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The Last Prophecy
By: LadyKate
An "imaginary episode" of "Xena: Warrior Princess." Obviously, the characters of Xena, Ares, Gabrielle, Eve, etc. do not belong to me but to Renaissance Pictures and MCA/Universal; there is no money to be made from this writing, and no copyright infringement intended.
Rating: PG-13.
Sex: some sexual references and humor; one tastefully depicted sexual situation.
Same-sex subtext: none (except for one veiled reference to the possibility of such).
Violence: yes, some of it rather graphic and possibly disturbing.
This "episode" takes place in Season 6, some time after "Old Ares Had a Farm." It represents an alternate plot development in which the events of "The God You Know" and "You Are There" have never taken place. Xena still has the power to kill gods, Ares is mortal, and Aphrodite is a goddess.
Teaser
Late afternoon at the farm. In the golden glow of the setting sun, moths are dancing in the air and birds are singing. Horace, the dog, runs around in circles barking and chasing a butterfly. Ares, wearing his leather pants and no shirt, is chopping firewood.
VOICE (dripping with sarcasm): What a heartwarming scene.
Ares turns around with a start. Hovering over him on a golden surfboard is a handsome, golden-haired young man in a shimmering outfit of white and gold. It's Apollo, looking at Ares with a haughty sneer.
ARES (turns away): What are you doing here?
APOLLO: What, I can't come by to say hello to my brother?
ARES: Tell me another one, golden boy. Have things gotten so dull on Olympus that you have to come and gloat over my misery to get your kicks?
APOLLO (floats down to the ground and jumps off the surfboard): Oh yes, boring old Olympus. Nothing like the nonstop fun of life on the farm. I must say, it is entertaining to see the former god of war fearlessly wielding an axe to cut down a whole army of dead branches. (Ares looks away gloomily) But I'm sure it's all worth it, isn't it, brother? Because when you get back to the house, your lady friend is there waiting for you, right? The one for whom you gave it all up? I bet she's standing on the porch right now ready to greet you with a big wet kiss.
Ares goes back to chopping the firewood, his facial muscles tightening with barely controlled rage.
APOLLO (with mock sympathy): Oh -- I'm sorry. I forgot. She ditched you. In fact, "ditched" isn't even the right word because you never got so much as a roll in the hay out of her, did ya? A roll in hay -- what an appropriate metaphor in this idyllic setting. (Snickers) Oh, but she lets you stay in that shack. How kind.
Dropping the axe, Ares lunges at Apollo. With a laugh, Apollo vanishes and Ares falls flat on his face. Horace runs up and nuzzles him.
APOLLO (reappearing): Temper, temper, my boy! You know, you're hardly in a position to throw your weight around anymore.
Laughing, he throws a fireball at Horace -- but the fireball seems weaker than usual, and the dog easily dodges it with a yelp.
ARES (gets up, wiping the blood from his lip): Had your fun yet?
APOLLO: Awwwww. You think I'm here just to torture you? Believe it or not, I'm actually the bearer of good news. How would you like to get your godhood back?
ARES (looks up sharply): What are you talking about?
Apollo holds out his palm with a small box on it and lifts the lid. There is ambrosia glowing inside. With a greedy movement, Ares reaches out for the box but Apollo teleports a few feet away.
APOLLO: Uh-uh-uh! Look but don't touch. You think you can just come and get it, after the way you sold us out?
ARES: Oh, so you do want something. Well, maybe I'm busy right now.
He picks up the firewood and starts walking toward the house, Horace racing ahead of him.
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Inside the house, which has been fixed up a little since Xena and Gabrielle stayed there with Ares. Apollo looks around with amusement while Ares drinks water from a flask.
APOLLO: Charming. Not quite Mount Olympus, to be sure, but I like what you've done with the place.
ARES (puts the flask down): What do you want?
APOLLO: Well, to tell you the truth, things aren't that great back home. Now that a lot of the gods are gone, those of us who are left aren't getting as much respect. Temples going to the dogs, worshipers slacking off. And ... between you and me... our powers are weakening.
ARES: You're breaking my heart.
APOLLO: My oracle at Delphi has made a prophecy...
ARES (rolls his eyes): Oh, great. Another prophecy.
APOLLO: The gods of Olympus died because of a child not begotten by man...
ARES: Tell me something I don't know. Cut to the chase, will ya?
APOLLO: If that child is slain before a full year has passed since the slaying of the gods, then Olympus and the gods who still live shall be restored to all their power -- and there will be no further threat to their rule for another two thousand years.
ARES (stares at him): You want me to kill Eve.
APOLLO: Congratulations. You're sharp as an arrow.
ARES: Why don't you do it yourselves? Scared Xena will get ya?
APOLLO: The prophecy is pretty specific. No god can lay a hand on the little bitch. Has to be done by a mortal.
ARES: And you settled on me.
APOLLO: You can get close to the girl. Besides, some of us want to give you a second chance. (Ares says nothing, thinking over the proposal.) You aren't still pining away after the mommy, are you? Come on. That ungrateful --
ARES (scowling and clenching his fists): Shut up!
APOLLO: Hey, all I'm saying is, you messed up once. A second time, it would just be pathetic.
A pause.
ARES: Before a full year -- that's a week from now. You're not giving me much
time.
APOLLO: We only found out about the prophecy three days ago. Besides, you're in luck. The three of them are coming right here. They're just back from Rome and probably planning to lie low for a while -- the brat's preaching has gotten her in trouble. They're headed to Amphipolis but it looks like they're making a stop here -- should be arriving tomorrow. (A long pause.) Well?
ARES: I'll think about it.
APOLLO: Don't think too long. (Tosses a gold-mounted dagger on the table.) You can use this.
The magnificent weapon gleams dazzlingly in the rays of the setting sun streaming in through the window. For a few moments, Ares stares silently at the dagger. Then he grabs it with a hurried motion, as if afraid to think about it much longer.
APOLLO (laughs): Good for you! Oh, and I forgot to tell you one more thing.
ARES (eyeing him suspiciously): I bet it's the best part.
APOLLO: You could say that. For the prophecy to come true, there is another who must die as well. The slayer of the gods.
He slaps Ares on the shoulder and, with a burst of gleeful laughter, vanishes in a puff of golden smoke. Ares stares after him, stunned. With a shout of anguish and rage, he brings the dagger down on the table, driving the sharp blade into the wood.
