5-30-02
Well I’ve been meaning to write something the last week so here we go. First
of all, though, I am sending out a request which is as follows- a Health teacher
has signed my guest book and we’ve emailed and she is trying to locate a student
who left her a rather detailed letter on her desk- she is very willing to help
this student out, so please, if you are that student and reading this- I think
it’d be a great idea to speak with this teacher.
Now onto
other things. Ever since my downfall a little over a year ago, I have been hell
bent on solving everything that happened to me, find explanations and then help
others not fall so hard. Never before did I think I had come to the point of
obsession until recently. I went to the library and got four books out- two
of them for pleasure and the other two were psychology books- Noonday Demon
and Waking Up Alive. The latter was a book on suicide- needless to say this
horrified my mother and she proceeded to ask if I was planning anything, which
of course I wasn’t- I was just curious. Granted my curiosity is a bit different
from others! But seriously, I am constantly striving to find the answer to “why
me.” Not that I’m bitter or resent what happened, but I just wanted to know
why it happened to me and not some other person etc. I’m driven to find the
causes, the reasons behind actions. I scarcely think about when I was about
to commit suicide, not something I do talk about openly. Sure I do talk about
when I’m feeling suicidal, but not when I actually was to carry it out. That’s
been one aspect that I’ve kept partially hidden. And now, upon hearing of an
eighth grader committing suicide a few streets down from mine, I’m reexamining
what happened that fateful week. And part of that is me wanted to understand
how I reached such a decision, why I was firm in my decision and how I was saved.
Cutting has been something I’ve been able to figure out. Through all of my studying
and learning and experiencing, I’ve nailed down most of the cutting that plagued
me and ultimately beaten it. But suicide, depression are different beasts. And
I wonder if I’m obsessed with finding the answer. I wonder if that will drive
me the rest of my life. But then I think I’m also obsessed with helping other
people, particular ones with emotional problems. I am driven to make sure some
kids never get close to their suicide. And I’m driven to follow in the footsteps
of the one person I trusted all of my secrets to and who never once let me down.
So am I obsessed with psychology, part of me says yes. But more importantly
I’m driven to make right what once went wrong.
5-23
Well, I just thought I'd let ya'll know I'm doing MUCH better. Yesterday was
like a culmination of everything piling up and things are better now I suppose.
Not feeling too shabby! Anyway its late, but just thought I'd throw up something
real quick to let you guys know I'm back to the good ole Erin! let me know if
ya'll need anything, just email or IM or sign the guest book! Take Care guys!
5-21-02
Well I have a lot on my mind, so I am probably going to write a nice long rant.
Since I haven’t really posted in a while, this should get you guys inside my
head…hmm now is that a good thing or bad thing!
First is, I’m pretty sure I need to get back into therapy for the summer. I
just feel like there are two “me's. There is this one part of me that is sort
of shy and nervous about a lot of things. Yet then at times there is another
me that will take over and its headstrong and goes for anything. I could feel
it last week. I was a nervous wreck trying to get jobs and then the self assured
Erin suddenly took over and made me do what needed to get done. And that was
that. I just feel that I’m pulled so often. I really don’t know who I am. And
that is a scary place for me to be. Last time I tried to answer this question
I ended up in the hospital for suicide because I came to the conclusion that
I was not any good. I mean I try to do good, I have my website, I answer each
and every email and guest book message. I help out in my community with the
mentally ill and I want to be an advocate for those that have been to hell and
back. Then I’m a daughter who tries so desperately to be perfect in her mother’s
eyes, then I’m a sister who tries to be everything to her little brothers. I’m
moody some days, I’m happy some days, I’m angry some days. Is this normal? Do
normal people go through emotions as fast as me? I just don’t get it sometimes.
What can I say, I don’t have all the answers. I have the feeling my mood is
taken over a bit.
Right now I’m working every possible job I can. Baseball instructor, babysitter,
office assistant, helping a young girl in her rehab, soon to be working with
autistic kids and hopefully I will get a job as a Teen Center Supervisor. I
really do work hard everyday, taking as many hours as I possibly can. Trying
to get a job that suits me and my parents. And yet I feel it is never enough.
