what…I had been seeing in my day terrors (they have moved from the night unfortunately). That was so hard. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it…but somehow she pulled it out of me, amazing. And it as so hard. And when I left there…I so wanted to make another appt. (but WAY too poor)…but the next day was Dar…and everything was fine after that!

Well, not fine…but better. Just…I didn’t have to be alone at night with these awful thoughts and memories…and I could SMILE and mean it. That is…cool. And how I know things are changing…before…if I had talked about what I talked about- would have sent me careening downward…where nothing could touch me. But instead…I still managed to have a kickass time at my favorite singers show. And have the guts to walk up to her and talk to her.

So life…is…what it is. I’m some how making it through everything. I am a little worried…a few things are building up and if I’m not careful, the bottom will fall through. So, I am trying to be very careful. But still a worry.

Anyway…out of words…here’s a post I titled The Healing Journey.

So today's therapy session prompted a lot of thinking on my part, and I thought I would share. I realized today, that I don't feel like I'm living a double life anymore. Before I had my life in parts...everything was segmented...I felt like I lived a life in my head that was entirely different from the physical one. I didn't know how they could work together. Especially mental health.

Even though I remember horrible things, I'm still okay though, now. I can still go have fun, have a real smile on my face. Remembering bad things does not mean that I have to sit there in the dark and let it eat away at me. There is a time and place for everything.

For once, and I say this hesitantly, I feel like I have a life. And not a fake one, or pretend one. But a real one. All the pieces are not all in place yet, but they are getting there. Things take time...and I know that now. I'm ready to make the time to change.

Healing is a perilous journey. It is NOT without setbacks. It is NOT easy. It is NOT a straight and narrow path, but more of a zigzag. Sometimes it's 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. Other times it's 3 steps forward, 4 steps back. And every once in a while, it's 3 steps forward, 1 step back.

Is a setback a failure? Not by a long shot. If that held true, consider me a failure. I've had more setbacks than I can count. Did you know that I first declared I was through with self injury in June 2001. That was three years ago. At that time, I maybe had four scars you could see, barely (I'd always cut over cuts). I had only been doing it a few months then. Now I have over fifty scars, easily (out of hundreds). A few setbacks along the road? You better believe it. After my internal announcement, the war had just begun....and three months later my first lapse.

It took me a long time to realize that a lapse was not a relapse, or failure. The important thing remained that I kept trying, kept saying no, kept crawling my way forward. Hey, it might have been the slowest crawl ever, but I was inching my way forward.

Something else I never do- count the days I've been SI free. Internally I think I know, but not exact. Why? Because it seemed to be a constant reminder. Self injury IS in my past. So why count how many days free when it will be forever? I know some people do need that reminder (as I once did), it can help keep you going forward when you can see how far you have come. But think too...about not counting, as a final let go. That you are through...forever.

I have been setback and self-sabotage city for sure. But that is NOT a death sentence, nor does it mean it has to stay that way.

Funny thing about life...you can still make a choice to change it. NO matter how entrenched I am in my ways, no matter how many times I go backwards, it never is set in stone. I can still go forward. I can still choose to change my life for the better. And get better...to finally heal.

And that is what this post is about...the healing journey. That process...can tear you all the way down, but build you back up- a stronger you. We are all stronger for choosing to go this path, to choose to stop self injury...and heal ourselves. To end the cycle of abuse...to learn a NEW way of living...leaving behind the old life of pain. Yes....this new life is unsteady...even unknown...but what have we got to lose? We've already been in the most pain life can offer, we've been abused AND abused ourselves. What have we got to lose to try something new?

And I don't care how many times you say you have screwed up, so you might as well stay down- I don't buy it- because we ALWAYS have the right to choose direction, to change our life. But we may not know how to do it- that is where counseling, where friends, and support groups come in handy. We are NOT alone in this world. We can make this healing journey, and we don't have to do it alone.

So here are my words. Just...kept writing and this is what came out. It's been some interesting times for me lately...and I'm like you guys- just trying to get through. But I'm learning that this does take time...I will not be better overnight, or even a few days, months...maybe years. But with each step I take, I get better, I am healing.

We all have taken steps on this healing journey...so lets keep taking a few more :-) See what this life does have to offer. We've seen the worst- now lets see the best!

Night.

8-7
So it has been FAR FAR to long since I've written up here. Just a quick note- everything has been settled with counselor. I forgot to write about what happened lol. We've worked out our "difference" of opinion and therapy is going just fine. In fact, I may even talk ;-) As my good friend AC says, we are too good of a team to be knocked down for long. She just caught me by surprise and I hate surprises heh.

So things are back on the upswing, hurray! In a good mood today, just woke up. Now I have the beginnings of a headache. So I am going to go now, each brea...lunch :-) and take a shower. More to come later.