November Rants- 2001
11-3
Stopping will be the hardest thing you’ll have to face. The strength will not
come from others. It can only come from within. I can’t describe to you what
it feels like to be strong enough, but its just here. I got to the point where
I said screw it- I’m stopping. It takes every ounce of strength I have. Stopping
is not for the weak or cowardly. It is only for the strong. It will not be accomplished
halfway. Its all or nothing.
----death is not the most tragic lost in life. the most tragic lost is what dies inside of you while your still alive---- This is what has happened to us. Killing ourselves is not the worst thing that can happen. It is not the end. We have reached the end. We’ve lost ourselves, lost everything. Inside, we are dead. Thus, killing yourself, well that adds nothing.
---- To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet.----- Choosing to die is not/never the way out. The fact that we choose to live through the pain gives us far more courage than many people could ever dream of. You think of yourself worthless, unimportant- well choose to live without SI and you will have gained more wisdom, more power, more courage than those that you idol will ever achieve. Laugh at what I say, call it a load of shit, I don’t care b/c it is the truth. I have stopped. I take everyday as they come, never knowing if I will fail again. But you know what, even if I fail, I know I will always pick myself up again and try again. Suicide is selfish and pointless.
As for SI, stopping can come when you find something to replace it. If you can’t find something to replace it, you can still beat it. I never found something to replace it, but I still fight the war. I have beaten it thus far and with each day my strength grows. And you know what, I am glad this happened to me. I’m not sad about it, I don’t regret it. Hitting rock bottom was the best thing that ever happened to me. It has turned my life in a new direction. Not only will I be a counselor one day, but I want to increase awareness of SI, so hopefully I’ll be doing some advocacy stuff. I have chosen to fight on in this life. I’m too stubborn to leave it. If people don’t want me here- well by staying I’m saying “fuck you” I’m here, live with it. I’ll even tell myself that. There comes a point where you simply say, Fuck It. And you start your journey. It is said that the longest journey is the journey inward. Very true- you have been exploring the deepest and darkest aspects of your humanity. Pretty scary shit… and you’ve become wiser than your closest friends. Many people never make that journey. Well they’ve lost out. Many people have never hit rock bottom. They’ve missed out. You never truly begin to live until you’ve almost lost that life. It is then that you begin to realize why life is worth living.
I wish
so bad that I would cut again. It is ten times easier than living without cutting.
But then I would be right back where I started. I have come this far, I’m going
to make it. Sure, I might relapse and be pissed at myself, but then I’ll just
begin my journey again.
--- It is not the critic who counts; Not the man who points out how the strong
man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit
belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust
and sweat and blood; Who strives valiantly; Who errs, and comes up short again
and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; But who
does actually strive to do the deeds; Who knows the great enthusiasms, the great
devotions; Who spends himself in a worthy cause; Who at the best knows in the
end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worse, if he fails, at least
fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold
and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.------
By triumphing, you will be gaining more knowledge than school, books, people
could ever teach you. By triumphing, everything else will seem a breeze. A D
on a paper, ah that’s nothing- I beat SI, I beat suicide. You tell me which
is harder.
I am going to live. I am going to live without abusing myself. And for the rest of my life I am going to stand by those that currently engage in SI, giving them hope and inspiration. I am going to counsel those that are sane and those that may need help to clear a few bumps. Free will was given to man, I’m taking it and running with it… I choose to live and not be imprisoned by the limitation of my mind, by this addiction.
Courage comes to those that choose to say Fuck It. One decision can change your life. Go with the strong and choose to do that which is most difficult. You will reap the greater benefits. The benefit of life.
September
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February Rants
January Rants
Something happened to my December rants, I'll try to find them!
November Rants