I have to pay my parents back- they paid for my new engine, so I am trying to
pay them back as soon as I can. The money I make goes straight to my parents.
I don’t see any of it. I’m working, what four or five jobs, granted they aren’t
everyday jobs except for the autistic/rehab and teen center job. And my parents
still get on me. Last summer I wasn’t stable enough to even work a job. I was
trying not to be suicidal, trying not to cut. And now this summer I am working
my ass off every hour of the day I can. Plus, I have to try to be a great big
sister to my little bro’s and a great daughter, keeping my room neat and doing
what I’m told. To tell you the truth I am overwhelmed. I am just a year removed
from my big break down and barely a month removed from my last hospital visit.
And here, I have no time to myself. Hardly any time to chill. The only time
I can is after my bro’s go to bed b/w eight or nine. Then I have my free time
and there is so much that needs to be done with my website and just plain fun
I want to have like watching TV or playing Nintendo. I don’t know, it just seems
as if my brain is over stimulated, pushed to its limit and its telling me that
its not ready. I’m not ready for all this hassle again. My coping mechanisms
suck and I get so confused and I’m moody. All of it clashes together and its
not a pretty site.
Though I don’t feel like cutting right now, its in the back of my mind I know.
I can remember last year when everything just went crazy, I could cut and gain
my focus and I long for something to replace that. Hmmm, I think I will call
tomorrow for some therapist, I think I really need that. I need to unload and
gain some perspective before everything eats me alive again. I’m beginning to
bottle things up again. Eventually it gets so much that I can’t let it out without
a big bang.
Part two of my rants is my loneliness. I just finished watching my three favorite
shows on TV and there season finale’s and I swear what timing- in each and every
one of them the main character ended up alone or feeling alone somehow. My friends
from college are out of state or a couple hours away from where I am. I really
don’t have any friends from high school, except for two of them which I keep
forgetting to contact, plus they haven’t contacted me. I feel like an outcast
with people my age. I refuse to play people’s stuck up games and be all frilly
(into make-up, fashion, boys etc) because that’s not me. Sometimes I just feel
that I’m unlikable. I wonder what is wrong with me. Parents/adults praise me
and little kids look up to me, but I have nothing my own age. I think I’m average
looking, have a good sense of humor and intelligent. So where have I gone wrong.
Am I too serious? Too much weighing on my mind? I don’t know, I see things differently.
I almost died, by my own hand at that and some things just aren’t important
to me anymore. But why oh why can’t I have friends my own age. Why can’t they
like me, why can’t I feel like part of the group. Even at college I feel like
an outcast. There is my one big group of friends, but within it there are smaller
groups of people that are close and hang out more. I belong to none of these
groups. I’m just there. And oh how I wonder what will happen next year. Will
I be called to go places? Will I be forgotten? I pray I’m not. I still wish
I was normal. I mean my roommate found me on the floor bleeding out. I wish
to God I could take that back. Wish I could take back the dark times of the
first semester. That wasn’t me. The real me is screaming to be heard. I just
want to fit in but it is painfully evident that I don’t and I don’t know why.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I just want to know that. I want the closeness of several
friends. You know, the ones there through thick and thin, you sure your happiest
moments/memories, gossip on the new man you like, and spend all night talking.
When I was little I always had a small close group and then one that I was esp.
close to. Now I have nothing. Just a girl who wants to be accepted. I’m just
a girl who wants to prove she is a good friend and worthy of someone’s friendship.
And I wonder why I am so different.
Geez, I’m pitiful. I swear Wellbutrin must have opened up my tear ducts, because
here rolls the tears. Alone, late at night, pouring out my feelings to perfect
strangers. I felt I was moving forward there the last few months of college,
but now I feel I’m slowly moving backward and don’t know how to stop, though
I’m thinking therapy is the answer. Guess I really should call tomorrow and
maybe I can drop by and see Ms. Burns. She is still the one person in this world
that I trust more than anybody. Don’t know what it is about her. Maybe its because
when I was ready to die, it was her voice I heard in my head and I’ll never
forget how she kept me alive. I’m….I’m just exhausted. Mentally and physically
exhausted. Meds can only take me so far. They aren’t miracle pills, but they
are able to get me to a position where I can seek outside assistance and I’m
willing to bet they helped in me stopping my cutting.
