ON THE JOB!

NEW THIS WEEK:


"See mom? I TOLD you meat is better. Bacon changes lives!"-Spencer, after a bacon commercial.

Erick—to Nicole “you look tired”
Nicole—sarcastic “I have no makeup on and my hair’s in a ponytail—“
Erick—"No, I’m just saying that you look tired.”
Chelsea—“Erick, you look like you’re gonna get punched in the face”

Nicky--on eye appt: "Your shifts wouldnt be affected as I am scheduled 930-530pm that day. I may even just use it as a vacation day if they allow me."
Andee: "Fly free blind birdy!"

CRISPIN: "Good morning!"
AMBER: "Good morning!"
CRISPIN: "Is it summer yet?"
AMBER: "No...it's not"
CRISPIN: "Okay I'm going back to sleep then" jumping back to bed and pulling the covers over his head.

AMBER"Spencer, you said you wanted to plant a pumpkin, should I get a plant at the Farmer's Market?"
SPENCER: "I'm planting a seed or it's like I'm cheating!"
AMBER"I buy tomato plants every year!"
SPENCER: "Cheater!"
_______________________________________________________________________

BEAUDRY'S BEST
(aka a live MIKE)

CASSANDRA SEZ...
(she's the SMRT one!)

Private GWENjamin
(eat a sandwich!)

JAMIE JARGON
(....action figures sold separately)

what WALTER says...
(Thanks, Amber, for giving Spencer a voice!)

 
"Three tops, no instructions!"
--Aaron J (say what, now?)

"Warm and one-sided--just like my relationships."
--Aaron J., talking about fresh photocopies....

"That's what I love about this place; every now and again you hear a scream..."
--Aaron J. (newest member of the Resolutions Desk...)

"I wanna get one of them 'Nokio Bluetoothless' phones."
--actual customer

"I need help activating my pie phone..." (when this made no sense to the rep, the customer continued) "It says Apple on the box. You know, my Apple pie phone."
 --actual customer

"You owe me a new pair of pants."
--actual customer, this one with a bill in excess of 44 thousand dollars.

"Hope you had a killer birthday because your ultimate present is a night shift... ouch!"
--Adam H.

"And it's not a ginormous class, it's a VAginormous class"
.--Adam H.

"This is not a supervisory issue; I will be the one assisting you, and as I said, I cannot do anything else about that today."
 -anonymous

"Why don't all the stupid people just fall in a hole and die?"
-Ada, displaying quality customer service

"How can you eat those--they taste like old lady."
 -Alicia, hopefully commenting on the texture of dried apricots, and not displaying real cannibalistic tendencies

This made me laugh harder than it should of, I don't think i've ever seen or heard the word Waffling used in such a brilliant way. "PROVISIONING: MONITORING ACCOUNT AS CUSTOMER ASKED TO BOOK HIS DISCO FOR END OF MONTH BUT WAS WAFFLING ON ACTUALLY DISCONNECTING." I imagined him sitting around looking at our lineup with a plate of syrup smothered waffles getting his paper all sticky and cursing the gods over it, going through with his disconnection because he got pages 3 and 4 stuck together and hating that the waffles "Limited his options" with us.--Andee

"Here’s my rough draft on Account Notes. Michele and/or nick-e Feel free to do a grammar nazi check and address whatever need’s a-fixing. Add as you want to add.  Or delete the entire thing, re-write something better, text me to tell me I’m a moron so my morale dips really low, and then spit on my keyboard for dramatic effect."--Andee


"Close our queue! Let's have a nap!"
-Amber G.

"We need a break--a 'learning enhancement pause'."
-Angela

"Their kid is going to be the most screwed up serial killer ever!"
--Bert (don't hold back, tell us how you really feel!)

"I am the Master Prober."
--Bert

"I am such a Sally!"
--Bert

"Did I just draw on myself?"
--Bert

"What was I talking about? Oh yeah:surveys, tranfers--ooh, chocolate."
-Blair

"You look great--and I mean that in a non sexual harrassment way."
-Blair

"I should eat his croissanty thingy."--Blair
 
"Van kept saying 'Blair, get on me already!'"
-Bobbie, explaining her trainer interview (they were making a sandwich, that's all, I swear!)

