2-27
Well, I'm not quite sure whets going on. My thoughts can't seem to stay straight, I want to do lots of work, but I can't. My hand won't stop shaking and I feel I constantly need to move. But I don't feel good, I feel depression looming over me, but I'm fighting it and I think I'm fighting pretty well. I sometimes get so tired of fighting... but I will deal with it. It just gets hard sometimes- like a great big balancing act- making sure I'm "here" and that my decisions are rational and not off the wall. I have to try to do my school work to the best of my ability, though sometimes that is very difficult b/c of the states of mind I can sometimes get in and I really am not able to complete assignments- that makes for some late nights when I've had to put off work...that's happening right now. I have a big paper due Friday- haven't started, wanted to tonight, but I just can't. I don't know how to explain it- but it sucks big time. I guess tomorrow I will just not get sleep- I'm actually hoping I can slip into a solid hyper state- but I can't control that, so we'll see. I have a feeling I'm going to be very tired!! Oh well... that's enough ranting for tonight. I'm doing all right, I guess... I won't cut (hopefully)... but it does enter my mind of course, I might even pick up the blade... but in the end I will put it down- remembering the one night I messed up bad- I'm worried that if I even make one cut, it will start again. Sometimes I wonder if I did some major damage b/c my left wrist hurts sometimes, like typing a lot- not sure why... could be because I hit the vein??? Oh well...I shall go on another day- Take Care everyone...

I’ve been to hell and back. I almost ended my life and was brought back. I have fought and fought and have lost some and won some of those battles. I’ve dedicated the rest of my existence to helping others. To make a difference. I’ve battled all night long with a blade, sometimes winning, sometimes losing. I try to keep an even keel, and when I’m not so even, I’ve tried to at least be stable. I’ve fallen down, I’ve stumbled, but still I remain standing. I’ve gone through some shit… but I don’t regret any of it. The only regret I would have had is if I had successfully ended my life. Luckily I didn’t.
Sure, now I am in constant battle, sometimes its so hard I just want to quit, but I don’t. I go on, if not for myself, then for others that now count on me to give them hope. Nothing raises my spirits more than when I get an email telling me I had given someone hope. That is one hell of a powerful thing. I don’t need power, prestige or money. I just want to help others to end their suffering. I’ve been there and I’ve found my way back. Now I want to help others find their way back and when they say, “do you know how it feels…” I can say yes I do. I can say that I’ve died inside, but somehow the fire was lit again before my body gave out. Sure, life would be easier if I was normal, if I didn’t battle every single day on whether or not I want to harm myself or wonder what mood exactly I’m in and if I can make sound decisions. But with those bumps I’ve hit along the way, I’ve become a stronger person and I’ve found direction in my life. I know whets important in life and whets not so important. I’ve learned to love the little things in life that others take for granted. With those bumps and scars I can give strength to others letting them know there is hope, others have made it. And that’s why through all the hell and shitty stuff, I’m still here with no regrets.

2-26
Well I thought it was about time to update. Right now I'm going to talk a little bit about humor and that coping mechanism (check out my positive psychology section!). Later I'll post a normal sort of rant about my not so good day, week? Anyway, I was thinking about the human coping mechanism and how its affected my life. It has in a big way- I used humor to diffuse just about any situation. If someone thought I was feeling bad, I immediately put on the humorous face and a smile. This worked for a long time and because of this, I hid what I felt inside, constantly burying myself. Well, this is not a good thing to do. Sure, its nice to smile and be joyous all the time, but considering that wasn't how I really felt, it was rather detrimental. I didn't have balance- it was all humor. I can remember in the psych ward, how they tried so hard to get me to open up- which is why it took me two trips! Even the other patients, we had some good arguments about how to wipe the smile off my face. It was like it was permanently sketched on my face. Mainly b/c I wasn't sure how to express my emotions or even what emotions I was feeling. Hehe, the one liners and jokes did help me score some extra chocolate ice cream off the staff! but anyway, eventually they broke through the smile and everything. But even today, while I don't totally rely on humor anymore, its still a large part of me. When I'm done having a panic attack- my humor makes it able for me to face my friends and go out- otherwise I'd be stuck in my room all the time. Or if I'm having a bad day and don't want to be drilled about it- put on a smile and everything's ok. But like I said, I let people in a lot easier now. I guess you could say I have a mixture of mechanisms now that I use- none of which is cutting (one month free :-))because as we all know- that is NOT a good mechanism. Though it works, obviously, it is ultimately destructive etc. etc. So anyway, I guess you guys get my point- learn other mechanisms and humor can be a good one, just don't fully rely on it- you'll get yourself in trouble and delude yourself, like I did. Hope you enjoyed this less depressing rant etc. I'll have more later for you guys tonight about my latest struggle. Hope everyone's doing well. Take Care.

