Mothers With Angels - Humor Page 1

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Mothers With Angels

HUMOR Page 1

Kids say the .... well you know the rest.
Why do we remember some of these things?
There will be more and more of these.
Check back often. Better yet, send one in.
Newest Material Shown First.

CHILDREN’S VIEWS
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue
over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
"Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus."
(unknown)

PALM SUNDAY
It was Palm Sunday and, because of strep throat,
Sue's three-year-old son had to stay home
from church with a babysitter.

When the family returned home
carrying palm branches,
he asked what they were for?

His mother explained, "People held them
over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed.
"The one Sunday I didn't go, he showed up!"
(unknown)

"The Spelling Checker Song"
I have a spelling checker. It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're laks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too please.
(unknown)

Top Ten Signs You're Being Stalked
by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters
cut out of a magazine with pinking shears,
and they're all the same size, the same font,
and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house
that looks exactly like your split-level,
right down to the fallen licorice downspout
and the half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove
in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal & saffron demi-glace',
with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and
a delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri
follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin
in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

4. No matter "where" you eat,
your place setting always includes
an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim
of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion
and endive stuffing in every orifice.

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun
pointed squarely at your temple.
(unknown)
***No offense Martha, but we are NOT perfect.***

Although I can accept talking scarecrows,
lions and great wizards of emerald cities,
I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork
involved when your house lands on a witch.
(Dave James)

Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light,
I imagine myself as Luke Skywalker,
and I close my eyes and concentrate on
using The Force.
Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others,
but I know it works,
'cause the light always turns green.
(Troy Peterson)

PRESCHOOLER'S PROPERTY LAW
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it awhile ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear
to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing, or building something,
all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something
and put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken it's yours
(No, the pieces are probably still mine.)

VERY REVEALING PRAYERS
Lord help me to relax about insignificant details
.....beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 AM PST.

Lord help me to consider people's feelings,
.....even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

Lord help me to take responsibility for my own actions,
.....even though they're usually NOT my fault.

Lord, help me to not try to RUN everything.
.....But, if You need some help,
please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back,
.....and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

Lord help me to take things more seriously,
.....especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

Lord give me patience,
.....and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist.
.....(Did I spell that correctly?)

Lord, help me to finish everything I sta
..

Lord, help me to keep my mind on one Th --
.....Look, a bird -- ing at a time.

Lord help me to do only what I can,
and trust you for the rest.
.....And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others' ideas,
.....WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent,
.....but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today.
.....On second thought,

I'll settle for a few minutes.
Lord, help me slow down
.....andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.(unknown)

A little girl, was told to draw
her conception of the Hebrews flight from Egypt.
She came home with a picture of an airplane,
the passengers all with halos and
one person up front without one.
When asked about it, she explained,
"Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."
(unknown)

The Lord's Prayer has always
been easy for kids to misinterpret,
either through poor enunciators or
from mumbling congregations.
One little boy, always a classic joke,
said "Harold be Thy name."
Two other lesser known prayers though are a
little girl saying:
"Give us this day our jelly bread." (unknown)

Or the little New York boy who petitioned
God to "Lead us not into Penn Station."(unknown)

After hearing the Christmas story,
and singing "Silent Night" a Sunday
School Class in Sao Paulo was asked
to draw what they thought
the Nativity Scene might have looked like.
One boy did a good likeness of Joseph,
Mary and the infant,
but off to the side was a roly-poly figure.
The teacher, afraid that he had
somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene
asked him who that was.
She wasn't sure whether she was relieved
or even more worried when the boy responded,
"Oh, that's Round John Virgin."(unknown)

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything:
tutors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy
and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, Little Tommy came home
with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room
and started studying. His mother was amazed.
She called him to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done
he marched back to his room
without a word and in no time
he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day
while his mother tried to understand
what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table
and went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, his mom looked at it.
To her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold her curiousity.
She went to his room and said,
"Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, "No!"
"Well, then," she asked, "was it the books,
the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her and said,
"Well, on the first day of school,
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign,
I knew they weren't fooling around!"
(unknown)

I've learned that I like my teacher
because she cries when we sing
"Silent Night" .........Age 6

I've learned that when I wave
to people in the country,
they stop what they are doing
and wave back .........Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room
the way I like it,
Mom makes me clean it up ......Age 13

I've learned that if you want
to cheer yourself up, you should try
cheering someone else up ......Age 14

I've learned that everyone
is insecure sometimes...........Age 19

I've learned that silent company
is often more healing than words of
advice .......Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair
is one of life's greatest
pleasures ..........Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go,
the world's worst drivers have
followed me there ..........Age 29

I've learned that if someone
says something unkind about me,
I must live so that
no one will believe it ...........Age 39

I've learned that there are people
who love you dearly but just
don't know how to show it .........Age 41

I've learned that you make some one's
day by simply sending them a
little card ..........Age 44

I've learned that the greater
a person's sense of guilt,
the greater his need
to cast blame on others ........Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents
are natural allies.......Age 47

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace"
can lift my spirits for hours .......Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better
on the side away from the phone .....Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot
about a man by the way he handles these 3 things:
a rainy day, lost luggage,
and tangled Christmas tree lights ....Age 52

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden
is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.. Age 52(unknown)

Slow Starter
A preacher retired and moved to the country to
enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work.
Needing a lawn mower,
he headed into town to buy one.
On the way he saw a sign advertising
a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house
and a young lad came out to greet him.
The preacher asked about the lawn mower
and the kid said it was behind the house.
The two went to look at the lawn mower.
The engine was sputtering along at idle speed.
The preacher increased the speed of the engine
and mowed a few strips.
Satisfied that the mower would do the job
they settled on a price of $25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was
riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher
pulling on the engine starter rope.
The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes.
He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started.
Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it?
Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly.
"Now you, listen here. I am a preacher
and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have,
I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years,
the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling
that rope and it'll all come back to ya."
(unknown)

COMPUTER NUTS ONLY
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer -
......A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." (Bill Gates, 1981)
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs,
....then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal
...capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document.
....If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
I may not be totally perfect,....but parts of me are excellent
(unknown)

When I stopped the bus to pick up little
five year old Chris for preschool,
I noticed an older woman hugging him
as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?"
I asked Chris when he boarded.
"Yes," Chris said.
"She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied.
"Whenever we want her
we just go out there and get her."(unknown)

A mother was teaching her 3-year-old daughter
the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime
she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said
she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride
as she carefully enunciated each word
right up to the end.
"Lead us not into temptation" she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail... Amen."
(Gene Gygax)

Hello. You are talking to an answering machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding,
windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through the office
and don't need their picture taken.
If you're still with me,
leave your name and number
and they will get back to you.
(unknown)

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies
and run over them with roller blades,
they can ignite.
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than
200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan
the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42 pound boy
wearing a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however,
to spread paint on all four walls
of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up
when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat
you have to throw the ball up
a few times before you get a hit. (unknown)

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