"That's too much crust--I need more meat!"
-Bonnie

"The cardboard is for roughage."
-Bonnie

"I've been hearin' good things about you--we been talkin' boutcha in the meetins."
-Breck W. (who doesn't need Gs)

"What's this "we" stuff? You got worms?"
-Brenda

“I will never let you kiss me in my mouth.”
-Buffi

“She needs to eat a sandwich. Don’t eat fruit; you’re gonna die!”
--Buffi

"We're at the kids table."
--Buffi

"It's a super shredder from the year 2037."
-Carrington

"Every time you kill PAC, God kills a kitten."
--Chad

Chris K.: Maybe benjamin cumberbun can solve the mystery of who this customer actually is.

"Cos that's what I'm all about--ruling the customer!"
--Chris W. on the Customer Rules

"I loved Captain Planet cos the theme song was so catchy...and that heart kid."
--Chris W.

"Just mail her a coupon for one free hug!"
-Chris W

"On a scale of one to lame...."
-Chris W

"Oh, but that would take away from all the time they use to touch themselves."
-Chris W, talking about other departments at work

"Open minded here...but lizard people...I'm just throwin' it out here...lizard people should *look* like lizard people!"
--Cody E. (training requires absolute focus...)

"Me and my brain are finally starting to work out."
--Cody S.

He's in great shape....for a circle....
--Cory

"You're already pregnant; you can't get pregnant again."
--Cornell to Edna

"We're roasting like chestnuts!"
--Cornell

"This lightsaber is red. And spicey! Red and spicey!"-Crispin
(uh oh, Walter's little brother is getting in on the act now!)

"I want to eat something...braaaaaaaiiins...your braaaaiiiiiins"-Crispin
“We're looking at stuffing these pigs with two gigs of ram if we can”.
--Dan in IT

"It's not the size of the purse that counts, it's the length of the strap..."
-Dana, on his man-purse

"No sir, I did not call you an asshole; you're definitely the whole ass."
-other Dana (more customer care...with feeling)

"Is karaoke such a threat to you?"
-Danielle C.

"Whitney really knows her nuts!"
-Danielle S.(more sandwich making fodder for HR)

"We're South Central--does that mean we're playing Texas Hold 'Em?"
-Darcy, clearly not familiar with stupid-rep poker

"I don't know much about Pokemon, but I'd sure like to get a Pikachu (peek at you)"
-Darla

"Let me know when you get it up; I want to come over and see how you do it."
--Deb, talking about the computer, I swear...

“I-10 by 10, let’s go!”
—Fay

"You're not angry, you're passionate."
-Fletcher

"It's okay to die there--it's the happiest place on earth"
-Fletcher

"Suck it up, for the love of God!"
-Fletcher

"You want a new tower? Fine, I'll just bend over and crap one out for you!"
-Fletcher loses his temper...

"You can't go wrong with pants."
--Garrett G.

"You don't make friends with salad."
--Garrett G.(why it's better to bring donuts to work instead)

"I wasn't getting it, and then the bill just opened up and said: "TA-DA!"
--Gina

"I'm glad you could sit beside me and read; I hope to get there myself one day."
-Gina, having a rough morning

"Get a Go Phone or go away!"
--Gina and the new policy

"It doesn't vibrate, but I could probably laugh or something."
-Hagen, on why he doesn't need to buy anything at the sex toy party

"Jamie, speed up that finger, wouldja?"
--Hagen, clearly talking about typing

"It sounds like something you'd do--like a titty--'I met this girl, got some buble'"
-Hagen, on the singer

"Bo-bo the Red Hat"
--Hagen, mocking Jamie (see Jamie Jargon)

"I was just touching your Silent Bob."--Hagen
(to Jamie)

ILD--IDD--IDK--I don't know...
Hayden, explaining international long distance

"My feet smell like popcorn--that's not a good sign!"
--Holly

OM? No, OMG...OM Gorgeous!
Ice, explaining Operations Manager Aline's new nickname

"If I'd known it was that lucrative, I'da married and divorced Todd myself."
--Jason F.

