She Never Knew I Loved Her
By: Aurora
Copyright Disclaimer: All characters that have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess belongs to MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing for this fan fiction.
Subtext: None--what, are you kidding me?
Violence: None--yep, not this time. What a bummer.
Sex: None
Rated G
Date Written: July 2000
E-mail: axbfeaurora@hotmail.com (Please send me feedback; I want to know what you think!)
Author's Note/Summery: After Gabrielle and Eve are presumed dead, the only thing left for Xena to do is kill herself but Ares comes to her and tries to stop her from making a big mistake. This story is written from Ares' point of view and it takes place during the last part of "Looking Death In The Eye."
I knew what I had done was wrong, but I was too proud to admit it. In my heart I knew I should have helped her because I cared for her, not because of some deal. Why do I always hurt the person that I love? She meant more to me than life itself, and yet my pride always got the better of me. Why didn't I help her when I had the chance? I had but one chance to save her life and I blew it, all because I was selfish and full of pride. Now she will never know that I truly loved her with all my heart.
I am the God of War, what am I to make of love? Why did I ever let her go? I made her hate me and now she's gone...for GOOD. It seems like only yesterday when I spoke with her for the last time...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
She had turned me down yet again. I had said that I would protect her daughter from the other gods if she and I had a child. I knew that my life was not eternal any longer and I wanted a child to carry on my line. But once again, she turned me down.
I promised myself that I would not take part in killing an innocent child, even if it did mean my death. Xena was too important to me and even if my pride did not allow me to help her, I would not kill the one thing that she loved most in the all world--her family.
So, I sat on my thrown in my palace on Olympus, watching her through my mirror. I watched as my own family tried to kill her as she road along the cliff in a horse driven wagon. She knew that she desperately had to protect her child at all costs. But then something happened that I knew was beyond my control. I saw the wagon go over the cliff toward the ocean, Xena and Gabrielle's bodies hitting the shore below. I hoped beyond all hope that my beloved Xena was still alive.
As I watched tentatively I saw her stir and rise to her feet. She staggered over to the wagon, looking desperately for her child in the burning wreckage. I saw the fear in her eyes, when she had realized that her daughter was dead and that she had lost yet ANOTHER child. My heart sank deep in my chest, knowing that she was dying inside.
She walked over to where Gabrielle had been lying and seeing that her best friend; her soul mate, was also dead, she looked toward the top of the cliff screaming "No!!" The gods stood there, looking down at Xena. She had lost everyone she had ever loved. I saw her draw her sword and lift it high above her head. It was then that I knew I had to stop her. Disappearing in an instant, I reappeared in front of her, grabbing the sword that she was about to plunge into her stomach.
Taking the sword from her hands and throwing it aside, I slowly walked up to her, placing my hands around her waist.
"No, Xena. Don't." I whispered, trying to show her how much I cared.
"Ares...you can't stop me this time." She had said as she reached for a vial of poison.
My heart sank as I saw it. I knew that I had very little time to save her.
"No." I whispered, pleading for her not to kill herself.
"It's over. It's OVER." She said, pushing me away.
I watched as she drank the poison. I knew that it was the last time I would have with her. She slowly became weak and I rushed to her side, grabbing her. I held her gently in my arms as she slowly faded away.
"Join your family." She said weakly. "Tell them it's a packaged deal. They get me too." She said, falling limp in my arms.
Tears began to fill my eyes as I gently laid her on the ground. I missed her so much. I could not believe that I had let her go, that I had hurt her for so many years.
I stood there for what seemed like an eternity in silence, wondering how I would live without her. I would never see her again. She was the only woman I had ever loved and there would NEVER be another like her in all eternity.
I knew that I would have to give her a proper burial. I went over to Gabrielle and transported her to a coffin made of ice in a cave high in the mountains. I knew that she and Xena always wanted to be buried together, so that's what I intended to do. Once Gabrielle was placed safely in her coffin, I went back for my love.
I gently picked her up and we reappeared in the snowy mountains. I walked slowly toward the cave. My heart had been broken in two, knowing that she was dead; she never even knew that I had loved her. I had so many chances to tell her how I felt and every time I blew it. I hated myself for every selfish thing that I had ever done to her.
When I reached the cave I carefully placed her in the coffin, brushing the hair away from her face. I looked down onto her still form--she looked so peaceful and calm. I knelt by her coffin and glanced over at Gabrielle. I turned back to look at Xena and began to speak.
"You're with her now." I said to the lifeless body before me. "I handled you all wrong. I know that." I paused and then continued, trying to keep my voice from breaking. "She knew what you needed--unconditional and unselfish love. And I couldn't give that to you, but I appreciated you in ways she never could--your rage...your violence...your beauty. When you sacrificed yourself for others, you were hers. But when you kicked ass, you were mine."
I bent over and lovingly kissed her lips for the last time. Once I'd parted, I stood up tall next to her coffin and a tear fell from my cheek.
"I love you, Xena." I said, closing the lid to her tomb.
I made an arrangement with flowers on top of an ice block where I had stuck her sword. I took her chakram and placed it on her sword, my gift to the Warrior Princess. It was the least I could do after all the pain that I'd caused her. I knew she would never love me the way that I'd loved her.
Walking out of the cave, I turned around and sealed it shut, so that no one would ever disturb their bodies...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I've never forgotten about her, even after all these years. I just wish that she had known that I had loved her. I guess you never know how much something means to you until it's gone. She will be a part of me for as long as I live. I love you, Xena.
*~From the writings of the God of War--the only god who has ever truly loved a mortal with all his heart and soul~*
THE END
