(Simply click on the title of the joke to return back to the top)
Men Translated!
"I'm going fishing."
Really means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind."
Really means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is
wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize
it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm
starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Women Quotes
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm
not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever
see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends
told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything
that feels good for 36 hours.
-Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr
9. I think-therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country.
-Elayne Boosler
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career.
-Gloria Steinem
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Gloria Steinem
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes
home late at night.
-Marie Corelli
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith Summerskill
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck?
-Linda Ellerbee
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his
house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
20. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt.
Top 10 Things Men Understand About Women
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3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
On Kids...
"Four Little Kittens"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy
kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's
printed on the bottom."
"I Got A 100!"
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in
science..."
"Where Is Susie?"
Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?"
asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."
Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk
around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat, and that I
should ask you".
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but
keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."
Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Dad said, "Where's Susie?" Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about
halfway down the block, and there's another dog pushing her home."
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop
and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother
told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she
feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were
awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie
rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.
"Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that
will remain a lesson to me, "I've been chosen to clap and
cheer."
Top 17 Things NOT To Say To Your Pregnant Wife!
17. "I finished the Oreos."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty
pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a
baby!
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, could they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit
from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's
gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard
Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........"
New Medicine For Men
With Viagra such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual
prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards
improving the performance of men in today's society..
Here are a few of the new ones:
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips
caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost,
compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing
new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this
drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to
turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family
members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal
gasesback
into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car
rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men
with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the
test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other
people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special
prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular,
Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
-by K. Lawson
A Mom's Dictionary
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor
to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when he's in trouble.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
clean tennis shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and
to your last baby's
pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...
--by Kathleen J.
Missing Chapter of the Bible
And God said to Adam : "I will give you a woman
that will love and cherish you. That will do anything
you want to do, that will accpet anything you tell
her. She will be beautfil,sexy and everything you
can imagine"
Adam replied : "How must will it cost me?"
God answered : "An arm and a leg!"
Adam though for a while and then replied "What
can I get for a rib?"
Subject: Rules that Guys Wished Girls Knew
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: If it's up, put it
down.
3. Don't cut your hair....EVER!
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not
quests to see if we can find the perfect present,
AGAIN!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer
to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live
with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless
you are prepared to discuss such topics as Navel
lint, the Shotgun Formation and Monster Trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's
just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cat. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but dont
expect us to like it.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never
will. You need to mark Anniversaries on the
calendar.
18. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than
peeing from point blank range. We're bound to
miss sometimes.
19. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes.
What makes you think we're any good at choosing
which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
problem. See a doctor.
22. Your Mom doesn't have to be your best friend.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
26. Don't fake it. We would rather be ineffective
than deceived.
27. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take
the Cosmo quiz together.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 mos. ago is
inadmissable in an argument.
29. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like the Soap Opera guys.
30. If something we said can be interpreted two
ways, and one of the ways makes you angry, we
meant the other one.
31. Let us look. If we don't look at other women,
how can we know how pretty you are.
32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie
to come out.
33. You can either ask us to do something OR
TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
Not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you
have to say during commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions,
and neither do we.
36. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut
blouses lose their right to complain about having
their boobs stared at.
37. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We
need it, just like you do.
38. Telling us that the models in "Playboy" are
airbrusehed makes you look jealous and petty and
it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the
magazine.
39. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months...we were going out then.
The Perfect Joke
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman
met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect
wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple
was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a
winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not
wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of
Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys
into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering
the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only
one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?(Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is
no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect
man.
****Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
****Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the
perfect woman must have been driving. THIS EXPLAINS WHY THERE WAS A CAR ACCIDENT!
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this,
this illustrates another point: WOMEN NEVER LISTEN EITHER!
Logical Analysis
Bob goes into a bar and sees his old friend from high school, Joe,
at the bar. He goes to the bar and says, "Joe, how are you doing?
I haven't seen you in years! What are you up to these days?"
Joe replies, "Hi Bob. How have you been? I've got a new job
here, working in probability."
Bob asks, "Probability, what's that?"
Joe:"Well, let me give you an example. Do you own a lawn
mower?"
Bob:"Sure."
"Well, then you PROBABLY own a house."
Bob: "Wow, that's pretty cool! I DO own a house."
Joe: "Hold on, I'm not done. Since you own a house, you're
PROBABLY married."
Bob: "Wow, you're right. I AM married! That's really cool!"
Joe: "Wait -- since you're married, you're PROBABLY
heterosexual."
Bob: "Yeah, that's right too, I AM heterosexual. How do you do
that?"
Joe: "Well, that's probability. That's what I do."
They have a few beers and say goodbye.
The next week, Bob is back at the bar and sees John, another
old classmate. He and John start talking, and Bob says, "I just
saw Joe here last week. He's working with probability now."
John: "Probability, what's that?"
Bob: "Well, let me give you an example. Do you own a lawn
mower?"
John: "No."
Bob: "Queer!"
Communication Problem
A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce.
He asks, Any grounds?
Woman: yeah, about 2 acres.
Lawyer: Do you have a grudge ?
Woman: No, we have a car port.
Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning ?
Woman: No,I get up before him.
Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce ?
Woman: No, my husband wants it...he says he can't communicate with me !
-CHOMP
Checking the Oil
Mechanic: (after checking under the hood of a car and finding it very low on oil) "Ma'am, there's no oil on the dip stick."
Female Car Owner: "Would you mind squirting some on it? I'm kinda in a hurry!"
The Bargain
It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said: "May I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed.
The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years. The lion, too, wanted only 10. Again Man spoke up. "May I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," said the lion.
Then came the donkey who was also given 20 years. Like the others, 10 years was enough. Man asked for the spare 10 years and he got them.
This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself.
A Dime for A Word
When his little daughter stumped her toe and said, "D a r n!" the father reasoned with the child that he would give her a dime if she would never say that word again. Her eyes brightened up and she gladly took the dime and the promise.
A couple days later, the daughter bursts into the room and exclaims to her father, "Papa, I've got a word now that's worth half a dollar!"
Why?
A man is talking to God and asks him: "God, why did you
make women so beautiful?", to which God replies: "so that
you would find them attractive". Then the man asks: "God,
but why did you have to make them so dumb?". To which
God replies: "So that they would find you attractive!"
-Bart's World
Help Me Find My Wife
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You
know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
-http://www.100percentjokes.com/
Lemon Picker
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the
job.
Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
-http://www.100percentjokes.com/
Rules that Guys Wished Girls Knew
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: If it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair....EVER!
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, AGAIN!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Navel lint, the Shotgun Formation and Monster Trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cat. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but dont expect us to like it.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. You need to mark Anniversaries on the calendar.
18. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
19. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we're any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Your Mom doesn't have to be your best friend.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
26. Don't fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
27. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 mos. ago is inadmissable in an argument.
29. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the Soap Opera guys.
30. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry, we meant the other one.
31. Let us look. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are.
32. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
33. You can either ask us to do something OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
Not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
35. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
36. Women wearing Wonder Bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
37. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
38. Telling us that the models in "Playboy" are airbrusehed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazine.
39. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months...we were going out then.
-Stevenator
The Mastercard Commercial All Men Are Waiting For
Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:
-Stevenator
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