Fujin: FIRST: I got it at Hot Topic. I do all my shopping there.

Zell: I do all my shopping at Bloomingdales!

Squall: *suddenly animated* I do all my shopping at the Leather Emporium!

Fujin: *smacks them both upside the head* SECOND: I do not talk "LIKE, THAT." First of all, to necessitate a comma it would be "THIS, LIKE," which is when I'm using a Yoda-type reversed speech for two-word sentences. I prefer to talk in monosyllabic outbursts such as this: "RAGE!" *kicks Zell* I hope this has been educational for you.

UC: I found it educational.

Fujin: UNCREATIVITY? LEAVE.

UC: I heard you were short so I came to help out.

Fujin: RAGE!

UC: Someone asked me to ask you if Seifer has any "interesting" habits.

Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE.

*long pause*

UC: Such as...?

Fujin: BUSINESS, NONE! *kicks UC*

Squall: Does he still do that... thing?

UC + Zell: What thing? What thing?

Fujin: The thing where he, with the...? *pantomimes*

Squall: *nods* Yeah!

Fujin: *grumbly* Affirmative...

UC + Zell: What thing!? What thing!?

Fujin: RAGE! *kicks them both offstage* LETTER, NEXT.

Hello.
I've...um, been experiencing some very confusing feelings lately. You see, I stumbled across a close-up picture of someone you know very well recently and I...well, I became mesmerised by his manly beauty, I guess. His dreamy chocolate eyes...His muscular and strong chocolate-hued body... Suddenly, I feel the need to eat something sweet! And the way he speaks; so...I don't know how to describe it. But, even though I like feeling this way, I know I'll be ridiculed for it. So, I ask you this, Fujin; you know *him* the best...should I take my feelings a step further, or should I forget about the most perfect specimen of manliness the world has ever seen? Please help me Fujin; I'm so confused!

Yours,
The Future Mrs Hefty (I dream!)
SeeDcadets@aol.com

Fujin: EEEEEWWWWW....

Zell: *hopping back onstage* I know who she's talking about! It must be me!

UC: Actually, she said the one she liked was manly...

Fujin: CHOCOLATE-COLORED.

Zell: Well I'm kinda chocolate-colored... if it's white chocolate...

Squall *voice of reason* She said the future Mrs. Hefty... do we know anyone with that last name?

*long pause*

Zell: ...is my last name Hefty?

All: NO!

*contemplating all around*

Squall: Do you think it could be Raijin?

Fujin: *seeing red at the very name* RAGE! *crumples the letter* NEXT!

 

Hi Fujin!

I was just wondering, when you finally get married to Seifer, will you have children? And if you do, how many and what will you name them? I'm just sorta confused about whether it would be wise in your opinion to have kids, and what would be good names for them.

From the Pig-Tailed Librarian Girl. (By command of Selphie).
SeeDcadets@aol.com

UC: You didn't tell me you two were getting married!

Squall: *cries*

Zell: Can I be a bridesmaid?

Fujin: *flushing* RAGE! NOT!

UC: I wrote a fic where you had children and-

Fujin: *brutally kills UC*

Zell: Oh my god! You killed UC! You bastard!

Squall: Does our sponser approve of South Park references on this show?

Fujin: UC was our sponser. *thinks about it* D'oh!

Zell: *checks watch* I have a phone call to make. *jumps backstage*

Squall: Maybe we can Revive her..?

Fujin: ...maybe we can wait a little while.

Squall: ...whatever.

Fujin: Cool!

Squall: Hey, did you notice that the library girl has the same e-mail address as the future Mrs. Hefty? Doesn't she have a crush on Zell?

Zell: *from backstage, in a funny voice*: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Rinoa: *runs up* Squaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!

Squall: *groaning* What?

Rinoa: *whimpering* Somebody keeps calling me and hanging up! Make it stop!

Fujin: RAGE! How the hell am I supposed to get anything done when everybody is trying to make a soap opera out of my show!? SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP UNTIL I'M FINISHED!

Squall & Rinoa: *do as she asks*

*crickets chirping*

Fujin: *GLARE*

*utter silence*

Fujin: That's better. To answer your question, library girl, if we get married, whether or not we have children will depend entirely on the availability and quality of every single bit of birth control I can lay my li'l white hands on. If we do have kids, which we probably will, being as you've seen Seifer and you don't want to see me when I'm drunk and I get drunk frequently, I'll give them properly pre-designated elemental names.

Squall: Like Squall? Or Laguna? Or Raine?

Fujin: ...scratch that. I'll let Seifer name them. I'm afraid he'll want to call them all 'Seifer Jr,' though... *a phone rings* Is that yours, Leonhart?

Squall: I dunno. *pulls out his cel phone and looks at it blankly*

Rinoa: *squealy* Maybe it's that guy again! SQUAAAAAAALL!

Squall: *turns on the phone* ...

Mystery Caller: iS SqUALL thERe?

Squall: ......................yeah.

Mystery Caller: I'M goING to KiLl YoU, SQualL!!!!!!!!!

Squall: ...whatever. *hangs up*

Fujin: WHO?

Squall: Seifer was just threatening to kill me again. *shrug* I don't mind. It's kinda touching.Lets me know I'm still alive and that people still care.

Fujin: O~kay. Can we pretend that he was our call-in guest so I can go home?

Squall: ...whatever.