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What Do I Know About Loss?
By: Lasca
Rating: PG (language in later parts)
Spoilers: through the 5th
Distribution: Want, ask, take...I'll say yes :) Except for Illyandria-anything you like, you can go ahead and take! Just cause you have the coolest site!
Disclaimer: There not mine, don't bother suing, you won't get anything
This is a badfic that I just had on my mine and decided to get out before it drove me insane!
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Part I
Does she understand what she is fighting for? Does she truly understand what the twilight means-what it will bring about? Does she comprehend the true nature of it? Who really does know? The gods for one-we're not an insolent race that lives from day to day, denying that our reign will someday be challenged. No-we know that its inevitable...but we aren't passive beings. There is no way we would just accept the change...we will fight it, meet the rebellion head on and smother the flame. No way will we let this world be taken so easily from us.
This is our world, we have created it, we have watched, governed, and played our parts in ruling over it and its inhabitants for thousands of years on end. Longer than the oldest living mortal could ever dream of. We will not let it go easily.
We have given them everything. Fire, the ability to heal themselves, technology-as primitive as it is, it's impressive all the same. We have taught them to live-to survive. We have given them a reason to live their lives, in a 'virtueous' manner-although we all have our own ideas of virtue, I suppose-giving them the promise of salvation or eternal suffering in the underworld. We have allowed them to multiply to massive quantities when it would sooner fit our plans to obliterate them all. We have allowed them to warship whatever gods they like, whatever they choose to call us. We have even given our love and passion to choice few, allowed them to experience being with a god. Nothing satisfies the greedy creatures, though-they want more, and more, and more-like a newborn suckling his mother's tits dry, then leaving home in the next instant. Not that greedy is always a bad thing...I happen to enjoy greedy people-their smart. We have given them everything, and I mean everything, save the power we ourselves possess.
And what do we get in return? This is how we're paid? All this blasphemous shit the pathetic, puny mortals throw at us? They themselves don't know what they are speaking of. They're just willing sheep, ready to follow anyone into an obvious slaughter house-or maybe I should say slaughter-church.
And leading them...worst of all was that skiny idiot, Eli. All of his preachings of peace, love, life-he was a fool. But a dangerous fool nonetheless. I first sensed it a few moons back when I went to strike him, there was such a powerful force eminating from him. No. As if it was coursing through him.
Yeah. He was dangerous, alright. Religous fanatics usually are. Anyone who had the ability to convert a person's beliefs to his own, was.
I do owe him one thing though-he brought her back. Or at least played a part in bringing her back. A vessel of sorts. Albiet, he also brought back the annoying blonde. Yet, that could be overlooked.
I remember the incident clearly, in vived detail, as if it were yesterday. On closer speculation I realize it has been just a few months shy of a year since that time. I felt when her soul left this realm, I felt our connection sever with a violent snap. It was like hitting a brick wall. I actually felt physical pain as I realized she was dead...again. I should have been watching her. I regret it to this day that I wasn't able to save her from the pain and humiliation she had suffered at hands of the Romans.
She had always hated Romans, particularly Caesar. Judging from what he did to her I can't say I blame her. And although I was violently opposed to the idea, I couldn't help but feel sympathy for Caesar. No man in his right mind would willing do anything to get himself on the bad-side of this woman. Literally, once you do, you have hell to pay. Xena holds grudges, and she has amazing focus. When she sets her mind to killing someone, they generally end up dead. I know, I taught her that focus. But Caesar...I snicker...Caesar didn't understand that. The world is a wide, wide place-it needs control. And then...somebody comes along with a vision-conquering the world...Caesar could have pulled it off-if he hadn't overlooked one very important factor. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, is the saying, I believe. He had proved to be a worthy opponent for my princess-he was able to capture her twice, and actually kill her the second time. In the end though, she had the last laugh. He died along with her, only thing is-he didn't return-she did. She took the last scratch on their personal tab they had kept all those years, and barried it along with him. But her hatred for him is still alive and burning. Sometimes I think she would gladly give up her time left on Earth to go to Tartaraus and personaly see to Caesar's torture.