[Opening credits ... In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings, a land in turmoil cried out for a hero... She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle... The honor, the passion, the danger... her courage will change the world...]
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The next day. Xena, Gabrielle and Eve are riding up to the farmhouse.
EVE (sullenly): Oh, mother. I can't believe I have to be around him for two days.
XENA: I did promise him I'd visit. Besides, it's a place to rest before getting back on the road. (Pause) Eve -- are you still in love with him?
EVE (distressed): Mother -- how can you even ask me that?
XENA (with a dry chuckle): Trust me, I can.
EVE (shocked): Are you --
XENA (cuts her off): Look, Eve. Ares caused us all a lot of pain. But at a certain point, if he hadn't been there, we'd all be dead. Maybe if it hadn't been for him, we wouldn't have gotten to that point, but -- who knows. If I was keeping score ... I don't know who'd owe what to whom.
GABRIELLE: Besides, he's not the same Ares. You should have seen with that little dog. (She giggles at the memory) Eve, forgiveness is part of your new path -- isn't it?
Eve looks away uncomfortably as the three women stop their horses in front of the porch. Horace runs out of the house barking merrily.
GABRIELLE (jumps off her horse): Hi, Horace! (She pets the dog, who happily wags his tail and licks her hands)
Inside the house, Ares is sitting at the kitchen table, restlessly twirling the dagger in his hand. He looks haggard; it's obvious that he hasn't had much sleep. Hearing the dog's yelps and the women's voices outside, he looks up somberly and, after a brief hesitation, slips the dagger inside the leather vest he's now wearing. Then, he walks outside.
ARES (with forced joviality): Well, look who's here!
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The great hall on Mount Olympus. There are still-visible traces of the destruction wrought by Xena's battle with the gods -- some broken columns piled on the floor, pieces of smashed statues and plates still lying in some corners -- as well as subtler signs of decline: a wilted flower here, a torn drape or a chipped vase there, dust on some surfaces, cobwebs under the ceiling. The throne that once belonged to Zeus and then to Athena is now occupied by Apollo. He has a "surveillance mirror" in front of him and is watching what's happening at the farmhouse, while enjoying the attentions of three scantily clad young women -- three of the nine muses. Calliope, the goddess of epic poetry, with some scrolls at her belt, is balanced on his left knee; Euterpe, the goddess of music, abundantly decked out in costume jewelry shaped like musical instruments, on the right; Terpsichore, the goddess of dance, in a tutu and ballet shoes, clings to him from behind with her arms around his neck. Other still-living gods and goddesses are standing around the throne trying to catch a glimpse in the mirror. Only Aphrodite, visibly sulking, is off to the side by herself.
TERPSICHORE (nibbling on Apollo's ear): So, you think he'll do it?
APOLLO (smiles nastily): We'll see. He wants his godhood back, that's for sure. But she's still got him wrapped around her little finger.
APHRODITE (sniffling): I think it's so romantic ... he's totally in love with her... this is so not fair!
APOLLO: Hey, sis. We need Eve and Xena dead by mortal hands in a week and, frankly, I don't care how it's done. This is the easiest way. But if it involves some serious pain for our dear brother -- considering what he's done to this family -- I'll take that as a bonus. (The muses giggle.) Although I must confess, I kinda like the backup plan. A little complicated but delicious. (Laughs gleefully) But if you don't like it -- what was it Athena said to you once? -- don't watch.
Aphrodite wanders off, pouting. Apollo rises from his seat, shaking the clingy muses off him, and motions to his aunt Hestia, the maiden goddess of the hearth -- a prim-looking, schoolmarmish woman in severely tailored clothes, her hair gathered in a bun.
APOLLO: I think you should have that little chat with Sis, Aunt Hestia. We don't need any surprises this time.
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Aphrodite's quarters on Olympus. Everything is luxurious and beautiful, and yet beginning to acquire the same slight patina of shabbiness as the rest of the place. Aphrodite sits on her throne, listlessly fingering some jewelry and dabbing at her eyes. Hestia appears next to her.
APHRODITE (sadly): Hi, Auntie Hestia...
HESTIA (pats her on the shoulder): There, there. You know, we can't afford to be sentimental about this. Of course, telling you not to be sentimental is as useless as telling you not to dress like a slut, dear, but try using your head for once. This is serious. You know we're losing our powers. Yesterday, I had an emergency in one of my temples and I had to try three times before I could get down there.
APHRODITE: What kind of emergency?
HESTIA (stiffly, pursing her lips): One of my virgin priestesses was about to - shall we say, disqualify herself with some revoltingly handsome young rogue of a shepherd. And on the steps of the temple, no less. (Aphrodite snickers) It's not something you'd understand, but some of us here actually care about morals.
APHRODITE (sniffling): Well, I care about Ares... I don't want him to get hurt anymore.
HESTIA. Oh ... now, now ... such a good little heart. (She reaches out to hug Aphrodite and, in a quick motion, wraps the chains of Hephaestus around her.)
APHRODITE (squeals): What are you doing?
HESTIA: Courtesy of your late husband, dear. Who, may I remind you, died at the hands of the woman you'd like us to spare. I am sorry, but we just can't afford to have any security lapses this time, and you're a security lapse waiting to happen. (She fastens the chains to Aphrodite's throne.) There. This should hold you in place until it's all over. (Strides out)
APHRODITE (struggles uselessly): This is so not funny!
APOLLO (appears next to her): It isn't? Personally, I think it's a hoot. Anytime you get bored, check out this nice romance.
He puts a "surveillance mirror" in front of her with a nasty laugh and starts to dematerialize. It doesn't work, and the gleeful smirk on his face turns to an enraged grimace. Aphrodite looks at him worriedly. Apollo tries again and, this time, vanishes. Reluctantly, Aphrodite looks into the mirror and sees the farmhouse.
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Late afternoon. Xena and Gabrielle are making a fire in the kitchen stove. Ares comes in and throws two slaughtered chickens down on the table.
XENA (looks up with a smile): I see you've finally gotten the hang of waging war on chickens.
ARES: Yeah, it's almost as much fun as the real thing. (His sarcasm has an undertone of real bitterness, and Xena gives him a slightly startled look.)
