JULY RANTS- 2002

7-28
Ah, I should be in one hell of a mood right now...I bought a new car today (YES!!!) and am now broke hehe. I will be seeing a good friend ;-) this weekend etc. Its a good week...but instead I've become saddened. In my message board a message was left that a girl died at the hands of self injury and I am worried about the person that signs "that loser" because she has not responded in a long time...
I want us all to never forget how dangerous self injury can be. It relieves us of a hell of a lot of pain...but at what cost, sometimes are lives...I've flirted with death more times than I can count, yet each time something pulled me back, back to the realm of the living. And I am always so very thankful for that. Because instead of giving up, letting go, I've fought tooth and nail and now here I am trying to help others find the same hope that I've found. I'm trying to be a good person in this cruel world even when it fights me to no end. I self injured to escape my world, the one I created in my head- it was a deadly world to me. Finally when it got so bad that I wanted to end it all, someone reached in and pulled me out...I finally saw past the fog and though times still get murky, I can always see the horizon. Even if its only a glimace, I see it.
I will never forget how I almost lost my life, or the worst times of self injuring, or hearing my roommates voice, quivering with fear as she tried to get me help, or the look of my best friends face when I tell her that I've cut again, or the silence in the air as my parents take me to a psychiatric hospital, or when I revealed for the very first time that I cut to the person I trusted most. No, I won't forget those, they are etched in my memory, some scarred on the heart, others on my body. But at the same time, I won't forget the look of my little brothers face when he thinks I'm the greatest athlete on this planet, or my mom's face when I tell her I love her, or the emails I get from people telling me I've played a part in their healing, or the feeling I get when I overcome a challenge, or learning something new, or how my heart beats just a bit faster when I look at someone I love, and most importantly I won't forget how it feels to be truly alive. I have a hell of a lot of the bad to go with the good...but its the good that keeps me here and the bad that gives me my strength to go on. If I was given the chance to take away all the bad stuff that has happened in my life, I'd turn that offer down. Without it, I'd be but a shell of who I'm supposed to be.
I hope in a moment of silence you can reflect on your own lives and perhaps renew that faith of yours, renew your hope that things will get better, that you can make it through and that you are stronger than most people for going through Hell on Earth. To Amanda, I didn't know you, wish I had...I know you were a beautiful person inside and out and that you've found the peace that you've desperately sought in the solace of your blade. I hope love has finally enveloped your heart and you now know happiness and peace.
Hope everyone else is doing all right, email me if ya need me. Take Care everyone.

7-26
Hmmm, the more I think about it, the more I realize something. I'm not really in my group of friends. I mean, I used to think I was etc...but now I'm not sure. The evidence: Whenever I talk to someone from my group of friends, its always the pleasantries etc. and not much too it. No in depth discussions, no funny stories/jokes, no nothing, just emptiness. And I'm normally the one that IM's them. Also, there is one big group and then within the group a couple little ones. I belong to none. I used to be best friends with one etc...but she has found a boyfriend with one in the group and well that's fallen to the wayside. I used to think I was good friends with other members, but well I guess this summer discouraged that for lack of communication. Next, not one offer for a visit from anyone. Not one...that kind of hurts because I know other people visit. What prompted this rant is that- I read an away message of a guy friend and he said some of them are coming up etc. and I had no clue whatsoever. Now keep in mind, at college we were all very tight, did most things together all the time etc. And they got to know me pretty intimately when I crashed and burned again. But I always thought I was part of 'em you know.
I've basically been alone for the past three months, no real friends from high school and the closest college friend an hour and half away (the best friend...who goes through several states for a boyfriend and not a highway for a friend!)...the best contact I get is through work, with three others my age (and strangely enough one goes to my college and we didn't know!- we're becoming friends which is cool!). Its been hard, no one to turn to, to talk to when things got rough...and when I go back to college it looks to be more the same I guess b/c I think this summer has proved how...hmmm...disposable my friendship can be I guess.
Wow, I'm definitely feeling lonely...thank God for classes and work (if I get a car), otherwise I'd be pretty miserable. I am definitely missing having a best friend, you know the one where you guys do everything together, help one another out etc...I've had that everywhere I've ever been, except here...and it hurts...I just can't have one...I'm stop with none, which in keeping with my luck and my life, its no wonder.
Well, just thought I'd post this lovely lonely rant because I've got nothing else to do (except work, work, work and sleep in b/w). Hope every one else is doing all right. Talk to me if ya need me! Take Care.