I remember racing immediatly down to the Underworld, interrupting Hades and Persephone in their chamber room, and rashly demanding to be informed where she had been placed.
Hades began sputtering out a chain of obsenities at me before calming as his wife, talking one soul-searching glance into my eyes, layed a comforting hand on his shoulder...effectively quieting him. Pity. By Zues, I hate pity, hate it with a passion! I am the God of War! I don't need or want pity!
He explains in a rational voice that neither she, nor the bard were sent to his domain.
I was gone before he finished the last word, dissaperaring in a flash of angry blue light.
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I materialized once again, this time in Artemis' temple. "ARTEMIS!" I raged, my voice thundered and the walls shook slightly under my angry words.
She appears upon her throne in a sparkle of silver, a beautiful vision of virginal majesticness. A lovely sight, she one of the most beautiful goddesses, second only to Aphrodite, was amazing to see, yet still her beauty was paled next to taht of my beautiful Warrior Princess. Xena had-has ability to dim any woman's beauty, she is lovelier than the goddess of love herself!
She really was the perfect woman. Dark, smart, witty, dangerous, beautilful...and a warrior to top it off. In all of my thousands of years, I had never felt this strongly about any woman. Xena seemed to glow with her own light that set her apart from any other in a room.
"So...for what do I owe this honour, Ares?" she drawled.
I spoke quickly, harshly, rushing the words together with haste. "Xena and her friend, are they in the Amazon Land of the Dead?" I noticed my voice had taken on a desperate tone. How pathetic. I was taken down to the lovesick puppy stage...but I accepted it, anything for her.
Artemis looked oddly at me and shook her head, sympathy filled her dark green eyes. "No, they didn't come to me. I-I dont know why, they were both Amazons...they should have-"
I interrupted her, enraged. "No, Xena is mine, the bard was yours, fine, I couldn't care less about her!"
The virgin goddess' own face lit up with anger. "She was my queen's champion, therefore she was an Amazon!"
"I have claimed her since the beginning-she is mine! And stop referring to her in the past tense. She's not dead...she'll be back." My fists clenched as I strained my words.
"Brother," Artemis consended, "She is dead-I am sorry. I know you loved her."
Before I could snap back my retort, a bubbly voice interrupted me. "Whoa, you two, chill out!"
I turn back to glare at my ditzy blonde half-sister. I know I shouldn't have taken out my anger on her, but its hard to break an eon-long habit.
"Dude! Feeling the good vibes in this room! Okay, whats up?" she asked airily as she glided into the room. "Ohh yuck!!" she cried, grimacing as she turned to face Artemis, she pointed to the alter. "Can't you clean that up? Do you like have any idea how totally gross all that blood is?" she squealed excitingly, wiggling her fingers at the offending animal entrails laying atop the stone slab, watching with glee as they transformed suddenly into beautiful boquet of flowers.
"Aphrodite!" Artemis warned threateningly.
"Alright, alright, calm down Arte-it just needed a little colour. You're almost as bad as our depressing bro here!" she exclaimed as her sister rolled her eyes.
"So, Ares...what are you so worked up about?" the love goddess inquired.
This was not exactly the best time for my sister's babbling, judging from the fact that I felt like shoving my boot through her teeth. Continuosly.
Gathering that I would not be answering her anytime soon, she repeated the question to the other goddess.
Artemis mouthed back, silently 'Xena', to which Aphrodite, not taking the hint, exclaimed suddenly. "Ohh, the warrior babe! Ohh my gosh, that's so sad! Ohhh! Poor baby!" she cried and reached for my arm, trying to pull me into a hug I guess. As comforting and consoling as she is trying to be, the last thing I wanted-as I said, ever want, was sympathy. I push her back violently, snarling wordlessly at her.
"Gosh, well if you're gonna act like that-" I cut her off too, simply leaving before she could finish, with her indignant cry of "MEN!" ringing in my ears.