GABRIELLE: Well, dinner should be ready soon. Eve's gone off to fetch water from the well.
ARES: She has? (The wheels are obviously turning in his head.) Oh. There's some more stuff I need to get from the barn.
XENA: What stuff?
Ares walks out briskly without saying anything. Xena looks after him, a little puzzled.
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Eve is lowering the bucket into the well (which is hidden from the farmhouse by some trees) when she hears steps behind her. She turns her head, sees Ares coming up, and turns away.
EVE: What are you doing here?
ARES: Just wanted to see if you needed help.
EVE: I don't.
ARES (stands behind her): You don't like me much, do you.
EVE (with her back to him, bending over the well): What do you expect? You turned me into a monster.
ARES: Cut the crap. I've never made anyone do anything they didn't want to do. Oh, I may have nudged them in a certain direction, but the final choice was always up to them. Just ask Mom.
EVE (tugs furiously at the now-filled bucket): Thanks for reminding me. First you torment my mother for years ... then you carry on with me while you're head over heels in love with her. (Sighs) OK, I'm sorry I brought it up. I shouldn't -- dwell on those things. We'll be in the same house for a couple of days and we can try to act -- civilized. (In her upset state, she lets go of the bucket and it tumbles down with a clang.)
ARES (reaching inside his vest): Civilized? Oh, that's rich. You think I like you? (In a high, whiny voice, mimicking her) "You turned me into a monster." (In his normal voice) Well, you turned me into a mortal. Gee, I don't know how to thank you.
He stands behind her, his hand inside his vest, a look of grim determination on his face.
EVE (turns around): Look, now that you're here, are you at least going to help me or what?
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Back at the house, Xena is feeding the horses when she hears Eve's piercing scream coming from the direction of the well.
XENA (stands up): Eve?!
She races toward the well. Gabrielle, too, comes running out of the house. Ares is coming toward them, carrying Eve.
XENA (yells): What are you doing to my daughter?
Ares comes closer and puts down Eve, who is unharmed but balances on one foot, reluctantly leaning on Ares's arm.
ARES (angrily): What am I doing to your daughter? She managed to trip on some piece of rock and twist an ankle. (To Eve) The path of love hasn't exactly done wonders for your brains, you know. (To Xena, rather roughly pushing Eve toward her) Here, take your offspring off my hands. I'm going to fetch the water.
XENA (holds up Eve, looking embarrassed by her outburst): Ares -- I'm -- I'm sorry. What were you doing out there anyway? I thought you were getting something from the barn.
ARES (avoiding her eyes): I thought I'd give her a hand with the water. What, this is my fault now? (He strides off toward the well. Xena looks after him, frowning.)
GABRIELLE: What's he so upset about? Did you say something to him?
EVE (wincing): Well ... we kind of had an argument. I'm sorry.
XENA: Come on. We'll look at that ankle of yours.
They go back to the house, Eve hopping on one foot and leaning on Xena's and Gabrielle's shoulders.
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The sun has set. Xena comes out of the house, looking around, and sees Ares sitting by the barn alone.
XENA (comes up to him): Hey. Dinner's ready. (She reaches out to touch his arm but he swats her hand away.)
ARES: I'm not hungry.
XENA (sits down next to him): Ares, are you all right? You don't look too good.
ARES (looking away from her): Am I all right? (Chuckles bitterly) Xena -- last time when you were leaving, you told me you'd come and visit me. You think there was some other reason I'd stay in this rathole? I don't hear from you for months. Then you come back when you need a place to crash for a couple of nights, and you not only bring your pal, you've also got that wretched kid of yours tagging along. And I used to think Gabrielle was irritating.
XENA (softly): I thought you'd be happy to see me.
ARES: You want me to tell you one more time how I feel about you? So you can have a good laugh about it with the girls? Sorry. Comedy hour's over.
XENA: What's gotten into you? (She smiles, trying to defuse the tension with a joke) Are you sure there isn't a Fury or two left hopping around in there? (Touches his forehead)
ARES (jerks his head away): Will you get your hands off me?
XENA: Is it something Eve said?
ARES: Don't talk to me about Eve.
XENA (rising): Ares... do you want us to leave?
ARES: Dammit, it's your house. Do whatever you want. Just don't expect me to be a good sport.
Xena gives him a worried, sympathetic look and walks back to the house.
Inside the house, Xena sits down at the table with Gabrielle and Eve.
GABRIELLE: Well, where is he?
XENA: He's not coming. (Shrugs) He's been acting really weird.
EVE: I told you we shouldn't have come here.
XENA: We're getting out first thing tomorrow. (Sighs) I think I'll have to come back and check up on him in a few days, though. Let's eat.
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Night. Ares is creeping through the dark house, trying not to make any noise. He enters Xena's childhood bedroom where Xena, Eve (in the middle) and Gabrielle are sound asleep on the large bed. With Apollo's dagger in his hand, he kneels by the side of the bed and looks at the sleeping women for a few seconds. His face is cold, grim and implacable.
With one swift, brutal move, he slashes Eve's neck. Her hands go up instinctively to her throat but she can't scream or make any sound except a soft gurgle.
Xena is still asleep, breathing evenly. Ares leans over her and kisses her on the lips. She opens her eyes and suddenly smiles at him -- at the very moment that he stabs her in the heart. The look on her face changes to one of shock and pain as she gasps for breath, choking. Then she lies very still, her blue eyes still wide open and staring at him.
Dropping the dagger, Ares picks up her lifeless body and cradles her in his arms, his face full of agony.
ARES (desperately): Xena -- Xena!
.... With a start, Ares sits up in his bed, awakening from the nightmare.
ARES (gasps): Xena! (He looks around, breathing hard and wiping the sweat off his face, then mutters to himself) Oh, great... Who am I kidding?
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Just like in the dream, Ares creeps silently through the dark house and enters the bedroom where the three women are sleeping. He kneels by the edge of the bed next to Xena and looks forlornly at her face. Suddenly, she opens her eyes.
XENA (in an angry whisper): Ares? Are you completely out of your mind?
ARES (presses a finger to his lips): Shhhh. It's not what you think. Get up. I need to speak to you -- now.
He walks out. Xena stares after him and then gets out of bed.