"I just keep a ziploc bag full of butter and syrup--it's like Shake n Bake but for waffles."
-Jason W.

That's not festive, that's herpes!
-Jason W.

"Don't steal another man's Best Buy."
--Jaymie
 
"And by 'we' I mean 'me'"
--Jaymie

"My exercise is this: 'HoHo? Mmmm, yummy!'"
--Jen C.

"Let's not tell anyone that I said sweet tea is crack, okay? That'll be our little secret."
--Jen C.

"Wasn't it your birthday last month?"
-Jeremy, trying to follow Tanislogic

"If I were the Devil, I'd so stigmata you!"
--Jordyn's idea of flirting

"You look really easy to get into."
--more Jordyn flirting

"I'd say 'Quit being such a hooker, you hooker!'"
--Jordyn, learning empathy

"The coffee should be drinking me by now!"
--Julian, studying for finals

"I'm customer care, not grumpy-store-rep care!"
--Julian

  "Every time you walk outside or inside its such a drastic change...its like SLAP you outside bitch and its hot....then its like SLAP you inside bitch and now its cold"
--Justin

I can't even troubleshoot my coffeemaker!
--Kayzee

Kevin Z: it is a sort of maybe that is not quite a yes, no but sort of a little bit wrong, but correct in a not right kind of way.

"Excuse me, sir. We couldn't help but notice your nice car--we think you might have money and we would like to be your bitches."
--Krista

"I make pretty babies."
--Kristin

I gave my six months notice...I could go at any time....
-Lance
 
"I found the Kama Sutra with Scout Walkers....some of their more intimate moments..."
-Lawrence

Popcorn is the snack that keeps on giving!
--Lindsay

"It's like Feng Shui--your feet can't face the toilet."
--Linda

"None of your sass, Perry!"
--Lisa

"You just want help reducing your package?"
--Louisa

“I’ll go talk to Ainsley about it. She’s…smart….with stuff…”
--Matt B.

"Homie can't make calls? What can homie do?"
--Matt, displaying his Snooper expertise

"I've never been separated without you."
--Melissa to Doug

"Laminators? We don't need no steenking laminators!"
::later::
"I'll be back...wrapped in plastic!"--Arnold Schwartzenegger, The Laminator
::still later::
"Maybe someone lamin"ate" it..."
Michele (helping Jaymie find the laminator...)

"I may have a full house, but I think your four queens beats me!"
--Michele, on stupid-rep poker

"Bert is to be referred to at all times now as 'the Masterprober'"
--Michele

"His gay is hurting my eyes!"
--Michele

"I like professional choreography, but I like the amateur stuff better--you know, like "Reps Gone Wild" or "Wild On...Star-Can". We could be an E! Exclusive--the next True Hollywood Story."--Michele
"I'da just nicknamed you "Week Two"
--Michele, to Todd

Michele: I didn’t sign up cos I think they use the trackers to nuke us from space

"Whitney! Shoot me in the head!"
-Michelle W. practicing the new standard call closing

It was all burgery and all prime-ribby at the same time
-- Mike E
 
"I wasn't sucking on it, I was just wrapping my lips around it."
--Mike E. (what happens in the training cubicle STAYS in the training cubicle)

"Do not insult the Powerhouse!"
-Mike E. in training

I <sun>burned except for this part here because my head fat blocks out the sun
--Mike E.

You're going to be happy if i have to ram a ray of sunshine into you with a catheter
--Miranda K.

You build your own hell. I just give you the legos
--Miranda K.

"It's your girly hands!"
--Miranda explains why some boys shouldn't play with toy guns

"I get extra points for being pretty."
--Nathan

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm just loading my Cingular handgun, and then we'll be able to terminate that person for you right away, cos 'One Shot Resolution' is our goal."
-Nick

"Cactus; not much better than no cactus."
--Patrick

"Peter Parker is hot; Toby McGuire is not."
--Raegen, obviously focused on training...