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Part II
Those next days were the hardest I've endured in all of my thousands of years. Although in reality the entire ordeal spanned over only the length of a few days, in my world it may as well have been years. Never had I felt so lost, so deprived of my spirit and meaning.
I've known for years that I love her, but I never realized until then how much I really need her-not merely wanted, but needed her...she gives me my meaning, my completion.
I exerienced violent moodswings at first, and did things that would be considered violent even being me. My blood was boiling, raging with fury and hatred-the Romans suffered first. They of course also suffered the most of the inflictions I punished mankind with. After all, they were the ones responsible for her death.
It must have been confusing for them, having had the favor of 'Mars' for years, only to be suddenly cut off from my favor. Battles were lost, men were captured, enslaved and even killed. Did they realize the reason for the sudden misfortune they suffered from? Did they believe it was losing Caesar that caused it? To be honest I don't care-let them think what they want, I had my revenge.
After my immediate rage had burned off, I became frusturated-sexually, usually just being able to see, occasionaly fight and exchange verbal barbs was enough to please me. But with her absence my sex drive was in serious overdrive-my body craved, yearned for her. So like any man needing to release his aggressions. There was a sudden increase in the women I invited to my bed, all of them gorgeous black haired, blue eyed priestesses...I screwed them with all the aggression I had been harboring for Xena over the years since she left me. Women from all across Greece were enchanted, but frightened with the ferocity of which I ravished them with...yet still I was not sated.
I remember the last woman I had slept with, I didn't even ask her name, merely attacking her silently. Minutes into our session, before I had even climaxed I pushed her violently off me with a growl, sending her sprawling onto the floor with a cry. I snarled at her to leave before I lost my temper. She had backed out quickly, small tears of dissapointment and hurt rolling down her face. None of these women had come close to comparing to my warrior-not one. So instead I satisfied myself. Like a bloody teenager I got myself off, relying only on the distant memories of her. The way she had held me in her aching caverns, begging me to please her in small guttural moans. The way we had kissed, at times gentle and soothing, sometimes passionate and primal...
Then had come the depression, that had struck the hardest. I isolated myself from the outside world, seeking consolation in one of my temples and sending all the priests and priestess serving there away. I allowed no one in, not discord, not deimos...no-one. If Zues himself had requested access, I would have denied him the privalige. Thats how completely desolate and discouraged I was, as to the point where I would risk irking the wrath of the King of the Gods. Luckily, it didn't come to that.
And then I remember the day I first felt her presence re-entering this realm. I was sitting on the throne of the temple I had secluded myself to, brooding and staring into space when I was hit with the very essence of her, she filled my head like a beautiful song-Xena. I can not possibly explain the sensations of joy and happiness that overcame me in that moment. For the first time in a week, I was truly happy.
Like a school-boy I raced with all of the swiftness I possessed to the place that her aura was eminating most strongly from, a small fort on the skirts of Mount Amaro.
I stood off to the side, and watched as she opened her eyes for the first time...they were as beautiful as ever. She sat up suddenly, painfully inhaling her first breath into her dry and empty lungs. The sound made me wince.
Gabrielle awoke next to her and I felt a jolting pang of jealousy course through me as I watched them clasp their hands together and exchange loving glances.
It was at that time that I realized that something was wrong. I hadn't made my presence known yet, at least not to the others. Xena though-Xena seemed to have some strange way of sensing when I was near, one of her many skills-a bond left over from the years we had spent together, I'm sure.
I was assured as soon as I took one deep look into her eyes, She has the most incredible eyes you know. So deep, so focused, so steely, they were always the physical feature I enjoyed the most about her. She could relay any feeling, and thoughts through those crystal orbs...or she could hide anything she wanted-from anyone...but me. I could always see through that barrier she put up for everyone. Thats one mark I could hold. Not even the bard could read Xena like I could. I knew her inside and out.
Now she had a confused expression etched across her pale beautifyl face-imprinted into her eyes. She could feel me, I knew, her body was tensed and her muscles rigid, but finally it dawned on me that she didn't know what it was. She couldn't remember who it was that made her feel that way.