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Xena comes out into the main room, wearing a shift and a shawl wrapped around her shoulders. Ares is waiting for her.
XENA (rubbing her eyes): Alright, what's going on?
ARES: Xena, you have to get out of here and go somewhere safe. You're in danger. You and -- all of you.
XENA: Danger? What are you talking about?
ARES: The gods. They're after you again.
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Aphrodite's quarters on Olympus. Still chained, Aphrodite is watching Ares and Xena in the mirror, smiling blissfully through tears.
APHRODITE (sighs happily): He loves her.
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Back at the farmhouse, Xena is pacing anxiously back and forth while Ares sits in a chair, staring at his feet.
XENA: And how do you know about all this? Why would the gods suddenly take you into their confidence?
ARES (after a pause, still looking down): Because they wanted me to do it.
XENA (stops abruptly): What???
ARES: Apollo was here. He offered me my godhood back if I killed you and Eve.
XENA (comes up to him): And what did you say?
ARES: I told him I'd think about it. Here, take this. (He takes the dagger out of his vest and hands it to her)
XENA: Oh. (Sarcastically) Beautiful workmanship. And, just out of curiosity - did you think about it?
ARES (looks up at her): Well -- I could tell you I just pretended to go along so I could warn you. But you know what, I don't want to lie to you. Yeah, I thought about it. In fact, back there at the well... I don't know what would have happened if she hadn't twisted her ankle and screamed like a stuck pig. (The color drains from Xena's face) Xena, do you even have an idea what it was like for me to lose my godhood? Imagine waking up one day and you can barely move your arms or legs anymore, and you've got a hundred aches and pains in every bone and muscle that you've never had before. What would you do to go back to the way you were? There was one thing that could have made it bearable for me and -- (he looks away, his voice breaking off).
XENA (softly): Ares...
ARES: Look, just because I'm not the god of war anymore doesn't make me, all of a sudden, a nice guy. Might makes right, even when it's wrong... I said that to Gabrielle once, a long time ago. (Chuckles bitterly at the memory) That hasn't changed for me -- at least I don't think it has. (He rubs his forehead, as if trying to
wake up from a dream) Except for one thing... (looks at her)
XENA: So that's why you were acting like that.
ARES: I thought I could work myself up to hate you. (Sighs deeply) You can see how well that worked.
Impulsively, Xena leans over and takes Ares in her arms, pressing her lips to the top of his head. He puts his arms around her waist and buries his face in her shoulder.
In a puff of golden smoke and a flash of light, Apollo appears.
APOLLO: Sorry to interrupt such a tender moment. Brother -- I wish I could say that you're an even bigger idiot than I thought, but frankly I more or less expected something like this.
XENA (whirls around and points the dagger at him): You want a taste of this, Apollo? Don't forget, I can still kill gods.
APOLLO (laughing): Not so fast, Xena. First, you might want to go back to the bedroom and check up on someone you love.
XENA (turning pale): You can't lay a hand on her. Your oracle said so.
APOLLO: Oh yes -- your daughter. The oracle didn't say anything about your friend.
XENA (screams): Gabrielle! (She rushes to the bedroom)
APOLLO: As you might have guessed, Ares, there's a plan B. And guess what, you have a role in it too. Now, the fun begins.
He knocks Ares out with a jolt of energy and tries to disappear with him. But the golden flare sputters out several times.
APOLLO (grinds his teeth with frustration): Aunt Hestia!
Hestia materializes.
HESTIA (businesslike): All right, let's do it.
Together, they disappear with the unconscious Ares.
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Ares opens his eyes in a dimly lit dungeon. Gabrielle is bending anxiously over him.
GABRIELLE: Ares? Ares? What is going on?
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Morning at the farmhouse. Eve, her ankle bandaged, sits by the hearth. Xena paces restlessly back and forth. In a flash of light, Apollo appears.
XENA (stares at him, her eyes narrowing): All right, you've made your point. Now what?
APOLLO: Oh, it's very simple, Xena. I think you know what we want. You and your daughter have four days to surrender to my priests at the temple in Delphi. I promise you it's going to be quick and easy.
XENA: And if we don't, you're going to kill Gabrielle and Ares.
APOLLO: Kill? Eventually. But there won't be anything quick or easy about it. (Xena clenches her fists) Poor little Gabrielle. A pretty girl like that -- ahhhhh, so much fun for my warriors. And that lovesick fool Ares -- he'll have a chance to find out just how much pain a mortal body can take before it dies. An ironic way to go for someone who used to be a god, don't you think?
XENA: You sadistic bastard.
APOLLO: Awwww. Sticks and stones will break my bones (snickers) -- well, usually not, except in your hands I suppose -- but names will never hurt me.
XENA: How do I know you haven't killed them already?
Apollo snaps his fingers and produces a mirror which he places before Xena. She sees Gabrielle and Ares in the dungeon, each chained to the wall with long chains attached to one wrist and one ankle.
XENA (sighs and turns away): How do I know you won't harm them if Eve and I sacrifice ourselves?
APOLLO: My word as a god.
XENA: You've got to be kidding. You bring them to the temple and release them in my presence.
APOLLO: Very well. But no tricks, Xena. Try to free them and you're all dead.
A long pause.
XENA (with resignation): Give us an extra two days. We need to say good-bye to some people.
APOLLO: That's cutting it close. One extra day. Be at my temple in Delphi in five days -- unarmed. (He starts to disappear.) Oh, and Xena? Do yourself a favor and do not insult our intelligence with any more fake suicides. We find any bodies that look dead, we have them burned first and ask questions later. (He has some difficulty disappearing but succeeds on the second try)
XENA (stares thoughtfully at the spot where he vanished): Their powers really are weakening.
EVE (looks at Xena): Mother... if I have to die, please don't feel too badly about it. Whenever I meet my death, it will be a just punishment for my crimes. I just wish you didn't have to suffer because of me...
XENA: Hush, baby. Hush. (Hugs her.)
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The dungeon.
GABRIELLE: Ares, I know Xena. I bet she's working on a plan to get us out of here.
ARES: Well, she's got one thing going for her. They can't kill her and she can kill them.
He is leaning against the stone wall, his eyes closed. In his mind, he is replaying the embrace he shared with Xena just before Apollo appeared.
GABRIELLE: What are you thinking about?
ARES: How nice it would be to have you gagged.
