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Aggie Jokes
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 (Simply click on the title of the joke to return back to the top)
 The House on the Hill
Mac Brown (the football coach for the evil empire, t.u.) and R.C. Slocum were riding together to a coaches conference and they got in a wreck and both of them died. They entered the Pearly Gates and God takes Mak Brown on his tour of heaven first. He shows Mac a little two-bedroom house with an old faded Longhorn banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house coach. Most people don't get their own house up here," God says. Mac looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on the top of the hill. It's a huge three story mansion with white marble columns. Georgeous Texas A&M flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge A&M banner hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. We have beat Texas A&M many times and all I get is this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner while R.C. Slocum gets a mansion with a huge Aggie banner and sparkling new Aggie flags flying all over the place. Why is that?" God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile, God says, "Son, that's not R.C. Slocum's house, THAT'S MY HOUSE!!"
Liberal Bevo
Jumping from a Plane
An Englishman, a Frenchman, an Aggie, and a Longhorn were in a plane that
was in a nose dive because it weighed too much. Seeing no alternative,
the Englishman steps to the door and cries, "God Save the Queen" and jumps out of the plane to his death. Not to be outdone, the Frenchman steps to the door and says, "Viva la Paris" and jumps out of the plane to his death. Finally, the Aggie takes the t-sip by the shoulders, steps to the door and cries out, "The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You!!!" and pushes the Longhorn out of the plane.
Potatoes
There's an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Baylor Bear that all just broke out of jail. They went to hide out in an old animal warehouse. The Aggie and Bear each hid in a box and the Longhorn hid in a bag. The police walked in and knocked on the Aggie box. With plenty of experience working with livestock, the Aggie replied, "Moo!" The police said, "Oh, it's just a cow." After knocking on the Bear's box, the Bear instinctively replied, "Grrrroooowwwwlllll!" The police said, "Oh, it's just a bear!" the police shook the t-sip's bag and the t-sip said, "Potatoes!"
Escalator
Have you heard about the t-sip who was 2 hours late to class? The escalator was stuck...
Recipe
Did you hear that they can't have any more parties at t.u.? They guy who knew the recipe for ice graduated!
Jigsaw Puzzle
There were three Longhorns huddled around each other at a local bar. All of a sudden, they jumped up and yelled, "Yeah, 45! 45!" The bartender goes down to them and asks, "45? What are you guys so excited about?" One of the Longhorns speaks up, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to 3 years and we did it in 45 days!"
Tickets Please
Three Aggies and three teasips are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, The three teasips each buy tickets and watch as the three Aggies buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a teasip. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Aggie. They all board the train. The teasips take their respective seats but all three Aggies cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket,please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The teasips saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the teasips decide to copy the Aggies (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aggies don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed teasip. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Aggie. When they board the train the three teasips cram into a restroom and the three Aggies cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Aggies leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the teasips are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
t-sip and Carp
What is the difference between a t-sip and a carp? One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.
Rice Crispies
Q: What the difference between a Longhorn and Rice Crispies? A: Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.
100 Times Smarter
There were three Longhorns on a island. They find a magic lamp and are each granted 1 one wish. One Longhorn says "I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie grants his wish, the Longhorn builds a rowboat and rows to shore. The second Longhorn says "I wish I was 100 times smarter." The genie grants his wish, he builds a motor boat and gets to shore. The third Longhorn says "I wish I was a million times smarter." The genie grants his wish, *POOF*, he turns into a Fightin' Texas Aggie and he walks across the bridge.
Picking Fruit
Two Fightin' Texas Aggie students and a Longhorn were driving through the Texas countryside when their car broke down. Luckily, they were near a farmhouse. So they knocked on the door and asked the gruff old farmer if they could stay the night. The farmer agreed, but only on one bizarre condition. He told them to go out into his field, pick any fruit or vegetable they could find, then to return to the farmhouse. Some time later, the two Aggies found themselves dead and in line at the pearly gates. Saint Peter was there, listening to their tale. "Okay," said Saint Peter, "You went out and found some fruits and vegetables. How did you die?" "Well," continued one of the Aggies, "My friend here returned first with a cherry. Then the farmer pointed his gun at him and commanded, 'Stick that cherry up your butt, and if you laugh I'll shoot you!'" "And?" prompted Saint Peter. "He laughed, and the farmer shot him." "Why did you laugh?" Peter asked the second Aggie. "It tickled," he said. "Then it was my turn," continued the first Aggie. "I had also brought a cherry, and the farmer pointed his gun at me and told me the same thing. I laughed and he shot me." "And why did you laugh?" Saint Peter asked. "I saw the Longhorn coming up the walkway with a watermelon."