Even before I took another look into her eyes, I knew what was missing, I could feel it as strongly as I could feel her confusion. I realized what was missing-the bloodlust...her darkside. It was simply gone. Missing. It just wasn't there. Impossible, yeah I know! My mouth had dropped open silently in shock as my mind slowly processed the idea. It was unbelievable!
She looked so lost, so helpless...so, so out of place. My heart went out to her immediatly. Although the warrioress I loved was for the moment gone, but I still loved her with every part of my being. Thats when I knew that Xena was not some obsession I had, some phase I was merely going through. I the God of War, as impossible as that sounds, was in love. Truly in love, the head over heels kind of love.
"I still love you." I whispered silently, for her ears alone and watched as she frowned deeply, registering the words and their meaning as I slipped away.
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Part III
I shook my head violently, trying to throw off the memories as I begin to concentrate on the present. Eli. Him-again. By all the gods on Mount Olympus, I can't believe I have so many regrets over a fucking dead man.
When I killed him, damnit, it felt good...so good. A vicious kill has always got my blood running...not that that’s ever been a problem. the thrill of it is overwhelming. It always has been and it always will be. You know its funny, right before I killed him, when that irritating blonde was attempting to save Eli...I could feel her. My warrior princess. She was having fun-so much fun. Not the 'I'm so happy, lets go play' kind of fun, but the type of joy that a warrior gets from the passion of fighting, the heat of the battle. I could feel the pleasure building inside of her with each kill, the sensations pouring from her and into me...even miles apart. She can't hide it from me, our bound makes sure of that. She enjoys the kill as much as I do...though she would never in a thousand years, not even if her life depended on it, admit it. Ohh, sure she used to, she used to accept it...no not merely accept it-she would proclaim it proudly to the world and demonstrate her love for the art at any given chance. As much as she tries to deny it, she too sees it as it is.
The bond linking us to one another esd strengthened as I ran my blade through his gut. The pleasure raised from my sword arm and engulfed my body, consuming my entire being. I heard her gasp as she felt the intense ecstasy that I was feeling.
That pleasure, as gratifying as it was, was short lived. It dissipated as quickly as a broken reflection in pool of water...disappearing as swiftly as it began. A complete sense of how overly wrong the action I had just preformed was, hit me so heavily that I felt weighed down by the...could it have been guilt? Imagine...me-feeling guilty. Its not supposed to work this way, damnit! I'm the God of War! That's my job! Its what I was born for!
I said nothing as the irr-the bard looked up at me, her face full of grief as tears began to spill from her eyes. I left. I've been doing that a lot lately.
I was desperate. I knew I was going to pay for killing him, I could feel it, some kind of godly premonition, I guess...but I was scared. This new force in the world...we weren't going to be able to just ignore it. It was so strong, there was something so ethereal about it all. It was older and more powerful than even Dahak. But I had a feeling that this 'one god' wasn't going to want to team up with me. Eli was right. The future was going to pay.
Being desperate, as I was, I decided that I needed to take action, before this got out of hand...or at least more so that it already was.
It didn't take long to make my choice to use the bard as means...she was impressional, not like Xena. Xena always stuck with her gut instinct, which to be truthful, is most often right on the mark. While she had taken Eli in as a friend, I noticed that she was always weary of him, never completely trusting. Then again, she's never really trusting of anyone. If I could, I would narrow it down to the first time she had met him. I couldn't believe this, really...it took me days to get over. I nearly burst my sides open laughing so hard. The fool had tried to hypnotize her! The entire thing was totally hilarious. He actually believed that he could control her mind-bend her to his means! He was way out of his league with that gig. Stupid man. Xena doesn't let go easily, I'm guessing that she always held a grudge about that...although it must have been smoothed when he raised her from the dead.
The bard though...now she was different, always overly trusting. She has accepted him whole-heartedly-deciding to follow him with his 'way of peace and love'. Whatta crock. Xena could barely contain her disgust with the bard for making that decision. I can't help but laugh again as I think about the way she wanted to knock the bard unconscious almost every 10 seconds.