GABRIELLE (smiles weakly): You looked -- really happy there, for a moment.
ARES: Guess I've always had a thing for dungeons and chains.
Silence.
GABRIELLE: Ares? If we don't get out of this alive, I just wanted to tell you -- I'm glad I got to know you as ... (a little hesitantly) a friend.
ARES: Oh please. Number one, we're not friends. Number two, can we not have my funeral service just yet?
Apollo appears.
APOLLO: What a cozy scene. My brother, the former -- very former - god of war. And the famous Battling Bard. By the way, did you know that I am the patron god of bards?
GABRIELLE: You know, I used to pray to you. If only I'd known how cruel and malicious you were, I'd rather have become a -- a -- a barmaid in a cheap tavern.
APOLLO (laughing): A feisty one! Well, you may still have time for a career change.
ARES: Skip the chit-chat. What's going on?
APOLLO: I told you. Plan B.
ARES: Let me guess. You told Xena that you're going to kill us unless she delivers herself and Eve like lambs to the slaughter.
APOLLO: Well, "lamb" isn't the word that comes to mind when describing your lady friend, but the "slaughter" part -- that, I'm afraid, is remarkably correct. Five days from now, they are to give themselves up to my priests at Delphi. Think she'll do it? I think she will, after the vivid description I gave her of the fate worse than death that awaits you two otherwise. (Pause) What, no wisecrack? I'm disappointed.
ARES (slowly): Have you considered the possibility that maybe the prophecy is wrong? That you won't regain your powers after all?
APOLLO (gasps in mock horror): And we will have killed these two poor women for nothing? Oh, the horror -- the horror! I think we'll take our chances, Ares. You, on the other hand, have already blown yours.
GABRIELLE: At least Ares has something you'll never have.
APOLLO: And what could that be, little girl? Oh, wait, wait, let me guess (he presses his hand to his chest and scrunches up his face in mock sentiment) - a heart.
GABRIELLE: He loves someone. All you care about is your own power.
APOLLO (claps his hands): Well, you do learn something new every day. Ares, just think of the good laugh you would have had a few years ago if you could imagine someone saying that. (He laughs until he has to wipe tears from his eyes.) Well, I'd better move along before you two make me cry. (Vanishes.)
ARES (looking away grimly): Gabrielle? When I want you as a character witness, you'll be the first to know.
GABRIELLE: Ares, do you think I could have ever believed that I'd say such a thing? But it's true, isn't it?
ARES (bitterly): Hey. In case you haven't noticed, I don't make a very good poster boy for all that touchy-feely stuff you hold so dear to your fuzzy little heart. I had a pretty good thing going, ya know. I coulda had it going for -- who knows for how long. Maybe you think that "deep down" (makes quote marks in the air with his
fingers), it was a cold, empty, lonely existence? Oh no. I was having fun, believe you me. (His eyes sparkle at the memory.) War, women, war, worshipers ... did I mention war? And then -- whammo. (He slams his fist into his palm.) Love. I didn't ask for it. So far, it's brought me about as much joy as you'll find on a good day in Tartarus. And I got news for you -- things aren't exactly looking up.
GABRIELLE: Can you answer me one question, from the heart? (He glares at her.) I mean -- honestly, no jokes, no games? If you could go back right now and change things so that you'd never, ever had those feelings -- would you?
Ares looks at her absently as memories go through his mind.
... The moment when he gazed at the seemingly dead Xena in her ice coffin, kissed her cold lips and said "I love you, Xena" (the end of "Looking Death in the Eye")...
... The moment after he had given up his godhood to heal Gabrielle and Eve, when Xena looked at him for the first time with tenderness in her eyes and said "Thank you," and he nodded quietly, overwhelmed with emotion (the end of "Motherhood")...
... The moment, after his possession by the Furies, when she touched his bruised face and kissed him (the end of "Coming Home")...
... Finally, the moment at the farm the previous night when she held him in her arms.
He looks away and says nothing. Gabrielle smiles wistfully.
GABRIELLE: You know what they say -- it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
ARES (rolls his eyes): And who are "they"? A bunch of starry-eyed airheads like you and my ditzy sister?
GABRIELLE (her face brightening): Hey -- Aphrodite! Maybe she'll help us.
ARES (shakes his head): Maybe she doesn't want to end up like me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The temple at Delphi. Everything looks ready for a solemn ceremony, with torches lit, incense smoking, and the priests and priestesses of Apollo standing in a semicircle. Apollo is sitting on a throne of gold, in front of a giant statue of himself. A man and a woman in black robes with hoods, each wielding a dagger, stand by an altar.
Four muses appear out of the air, bringing with them Gabrielle and Ares.
APOLLO: Ah! Welcome, welcome. I wouldn't have you miss this for the world.
ARES (to the muses): I thought you girls were into the arts and all that.
EUTERPE: Well, somebody has to do the dirty work now that Discord and Deimos are gone.
CALLIOPE: You know what's wonderful? You never know when tragic losses are merely an opportunity to develop a whole new side of yourself.
Ares and Gabrielle are handed over to the priests while the muses flock to Apollo's throne and sit at his feet.
A PRIEST (standing at the door): They are coming, my lord!
Outside, Xena and Eve are walking up the path that leads to the temple. Xena is wearing a dress, not her leathers, and apparently unarmed.
The priests and priestesses start a low, sinister chant. Apollo smiles while the muses giggle. Ares and Gabrielle exchange nervous glances.
Xena and Eve enter the temple.
APOLLO: Stop right there. Search them.
Two priestesses approach and thoroughly pat down the women.
PRIESTESS: They're not armed, my lord Apollo.
ARES (whispers to Gabrielle): So where's that plan you keep telling me about?
Xena and Eve approach the throne.
XENA: Apollo, my daughter and I are here to meet your terms.
EVE: Our deaths will only prove the greatness of the Way of Love. It's for the love of others that my mother and I give up our lives.
XENA (scornfully): You may think you win today, but you win nothing.
APOLLO: Oh, I'll be the judge of that. Are you quite done with the speeches?
GABRIELLE (desperately): Xena! Eve! You can't do this!
ARES: Xena! No!
They struggle vainly against the priests who are holding them.
