| Nick: | It's Elizabeth from Cheddarrrr! |
| EfC: | Good evening Nick |
| Nick: | Good evening Elizabeth |
| <fx: happy birthday> |
| EfC: | How are you |
| Nick: | I am alright |
| EfC: | It's my birthday I'm 31 today |
| Nick: | 31 today! |
| EfC: | A year older |
| Nick: | Than? |
| <pause> |
| EfC: | Nick |
| Nick: | A year older than? |
| EfC: | Year older than 30 as I'm 31 |
| Voices: | Happy birthday!! |
| Nick: | Hurray! |
| <applause> |
| EfC: | I've some more presents Nick |
| Nick: | Oh blimey you suddenly got very loud |
| EfC: | I got I had some more presents |
| Nick: | You did? Like what? |
| EfC: | My sister and brother bought me a 28 pound scent |
| Nick: | A what? |
| EfC: | Scent. Perfume |
| Nick: | A 28 pound one? |
| EfC: | Yeah, 28, 28 pound one |
| Nick: | What, did they say ere this cost 28 pounds? |
| EfC: | It's on the box |
| Nick: | It is? That is shocking! |
| EfC: | And they sent me a card |
| Nick: | Now did they leave it on the box cos it was a mistake or did they leave it on the box because it was expensive and they wanted you to know how much they really really love you? |
| EfC: | I think it's because they thought a lot of me, I reckon, that's why they put it on the box. |
| Nick: | Okay. Obviously don't think very much of you or they would have taken the price off the box. It ain't the price that matters, it's the thought |
| EfC: | It's the thought, innit |
| Nick: | Yeah, and I thought about sending you a present and I didn't, so I'm safe |
| Efc: | That's alright Nick don't worry. I was gonna say um, I have to get my brother something now because his birthday was June 2nd |
| Nick: | Yeah |
| EfC: | I ain't bought his present yet. I'll have to get his present soon won't I, cos he'll have bought me something |
| Nick: | Well no, beause like I said it's the thought that counts |
| EfC: | It's the thought yeah |
| Nick: | We're not trading here, they're presents. You don't have to get him a damn thing |
| EfC: | Yeah |
| Nick: | To hell with him |
| EfC: | I'll get him something, if it's only a t-shirt or something |
| Nick: | Yeah, get him some cheap crap. We'll send you one! We should her a t-shirt to give to your brotherrr |
| Kev: | No... |
| Nick: | No. |
| EfC: | I was gonna say me Mum got me a card, me brother got me a card, me sister got me a card, but me other brother ain't got me a card yet. I said to me brother why 'ant you bought me a card, he said I won't buy you a card |
| Nick: | Why not? |
| EfC: | He ain't got me one. He said he forgot, he said |
| Nick: | Now wait a minute, back up a second. He said, that sounded like, um, there was some unpleasantness going on here. |
| EfC: | Yeah me brother from Crewe he sends me a card, I haven't had me present yet, I'll have to ask for me present when I sees him, won't I? |
| Nick: | What do you not get on you two? |
| EfC: | Yeah, we get on like, but it's far away, see. He lives in Crewe. |
| Nick: | What too far to send a card you mean? |
| EfC: | Yeah I can't make it out. Should send a card though, shouldn't he |
| Nick: | Yeah |
| EfC: | I'm good to my brothers I brought them all up |
| Nick: | He isn't a bar steward by any chance is he? |
| EfC: | No... |
| Nick: | No |
| EfC: | I tell the truth, I brought me little sister up, and me three brothers |
| Nick: | Now when you say brought them up - |
| <burrrp!> |
| Nick: | - you don't mean like that, do you? |
| EfC: | Yeah I look after them. I was nannies for them, yeah |
| Nick: | Huh |
| EfC: | I brought them all up. Cos they're younger than me see. Me brother was the champion boxer, he's 20. |
| Nick: | He's a 'fessional boxer |
| EfC: | He's 20. Then I got another brother who's 18 and one brother 16 and a sister 9 |
| Nick: | And do you, do you instill discipline in them? |
| <whip!> |
| EfC: | No. They tell me like, good advice and I give them good advice and they give me good advice |
| Nick: | Yeah you wanna give them a good clip round the ear every now and again |
| <fx. beatings> |
| Nick: | Except the boxer who you wanna just, y'know leave them alone. |
| EfC: | I was gonna say Nick, um - |
| Nick: | So did you get any cake today? |
| <burrp!> |
| EfC: | No I didn't have no birthday cake cos I'm on a diet and I thought meself I'll be round the town all day, like visiting round the town and that, so what I done I had no lunch and no breakfast so I had a treat when I come back, had a few chocolate biscuits and a ham sandwich |
| Nick: | <laughs> What, can help wait loss as part of a calorie controlled diet you mean? |
| EfC: | Yeah |
| Nick: | Did you put cream and butterrrr on it? |
| EfC: | And I had another treat today being as it was me birthday, I treated myself to some cheese and onion crisps |
| Nick: | Awww! |
| <fart> |
| EfC: | Cheddar cheese with some crisps |
| Nick: | Cos there's no fat in cheddar cheese and crisps at all is there? |
| EfC: | I think everything's fattening really, even fruit. If you eat too many apples cos I read in a magazine this, one apple is equivalent to a digestive biscuit. |
| Nick: | Um, well that's rubbish. A digestive biscuit has 3 or 4 grammes of fat in it, and an apple don't have no fat in it at all, Elizabeth from Cheddarrrr! |
| EfC: | Yeah but apples |
| Nick: | Ay? |
| EfC: | If you weigh an apple in your hand it weighs, don't it, if you weigh an apple in your hand it weighs, don't it? |
| Nick: | Yeah... |
| EfC: | So what everything weighs, what everybody eat, you put that much on! |
| Nick: | Don't be daft dear! |
| EfC: | <laughs> |
| Nick: | As a professional slimmer you should know this stuff |
| EfC: | I'm joking Nick |
| Nick: | You're aving a larf with me Elizabeth from Cheddarrrr! |
| <moooo!> |
| Nick: | What? |
| EfC: | Apples ain't fattening, crisps is. |
| Nick: | No |
| EfC: | So I've been on a fruit diet, when I lost some weight, running off some weight last year |
| Nick: | So you've got an apple in one hand and a digestive biscuit in the otherrr, |
| EfC: | Not now, no |
| Nick: | And which - imagine that you did, which would you rather have? |
| EfC: | An apple |
| Nick: | You would not rather have the apple you liar, you'd rather have the biscuit |
| EfC: | No the apple, because it's less fattening |
| Nick: | Yeah but it sounds like you're not being truthful with me. The question is: which would you rather have? |
| EfC: | The apple cos I'm going off the biscuits. The digestive biscuits, they was old fashioned, they was like years ago |
| Nick: | Right, so lets recap. You didn't have any cake beacuse your're a slimmer, but you came back from the shops with digestive biscuits, crisps, cheese and a ham sandwich, is that right? |
| EfC: | No, I had a cookie chocolate biscuit, and it was nice |
| Nick: | What it was the healthy alternative, is that what you mean? Cookie chocolate biscuits. |
| EfC: | The cookie ones yeah. I was gonna say I better let you go on to the next caller now Nick |
| Nick: | It was Elizabeth from Cheddarrrrrrr! |
| <fart. arrrgh!> |
| Nick: | Thanks a lot Elizabeth |
| EfC: | Bye Nick |
| Nick: | Happy birfday to you |
| EfC: | Bye, God bless thankyou |
| Nick: | God bless Elizabeth from Cheddar, goodbye and everyfink and all that and everything lovely. |