2-20
I am alive and I have not cut. I had a bad night last night, full of tossing and turning, fingering a blade, thinking, wondering, wishing. But in the end, I laid the blade to rest- how I don’t know, why I don’t know. I have no idea how I was able to set the blade on the floor and not slash my wrists. Whatever strength I had in me was used- all of it- and I had no idea it was even there. That was the worst night I’ve had where I did not cut. The funny thing is I’ve cut for less- why did I not cut last night. I honestly can’t answer that. I just didn’t. I wanted to so bad it hurt. Yet in the end, something deep inside me forced the blade away.
I am glad for this- another cut- would’ve been hell for me… but I wonder if I will be so lucky next time- it just… I was just in like a huge anxious state of mind, like I was paralyzed and I didn’t know what to do- well I do, but I couldn’t do that.
Whew- well the point is: I didn’t cut and it took every bit of strength not to, but I didn’t. Each one of you guys has that strength too- its there and will show itself in time. You just need to trust it and go with the flow. I read Skin Game and this quote says it best: “I have drawn the line and I am still on this side of it.”

2-19
Life sucks…and then you have cutting to deal with. I want to so bad right now its not even funny. I’m in this state of mind, where it just seems dead- so much to do, don’t know where to start, I’m just like in a daze and I have no idea how to snap out of it- I used to use cutting to get me out of it. The sad thing is I won’t get somebody to stop me- because I want to cut- it snaps me back to reality- Now I don’t even know why I created this site- I can’t even stop myself sometimes. Why did I get this addiction! And why the fuck can’t I stop me from getting out of control- I don’t understand- I know when I’m normal, when I’m not etc. And when I’m not, I can’t snap out of it- I have so much to do. Why, why, why, why! I have a paper do, a test to study for. I don’t know what to do, hopefully I can make it through- I DON'T KNOW! Talk to you guys later.

2-19
Oh man, what a couple of days its been. Don’t know what’s wrong, haven’t been able to concentrate on anything! So I consumed two Adrenaline Rushes and I still couldn’t concentrate- just put me in a state of anxiety- I tried caffeine pills- same thing! Geez, what can a girl do to get out of a daze!
To confound my troubles, I keep having a reoccurring image in my mind: of me sitting on the floor of my room with both arms slashed up pretty bad- the image keeps coming up in my mind and I don’t know why or how to get rid of them! It’s driving me nuts- I ended up doing a pastel drawing of the image to try to get it out of my mind, but it didn’t work! Don’t know what to do. Sometimes I get so tired of fighting, so tired. But I keep going of course- on Thursday I have a therapy session, I’m looking forward to that- those always help me a lot.
I don’t know, I’m just very confused right now. Don’t know what to write, to think, to do. I just don’t understand my brain sometimes- like I want to get in there and just see what’s going on. How some thoughts lead to others, how it puts me in certain moods etc. Cutting: such an interesting thing- what drives you to take a blade and cut yourself- what drove me to do that self destructive act- sometimes I think its so incredible that I felt that bad to do that to myself, even now I find it interesting. I mean, I know why- pain on inside needed to be felt and all that crap, but really understanding it… I don’t know.
I’m not sure if this rant is making any sense, but hell, this is the place for me and my feelings and my recovery from cutting/depression and all that shit, so I can write whatever I want! I know I keep saying that I will be updating and adding stuff, but school has suddenly become a little hectic, so I’ve had to put some of that stuff on hold- hopefully sometimes in the near future I can do what I want with the site. Till then, my rants will keep being updated and the positive psychology section too because I am writing a research paper on it, so I figure I’ll share my findings with you guys. Well that’s about it for now, I have to go write a paper and study for a test. As always if ya’ll need me, email/IM me, I’m hear to listen. Take Care.

