6-28
Hey guys, well its night time, but I don't have a lot of time...I got some emails
out tonight, more on the way tomorrow, just trying to find some time- I'm exhausted
at night! And also, I think I've been depressed the last few days, maybe even
weeks. Just don't feel like myself...some urges have come back, but been ignored.
But I haven't felt like this in a while and I'm just...depressed. Not quite
sure what to do about it, I try to get up and happy and everything, but nothing
works. I think I'll just ride it out and hopefully things will go back to normal.
So that is what's been going on with me except for my jobs and everything. Hopefully
by the end of the week, I'll have a really good rant, I've got something in
my head but haven't really explored or expressed it, so we'll see! So all I've
got now is that I'm depressed and I'm riding it out, I won't give in to urges
etc.
And as always, if anybody needs me, I'm here for ya, just IM or Email or leave
me a message in the guest book...oh and the message board too! Hope everyone
is doing well and take care!
6-28
Hey guys, just to let you know, I am babysitting two kids for four days, so
I won't be in touch as much! Please bare with me. I have emails ready to send
out which I will do tonight! So, I promise that I will have emails tonight and
updates and everything!!! Take Care guys
6-25
Quick announcement- Message Board is up and running! Hope it helps ya'll out
in some way- now you can listen to other people and not just me! Lucky you!
j/k. Anyway, seriously, I really hope you guys like it and hope it helps. Let
me know if you have questions, comments or anything, regarding the message board
or anything else.
Also, the new poetry page should be up very soon so watch for it- also, I know
some people have sent me poetry in the past, but I can't find some of them.
So if you know you sent one in and its not there, let me know and send it again!
Sorry if I've misplaced it! Well that's all the announcements for now...as always,
let me know if there is anyway I can help you guys, email me, IM me, leave a
message on the guest book or message board- I'm here for you guys! Take Care.
6-18
Well its been a while, or at least it seems that way, since I last put something
up here. And my brain has been turning idea’s around in my head. I’ve been reading
up on a book called Waking Up, Alive, which of course is about suicide. That
was pretty interesting. I’ve read a couple other psych books, each giving me
different perspectives. But I finally settled on the topic of this rant:
The Mask.
The mask I wear is many. I can be what you want me to be. You say jump, I say
how high. I do not wish to cause trouble, only wish to please. You ask me how
I’m doing, I say just fine, no reason to bother you with my troubles. The world
see’s my smile when deep inside I feel nothing, empty- so many emotions bottled
up, I’ve lost who I am, what I am and have no idea how to really live. Some
people can slam doors, pick fights, exercise their emotions out, and even talk
about it. Me, I wear my emotions on my body, the marks I possess screaming to
be heard, wishing I could just say the words to end my pain. The mask I wear
is what gets me through. I cannot others see me as weak…I am supposed to be
the strong one. The one that is there for everyone else but me. My smile lets
everyone know I’m all right, no problems here. My smile deludes my heart into
thinking everything is ok, this is my world and how its going to be. My laugh
is heard so much, tears are never seen, or noticed. My booming voice is loud
above others so they may not see what I think in my silent moments. I take control,
I’m a leader, so that others won’t see that I’m weak, that I really just want
to be accepted and allow to be completely human. I succeed so that others don’t
see how worthless I really am. If I fail, it only cements my worthlessness.
I wear my mask every day, every hour, every minute. Even when I put the blade
to my arm, my mask says its ok. This is my release, this is my prison. The world
see’s my smile, but they do not see me. They don’t see my true feelings, don’t
see me weep inside, wishing I was good enough to live. They don’t see how I
fight myself every minute of the day. Don’t see how I can’t look at myself in
the mirror. They don’t see me bleed in my weakest moments- the only for me to
feel, to know I’m real.
The world see’s my mask, but they do not see me.
Ah, well
that is what I’ve got to day. Just kind of spewed out. Lately I’ve been feeling…I
don’t know how to put it, but its different. This week I’m kind of dragging
along, going with the flow and not really feeling. I feel detached from myself.
I hope it goes away, just think I need some time, sleep and caffeine! Well I
hope everyone else is doing just fine. As always email me anytime or leave a
message in the guest book! Take Care.