  "You have no idea what I'm capable of"
--Rick (37 times)

"I don't want to park my bus in your airplane hangar."
--Rob

"I'll be back once you need a haircut."
-Rory, on excessive hold times

Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It's like, 'You want some tequila?' 'No, dude, the last time I had that....' It doesn't happen with anything else. 'Do you want some jelly beans?' 'No. The last time I had jelly beans, I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face down in the mall. Seriously, dude, I can't even smell the black ones. Just get them out of here.'
--Ryan Andrews

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. "You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!"
--Ryan Andrews

Pie can’t compete with cake, though. You put candles on a cake, it’s a birthday cake. You put candles on a pie, someone’s drunk in the kitchen!
--Ryan Andrews

Who came up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.
-Ryan Andrews

"All were missing now is Tony Robbins and tear gas to make our mission complete."
-Ryan Andrews
 
"Hmmm, watch Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, or shoot myself in the face...hmmm...."
-Ryan B.

"What I wanna know is where did sexy go if he brought sexy back?"
-Scott, learning lots in training...

"Ah, the life of a puppet master!"
--Shalan, former Ops Manager

"If they made a waterproof version for chefs, we could call it the 'kitchen SYNC."
-Shane S., master of advertising

"The official scheduled time of pizza availability is now over.  Yet, somehow, pizza remains. You know what to do. Make me proud."
-Shane S.

That's their Kansas and this is Arkansas!
-Shirley

"If you see a zombie, run away"
-Spencer

"What do Eeyore and a Playboy Bunny have in common? They both like getting nailed in the ass!"
-Star

"You don't beg until it's offered."
-Tammi

"Advised customer on how to do it..."
--Tanis notes her account

"Let's pre-funk!"
--Tiffany, internal ATT rep

"Ma'am, if you go to McDonalds and buy two hamburgers, and decide not to eat them all, they don't give you back your money."
-Tiffany, using deadly logic on the masses

"Stop using diplomatic words; tell 'em to get off their fat asses and do their job!"
-Tiffany

"You need to be medicated."
--Tiffany to Chris

"I don't have a tree growing out of my face; it's a good day."
-Tim H

 I can't beat ____ at anything.  he's the Golden Boy.  Even if I did beat him they would just term 3 fake employees so that he could be first at something else!
-Todd

Desperate is ok, perverted not so much.
--Todd

"I've got the conference call blues..."
-Todd playing harmonica

"My eyebrows don't feel as heavy now."
-Todd, having a bad day

"When did my eyebrows hurt?"
--Todd

"Three! Four! Snooper!"
(training at it's finest)

"We're like 'Star-Can'"
--Troy

"Just because we cuddled after the bar, doesn't mean anything!"
-Troy, to Mike

"Can I have a quote on your page? It's "Shut up, Mike!""
--Troy

"Brokeback Cingular!"
-Troy, on the latest offer

"That guy must have a twin 'cos it's impossible for one person to be that stupid."
-Vern

"I have to get rid of the coffee I rented."
-Vern

"Oh, that taste takes me back to childhood!"
--Whitney

"And you're calling Cingular Wireless Customer Care because...?"
--Whitney, responding to a prank call

Rep: you can put them in your pocket, or put them in your purse
Megan: Yeah, Charles, you can put it in your purse

Michele: I’m glad you used that FB status on the cards and not the one about my uterus
Andee: Yeah, that might have been awkward.

Michele: Nobody wanted me on their (walking) team—“how many steps did you take today Michele?” “Six…”
Andee: We should be on a team together! “How many steps, guys?” “Eleven!”

Andee: I feel death from this one
Michele:  I did too
Andee: I love how working at Access grants you the ability to judge death from notes.
Michele: Today customer care, tomorrow forensic investigator!
Both: CSI: Access!
Andee: I can't remember how to book death
Michele: I want that on a T-Shirt "I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW TO BOOK DEATH"
Andee: hahahahha
Michele: I want a series of Tshirts with old ladies on them saying things like "I didn't touch anything!" and "Marg says her tv's not working either" and "I'm going to miss my stories!"
 