What I wouldn’t give
To wake up and be normal again
What I wouldn’t give
To this happiness not feign

What I wouldn’t give
To suddenly be me
What I wouldn’t give To suddenly be free

What I wouldn’t give
To not remember when
What I wouldn’t give
To that place never have been

What I wouldn’t give
To be able to start fresh
What I wouldn’t give
To not bear these marks upon the flesh

But in the end I have nothing
In the end its all still here
Life with all its stings
And so many dry tears

What I wouldn’t give
For this all to go away
For me to again live
The way I have dreamt each day
Well that was a little something I just wrote…just was thinking and the words popped in my head.

2-13
Well, I wrote a triggering rant, but I don't want to post it here so I thought I'd create a separate page for triggering material. Just click on this Triggering Rant

2-6
It started again. The cycling of emotions. And I had no clue. I was in a deep depression (as you can tell) and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t control what flew out of my mouth. My world came crashing down and I couldn’t do anything about it. It was so bad, I seriously thought about committing myself, but I made it through. But I can feel a hyper part of me starting to spring up. I hope it goes away, or I’m in for another week of cycling until I’m back to normal. This is driving me nuts- I fluctuate and I can’t control myself. I am seriously scared to death and I don’t know what to do. What if something happens when I’m in a depressed state? I thought I could control it this time, I thought I could handle it. Well that’s what I get for thinking. Not even close to controlling it because I can’t tell how bad it is. When I’m in that state everything is skewed. I almost screwed up the best friendship I’ve had in years. Thank god I came out of it at the last minute or I would really be hurting. I just need to hold out till March when I can get some more meds…just gotta hold on and hope this is the last cycle until then. But I gotta tell you that I am scared. But I do still trudge on- I know I have to, for myself and for others. I can make a difference in this world! I just want to help others… if ya’ll have seen the movie Pay It Forward- well I’m paying it forward from what Ms. Burns did for me. If I can give others help etc. then life is worth sticking around for. But that doesn’t make the battle less difficult or my days shorter. But I thought I’d write tonight to let you guys know whets going on with me… I don’t bull shit here but simply tell it how it is from my point of view. Well its late and I gotta study. I’ll have more for you soon. Take Care!

2-6
The Great Pretenders
We are the great pretenders. We struggle and battle ourselves, but when in the presence of others, magically our worries are shoved down, a smile put on. We try so hard to please everyone, show everyone we’re all right. But they don’t see the pain when we’re alone. The tears we can’t cry, the anxiety of trying to muster a “smile.” They don’t see how we sit alone, wanting to join in the activities, but too afraid of saying the wrong things, too frightened because you don’t know what mood your in, how you’ll act. But when push comes to shove, a laugh and a joke can always be reached. We’re too afraid to let others know what’s going on- it’s a weakness to us. They just couldn’t understand. How we can be alone even if we’re the life of a party. Because behind that laugh and joke, is a secret hidden pain that slowly eats us alive. It’s a pain that makes us forget who cares, makes us forget what living is for. You want strength, you wanna know who the strongest are? Well that’s us. Because we live every day, battling, fighting, living. It’d be so easy to give in, it’d be so easy to end it all, but somehow we get the strength to live every day. We get the strength to give a smile, laugh and hide our secret pain from others. Yes, we are the great pretenders.