Yeah, the bard would have to be my tool. I showed her what it felt like to be a god, showed her the overwhelming power as it coursed through her veins. Sure I held back, I would never allow her to witness the full sensations of my power-a quarter alone would most likely have killed her. I've only shared my total being with one other person...she did handle it. The only mortal who had ever been able to do it. But then again, I've never thought of her as mere mortal. Mortals aren't meant for that kind of power at their fingertips, the human body didn't accept that strength easily. When a man-or of late it seemed to be mostly women-ate the blessed fruit, our sacred ambrosia, their eyes become devoid of all recent colour as the power takes it effect-begins controlling them. Yeah, sure they're able to produce short, quick spurts of energy, but the simple action drains leaves them drained...its like a leech. You know how many mortals turned Gods have actually survived past their first winter? Exactly 3. They just can't handle it. That simple.
I even had to touch her, to make it seem more sincere. Godsdamnit, the entire time, the only thing I could think about was getting the hell out of there to empty my suddenly churning stomach.
My plan was working, she was giving up on Xena. Bitch. Even I don't do that. How long did she imagine she'd be able to survive? Did she imagine she'd be able to 'survive' longer than the average warlord in my world? Was she wondering if she would become my lover? Could she be that stupid...okay not a great question when you consider that blondes are notorious for it.
But no...no, she'd been around my princess too long, she understood that what I said always had a hidden meaning, that there was always something beneath the obvious. I felt my rage build as the annoying blonde defied me infront of the masses. How dare she? "Looks like its over between us." I say sarcastically. "Ohh well, your loss." I consider saying something about how damn ugly she is, it would always drive a wedge further between her and Xena, but she speaks suddenly.
"What do you know about loss?" she flippantly threw back at me. It was exactly then that I truly lost my temper with her. I had kept my cool until then, but this...this was too much. What pathetic right did she think she had the right to ask that of me? She, the one who received the honour of waking besides my love, talking, eating, consorting, not to mention spending every waking moment of each day, with the one woman I have ever, and will ever love. The one who gets my hugs, my tears, my laughs, the one who is spending her life with my woman , while every second that goes by when I'm not with her is pure torture for me...and here she is asking me about loss. A little possessive, yeah, I know-I try to control it most the time, but I was really pissed.
I struck out, letting the blonde know who she was fighting. Trying to get through, with every punch, every kick, ever movement, that Xena was mine. Let her know that I was the God of War, and I would not trifle with insignificant mortals such as herself.
The little fight was over quickly, and I stood, poised over her, my sword raised in the air as she looked up at me with a rabbit's expression, fear lacing through the bright green eyes.
How I had anticipated this moment. So, so long-years even, I'd dreamt of killing her...but even as I stood there, I knew I wouldn't go through with it. As much as I'd have enjoyed doing so, as much pleasure that I would have receive from it...I wouldn't. For her sake. There would be no going back from killing Xena's best friend-after all the shit I've put her through, there is still the chance she'll forgive me for all of it. I wasn’t about to ruin that possibility. Wishful thinking, perhaps. But believe me-it made sense to me.
I heard her early on, up on the rooftops, simply sitting there, watching us 'fight', never lifting a hand in defense of the bard. Maybe she wanted to give me a chance to let out my aggression, maybe she wanted to have the bard put in her place. I don't know.
The soft clink of her chakram as she detached it from the clip resting on her hip, caught my attention, yet still, I made no attempt to intercept her. It was most definitely her. Only one had the audacity to attack me head on..the impact of the chakram, the weapon I gave her so many years ago, sent a shock through my body and my sword split in two. Of course it was her.
Her udilating battlecry erupted from the sky above me she amazingly flipped through the air with unnatural grace. She landed in from of me, tall and majestic. Straightening up, I watched the blonde retreat to behind her guardian, breathing heavily as I ground out, "I warned you about getting in my way again!"
"Ya took the words right out of my mouth!" She sneered back at me, completely unfazed.