 LUCAS:  DC total reboot eh?
JAMIE:  ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MIKE B.:I got this song from the mid 90's stuck in my head and I keep singing to myself...I hate when this happens...especially since I don't really know the lyrics...so I hum it and mumble the chorus.
JAMIE K: What song?
MIKE B.: Deep Blue Something 'Breakfast at Tiffanys'....I have no idea why...I thought I heard it on a radio nearby earlier so it just stayed in my head...I've been blasting everything I can think of on my iPhone to get rid of it but as soon as I take the ear phones out for a call or something it's back.
JAMIE K.: Deep Blue Suck
MIKE B.: That's you on the weekend with the sailors
MICHELE T.: Thanks, boys, that witty repartee is exactly what was missing from my life! Enjoy your earworm, Mike--could be worse, could be ABBA!
MIKE B.:I am not sure if your being sarcastic or in some weird way being reminiscent of old times at work when me and Jamie went at it...verbally that is...the carnal shit happened elsewhere.
MICHELE T.: Totally reminiscent (big word, there, buddy, kinda turned me on a bit...lucky Jamie)
MIKE B.: I think I need an adult.

MARCO: This is a perfect example of a paperless environment
CHANG: (150 photocopies later) Marco is the ambassador for a paperless environment

 Carrie: "I like that for your entertainment song!"
Zoie: "Yeah but he's gayer then gay (re: adam lambert)!"
Carrie: "Yeah but so is Auntie Patrick!!!!!"
Zoie "Yeah but Auntie Patrick is cool, Adam Lambert isn't!!"

ROB: What do you mix it with?
CASSANDRA: They're just coolers (Smirnoff) Usually I mix it with diet seven-up.
CORY: Or gin, if you're feeling adventurous.

MICHELE: Hey, Jaymie, remember that time that we were missing you being here in ABAY with us cos the new regime is making us crazy?
JAYMIE: I do remember that
MICHELE: and remember that time where I thought it would be fun to talk to you but then I realized I was done in 3 minutes and those cigarettes don't smoke themselves?

JAYMIE: Susan has asked that all travelling support stick around after shift for a focus group at 8am.
MICHELE: Really?
JAYMIE:Would I make something like that up?
MICHELE: Where? The lounge?
JAYMIE: In the board room where HR is.
MICHELE: I’ll bring the coffee and scathing wit, you bring the infectious enthusiasm!
JAYMIE: I'll have to borrow it from someone.

SAMANTHA: I am just letting everyone know that due to the holiday, there is a delay in the transportation of the paystubs to Regina. They are in transit now, but will not make it to the site till Monday. I apologize for any inconvenience, if you have any questions about the stubs, please come see and I will do my best to assist.
MICHELE: I have a question about the stubs—are they made of chocolate this week?

JAYMIE: I'm getting a cold; I can feel it cumming in my throat.
MICHELE: Best cold evah!
WHITNEY: You're being awful nice to that cold.

MICHELE: I’m pleased to announce that at the behest of our management and operations team, I will be bringing the information about our Bonus Programs  to the representatives on the floor this week. I will be requesting supervisors to allow me to pull four agents at a time for an approximate 10 minutes to explain the bonus programs to them and get their acknowledgement forms signed as well as answer any questions they may have. This will fall in the category of coaching and will use the “coaching slots” that we currently have available. I will be doing this on Wednesday and Thursday of this week, starting at approximately 8:00 am. I look forward to working with you all in delivering this terrific news to our agents! Thank you in advance!
WHITNEY: Wow Lady, you sound uber excited to roll out the thing that’ll take up your valuable time!  How do you do that?!
MICHELE: And also, exclamation points...
WHITNEY: Like Zombies, but won’t get you dead.
 
MICHELE: You nice boy; take Guam
WHITNEY: Here! Cuba ! Gift with purchase! Gift with purchase!
Spanish/American war, explained by Trainers

Cory: Funner? There’s no such word
John G: Yes there is. Funner.
Cory: It may come out of your mouth, but that doesn’t make it real.

TODD: My class thinks I'm nuts now as I'm laughing out loud at nothing
MICHELE: Ah, well, my work here is done...
 