7-21
Ahh...depression is what I'm in now. All the signs are there- lack of appetite, blah feeling, tired, more urges than usual. And gosh this sucks! Sometimes I feel as though I'm standing outside my brain. Sitting down, head b/w my hands...this big iron door in front of me which I cannot enter. Inside there reigns all the craziness...I want to get rid of it all, but cannot enter the door. My personal prison, except I'm on the outside looking in.
I think this Depression is my defense mechanism for everything that has happened...without it I'd be thinking too much, planning perhaps some not so good things. It's nice to know I can still have defense mechanisms to keep me alive. Lucky me, I suppose.
The worst thing I think , was the feeling completely and utterly alone. Haven't felt that way in a long while. I never made good friends in high school- two at the most, a boyfriend and a best friend. But the best friend works constantly and goes to school and the ex boyfriend is away working at a camp. My high school was full of pompous ass, stuck up kids...needless to say, I didn't get along with them. The closes my college friends are is an hour and a half and our schedules aren't compatible...plus the drive etc. Talking on the net etc. is fine, but never replace the physical presence of a good friend...just being in their company, not really saying much, but just being there.
But as with most things in my life, I don't get what I want. Somehow I think God might be sending me some kind of message, but damned if I know what it is! Crashing cars? Sure I'll drive slower, hate the rain etc...but what is it really teaching me!!!! Maybe this is just one of those tests, to see if I'm really over cutting etc. But I think I've proven by now I'm not going to do it.
Ah, I just think I'm frustrated right now, not sure where everything is leading and my luck does not seem to be changing. So I just say this, Please God, just give me one thing, just one thing that goes my way and I'll be satisfied!
Well, that's it for me tonight. Hope everyone else is doing all right. As always I'm here if anyone needs me. Talk to you guys later, take care.

7-19
I gotta stay strong. No two ways about it. I've made it this far, surely I can go on. Its...its just so hard some times, ya know. Sometimes I just break down...sometimes I run from what happened, pretend I am normal...but I'm not. Its been three months from my last big fall...not too long even if it does seem miles away. I am in a battle for my life. Some days I don't notice it, but its happening. Other days, like today, its brought to the forefront and I have deal with it directly.
Yes, I wanted to cut more than anything today, nothing would have made me happier. Somehow I just held out. First I took a walk, then came home and just started writing- the rant below- I knew I had to write or I would lose it. Writing is my life line. Then my mom and I talked for a bit, things got a little better. But its just so damn hard staying strong all the time, sometimes I want to be weak- what's the harm in that? But of course I know what the harm is...I want to forget the consequences but I can't. Somehow I have to make it through these times, without cutting or suicide. How I'm going to do it, I don't know...but there must be some way. If there's a will, there's a way, I suppose.
Well, I've mellowed out so I thought I'd just write a little something. I've got some new poems by me that I'll be posting shortly. Hope ya'll will like 'em. Also, I'm continuing work on the other poems site, so please just bare with me. I having some trouble right now, so its hard to update and stuff. But I continue to respond to emails, though it may take a couple days and guest book messages. So as always, write to me or IM me if ya need me. Take Care guys.
P.S. Steve, thanks for the strength you give me.

7-19
Everything I’ve worked for is all going up in smoke. Every ounce of strength that I have mustered is faltering. I was deceived into thinking I was winning a battle I was really losing. I held onto hope, knowing one day, things would get better, knowing there was a way out of everything. I created this site to give people hope, to let them know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Here I give out hope, advice and just to let people know they’re not alone. I give up much of my free time just helping others, because that is what I want to do, it’s what I’m passionate about.
Well, everything is bull shit. I have no more hope. I have no more will to fight. Every turn, every time I rise up…something comes along and destroys it all. Last year I continually had stuff come up and bite me in the ass…I didn’t have a break (except for time spent in the hospital then off to college.) Now again everything is just too much. I wrecked a car last week…today, I was pulling into a parking space with my mom’s van, I was just about all the way pulled in when the jerk next to me pulls out…needless to say he rubbed up against the van. There is a slight dent, didn’t really hurt anything, and his car has no damage. But yes another accident. And all I have to say is WHY!? I was so careful today, to my doctors appointment and then running errands for my mom…I went the exact speed limit, waited for ever before crossing from one shopping center to the next…I took no risks…so then I pull into this parking space, the guys back lights are not on, so I have no reason to believe he is backing out…halfway into parking, his lights go on, he looks the other way and nails me. I never stood a chance. But does that make a fucking difference? Of course not, I’m nineteen years old, just totaled my car last week…he’s fifty some and a minister. Who would you believe?
I’m utterly screwed…granted my parents car doesn’t even need to be fixed, dent is barely visible. But does that matter, no. The fact remains is I was hit again. Do I get that break I ask God so hard for, no. Instead I get a fucking slap in the face. I just ask you, what have I done wrong? How am I such a bad person that I deserve this? I try to live my life right, try to stay above the water as much as possible, don’t do anything to upset anyone…in fact I try to help people as often as I can. I go to a great college, good grades, good friends. What could I have possibly done that was so bad? Why does this have to happen to me. I accept the burden placed on me last year, the suicide, the cutting, the Depression etc. But what possible value does getting in accidents, getting our insurance pissed, having me broke possibly do for me. What can I do, start a website on getting in car accidents!
I try to help you guys as much as I can, and I enjoy talking to each and everyone of you…nothing more I like to do. But I have to ask you guys this, can you help me? I’m drowning now, fast. Here, at home, I am utterly alone. I have no one to turn to. No one. I am at a loss…right now, I want to die, right now I want to cut so bad I can taste it, feel it. I want to give in so bad…I feel like I’m at the end of a rope, my hands slippery from sweat and I’m in a last ditch effort to save myself. I just need someone there, to catch me, to grab me. I’m great at giving others advice, I know self injury inside and out. I know hope and how it can help. But damnit, I can’t bend forever and it seems like something is out to make me break…I can take this anymore.
I guess in a way I’m lucky this weekend, my grandparents are in, so I can’t do anything, but then again, I can’t just crawl in bed and do nothing either, which sucks. But I am scared for when they go. I do not trust myself any longer. I may choose to self injure or swallow some pills. Because frankly, I’m tired of fighting…I can only take so much ya know? I’m mean, I’ve barely been able to hang on through little things- and meds, therapy and friends helped me…right now I just have meds to get me through and its not enough.
Whew…I just needed to get everything out. I took a long walk, left a message with the one trusted friend I had (my H.S. counselor) and came home, b/c I had to write. Writing is my life line. And I knew I had write in my rants. I want to show you guys what its like on this roller coaster of life, one where we contend with self injury, suicide and depression. Its different for us than other people. And here, you’re getting my view, pure and non bull shit. Its as much therapy for me as it is you guys too.
So now you’ve got it all, how I’m feeling, what’s happened. And for once I need to reach out to you guys. Hope you guys are doing well and days going better than mine…I am holding out, I’m trying to be strong…Take Care guys.