I advanced on her, only to have my actions reflected with a few stealthy jabs to my chest and a powerful kick to my stomach. I love fighting with her. As I've said before-she's one of a kind. No-one, save perhaps Athena, has been able to hold their own against me in one on one combat, less a mortal! Although, I admit, I've never fought full force against her, I know with hundreds of years practice, she would be a challenge to Zeus himself. her skills surpass that of all mortals, and half mortals. I'll say it again, she's much better than even my poof-half breed of a brother, Hercules. My bets are on Xena in any fair fight. That time she went up against him after walking the gauntlet was almost a triumph for her against him, had it not been for his irritating cousin, she would have won. Even a few hours after being beaten within an inch of her life, she's more than a match for him.
Relishing the feel of her skin, needing contact with her, even if it be not a lover's caress, but a vicious blow, I made my way at her again. This time though, instead of the anticipated punch, she pulled out a sinister looking dagger. Placing it at the base of my neck she pleaded in a low purr, "Make a move on me...please!"
My eyebrow raised at her as I cast a disdainful glance at the weapon at my throat. "A dagger?" I questioned mockingly. Preparing to step forward I continued, "You're gonna have to do better than that!"
She pushed it forward again, this time more forcefully as to where I could feel the pressure of it against the leather on my chest. "The dagger of Helios," she informed me, "so no I don't." Her voice had turned low and breathy as she smiled grimly at me.
I love when she sounds like that; makes her sound dangerous and needy all at the same time. Intoxicating. Really a turn on! I can't believe though that she found it. "How did you get it?" I asked her, eager to hear of the place that has eluded me for centuries.
"Lets just say I have friends in 'high' places.." she drawled. Yeah...count on Xena to find something in a few hours that gods and men alike have been searching for years.
I chided her, as soon as I saw the bloodlust begin to ebb from her eyes. I hated to see that go. "GO ON, DO IT!" I roared out the command harshly, but I had already seen that she had reached a decision. She spoke to me, something...I can't tell, I wasn't really listening, my rage was so great, until I heard her utter something that was of a common interest to me.
'I'm going to do something worse than kill you...I'm gonna spare your life." she said shortly as she slowly lowered the dagger, ever the tease, tantalizingly down my chest, dropping it unceremoniously on the floor infront of me. She turned around, body tensed, as if she was ready for what would come next.
The dagger of Helios was in my hand before I knew it, and I had her by the shoulders. The dagger inches from her throat, I growled out in a dangerous tone, "And what makes you think I'm going to spare yours?" Even this angry, this provoked as to the point where I considered killing the woman I love, I couldn’t help but notice how insanely beautiful she really was. Even pregnant she was more lovely than any woman, any god in the world. Sub-consciously I leaned in closer to her and inhaled deeply, enjoying the fragrances invading my senses. She smelled so good- like the fresh air after a light rain.
"You matyr me to Eli's cause, Ares, and you make it twice as strong!" she spitout." I could feel her body against me, the sensation was amazing, I was instantly aroused. I'm figuring Xena also noticed. While I was a little pre-occupied, she began again. "It's the beginning of the end...enjoy your reign while it lasts...the twilight is upon you!" Needless to say, I didn't kill her.
I drew back, pushing her from me as I threw the dagger forcefully into the wall of a neighboring stone house.
"This is not over! Were gonna talk about this...when we have a little more privacy." I promised darkly.
"Count on it!" she replied with a vivid intensity.
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"I love you Xena." I whisper silently the darkness. It’s so easy for me to say now...why couldn't I have said it while she was here?
So here I am. Tartarus. What a great place for me to proclaim my affections-very private. Not to mention it front of her dead son! I scoff, self mockingly, once again. as I walk out of the dark torturous place. My mind lingers on those past words that the bard had spit at me, and a small smile filtered across my face, full of all the sorrow that I am trying to hide by doing so. Good, keep your feelings in check, War God. Its done a wonderful job so far!
"Yeah." I whisper softly as I look back at the place she had recently stood. "What do I know about loss?" The words echo through the damp air for a few seconds before melting into the eerie silence....
The End
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