TODD: No thanks. I dont like the jaded ones. I like to jade them myself.
MICHELE: That's right--where's the fun if they're already bitter?
TODD: Exactly.  I like to deliver my own little flavour of StarTek Kool-aid for them to drink; build my cult myself, no tradesies.
(on rehires)

RYAN: Do any of you have a place in mind where we can go for lunch on Monday with Jeff?
MICHELE: What about Newtown or that other Chinese place on Lorne?
RYAN: I'm all for the dose of MSG and fried roadkill lets hope the others are just as appreciative of it.  I just know any training class or production floor agents will be quite unhappy though with the after effects!
MICHELE: You just came back from Arkansas —roadkill shouldn’t be an issue.
RYAN: The roadkill down there is much more exotic.  How often can you have treaded possum with grits or lugnut squirrel up and a side of ranch beans up here? Ring road kitty just doesn’t have the same kind of appeal
MICHELE: Yeah, I’m not much for anything smashed on the ring road—too gritty.
RYAN: But its called texture.  And the salt that’s already on it just enhances all of the flavors.  I know I watch way too much Food Network!
MICHELE: You know the Food Network is just porn for fat women…
RYAN: I never knew that.  Now I will never see Bobby Flay or the rest of my grilling gurus in the same light.  I feel so robbed of quality entertainment now.

NATHAN: Who owns Cellular one? Molly from the Big Comfy Couch?
EVAN: Oh yeah, with the big comfy early termination fee!

TARA: That buffalo sauce at Burger King for their chicken fries is da shit.
TAMMY: Really?
TARA: Fer reals.
(I didn't know anyone talked like this in real life)

MICHELE: Remind me again, why did we schedule this class?
CHRIS B.: So that you can have a small class of super agents as your great training skills will be even more affective on a one on one basis.

MICHELE: I'm the loneliest hooker ever.
CASSANDRA: I need a new pimp.
MICHELE: Where do I work? P4
CASSANDRA: We need t-shirts--P4 on the front, and "Parkade Hookers" on the back.

MICHELE: No, I said I used to like the Osmond Brothers.
RYAN: I like the Allman Brothers.
DARCY: Uh, I like almonds.

TODD: No Delta for you, but you get this lovely parting gift! Thanks for playing!
MICHELE: It’s probably somebody’s dad’s old KISS t-shirt and an 8 track of Bobby Vinton singing the best of Deep Purple…..
TODD: Can I have the 8 track if you don’t want it? That’s SWEEET!!

RYAN A.: I will be there using my skills and magic to unleash the power of price plan changes to those who will be toiling away with the serfs of our region!!!
MICHELE: Like Sands through the Hourglass, so are the Serfs of Our Regions…

TODD: (on getting a limboed agent) Fine.
MICHELE: I can hear the "grumble grumble" inside that "fine" you know.
TODD: Yes, it was a total "chick fine"

Michele: I sent out the email as to where folks can find you next week. If it changes, just send out a note to everyoneregina, or let me know and I’ll do it.
Ryan A: I'm sure I can handle it.  It is a daunting task though to send out that email.
Michele: Hey, I don’t remember ordering the smart ass!
Ryan A: It’s just a requirement to being a successful trainer.
Michele: Do we get a raise for that?
Ryan A: The satisfaction of seeing the breaking of the souls right before your eyes.  Then building it back up into your own model of perfection.  That alone is worth the price of the work.

RYAN: The after hours training next week will be held in training room 1 from 11-730pm for March 5, 6 and 7th if required.
MICHELE: I wish I could come to it, but I think 13 hour days and missing 3 days of my own training would be a bit much.
RYAN: But its to enhance your training experience.  13 hour days should be seen as normal as a trainer.  Anything more than that and you would be considered a perfect candidate for politics or taxi driver.
 
JAMIE: As we realize hauling a bunch of candy around in your pockets would be a nuisance to say the least, we are looking for alternatives as far as candy distribution goes. So if youse guys have any ideas as to how to distribute the aforementioned sweets, please reply.
MICHELE: Could a few of us hide behind the LRP wall and just shoot the candies out onto the production floor with some sort of airgun once an hour?
JAMIE: If by candies you mean tear gas and if by once an hour you mean every morning then lady you got yourself a deal.

