In my many years as a music and entertainment journalist, I've had the pleasure of interviewing many a celebrity over the years. However, never in those many years have I had as strange of an experience as when I sat down to interview this artist. As I left the interview that day, I just had to scratch my head, and ask myself, "what the fuck is up with that guy?" Since this interview was so unusual, I've decided to print the transcripts unedited, lest anyone think that I am taking the quotes out of context in order to make his comments seem stranger than they really were. So here, in it's entirety, is my interview with The Artist Formerly Known As Slime Eubanks.

The interview began in a Los Angeles restaraunt, where The Artist Formerly Known as Slime Eubanks had asked me to meet him. As I sat down at The Artist's table, the first thing that struck me was his appearance. This man was a far cry from the 14-inch haired and psychedelic clothed weirdo from the glory days of Cindy Nahaeeka. These days he looked more like a grown up version of that kid "Chachi" from the show "Charles in Charge." Fitting perhaps, in a strange way, as he actually played a character named "Chachi Liberace" in one of his latest movies, "I Feel Special." I sat down across the table from him. He was eating a Cobb Salad.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. (The Artist Formerly Known As Slime Eubanks):
Uh... Excuse me. I'm eating here.

Dunston McCrew:
It's me buddy, Dunston McCrew: music and entertainment journalist.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Umm... O.K. Well, uh, what can I do for you?

Dunston McCrew:
I'm here to conduct our big celebrity interview.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Oh yeah? Well that's cool. It's been a long time since I've given one of those.

Dunston McCrew:
Really? I find that hard to believe.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Well it's been a while since I've really been in the public eye.

Dunston McCrew:
But still, you're practically a cultural icon. I imagine you still get stopped for autographs quite a bit.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Well sure, but even at the height of our success, I was never really as popular as Henry or Ron, for instance.

Dunston McCrew:
Who?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Oh, Henry Winkler and Ron Howard.

Dunston McCrew:
From "Happy Days?" Seems like an odd pair of people to compare yourself too.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Well, I did act on that show.

At this point I started to wonder what was up with the guy. I found it hard to believe he acted on "Happy Days," but he didn't seem like he was joking, so I let it slide and just tried to change the subject. When I got home that night I was able to confirm from Garry Marshall that he had in fact never appeared on the show.

Dunston McCrew:
Really? No, I didn't even know that. I'm actually more familiar with your musical work.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Music? Oh god. I'm actually doing my best to put that stuff behind me.

Dunston McCrew:
You mean you're not happy with your recording career?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Well I mean, come on! You have to admit that stuff was pretty cheesy. Basically my agent and the show's producers got together and decided to market me as some kind of teen idol or something. Like I was supposed to be the next David Cassidy or Donny Osmond. It was embarassing. And the truth of the matter is, I can barely even sing, so they had to filter my voice through all kinds of echo chambers and what not, just to make it listenable. I guess that's better than Erin though, she was so bad that they just had her lyp-synch over someone else's voice.

Dunston McCrew:
Aaron? Who's he?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Not he, she. Erin Moran.

I gave The Artist a blank look and he continued.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
You know, Joanie? The actress who played Joannie Cunningham in "Happy Days" and "Joanie Loves Chachi."

Once again he starts pulling this Happy Days stuff. I just play along and try to change the subject again.

Dunston McCrew:
Really? Wow, I didn't know SHE sang with you guys.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Of course she did, dude. I thought you said you were familiar with this stuff.

Dunston McCrew:
Well apparently not as familiar as I thought. Why don't we change the subject and talk about what you are up to these days?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Sounds good to me. Anything to avoid talking about my "pop star" status again.

Dunston McCrew:
Does that mean the rumors of the band getting back together and cutting a new record aren't true?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
You're not serious are you? Of course not. I don't even sing in the shower if I can help it.

Dunston McCrew:
So what HAVE you been up to lately?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Well of course there was my new TV show we were working on last year. But that got cancelled.

Dunston McCrew:
A TV show? Wow, you're fans would have loved something like that. What happened?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
We actually had the first eight episodes of that already in the can, and then FOX cancelled it a week before it was set to air. They had even been advertising it and everything. It was a shame, too, because It was actually pretty funny. My character was this modern '90's type of guy and my roommate was supposed to be like an old high school buddy who had never progressed out of the '70's. It was kind of like those Brady Bunch movies in a way.

Dunston McCrew:
You mean like the one where they go to the Grand Canyon?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
No, I'm talking about those new movies they made.

Dunston McCrew:
Oh, right.

(A brief pause.)

Dunston McCrew:
So who would you want to fuck, Marsha or Carol Brady?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E.(laughing):
Yeah, Marsha, I guess.

Dunston McCrew:
So is it true that Greg Brady was a big influence in your life?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Ha-ha. Very funny.

Dunston McCrew:
No seriously. If not Greg, than at least "The Brady Bunch" in general, right? After all, isn't that where both the names "Cindy" Nahaeeka and "Greg" Orion came from.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Dunston McCrew:
Well, alright, let's talk about your name then. I understand you no longer want to be called Slime Eubanks. Is there anything in particular you WOULD LIKE to be called?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Dude, once again, I have no idea. Slime Who-banks?

Dunston McCrew:
So, IS THERE anything you'd like to be called?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Well, "Scott" is fine. Or you could call me "Mr. Baio," if you prefer.

(A pause in his answer.)

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
...Just don't call me "Chachi."

(He Laughs.)

Dunston McCrew (somewhat sarcastically):
Yeah, that's really Hi-larious.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
Are you serious? What's your problem anyway?

Dunston McCrew:
Well I'm sorry mister, but I'm starting to think that you haven't given me one straight answer in this entire interview.

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
What are you talking about, dude? You're the one who's interupting my lunch and asking me a bunch of weird-ass questions.

Dunston McCrew:
Nobody is going to want to read an interview that is just full of a bunch of your stupid "Happy Days" jokes! And if you didn't want to have your precious lunch interupted, maybe you should have scheduled this interview for a different time, it didn't make any difference to me!

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
I didn't "schedule" this interview at all, you idiot! You just sat down at my table! If you don't like this interview you should just leave! Hell, I bet you're not even a real journalist, are you? You're probably just some idiot who saw me sitting here and thought you could come and talk to a fucking celebrity, am I right?!

Dunston McCrew:
You fucking rock stars, you think you're so god-damned clever, don't you?

T.A.F.K.A.S.E. :
What the fuck are talking about? I'm not a fucking rock star! Do you even know who I am? Get the hell out of here!

At this point The Artist Formerly Known As Slime Eubanks actually had the waiters physically throw me out of the restaraunt. Naturally, I was pretty upset about it at the time. As I look back on this day, however, I'm no longer sure that The Artist was joking around with me when he gave me those answers. I actually believe he may have been delusional, and really believed the things he was saying were true. I attempted to get a hold of his mangement, to ask them about his state of mind, but they don't appear to be returning their phone calls.

So, is this all just some strange joke The Artist is playing on us, or may this actually be the end of one of the most popular members of the modern music scene? For, now, only the future can tell.
...Dunston McCrew

Joshua Then:
Here is Joshua as pictured in his junior year high school yearbook photo, making his mother proud.

Joshua Now:
Joshua currently works as a professional ditch-digger.

RED PEPPER AND RAY

lordfluoride@hotmail.com

Copyright 1998 Red Pepper and Ray