That was just a little something I felt like writing- I also have another rant for today that I wrote earlier:
I don’t know where I begin or where my illness takes over. When I make a decision- whose in control. Lately I’ve been feeling so lost. It’s a struggle to keep my head above water. It’s incredible how my mood can shift so rapidly and I feel out of control. I’ve been in uncharted territory since the day I made my first cut. But the more I cut, the more I’ve felt ok, on familiar ground. Then I hit the road to recovery and once again I’m in uncharted territory, but this time I feel as if I’m in the middle of a hurricane. I’m holding onto dear life, praying it doesn’t get too bad. I try my best to make headway in my illness while I’m “normal” and hope it carries over when I get depressed. Right now I’m trying to hold on, but sometimes I feel my grip slipping.
I know my entries should be happy and inspirational, but I promised you the truth- therefore I’m not going to bull shit you. Yeah, I’m having trouble. But I’ve fallen backward before and gotten back up. Hopefully that’ll happen soon.
I am getting tired of fighting- this constant battle takes its toll. I don’t know how much stronger I can be, how much more I can take. I was always baffled by the notion that more suicides happen in recovery, but now I definitely understand. It’d be so easy to let go. Just say, “Well its been a hard battle, but I must concede…” sometimes I want to end it so bad I hurts. Thank God I don’t, but still- it’s fucking scary. To think that I can end my life, I have that within my power, just like I have the power to hurt myself. It’s a choice I can make. But its getting increasingly harder to have control over that choice. When I talk about control, I mean that of my “normal” state and my “abnormal” state. I try to keep my normal state over the abnormal, but geez, does it get hard. But I gotta hold on and I’m trying to guys, I’m holding on with all my might and hopefully get through this…again.

2-1
All right, two rants in a row, I’m doing good this week. I was just in a thinking mood, so I thought I’d just write it down. Sometimes, as I said in the previous rant, I think back now and then to when I was hanging off the edge. And I look at my life now and think wow. I’m here today, I’m alive, and thriving for the most part. I could’ve left this world so many times and yet each time I hung on. And each time I got a little stronger. I just heard that a guy tried to commit suicide via hanging, but was unsuccessful…and I am saddened. Part of me wishes I could’ve been there, to talk to that person before that big leap… I know what its like to want to kill yourself, to think of no other thought but to end your life- and that’s possibly one of the worst feelings in the world. Now given I was helped off the ledge, I could have very easily just let myself fall down, I could have entered the dark world- I could have cut more, could’ve tried other stuff- but I backed away. I took the second chance I was given and haven’t looked back. Being at college, drinking of course is done fairly often on weekends and luckily I am at a college where there’s not much partying and I have a good group of friends, but I could so easily pick up the bottle and just let my worries float away. But I have made a strong commitment not to drink, b/c I know the consequences- I am almost a hundred percent sure I’d get hooked, so I don’t go near it. It is just so much easier to just let go, to cut, to drink, to do drugs, to die. All of that, its easy compared to forcing yourself not to do that stuff. Cutting was an addiction, and I was an addict. There were times where I didn’t cut to mask pain, but just because I thought it was fun and I got a rush from it. Even now, I still wonder and remember what it did for me. Believe me, there are times where I want to pick up the blade again. But I don’t.
Instead of the hellish pit many fall prey to, I’ve chosen to ascend. Sure life is hard, no doubt about that. But when I was given a second chance to live, I decided I’d make the most of it. That I wouldn’t throw it away for one night of partying, one night of cutting etc. No I’m not a goody too shoes (spelling?) but I know when to cherish life. Because, life is short guys.
When I was depressed, and when I occasionally fall into the depressed moods, sure I feel like doing a hell of a lot of bad things, but for two months now, I haven’t and I haven’t come close. I’ve not placed that blade over my skin and wonder, I haven’t opened a bottle of Advil and take them out one by one. Because I make such a strong commitment when I’m “normal” it carries over to the bad spots. And I can visit my guest book and look at the many people who have visited my site and gained hope… If I have just helped one person, I am satisfied. I have dedicated my second chance to helping those in need and that has given me some happiness I never knew. I love seeing the happiness that people get when they realize that someone cares. Ah, I know, I’m probably sounding mushy and crap but oh well! These are my rants! Hehe. I don’t know, I was just talking to my high school counselor on the phone and we were talking about what happened when I was on the edge and how I was given this second chance. Just sometimes I can’t believe I ended it all, so close. But I’m here now. I was given a second chance by my guidance counselor and now I hope to pass that on and give someone else a second chance. I am here if you guys need me. To talk, to listen, whatever- I’m here. That’s about all I got for today! Take care.

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Something happened to my December rants, I'll try to find them!
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