Olympics
Three college friends, one each from Rice, Texas A&M University, and texas university decided to pool their funds and go to the Olympics in Barcelona. The airfare and hotel rates ate up most of their money so they didn't have enough to get into the stadium to see the events. So they stood around the gate watching all the other people get in and then noticed that some people didn't have to pay. Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her) equipment, the guard would simply nod and let them through. So the three visitors quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware store and came back shortly to try to get in. The Rice student walked up to the guard and gestured at the long pole he carried."Pole vaulting," he said, and the guard waved him through. The Texas Aggie student, having rigged up an ax to a length of chain, approached the guard next and showed off his wares. "Ax throwing," he said, and the guard shrugged and waved him through. The Longhorn came last with a roll of chain link on his shoulder. "Fencing."
Longhorn Druggies
Two Longhorns are sitting in an abandoned house on 6th Street shooting up drugs from
the same needle. A man walks in and says, "What are you guys doing,
aren't you afraid of AIDS?" The drugged up Longhorns replied, "No we're wearing
condoms."
Longhorn on a Flight
A Longhorn and a Sooner are sitting next to each other on a four engine jumbo jet and just as the plane takes off the Longhorn turns to the Sooner and says, "You know I've never been on a plane before, I'm a little nervous" The plane takes off and about halfway through the flight, the captain comes on says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've had a little problem with one of our engines and we've had to shut it down, but don't worry; we still have three more engines and we'll just be delayed about fifteen minutes." The Longhorn squirms a little in his seat, but stays calm. About five minutes later, the captain comes on again, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've lost another engine, but don't worry we'll just be delayed another fifteen minutes." Now the Longhorn is starting to sweat a little. Ten minutes later, the captain, a little flustered, again comes on, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've lost our third engine, but don't worry we have one good engine left and we'll just be delayed another fifteen minutes." The Longhorn now is getting very upset. Fifteen minutes later, the captain comes on again, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry to announce we've lost our fourth engine." Calmly, the Longhorn turns to the Sooner and says, "Darn, at this rate we'll be up here all day!"
The Aggie
A t-sip (a t-sip is someone who goes to the "other" texas university, tu) in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear an Aggie joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 220 pounds, and I am an Aggie. The guy sitting next to me is 6'5" tall, weighs 260 pounds, and he's an Aggie. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke? The t-sip says, "Well, no.....not if I'm gonna have to explain it 2 times!"
Common Sense
A Longhorn and an Aggie are using the men's room. The Aggie finishes and walks toward the door. The Longhorn calls over his shoulder, "We at 'The University of Texas' are taught the sophistication of washing our hands after we go to the bathroom." The Aggie replies, "We at 'The Texas A&M University' we are taught the common sense of not to go to the bathroom on our hands."
Fire!!
An Aggie student, a Rice Owl student, and a Longhorn student had all commited horrendous crimes and were going to be shot. The Aggie was brought up and blindfolded. The general shouted, "Ready ....... aim..." and the Aggie yelled, "Hurricane!!," everybody ducked, and he ran away free. Dismayed at losing their first prisioner, the guards brought up the Owl with renewed vengence. They blindfolded him and the general commanded, "Ready......aim....." and the Owl shouted, "Tornado!!" and fearing for their lives, everybody ducked, and he ran away free. Well, the Longhorn student had been watching all this and started thinking, "They all yelled natural disasters and they got away, so I will too." So they brought him up and blinded folded him, the general shouted, "Ready ...... aim...." and the Longhorn screamed, "Fire!!"
Oh Crap!!
One day an Aggie a Rice Owl, and a Longhorn were stranded on a desert island when they found a genie lamp. The genie said, "Run over the edge of the cliff and scream out an object. When you do, you will transform into that thing." The Aggie, always wanting to drive a stock-car, says "Race Car Driver", and lands in the cockpit and zooms off. The Owl ran and yelled, "Bird," and he flew off the side of the cliff. Then the Longhorn runs, trips over a rock and yells, "Oh Crap!!"
Splat!
I'd be a Longhorn
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Texas
Longhorn.
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a Longhorn."
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