XENA: Ares -- Gabrielle -- don't. I've made my peace with what I'm about to do, and so has Eve. There is no other way. (To Apollo) We would like to say good-bye to our friends.
APOLLO (motions toward Gabrielle and Ares): Make it snappy.
Xena waves at the priests with a gesture so imperious that they let go of the hostages and step back a little.
XENA (hugs Gabrielle and kisses her tear-stained face): Gabrielle. The bastards can kill me but they can never kill my love for you.
GABRIELLE (closes her eyes): Xena... I wish you'd let me die with you.
XENA: No, Gabrielle. You have to live for both of us now. (She whispers something in Gabrielle's ear)
While Eve goes over to embrace Gabrielle, Xena approaches Ares. He looks at her, his lips quivering, tears welling in his eyes.
ARES: Xena -- I can't take this.
XENA (hugs him): Ares... I'm sorry it had to happen this way. (Kisses him) I do care about you ... more than I ever let you know. (She leans very close to his ear and whispers) In about ten seconds, prepare to run.
Ares darts a hopeful look at her. Xena lingers a few moments longer with her arms around him, then steps back.
XENA: All right -- I'm ready.
Suddenly, the temple is rocked by explosions, and two pieces of the wall are blown off. In the confusion that ensues, Xena, Eve, Gabrielle and Ares grab swords from four of the priests.
XENA: This way! (Points the sword toward one of the openings in the wall.)
Easily overcoming the resistance offered by the priests, the four make their way to the opening in the wall, get out of the temple and run toward a nearby grove.
There is a rustling in the trees, and within moments, dozens of Apollo's warriors emerge and close ranks in front of them. Xena and the others are staring at a forest of swords, spears, and bows and arrows. More warriors emerge on their flanks. They are surrounded.
A PRIEST: Back in the temple. Now.
Xena lowers her sword, her shoulders sagging, a look of utter defeat on her face. Eve remains stoical; Ares and Gabrielle look incredulously at Xena. The four are quickly disarmed, dragged back into the temple, and pushed down on their knees before Apollo's throne.
APOLLO (applauds sneeringly): Bravo, Xena. We knew you'd come up with some plan to try to outsmart us, but this time around we were ready for you. (To the executioners, who have now donned their hoods) Proceed with the sacrifice.
The priests drag Xena and Eve toward the altar.
XENA: Stop. We'll go ourselves. (To Apollo) Allow us to spend our last few moments on this earth without the hands of your slaves on us.
Apollo nods and the priests release them. Holding hands, Xena and Eve walk slowly toward the altar. The chanting begins again.
XENA (turns around): Gabrielle... Ares... I'm sorry.
GABRIELLE (struggling): Xena!
Xena and Eve lie down on the altar.
The executioners raise their daggers and repeatedly bring them down, stabbing the women in the chest. Xena and Eve gasp and convulse briefly, then lie still. The executioners hold up the daggers, dripping with blood, displaying them for all to see. Gabrielle is choking with tears.
ARES (roars like a wounded animal): Xenaaaaaaaa!
MALE EXECUTIONER: The infidels are dead, my lord Apollo.
APOLLO (rises from the throne, raising his arms in a sweeping gesture): It is finished. The Olympian gods who died are avenged, and those who live shall be restored to their full glory ... except for some (smirks at Ares, then turns to the priests). Burn the bodies. Oh, and (motioning toward Gabrielle and Ares) kill them. I was going to say "burn them alive," but I'm in an unusually good mood.
XENA (off-camera): Sorry to ruin it for ya.
Even as she speaks, a dagger -- the one Apollo gave Ares -- swishes through the air and plunges into Apollo's chest. He gasps and doubles over, clutching at his chest, his face distorted with shock, pain, and rage.
Xena and Eve are sitting up on the altar -- the fronts of their dresses spattered with blood, but both very much alive and well.
XENA (stares coldly into Apollo's dying eyes): That wasn't the plan, Apollo. That was just a distraction.
Apollo collapses, and the temple begins to quake. Xena and Eve jump off the altar, swords in hand. The two "executioners" throw off their hoods. They are Virgil and Sarah, Gabrielle's niece. In the confusion and panic, Ares and Gabrielle manage to grab some weapons. The six of them run out through the temple doors and race down a side path.
ARES (recovering from shock): This was your plan all along?
XENA: I knew we wouldn't be able to get out of the temple that easily. But while everyone's attention was on us trying to escape, Virgil and Sarah were able to sneak in and make sure that the executioners wouldn't be available to do their job.
VIRGIL: Of course, the black robes made it easy.
XENA: The Olympians always did love this pompous ceremonial stuff -- big mistake. (To Eve) Is your foot all right with all this running?
EVE: I'm doing fine.
GABRIELLE: Sarah, I can't believe you did that! But what about the daggers, the blood ...?
VIRGIL: I borrowed some stage props from a friend of mine who works in the theater.
XENA: You know what they say -- it's not what you know, it's who you know... Look, this is no time for explanations -- this way!
They catch up with a young man, a friend of Virgil's, who is waiting for them with six horses hidden behind some trees.
GABRIELLE (beaming, to Ares): I told you she'd have a plan!
They mount the horses.
ARES (to Xena): And you say I'm bad for you! I think if I hang around you much longer, you'll give me a heart attack.
At that very moment, he gasps and slumps forward in the saddle. A few arrows shot by the temple warrior’s whiz by, and one of them has hit Ares in the side.
He would have fallen off the horse but Xena quickly pulls herself up in the saddle, leaps from her horse onto his, and holds him steady as the group gallops away.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A clearing in the woods. Xena (with Ares slumped against her), Gabrielle and Eve
slow down to a halt.
XENA: Okay, we've lost them.
GABRIELLE: I just hope Virgil and Sarah are all right. (To Xena, anxiously) How is
he?
XENA: Ares? Can you hear me?
ARES (coughs): I take back what I said about the heart attack.
XENA (trying to sound casual): Alright, let's take a look at that. (She dismounts and, with Gabrielle's assistance, helps Ares off the horse.) Eve, there should be a blanket in that saddlebag.
Eve gets out the blanket and spreads it on the ground and steps aside, occasionally glancing at the wounded Ares with a mix of concern, animosity and nervousness. Xena and Gabrielle help Ares lie down; Xena takes off his vest.
GABRIELLE: It's not one of those poisoned arrows, is it?
