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Uncertain Feelings
By: Aurora
Copyright Disclaimer: All characters that have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess belongs to MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing for this fan fiction.
Subtext: None--what, are you kidding me?
Violence: None--yep, not this time. What a bummer.
Sex: None--just 'cause there's no sex, doesn't mean there can't be kissing.
Rated G
Date Written: November 11, 2000
E-mail: axbfeaurora@hotmail.com (Please send me feedback; I want to know what you think!)
Author's Note/Summery: After Xena and Ares go their separate ways, Xena begins to have dreams of Ares and she doesn't know how to deal with them but when Gabrielle has advise for her, she realizes something deep inside herself she hadn't known was there. Takes place after "Coming Home."
Xena tossed and turned all night in her sleep. Vivid memories of Ares invaded her mind and her dreams...
* * * * *
...............
"Xena, I want to protect your unborn child from the other gods."
"Look you stalking me is not helping the trust factor any."
"This is NOT your standard god obsession, okay? I am having urges that I'm not real proud of."
"I'm not going to become your little warrior queen, Ares. Besides, you expect me to believe you'd protect a child the fates say will destroy you?"
"They say it'll destroy all the gods. Now, if I'm going to be mortal, I could...live out my life...with you."
"What are you saying?"
"I have feelings for you, okay? I care about you, damn it. I see your face everywhere."
"You stop it! You're so desperate, you're trying to convince me that you LOVE me?"
...............
"I am here to help you."
"That's what you said last time in Tartarus when you tried to convince me that you loved me."
"I do. But that's why I'm here. To prove it to you."
"Then your wasting your time. I'd never swallow that."
"Thanks to that kid of yours I am DYING. So, why would I lie?"
"Because you're Ares, you always lie."
"Not any more. All I want is to end my life the way it REALLY started--fighting side by side with you."
...............
"I'm willing to fight beside you, be a father to Eve...and to a child of our own. Every god on Mt. Olympus is targeting you. Now all I'm asking is your word we'll be together, have a child, and I'll make all this go away. I swear."
...............
"...I'm offering you my sword and the body that wields it. You want immortality; a child is immortality, a legacy, a lineage. You help me save my daughter and you will be her father. Through her we can live forever"
"I have desired you from the very first time I saw you in battle."
...............
"Why do you continue to deny us? When we were fighting side-by-side it was like we were one."
...............
"I felt something."
...............
"I was kind of hoping you'd be back. I got to know what happened. I thought you were dead."
"It's a nasty rumor."
"No. No, see I MOURNED you. For years I mourned you."
...............
"It DOESN'T get more personal then when you corrupt my daughter the way you did me."
"See, that is just my point. It's not the same. Nobody's the same as you, Xena, not for me."
"Then let me take her away. Ares, the other gods don't need to know."
"It's not my call. But the offer...is what it's always been-you and me together, a child, and I'll take Livia's secret with me to the grave. Otherwise..."
"You'd condemn to death a woman you claim to love?"
"No, but I'd condemn her daughter."
...............
"The thought of being with you...or of having your child...that sickens me."
...............
"How does it feel Xena-knowing the person you love despises you, trying to reach her, but knowing, in the end, it'll either be her or you?"
...............
"You're not going to kill me, are you?"
"Why ever NOT?"
"Because I love you. Yeah...I love you."
...............
"I gave up my immortality to save them."
...............
"It's not the end of the world. Who knows? Maybe as a mortal I can experience something I never could as a god."
"Like what?"
"Like you."
"You never give up, do you?"
"I guess I'm finally getting to you."
"No, you always got to me, but you were bad for me, Ares. You still are."
"Xena...is there even a chance we could be together one day? I don't know, maybe...one in a thousand?"
"More like one in a BILLION."
"So you're saying there is a chance."
...............
* * * * *
"Xena...Xena, wake up." Gabrielle said, gently shaking her friend.
Xena gasped and flung awake. She looked at Gabrielle.
"Is something wrong, Xena? You've been sleeping longer than you normally do. Are you okay?"
Xena sat up while Gabrielle sat next to her.
"I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been having these dreams; very intense, vivid dreams and I don't why."
"What are the dreams about?" Gabrielle asked calmly.
"I don't think you would understand."
"Yes, I would. Just tell me."
