| Nick: | It's Elizabeth from Cheddarrrr |
| Efc: | Good evening Nick |
| Nick: | Good evening Elizabeth from Cheddar |
| Efc: | How are you alright |
| Nick: | I'm alright is everyone alright and everything |
| Efc: | I rang up speaking about the legend Jim Reeves that he's the king of country and western and there'll never be another country and western singer like Jim Reeves he's the best man singer for country and western |
| Nick: | Jim Reeves, er let me think - he did this one didn't he? |
| Music: | Now I go window cleaning to earn |
| Efc: | No that's George Formby |
| Nick: | Oh is it? What about - |
| Music: | Dickadum dum dickadicka dum dum |
| Efc: | I don't know but Jim Reeves used to sing a lot of songs, the old songs, like um Oh Tide |
| Nick: | Oh that goes like - |
| Music: | Any old iron, any old iron, any any any old iron |
| Kev: | Oi! |
| Nick: | That was great |
| Efc: | No that weren't Jim Reeves hu huh! You're joking again! Hu huh! You're teasing me Nick! |
| Nick: | A little bit yeah |
| Efc: | Um I was gonna play the competition for the tape tonight |
| Nick: | The what? |
| Efc: | The tape. You've got a competition going haven't you, every Friday? |
| Nick: | Do we? |
| Efc: | Competition? |
| Kev: | Yeah, yeah that's right |
| Efc: | A quiz like, for a tape. So what have you got to do then to win the tape? |
| Nick: | A tape? Um, I don't know what you're talking about dear. What are you talking about? |
| Efc: | The competition for your prize every Friday. Every Friday you've got a prize competition, int you? Cos last week someone won a tape on your show? |
| Nick: | They did? |
| Efc: | Or was it a week before? |
| Kev: | Oh no, there was a CD |
| Efc: | Yeah, that's a CD |
| Kev: | Slightly different |
| Nick: | Did we ever send it out? |
| Efc: | Err, dunno - have to ask Sick Boy, he's not here |
| Nick: | Um a little while ago, are we gonna play Don't Care by Clarke Kent tonight? |
| Kev: | Er yeah |
| Nick: | Are you sure |
| Kev: | Absolutely |
| Nick: | Russell do you have the address of that woman, you remember that er nice old dear that rang in a while ago and said she wanted a tape of Don't Care for her daughter that does the gymnastics? |
| Russell: | Yeah |
| Nick: | You still got that? |
| Kev: | I imagine that's in Sick Boy's pigeon hole |
| Nick: | No, in other words. Ha ha ha! |
| Efc: | Nick! How do I win a prize tonight then, what kind of competition, what kind of questions are you gonna ask me so I can win a prize tonight? |
| Nick: | Well that is a good question. How about - you wanna play the Um game? Would you like to play the Um game? |
| Efc: | Yeah I will, yeah. |
| Nick: | You don't even need to say um about it you just flat out want to play it. |
| Efc: | Yeah |
| Nick: | Okay, your task should you choose to accept it, is to identify all these people saying "Um" |
| Efc: | I won't know that, do I? |
| Nick: | Well I don't know, we'll have to play it to find out! |
| Efc: | Huh huhuh huh! Mmmm |
| Nick: | You are a fessional radio listener so you should be able to get all of these. |
| Efc: | Go on then. |
| Nick: | You spend your entire time calling up radio programmes don't you? I hear that you've been bothering people on the... local station down where you live |
| Efc: | Talk Radio's my favourite though |
| Nick: | Of course it is! |
| Efc: | National innit? |
| Nick: | It is national, and fessional. |
| Efc: | I was gonna say, I do summit else to play the Um game. I'll say what you was thinking. You was thinking that was um Jim Reeves but it was George Formby |
| Fx: | Whaaat? |
| Efc: | It were George Formby, you said it was Jim Reeves um. |
| Nick: | So in other words |
| Kev: | She's making up her own competition |
| Nick: | So you're gonna make up your own questions in order that you can answer them? |
| Efc: | Hhuhuhuhhhaha! |
| Nick: | You must be out of your mind, Elizabeth! Right, we're going to play the Um game. If you get all these right I will send you a fabulous prize in the post. |
| Efc: | Okay if I get some of them right, you'll still send me a prize, won't you? |
| Nick: | No. You have to, if you get all of these right, I will go to a shop and I will buy you a prize that is worth up to one hundred pounds. |
| Efc: | Thankyou |
| Nick: | You understand that the phrase "up to" clearly includes the figure zero. Pardon? |
| Efc: | Have I got to say the Um word? |
| Nick: | No you don't have to say the Um word, you have to identify who these people are that are saying the Um word, are you ready to play our little game? |