XENA: I don't know. I'll have to get it out -- Ares, this is going to hurt quite a bit.
ARES: What a surprise. (He coughs again; some blood trickles down the side of his mouth)
XENA: Bandages. Get me bandages -- and some ointment. Now.
Gabrielle hands her a jar of ointment and some pieces of cloth. As Xena pulls out the arrow, Ares groans and blood gushes from the wound. Xena quickly applies the ointment and, with Gabrielle's help, ties a bandage tightly around his chest. It is almost instantly soaked in blood.
ARES (struggling for breath): Xena... this is it ... isn't it.
XENA (trying to stop the bleeding): No, dammit... no -- no -- no --
ARES (reaches up to touch her face): Can you forgive me for ... (coughs) everything?
XENA: Ares -- shut up. We'll have plenty of time to talk about that later.
ARES (speaks with difficulty): You know ... you used to be ... a much better liar.
XENA: I'm not gonna let you die. Here --
She brings a flask of water to his mouth. He takes a few sips as a violent cough racks his body.
ARES (hoarsely, clutching her hand): Did you mean what ... you said back there ... at the temple?
XENA: What?
ARES: That you care about me ... more than you ever let me know.
Xena leans toward him, tears welling in her eyes. Gabrielle, weeping quietly, turns away. Xena gives Ares a long, tender kiss.
XENA: Ares... I'm so sorry...
ARES: Don't be. (He has another coughing fit, with more blood oozing from his mouth.) Xena ... I don't think I've ever told you properly... I love you.
XENA (in a whisper): I -- I love you -- Ares.
Gabrielle and Eve turn around, shocked.
ARES (manages a faint smile): Well... now... I know I'm a dead man.
XENA (choking back tears): Don't talk...
She cradles his head in her lap, stroking his face and wiping the blood from his mouth, and then bends down to kiss him again. His eyes are closed now, his breath coming in short, painful rasps that grow fainter and fainter.
XENA (whispers): Ares? ... Ares?
He squeezes her hand with a barely audible groan. Gabrielle moves closer and takes his other hand, stroking it gently.
A pink cloud forms next to them but fades, then reappears. Aphrodite materializes, tottering, and tumbles backward, falling on her behind.
APHRODITE (scrambles to her feet): Eeeeewwww, this is getting to be such a drag. (Looks around, fixing up her pink negligee and her hair.) Hi, everyone. Okay, okay -- let me handle this. (She kneels next to Ares and lays her hands on his wound; a glow starts to emanate from her fingers)
ARES (opens his eyes): Sis ... you're giving up your godhood?
APHRODITE (makes a face): Yeah... This godhood thing -- it is so last millennium. I figure none of us will have it much longer anyway, so at least I'll use it for, like (rolls her eyes) a good cause. I would have gotten here sooner but that old prune Aunt Hestia had me chained up for like a week... I was totally bugging! I finally got Cupie to set me loose. (The glow from her hands fizzles out) Oops.
ARES (lifts his head worriedly): Oops?
APHRODITE: I don't think it's done yet... but that's all I can manage (shakes her hands, wincing). Ooohh... bummer!
ARES: Well ... I think I'm all right.
XENA: Let me look. (rips off the bandages)
ARES: Ow. Maybe not.
XENA: It's not completely healed. It will hurt for a while and you'll have a scar, but the bleeding has stopped... you'll be fine.
Ares sits up, wincing a little. Gabrielle breathes a sigh of relief. Xena gets up, walks a few feet away and stands still, her forehead pressed against a tree, obviously trying to get a grip on her emotions. Eve stares at her mother and then turns to Ares.
EVE (with an obvious effort to suppress her hostility): I'm glad you're all right.
He looks up at her, lifting an eyebrow, and nods silently.
APHRODITE (gets up): Wow! I sense a lot of love in these woods.
She does a little shimmy trying to disappear, but she has no powers left. Ares watches her, with a low chuckle that has more sadness and sympathy than amusement in it.
ARES: Oh yeah... you'll keep doing that for a few weeks.
Aphrodite frowns, then gives a little sigh of resignation and smiles brightly, fixing up her hair.
APHRODITE: Hey! How about a little show of appreciation for the goddess of love?
ARES (winks at her): Former goddess of love.
GABRIELLE (hugs Aphrodite): Aphrodite... you're the best. (Teasingly) Don't worry. We'll give you some tips on mortal hygiene.
APHRODITE (pouting): You people... you are mean !
ARES: Come here, Sis. (She sits down next to him and he hugs her, patting her on the back.) Thanks.
Xena walks back toward Aphrodite and wordlessly squeezes her shoulder.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Evening, back at the farmhouse. Ares is resting in bed, his chest still bandaged, with Horace curled up at his feet. A knock on the door.
ARES: Yeah?
XENA (enters with a steaming bowl in her hands): Hey. How're ya feeling?
ARES: For somebody who should have been dead for four days -- surprisingly well.
XENA: Made you some chicken soup.
ARES (looks up): YOU made it? I see you're determined to kill me off one way or another.
XENA (grins): Yeah, yeah, yeah... Here ya go.
He sits up and starts eating. Xena sits down next to him, rather unceremoniously tossing the dog off the bed.
XENA: Well, I don't think the gods will be bothering us anymore. Their followers are having some serious problems with morale now that Apollo's gone. I hear Hestia's high priestess was seen around town the other day hanging all over some fellow she was calling "Big Boy."
ARES (chuckles, then turns reflective): You know, it's funny. Up until the other day, I never really believed I'd lost my godhood for good. In fact, I kinda kept thinking you'd help me get it back.
XENA (teasingly): Why on earth would I do a thing like that?
ARES: Oh -- for old times' sake... You did once, you know -- when Sisyphus stole my sword. (Xena gives him a strange look) What?
XENA (shakes her head, as if trying to get rid of an unpleasant thought): Nothing... Twice, actually. Gabrielle's enchanted scroll -- remember?
They laugh.
ARES: Well. This time, it's really over.
XENA: Like your sister said -- godhood ... it's so last millennium.
ARES (putting aside the empty bowl): How is my sister?
XENA: Taking a bath.
ARES: Oh. (Chuckles)
XENA: It's nice that she'll be staying here with you now. The place could use a woman's touch.