7-18
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh...there I think I have it all out of my system now. Sorry, just had to get all of that pent up energy out...the emotions, the feelings!! My urge was so strong today I almost did it...the hardest it has been in a long time. I hate that. I really flew off the handle today...fought with parents and I...I just feel like such a failure and I have no idea why! That feeling is just always with me. I just can't seem to shake it, thus I am always prone to feel guilty, inferior etc. I know I'm a smart girl, I couldn't have gotten into the college I'm in if I hadn't been...but somehow I feel like I didn't deserve it, or that I am just not smart enough, good enough. Ah, just wish those feelings would go away. They suck, in a major way.
I guess in time, with therapy etc and time to sort myself out things will calm down...but I just want to catch a damn break for once, ya know. But alas, I'm put through this shit for some reason. Maybe I was just getting too comfortable being "normal" and I would forget what the struggle was like (though I know that can't happen b/c the nightmares won't go away and the thoughts pound through my head) but there better be a damn good reason for going through this crap.
Anyway, hope ya'll are doing well, as always feel free to email me etc. I'm alive and well and ready to talk to you guys! Take Care everyone!

7-10
I just have one question for tonight...Why does life hate me? I mean really...can't I catch a break just once. That's all I want, just one little tiny break. But noooo I have to crash my car in the rain, thus going into debt again. Not to mention leaving me without a car, while I have three freakin' jobs. And lets see...I need the car to get the money to fix the car- I have no transportation other than parents- which that isn't working out well...they can't drive me to two of the three jobs. And to cap it all off, I've clicked with a guy that I can't have.
I am not happy right now, downright depressed. Things really and truly were working out finally- everything running smoothly...then BOOM things fall apart again. I didn't think I was as shaky as I am feeling now. I think I was walking a very fine line and I just skirted away from the path a bit. I can't really describe how I'm feeling- just like a sack of shit I suppose...wishing that just once I could actually have things go my way.
Now I'm left sitting here, holding back the tears, holding back the urges, trying to tell myself I'm worth something, but not believing it. I'm plastering on my smile, trying not to be so irritable. But damnit- I just want everything to be OK...I'm so fucking scared half the time that I'm going to lose it. And then the rest of the time I'm the picture of strength and confidence. When I'm alone I wish I was dead. When I'm in the presence of others or preparing to be, I just seem to transform.
I'm just so damn tired of...of everything. Please, I wish to God that I could just have one thing be all right...that's all I'm asking for- can't I just have one thing for once. One thing that I don't have to fight tooth and nail for, one thing that just comes to me, one time that things really are okay, one time for me to be "me," one time for one thing to go my way.
But that will never be my life.

7-2
Well I think that is the last extended babysitting job I take for several reasons. First they aren't my little bro's and I didn't know the kids that well. And second I had very little time to spend on my site and emails. So to everyone I have yet to write to- mainly the guest book, I apologize and I plan on catching completely catching up tomorrow. So thank you everyone for bearing with me. Also, I will have that other poetry page up and running finally as well as making other changes. This week my family is out of town so I have the house to myself and not much to do, so I'm spending my time on my site and everything.
I'm too tired right now, from strep and watching kids 24/7 to write a meaning for rant for now, but will soon. Just though i'd keep you guys up on what's happening and apologize for not answering everything right away. So I hope everyone is doing all right and take care!

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