6-12
Well, I wrote a rant on the 8th but never got the chance to post it, so I’m
posting two tonight- that one and this one. Not much to report today really,
though. Just been kind of relaxing the last couple days b/c that’s it for the
summer before I start working my 14hr. days. That’s going to be some tight weeks.
So if it takes me a little longer to answer emails, that’s why. But rest assure
I will answer them. Just indicate on the email if it is urgent and you need
a reply soon- those I’ll return ASAP.
So my days are going pretty well, not many revelations, but I’m sure I’ll have
one soon. I’ve been thinking about a few things, but I’m not ready to share
yet because I don’t have it into words yet. For the first time in a while I
thought about cutting. No particular reason, just popped up and then was gone.
But the memories are still raw and of course there are these scars…
Anyway, I’m doing good and should have some good stuff for ya’ll later. For
now, enjoy what I wrote on the 8th. Take Care
6-8
Ok, I’m slowly catching up on emails- I got most of ‘em out today and yesterday,
so I hope ya’ll liked ‘em! But seriously, I love getting emails and messages
from everyone…whether you know it or not, this site and the emails help me just
as much as it helps you. And thus, I have two announcements. I’m adding two
new pages to my site, hopefully in the coming weeks. One is of course for others
poetry- I finally began to have a list…though I think I’ve lost some over the
months…so if you want to add your poetry and you don’t see it on the page, just
email it to me and I’ll get it up there. And for the newest thing, I think I
am going to do a page where you guys get to talk- like I’ll have a section where
people can quote on different things, such as stopping, the urges, how family
members felt etc….that way everyone can get a feel for what everyone else things
instead of just my thoughts, which I know everyone just loves to hear (j/k).
So that is my plan thus far…now for achieving that- lets hope for the best.
Now on for some ranting stuff that I really haven’t done in a while. So here
goes. I recently got two new jobs!! Hurray…one is as a camp leader for a day
camp and the other is working at a Teen Center (in the bad part of town so to
speak). So on Tues. Wed. and Thurs. starting in July I will work from 9 am to
9:30 pm!! Wahoo, 12 hour days. Its going to be rough, but I wanted these jobs-
by the way, my morning job is working with a girl that has some motor skills
problems do to a hip injury. So I will be very very busy. So I was thinking
about these jobs and why I got them…by the way I also baby-sit, do office work
and baseball instruction. When I first got home in the summer, my parents were
on me for all of May to get a “real” job. I was only doing baby-sitting, office
work and trying to get an autism job at the time. But I kept telling them I
knew what I was doing- I was applying for the two county jobs etc. and was going
to get this job working with the young girl. But they kept hounding me and telling
me where I should apply, but I kept telling them I wouldn’t be happy working
there, it does nothing for me etc. Whereas the jobs I applied for will help
me in the long run (this young girl’s mother is the Director of something at
the school of Autism in Richmond, and the teen center job assures me one of
next year- so its good for getting my foot in the door, not to mention fun).
So when the job offers came, I jumped on them…but I realized that I was desperately
just trying to impress my parents, like see I told you I could do it. And I
know they are proud and they have apologized for not believing in me…but it
still hurts that they didn’t trust me in the beginning- I mean I’ve never been
lazy, never slacked off…I have always been a hard worker, so why was this any
different. So that is weighing on me a bit I suppose, b/c it really did hurt.
And then- you won’t believe this- my mom told my grandparents (b/c she is proud
of me) and my grandparents were like that’s nice, but let me tell you about
so and so (my step cousin, who my step grandma thinks the world of, but they
live in an aloof world and don’t know hard work) and it turns out her job is
driving like 50 year olds to places, leaving them and just coming back later
to pick ‘em up. And she gets paid $150 bucks a week!!!! Hmmm…girl with one job
pulling in 150, other one with 3+ jobs pulling in 250 or so a week… I work so
damn hard at getting people to like me and think that I’m a good girl and sometimes
I wonder why its worth it…but then I know that these jobs are for me too- I
wanted them and I went out and got them…but still I feel slighted. I just want
my parents to believe in me- I mean what have I done to make them think otherwise
(ok so depression, suicide and cutting…) but I’ve never been one to slack off…I’m
too busy trying to be perfect. But I know that won’t happen…I know I can’t be
perfect and I don’t think that I am…but that doesn’t stop me from saying yes
to everything and taking a million jobs just to please someone.