| Efc: | Yeah I'll play then. |
| Voice: | Urm.. |
| Efc: | (pause) That was Kev. |
| Nick: | It was not Kev. |
| Kev: | Give her one more go |
| Nick: | Oh well.... do you think so? |
| Efc: | That was you going Um |
| Nick: | Well it was me going um, that's right! |
| Voice: | Urm.. |
| Nick: | That's me! |
| Efc: | Kev again |
| Nick: | No that was me - |
| Efc: | that's you... |
| Voice: | Urm.. urm.. |
| Efc: | And that was you and Kev going um, um |
| Nick: | No |
| Voice: | Urm |
| Nick: | That was me! |
| Efc: | That was you! |
| Nick: | Now who's this? |
| Voice: | Urm.. |
| Efc: | That's you |
| Nick: | Okay and who's this? |
| Voice: | Urm.. |
| Efc: | That's you! |
| Nick: | She's getting good! All correct so far! How about this one? |
| Voice: | Um! |
| Efc: | That's Kev. |
| Nick: | No it's not Kev - |
| Efc: | That's you! |
| Nick: | - same silouhette! Different outlook on life! |
| Kev: | Hey! |
| Efc: | Well sometimes that was Kev about once, and the rest was you, um, Nick. |
| Kev: | Elizabeth do you understand how this competition works? |
| Nick: | Yeah course she does. Shurrup. Okay here we go again. |
| Voice: | Um! |
| Nick: | You call him. You like his show - not as good as mine, naturally, but you like his show. |
| Voice: | Um! |
| Efc: | That's Nick Abbot show. I love the Nick Abbot show. |
| Nick: | Who's he? |
| Efc: | Nick Abbot! |
| Nick: | Nick Abbot? |
| Efc: | Nick Abbot show yeah. |
| Nick: | Fessional radio person. |
| Efc: | He's fessional he's the best. You send me a prize then Nick? |
| Nick: | No! Listen - get this one! You call him on Saturday morning and he looks up your stars |
| Kev: | Sunday, Sunday |
| Nick: | Sunday mornings - |
| Efc: | Oh I know, it's Russell Grant! |
| Nick: | It's whatsisname? |
| Efc: | Russell Grant. |
| Nick: | He is Russell Grant |
| Efc: | He is fessional star reading of United Kingdom and the whole wide world. |
| Nick: | Ha ha ha! You make me laugh Elizabeth! How about this one? |
| Voice: | Umm. |
| Efc: | Um? That was you or Kev I think! |
| Voice: | Umm. Umm. Umm. UmmUmm. UmmUmmUmmUmmUmmUmUm.Umm! UmmUmm. UmmUmmUmmUmmUmmUmUm.Umm! |
| Nick: | No. |
| Efc: | That was Russell Grant. |
| Nick: | No. |
| Efc: | That was Kev! |
| Nick: | No. |
| Efc: | That was you! |
| Nick: | Huh huh huh! |
| Efc: | I was joking Nick. That was you, and you were on about Russell Grant, he's the one I ring up on Sundays, every Sunday after Twelve, his competition. And I ring you twice a week, on your show like, and it's a very good show like and I enjoy and Talk Radio and it's brilliant. |
| Nick: | But you're still not getting a prize |
| Music: | Why have I always been a failure...? |
| Efc: | Oh Nick. Oh send me a little consolation prize, for coming second? |
| Nick: | No! How much free stuff do you want from this station? |
| Efc: | I was only joking Nick, but you shouldn't let me down. |
| Nick: | We send you - |
| Efc: | I worked hard on that Um game! |
| Nick: | You were crap at this Um game! Let me give you one more chance alright? |
| Efc: | Yeah. |
| Voice: | Erm! Erm! |
| Efc: | That was you Nick going errrm! |
| Nick: | No that was Kev! |
| Efc: | That was you and that was Kev! |
| Nick: | See? |
| Efc: | Ha ha ha! |
| Nick: | You're getting nothing from us! |
| Efc: | No I'm only joking and having you on.. |
| Nick: | You've had way too much stuff. All of the stuff we used to have in this building you've got. |
| Efc: | I only have the jumper and the t-shirt and the badge and the pen. |
| Nick: | See - exactly! The accountants are around and they're looking in the cupboard and there's absolutely nothing in it and we said well Elizabeth from Cheddar's got it! |
| Efc: | Yeah.. |
| Nick: | We'll send you a computer, we'll rip one out the wall post it to you in the mail. |
| Efc: | Oh thankyou Nick! |
| Nick: | Well no I won't. |
| Efc: | Oh Nick! |
| Nick: | I've gotta go Elizabeth! |
| Efc: | I'll let you go onto the next caller. I haven't won anything then? |
| Nick: | No! |
| Efc: | Hum hum hum.. God bless. |
| Nick: | Well she maintained a happy demeanour, but behind it you could tell she was crushed! You're crushed aren't you Elizabeth? |
| Efc: | You done me out, um, doing the Um game! I'm tired now! I done that competition and I worked hard and umelmumumum - |
| Nick: | Well you wanna go and have a little lie down. It was Elizabeth from Cheddar! |
| Music: | I've got a brand new combine harvester, I'll give you the key. Come on now let's get together in perfect harmony! |
| Cheddarrator: | Penis! |
| Nick: | What? |
