Funny Stuff
Click on the star. :p
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THERE WON'T BE A CHINESE AMERICAN
PRESIDENT ANY TIME SOON
10. WHITE HOUSE NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR IN-LAWS
9. ENGINEERING, MEDICINE, AND LAW ALWAYS PREFERRED OVER POLITICS
8. OVAL OFFICE HAS BAD FENG SHUI
7. CAN'T FIND DECENT ROAST DUCK INSIDE THE BELTWAY
6. SECRET SERVICE COULD NEVER HANDLE NAGGING FROM MOTHER
5. DIGNITARIES GENERALLY INTIMIDATED BY CHOPSTICKS AT STATE DINNERS
4. NO CHANCE FOR PROMOTION
3. LACTOSE INTOLERANCE NOT CONSIDERED POLITICALLY CORRECT
2. SENIOR AIDES WON'T TAKE OFF SHOES BEFORE COMING IN
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON:
1. AIR FORCE ONE: NO FREQUENT FLIER MILES
A priest asked a six-year-old boy what his
favorite Bible story was.
"I guess the one about Noah and the ark, where
they float on the water for 40 days and 40
nights," replied the boy.
"That was a good story," said the priest. "And,
with all that water, I think they had a good time
fishing, don't you think?"
The boy thought for a moment, then replied, "I
don't think so. They only had two worms."
THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and
Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and
water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not
breathe, you expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon
over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably
carbon monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is
not found in a free state"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes,
and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it
is even deader"
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does
it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down
on them and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more
than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium
contains the brain, the borax contains the heart
and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the
bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are
going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if
the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down
over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the
body until the heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move
up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a
lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put
the head between the knees of the nearest medical
doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.
If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration
until the patient is dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose
until it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the
cow."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection
against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern
part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides
have been taken out and the outsides have been
taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight
canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight
cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon.
All water tends towards the moon, because there is
no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is,
the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the
Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a
dead cat."
50 Reasons Why Being A Girl Is Not So Bad
1. We can wear guys' clothes. If they wear ours, they get weird looks. :)
2. Our friends don't say Hello to us by punching us in the arm.
3. Yeah, PMS sucks. But at least we have a good excuse to chow down on chocolate
for a week.
4. If we're on a really big ship that happens to hit an iceberg, we'll probably get first dibs on a life boat.
5. We get the bigger apartment on 'Friends'
6. Girl talk. You know, how we just understand each other without having to explain stuff.
7. We never have to stand at a urinal and have other girls stare at us.
8. Dark circles under the eyes? A hickey? We can just cover 'em up with a little concealer.( How do guys live without that stuff? )
9. We can jump around, shake our hair a lot, and it looks like we know how to dance.
10. We don't have to shave our faces ( ouch, that much hurt! ).
11. Matt, Jared, Leonardo, Skeet, Brad, Scott. Need we explain this one?
12. We get to slay scary vampires.
13. We don't have to douse our food in Tabasco sauce just to look like we're tough.
14. That whole circumcision thing!
15. When we get married, we get to keep our own name- or choose one we like better.
16. We don't have to deal with sideburns. What's up with those anyways?
17. At least one girl survives in horror flicks.
18. We will never have to wear tightie-wightie (or jock straps ).
19. We never have to be on the "skins" team in gym class.
20. We can take stuffed animals to bed- no matter how old we are.
21. We don't have to wear tuxedos to prom.
22. Nose hair, ear hair, back hair- so not a problem for us.
23. Slumber parties! Guys just don't know how much fun those are.
24. We don't have to worry about getting hurt, um, down there.
25. That special bond we'll have with our moms- someday.
26. We don't feel the need to slap our team-mates butt when she makes a good play.
27. Nobody makes fun of us for liking the Backstreet Boys or Hanson. Well almost nobody...
28. Pick-up lines. They're not something we need to practice.
29. We can get away with wearing platform shoes without looking goofy.
30. We give really, really good advice.
31. On T.V. shows we're always the ones who have the coolest super-natural powers.
32. Dollhouse, Delia's, Tart, XOXO, Wet Seal.
33. We can put cotton balls between our toes, paint our nails, and not feel the least bit silly.
34. Daria and Lisa Simpson are girls.
35. Bevis and Butt-Head are not!
36. The coolest, sweetest songs have been written about us.
37. We don't have to sit on our wallets.
38. And our wallets have a place for change.
39. It's entirely possible that we'll marry Ben Affleck someday.
40. Our lives do not revolve around ESPN SportsCenter.
41. We can wear dresses- without getting really weird looks from people.
42. It's so not required that we learn how to spit when we're young.
43. We're called tomboys- Guys are called girlie.
44. Fiona, Tori, Sarah, Paula, Alanis, Gwen.
45. We have nicer hand writing than guys. Well it's true...
46. Our magazines have Horoscopes.
47. We don't have to stuff boxers in our jeans (how can that possibly be comfortable? ).
48. Female pro athletes aren't overpaid ego-maniacs(yet ).
49. Girls with guy first names( like Joey ) sound cool, but it doesn't work the other way around.
50. We look good in tank tops (Hint, Hint to any under-toned guys who may be reading this!)
Idiot Sightings
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on
our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars
and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a
taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for
"minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only
had iceberg.
Idiot Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when
the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything
in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If
it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He
smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind
people doing driving?"
Idiot Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who
is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our
manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should
have lunch like this more often." Not another word was
spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Idiot Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself and for the life of her could
not understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiot Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the
keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went
to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I
watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered it was
open."Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's
open!" "I know," answered the young man. - "I already
got that side."
Things girls think guys should know
1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Girls are pretty, get over it.
5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.
8. Size does matter.
9. We don't like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a hoe.
12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.
16. We are drama queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.
19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball or anything else you and your friends talk about.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.
22. Don't make bets about us, we always find out.
23. Shave- no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
24. Even is you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it is not.
25. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's, hers are fake.
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps.
28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren't.
29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick so why the hell can't you piss in the toilet and not on it.
30. Most importantly- we are always right- so don't forget it.