I guess as you can see that I was really hurt when my parents didn’t trust me
to get a good job. I work damn hard at everything- I do my jobs, be a sister,
daughter…and everyday of my life I am faced with Depression, my moods, my scars
and my thoughts. Whew I’m exhausted just thinking of it all.
By the way- I have finally found the anthem for me- Superman (It’s not easy
being me) by Five For Fighting- you guys have to check out this song and you’ll
know me in a sense. Also Pink’s new song, Don’t Let Me Get Me…besides the part
about being a delinquent and parents not liking her etc. the basic message reflects
me, but really Five For Fighting: selected lyrics: I can’t stand to fly/I’m
not that naive/I’m just out to find the better part of me…Wish that I could
cry/Fall upon my knees/Find a way to lie about a home I’ll never see/ I t may
sound absurd/But don’t be naive/Even heroes have a right to bleed/I may be disturbed/
But won’t you concede/ Even heroes have the right to dream….Up, up way away
from me/Well its all right/You can all sleep sound tonight/I’m not crazy…or
anything.
Damn that’s a good song…as for Pink:" Everyday I fight a war against the mirror/
I can’t take the person staring back at me/I’m a hazard to myself/ Don’t let
me get me/ I’m my own worse enemy….Don’t wanna be my friend no more/ wanna be
someone else/… Doctor, doctor won’t you prescribe me something/ A day in the
life of someone else
And while I’m on the subject of songs- check out Wonderful by Everclear- damn
good song by kids going through a divorce, I felt myself in it….oh yeah and
Reflection by Cristina Aguilara is a damn good song about hiding who you are
and trying to break free- in a sense- trying to be loved for who you are (which
is what I strive for)
Ah, well I think I am out of thoughts for today. I’m doing pretty well, but
of course I’m not taking the time to really have some down time, which I think
is a good thing, but truth be told I wish I was seeing a therapist, but I just
don’t have time…can’t wait for college, that is my first order of business!
Not a day goes by that I don’t think about cutting, but its not always an urge…I
have these scars that are reminders…and reminds me of how far I have come and
I have to smile to myself. I could be six feet under right now, my parents picking
up the pieces and wondering what went wrong…instead I’m here today, telling
them what went wrong and I’m putting what once was wrong, right. And I’ve never
been so happy to be alive than the times right now. As I’ve said in the past…I
truly was given a second chance at life and now I’m taking that second chance
and running with it. This is one chance I’m not going to waste.
So I hope everyone is going well etc. and as always, if ya need me, I am here
and I’m caught up on things! Wahoo! And never ever hesitate to send emails guys-
I read and respond to all of ‘em and I don’t mind a bit. Its just as much therapy
for me as it is you. Any way, I’ve talked way way too long. So catch ya later.
Take Care
6-5
Ok, I just wanted to let ya'll know I'm a bit backed up on everything, but I
promise to answer all emails and messages on guest book! Just might take a few
days! But I plan on getting them all out tomorrow sometime! If you really need
an answer fast, just let me know and I will do yours ASAP.
I'm doing very well right now, but very busy with jobs! Right now I'm doing
some office work, babysitting and baseball instruction...then in July I have
a hectic schedule because Mondays I work from 9 to 6:30 and then Tuesday, Wed.
and Thurs. I work from 9 to 9:30!!! I will be quite the busy bee, but hey, its
money in my pocket. And I think its good for me to stay busy- won't have time
for my thinking to get me in trouble. Based on my schedule I won't be able to
see a therapist, but when I get back to school that is a priority. I need to
prevent stuff from happening instead of intervention after things have crashed.
Therapy has really helped me and I'm in no way "healed" yet. Still got some
unfinished business. Its' probably not the best thing to just avoid it this
summer, but its the best I can do...plus I'm cut free- so I think I'll survive!
Hope everyone else is doing well...as always feel free to email me, IM me or
leave a message in my guest book- I do respond to each and every message!!!
So ya'll take care and talk to you later.
New Rants
September
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August Rants
July Rants
June Rants
May Rants
April Rants
March Rants
February Rants
January Rants
Something happened to my December rants, I'll try to find them!
November Rants