Xena sighed deeply. "I've been having dreams about Ares."
"What about him?"
"Everything that's happened between us since Eve was born keeps replaying in my mind. The memories are so vivid that I can hear each word that we said. It's so real but I just can't figure out why I can't get him out of my mind."
"Maybe you're feeling guilty about something you did to him or maybe...maybe you have feelings for him."
Xena jumped up and walked passed Gabrielle.
"No, no! That CANNOT be it. I do NOT have feelings for him. Gabrielle, this is ARES!"
Xena looked down at the ground and Gabrielle stood up.
"I know that he IS Ares, but Xena, I can see that he's changed over the years. I think that you are denying your feelings for him."
"Gabrielle, how would you know?!" Xena snapped. She didn't mean to get angry with Gabrielle, it just kind of happened.
"Gosh, Xena. I was just trying to help."
Xena sighed. "Gabrielle, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you but I'm just so confused. I don't know what to feel."
Xena walked over to a tree and fell to the ground. Gabrielle slowly walked over to her and sat next to her, laying a hand on her shoulder.
"Xena, if you deny the feelings you have for Ares, the only person you're really hurting is yourself. If you don't allow yourself to love, you will become just what Ares once wanted you to be--a ruthless warrior with a heartless soul. But that's not who he wants you to be anymore, Xena. He just wants you."
Xena sighed and looked at her friend. "You seem to understand my feelings better than I do. How?"
"I know you inside and out, Xena and I've seen how you've acted around Ares. Yes, you may have pushed him away and never trusted him, but I could see that it was just a cover up to what you were REALLY feeling."
"But how can I trust him after everything he's done to me?"
"Xena, everyone makes mistakes. He's proved that he love's you many times. I mean, I could see how heart broken he was when he realized that he had killed you after he'd pushed you into the frozen pond. I also saw his heartache after you had used him to defeat Athena and then turned down his offer."
"So, what am I suppose to do about these feelings that I can't deny."
"Just embrace them." Ares said.
Xena and Gabrielle looked up to see Ares standing across from them leaning against a tree.
"Ares." Xena said, surprised.
"Good morning, Xena."
"I'll go get some wood for a fire and leave you two to talk." Gabrielle told Xena as she stood up and walked into the forest.
When she had left, Xena looked at Ares who was still standing against the tree waiting for her to speak.
"What are you doing here?" She asked with no hint of emotion in her voice.
Ares walked up to her and knelt down in front of her. He took her hands and rubbed them tenderly.
"I just wanted to see you again. I know you said that there's only one in a billion chance that we could be together but Xena, nothing can keep me from you. I want to be with you more than anything."
"You do?"
"Yes. Don't you know that by now?"
"Ares, I don't know what I know."
"Maybe this will convince you."
Ares brushed his lips with hers and then looked deep into her crystal blue eyes.
"I don't know what to say." Xena whispered.
"Then don't say anything. Just follow your heart."
Xena knew that she had to follow her heart if she wanted to understand her feelings for Ares. She placed one hand on his neck and passionately kissed him. They slowly stood without breaking the kiss and Ares pulled Xena closer to him, running his hands up and down her body.
Ares was surprised when Xena pushed herself from his grasp and stepped back but then he realized what she intended to do. She took off her armor and dropped it to the ground.
Ares walked around Xena and gently lowered her shoulder straps, exposing the skin there. He began to massage her shoulders as she closed her eyes, feeling the softness of his hands.
After he had finished, he brushed the hair away from her shoulders and began to kiss her all along her neck. The pleasure she felt was unforgettable. She had never felt so relaxed and so connected with anyone in all her life. She never would have believed that it would be Ares who would make her feel this way.
Xena turned to face Ares and locked their lips together once more. When they finally parted, Xena sighed.
"So, does this mean we're starting over?" Ares asked.
"Yeah. I guess it does." She smiled.
"Will Gabrielle understand? I mean I know how she feels about me."
"Don't worry about how Gabrielle will feel. She understands completely. She was the one who told me to follow my heart and in fact, she believes that you and I belong together. We are bonded by something even stronger than death."
"You believe that?"
"I do now."
They once again joined in a loving kiss, realizing for the first time that they were meant to be together--not as warriors, but as lovers. Nothing in the world would be able to destroy the love that the now shared.
THE END
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