TANIS: I made a bunch of puppies today. (working hard)
JEREMY: Should you be making puppies at work?

MICHELE: What's her wireless number?
SHERRY: Her number's a cucumber.
(say what, now? part 2)

MICHELE: She's very very friendly.
JAMIE: How friendly?
MICHELE: Not *that* friendly!
MIKE B.: Is she 'you and me' friendly? Or 'me and Jamie' friendly?
JAMIE: That's a special kind of friendly!
MIKE B.: That's a 'walking bowlegged' kind of friendly!

MICHELE: You're so pretty.
GINA: I'm going to hang you up by your arms!

TANIS: Ellen has an in house DJ--he lives with her...in her house.
DARLA: Oh! Is that what 'in house' means?
(her sarcasm is delicious)

Sarah: (customer not responding) Ma'am? Hello? Ma'am? Are you there? Ma'am, are you there? (ducks head into next cubicle looking for 'dead air' script.)
Stacey: (in the next cubicle) Well, she's not in here!

RYAN B: That would be weird, to have an ear in your throat.
KYRA: You'd echo to yourself.
(we're here to help, honest)

ABBIE: How many bars of signal strength are on your phone, sir?
CUSTOMER: Mine's got a wine glass and an envelope with a cat in it.

CHRIS S.: (to Bert) Oh, sure, you clean here, but you don't clean at home.
BERT: What are you talking about? I clean at home. What? You think fairies come in and do it?
MICHELE: They do at my house.

JAMIE: Hagen, sweetie, you wanna do these tracks for me?
HAGEN: Did you just call me sweetie?
JAMIE: Yeah, little bit.
HAGEN: You can't just call someone a little bit of sweetie!

CHAD: She's trying to woo me with Kinder toys.
JAMIE: and are you wooed?

CASSANDRA: I keep wanting to call him Breck-fast Sausages
BERT: No....Breck-Back Mountain....

MIKE: I'm still on the tit.
TROY: Is that why your best friend takes estrogen?
MICHELE: Yeah, but Lawrence doesn't seem to mind.

DEB: I smell popcorn.
TROY: You smell dog porn?

JAMIE: I read a headline: Lance Bass is gay. Or maybe I read it wrong. Maybe it said bass is gay. Or would that be bass are gay?
MICHELE: So if you go fishing, it that a 'gay-bassing'?

JAMIE: What do you think of professional pornography?
KORBIN: Professional choreography?

DEB: (to Jamie) Did your mom pay for singing lessons?
JAMIE: No.
DEB: Good; think of all that money she would have wasted.

CASSANDRA: Bisexual is not gay...it's only half the rainbow
TROY: It's the rainbow without the pot of gold.

CASSANDRA: I don't suck
TROY: You suck
CASSANDRA: I do not suck!
TROY: You're the Queen of Sucketh!

JAMIE: Wasn't the guy in Death of A Salesman a door to door lingerie salesman?
JIM: No. Brushes.
JAMIE: Where did I get that (the lingerie) idea?
BERT: You're renting your movies from behind the swinging door, aren't you?

ROB:I like partying in small towns.
JASON: Yeah, cos it's all about supply and demand.

GWEN: Can I get you to turn the phone on?
MICHELE: Can I get you to throw the phone out the window?
GWEN: Do you have a roomate? Can you get him to bend over?
(customer care at its finest!)

MIKE B: Michele! Michele! Lawrence got drunk last night!
LAWRENCE: I didn't get drunk....I loosened up.

MIKE B: Two strikes, no balls.
MICHELE: No balls?
MIKE B: Shut it!
(on cubicle baseball)

DEB: Did you resolve that six way issue?
LUCAS: I totally resolved it--it was an equipment issue.
(okay, maybe it just sounded dirty to me)

BERT: You guys have to show management that you are smarter than the average bear.
JAMIE: The average bear in this place couldn't find its way back into the woods!
 

home/back/quotes