What’s really weird about all this is I haven’t had one of those really strong
urges, which is good. Ever since I made my final decision, realized it was a
CHOICE above all other things, I’ve been able to really control my cutting.
Hurray, I guess. But I’m still living with the consequences such as the nice
great big scars on my arms which I wish I could erase. Oh well, that’s the way
life goes.
Well I think this is a horribly depressing rant and I think I should end it
now before it gets worse. I don’t bull shit here. You guys get the full uncensored
thinking of me. This is what is going on inside my head and writing it all out
helps me too. So I hope you guys are doing well. Please feel free to email me,
of course, any time or IM me. Take care guys.
5-18
Sorry its been so long since I've posted guys! But here I am again! Life has
been extremely busy. I'm working several odd jobs- babysitting, office work,
batting instructor, working with autistic kids, working on motor skills with
other kids! WHEW! to add to that, I haven't had my meds in a week- I ran out
and left my prescription at the college pharmacy, so I figured that I could
hold out till Monday when I see my psychiatrist. So another thing you can learn
from Erin's mistakes- DON'T STOP TAKING MEDS! Sometimes I hate how stupid I
can be. But other than that things have been fine. Only have had a couple urges
to really cut, but they of course passed. I think I've just been too bust to
really think of anything of substance. Just going through the day, making money
where I can to pay off the new engine I just got in my car. I wish to God it
hadn't blown up, but hey that's the way life goes- and mine especially loves
to through challenges my way and see how much stress I can take. But anyway,
I am writing a little something this weekend that I will post, but I am too
tired to get it on tonight, so definitely look for something tomorrow. I hope
you all are doing well and as always, email/IM me if ya need anything! I'm here
for you guys! Take Care.
5-7
I must say...Wellbutrin is my friend! It seems that ever since I started it
everything has been going really well. I don't know, maybe it is that or it
could just be my overall attitude and the way I scared the shit out of myself
when I last cut. And man, I left one heck of a scar with that last cut or I
should say cuts!
The scars are what haunt me now... I go to sleep with flashbacks of my last
cut...not too fun. The haunting can be tough sometimes. I think that could be
what erodes my strength sometimes. Sometimes I can remember so vividly what
happened. And since I couldn't feel pain when I cut during that time, y flashbacks
consist of just seeing myself cut into my skin, tearing the skin away...but
without pain. Makes it even more vivid considering I didn't have any pain to
mask what I was doing. Ugh! I wish I could take it all back...but then again
it has led me on my current path which is where I'm supposed to be. I'm torn...if
I had to do it all over again, would I? On the one hand, no b/c of the pain
it has caused me and those close to me. On the other hand, yes, b/c of what
I've done because of that: Created the website, emailed people etc. I've really
helped people (at least I hope I have!) I will forever remain torn about that
I suppose. Anyway, things are winding down here at home. Still pretty busy,
but not as... I will be able to write emails and guest book stuff at night or
every other night! So sorry if it takes me a day or two to get back to you guys-
but rest assured, I will write back as always.
Well since it's now one thirty am I think I shall wind this rant down. I'm just
doing well, which is damn good for me. I wish the bad days would never return,
but they will, just not as much! I hope you guys are all doing well. Let me
know if ya need anything of course! Take Care guys!
5-6
Been a super long while since I've written, so just thought I'd let you guys
know I'm doing well, moved back home from college. Working on getting a job
etc. Will write more tomorrow (it's 1:45 in the morning!!!) Let me know if ya'll
need anything! Take Care!
September
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August Rants
July Rants
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May Rants
April Rants
March Rants
February Rants
January Rants
Something happened to my December rants, I'll try to find them!
November Rants