1-31
Hey guys- Well I’m doing all right, still in that normal stage! Yea!! Except
I have been sick- I have this awful headache, but apparently all the medication
the doctor gave me is doing some good… hopefully the headache won’t return,
but I’m not too optimistic since its been going on for almost a week now. There’s
nothing too interesting to report- since I have been sick, that’s about all
I’ve been concentrating on. Today I shared with my Intro to Clinical Psychology
class about my experience with intake assessments for the psych ward, so that
was pretty cool. I also like to jump at the chance to share my experience with
others. I went through hell and back, so the least I could do is share it so
others understand what's going on, what really happens when someone is about
to go off the edge, which I was. I wrote something the other day that I think
I’ll share with ya’ll. I was thinking back about when I almost committed suicide
and I don’t know, just started writing:
Planned, ready for execution. Days away… three to be exact. I just wanted to finish up my softball games… a couple more moments of pure joy- on the field, just on the field… Then I was given a Hellish night- everything was too much and I hadn’t prepared for my death yet… so I held on all night…thoughts raging, going back and forth…standing on the edge. I faced death. It was within my grasp…but I held onto the lone thought of my counselor, remembering her guidance- it was her words that kept me alive…
Well that's
all I got :-)On to other thoughts. But one last thank you to my counselor- I'm
alive because you cared.
Sometimes I just think about what happened- and it does scare me to think that
I did almost end it all- I was so so very close. Now in this “normal” state,
I would not think about dying, especially with all the good things I know I
can accomplish in life, and my family and friends mean a lot to me. But when
I get in the depressed state- it scares me- not necessarily when I’m in that
state, but when I return back to reality. Some people can say “oh I want to
kill myself” or “hell, I should just get it over with,” but I actually planned
my suicide- had my counselor not intervened, I wouldn’t be here to day. I just
keep thinking about how close I came to falling off that edge. Its, its indescribable.
I don’t even think I can wish the experience that I had on my worst enemy. No
one deserves to be that low in life, no one should have to fall so deeply and
lose hope.
But I’ve made it through. I conquered death, beat my deadly addiction and finally
doing well at college. How I got the strength to do this, I don’t know. But
it was either me or death and I chose me. And then I did what I could to make
sure I didn’t leave this earth too early. If that meant relying on others to
help me through, if that meant giving up my faithful friend (the razor), then
I was ready to do it. And I know each and every one of you guys can do it too-
you do have that strength within you, even if you don’t think its there. The
mere fact that you are living and not dying is a testament to your strength.
You should be proud that your fighting this courageous battle. And I say fight
on, I’m only about two months into remission from cutting, but some days can
become real struggles. You may have to fight with the addiction for some time,
but as time goes on, as you let go of the cutting, things will come easier.
Waking up in the morning, seeing the scars both inside and outside and facing
stress- it will come easier. And though you may lose your sight from time to
time, the fight to live is worth it. I know, I almost lost it, but I was given
a second chance to live my life. I’m taking this second chance and going to
do my best with it.
Now granted, I might get in a depressed mode and tell ya’ll I’m feeling low,
but rest assured, I will live and fight on to another day and hopefully there
will come a day when I won’t fall into a deep depression. But until that day,
I just make it through the best I can. Well you guys are probably tired of hearing
my lovely bull shit on inspiration, fighting on etc. I was just in a mood- I’m
writing a research paper for self injury for a psych class and hell I was just
thinking back to the days, the dark days, where I almost ended it all and the
days when a razor ruled my world. So as always, email me, IM me if ya want,
I’m always free to talk. Take Care.
1-16
I hate being alone… a fact I’m finally coming to terms with…the problem with
that- I’m alone often, by my own choosing- Geez, sometimes I just don’t know
what is going on… sometimes I just feel like I’m not me…not me at all- My mood
shifts at the drop of the hat, I wake up each morning and I don’t know what
I’m going to be like… do you have any idea how scary that is? I’ll be honest,
I’ve been skipping my meds, I just wanted to see what would happen- MY GOD THAT
WAS STUPID- don’t EVER EVER do that…I think it’s really screwed with my head…
the past couple days, I don’t know who I’ve been- it reminds me of what I was
like before- except I don’t have cutting…it would be so easy to just take the
blade and make everything go away, so easy, but I won’t, I won’t do it… that’s
what makes recovery so hard- you’re going through the unknown, uncharted territory.
It’s a frightening experience. It’s even harder when your one coping mechanism
is taken away and you must find new ways to cope, while going through the uncharted
territory. I never realized how difficult it would be, but I know this for sure:
I won’t go back to cutting, I won’t. It was harmful and got me in a mess. It’s
made this journey that much harder, and scarier.
I hate this feeling, this feeling of loss of control, it can drive a person
nuts. But somehow I come out of it, with renewed vigor, oh and the realization
that it is very very stupid to skip meds… well that’s it for tonight, I’ll have
more for you tomorrow! Take Care guys.
1/17
Have you ever felt alone, when there was people, your friends all around you.
You look around and wonder why your there with your friends, why you belong
with them. I feel so inferior sometimes. Their smarter, prettier and don’t have
a brain disorder. Their moods don’t shift at the drop of the hat, they don’t
have scars running across their arms, they don’t have to worry about medication,
don’t have to remember what it was like to plan your suicide, they don’t have
to remember what it was like in a mental institution and they don’t have to
harbor thoughts about suicide. I feel like I just don’t belong right now because
when I get in a “mood” I’m withdrawn and quiet- and I can’t talk to them because
they just simply don’t understand. I’ve already relied heavily on one friend
and I wish I hadn’t… I must have been such a burden to her and I feel so stupid
to be going through all this. It’s almost a vicious cycle I go through. And
then there are those times when I am energized and kick ass and social- I miss
those times, but sometimes it seems over the top- that has got me thinking that
I might have bipolar and not just depression, guess I’ve have to talk to my
doc. I’m just really confused right now. And you guys know I can’t lie to you…
I have the urge so badly to do the unthinkable, I will hold out, but I am not
going to discount the possibility that I might cut, but the worst thing is my
suicidal thoughts have cropped up again. They’re not serious, but they’re there
and I hate that, God, I hate that. I don’t know what it is right now, I’m just
in a mood, so I decided to write it all down and post it.
Everything is jumbled right now, I don’t think I’m interpreting actions right
and I’m climbing back into myself and I don’t know how to get out of it, I just
don’t know. Sometimes I hate recovery because it is so difficult- but I just
gotta look to the future and think of the big picture. That and hope keeps me
alive. I always hold on to hope, hope that this will end, hope that one day
I’ll really be able to make a difference in this world, hope that one day I
can call myself “normal.” Hope is what I cling to, and what I know will make
me live another day. Well I think that’s enough depressing stuff. Keep hope
alive guys and as always, Take Care.
September
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