Here is my ever-growing collection of some of the best clean religious jokes that I've come across. To the best of my knowledge these are just jokes and not based on actual facts; so please do not be offended if you have fallen victim to any similar circumstances. At any rate, feel free to send me any jokes that you may have, and I'll post them here as well.

Click Below for a Printable Version of a Joke: Back to Home Page Back to Main Jokes Page The Sin of Lying Church Bulletin Bloopers Standing Room Only Drawing a Picture The Incorrect Diagnosis Children to Church Wrong Address Praise the Lord The Bible Holy Water The Preacher's Ass Don't Step on a Duck 3,000 Year-Old Mummy The River Back to Main Jokes Page Back to Main Page

Home Praise the Lord      An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "Praise The Lord!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout back, "There ain't no Lord". Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed for God to send her some assistance.      She stood on her porch and shouted, "Praise The Lord God, I need Food! I am having a very hard time. Please LORD send me some groceries!!" The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Praise the Lord!".      The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Ha-Ha. I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries. God didn't".      The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "Praise the Lord, He not only sent me groceries but He made the Devil pay for them!" The Bible      There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"      The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"      She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."      "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady. Holy Water      There are 3 nuns and a mother superior. The mother superior tells the 3 nuns before they can receive their saint name, they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.      After the 3 nuns return, the mother superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first 2 nuns are crying, the 3rd is giggling. The mother superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?" The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden." The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water and it will be all right."      The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter. The mother superior asks the 2nd one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby." The mother superior says, "My child drink the holy water and you are forgiven."      The 3rd nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The mother superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?" The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy water." 3,000 Year-Old Mummy      An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"      "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'." The River      A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.      The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather At the River.'"   Home