ARES: Yeah, that's Aphrodite all right. I can just see her making those lacy little things, what do you call them? (After a pause, he takes her hand) Speaking of a woman's touch -- (Xena stares down.) What you said back there in the woods...
XENA: What?
ARES: You know what you said. Was that just something to make a washed-up, dying ex-god feel better ... or did you mean it?
Xena turns and stares at Ares as he looks at her both hopefully and nervously. She takes his face in her hands and presses her lips to his cheek. He blinks hard and looks away, choking up a little as he braces himself for another friendly rejection. Just then, Xena kisses him on the mouth -- an unmistakably "real" kiss, full of
passion and tenderness. Without breaking the kiss, she gently pushes him back on the bed. He puts his arms around her somewhat gingerly, still uncertain how far she wants to go. A few moments later, she disengages from his embrace and stands up. The disappointed look on his face changes to one of incredulous joy when she lets her dress slip to the floor. Ares stares at her, his lips parted, his breathing growing labored. As she leans toward him, he puts his hands on her shoulders, stopping her for a moment.
ARES: Xena -- are you just trying to be nice to me? Out of pity or something?
XENA (shakes her head, smiling): No, that was the chicken soup. I'm trying to make love to you, do you mind?
ARES (grins): I don't believe I do.
He pulls her toward him and they kiss passionately.
---------------------------------------------------------
The next day. It's noon. Xena is sitting by the barn, in a pensive mood, sucking on a blade of grass. Ares comes out of the house, approaches and sits next to Xena, putting an arm around her shoulder.
ARES (kisses her): Hello there.
XENA (softly): Hello.
ARES (grinning): Well ... you really are determined to kill me off one way or another.
Xena smiles and strokes his hair. He stretches out on the grass, resting his head in her lap.
XENA: Ares. Listen. You know I can't stay with you here. Gabrielle is due back tomorrow and then we're going ... and you're not.
ARES (after a pause): Yeah, I saw that one coming. Mind telling me why? (He sits up.)
XENA (sighs): Ares ... I always felt something for you, even back when I thought of you as my worst enemy. And after everything that's happened between us in the past year... (trails off) When you were about to die, I knew it would be like -- losing part of myself. But for us to be really together -- Ares, I'm not sure I'm ever going to be that way with anyone. It's funny, all these years it's been me and Gabrielle ... and in a way, I can't imagine that changing.
ARES (squinting at her): Wait, wait -- what are you trying to tell me here? It's been you and Gabrielle what?
XENA (smiles): Oh Ares... the bond she and I have, it's so much beyond whatever you're thinking.
ARES (sounding a little miffed): So, three's a crowd.
XENA: It isn't just that. Ares, you and me (shaking her head) -- there's way too much baggage.
ARES (looks down): I've done things you can never forgive.
XENA (gently touches his face): Forgive -- yes. I think I forgave them a year ago, when you did what you did for Gabrielle and Eve. But I don't know if I can forget. If we were always together, there'd be times when I'd look at you and some of it would come back to haunt me. Remember last night, you reminded me of how I helped get your sword back from Sisyphus?
ARES: Yeah?
XENA: Well ... (an ironic smile touches her lips) ... do you remember what I was wearing at the time?
ARES (closes his eyes and groans): Callisto ... the body switch. (He furiously punches himself in the forehead, again and again) Stupid -- stupid!
XENA (stops him): Don't you see, Ares -- things like that would just keep coming up. Last night I was able to get over it. But if it added up ... I could find myself hating you, eventually. And I don't want to, not again.
Ares nods quietly and they sit together in silence, leaning against each other.
XENA: Who knows, maybe someday -- (Her voice trails off. Then she smiles slyly, deliberately trying to break the mood which has become uncomfortably intense for her.) Besides, did you forget? If you hang around me much longer, I'm gonna give you a heart attack.
Ares glances at her and smiles.
ARES: Either that or food poisoning. And you'd always be trying to rope me into serving the greater good. Yecch. (Pretends to shudder with disgust)
---------------------------------------------
The main room at the farmhouse, a couple of days later. Aphrodite, still in her pink negligee, is sitting at the table in front of a mirror, with Gabrielle standing over her. The table is littered with little jars of makeup, facial cream and other beauty aids; Aphrodite is trying on lipstick.
APHRODITE: This is so totally not my color!
GABRIELLE: Well, you said that about the last fifteen...
APHRODITE (wipes the lipstick off and reaches for another jar): This mortality thing -- it's just crying out for a makeover.
Ares comes in and steps on some glass object on the floor, crushing it. Looking down and lifting his boot, he sees that it's one of Aphrodite's makeup jars. He casts a horrified glance at the stuff spread out on the table.
ARES (sighs, rolling his eyes): A woman's touch.
XENA (looks in): Ready, Gabrielle? I think five hours is enough for beauty tips.
GABRIELLE: Coming!
-----------------------------------------------
Outside, Xena and Gabrielle are about to leave. The horses are waiting with the saddlebags packed. Horace is running around, excited. Ares stands by the porch, following Xena with a wistful look. Aphrodite is hovering in the doorway.
XENA (aside to Gabrielle, glancing at Aphrodite): You should have gotten her some real clothes instead of all that junk.
GABRIELLE: Well, she gave me that shopping list... (sighs) She's going to take some time to adjust.
XENA: Unless she freezes to death first.
Gabrielle gets on her horse while Xena comes up to Ares.
XENA: I will definitely come visit you. (She plants a few short kisses on his face and lips, then pauses, as though struggling to get the words out) Ares, I meant what I said back there. I do love you.
They embrace and share a long kiss, while Aphrodite looks on smiling and Gabrielle seems to take an intense interest in a bird flying overhead.
ARES: About us together ... is it still a one-in-a billion thing?
XENA (smiles): Oh, I think you can lop two or three zeroes off that billion. (She lets go of him and starts to walk away, then looks back.) Maybe four or five.
Xena mounts her horse; she and Gabrielle wave to Aphrodite and Ares, and ride
off.
ARES (looking after them): Hmm... Maybe six or seven. (He does the calculations in his mind, writing in the air and striking out imaginary zeroes, then lifts his eyebrows and grins with a cautiously hopeful expression) Yeah ... not too bad.
THE END
Disclaimer: Ares almost bought the farm during the production of this motionpicture.
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