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Aggie Jokes
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 (Simply click on the title of the joke to return back to the top)
13 messages to trick a caller that will make you holler: 1. (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP! 2. This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message. 3. The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) 4. The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.) 5. Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in
right now. Maybe you should leave a
message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.)
Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are
you ready now?
6. Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't. 7. (Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone. 8. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 9. Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me? 10. Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah. BEEP 11. Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.) 12. Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone. 13. Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: how much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome!
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says,"Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good and protects me from robbers, too." The man at the door says, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!?!?!"
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair... try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6-foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Scientists are starting to use lawyers instead of white mice for experiments. There are three reasons for this change:
One day this old lady walks into the doctors office and is shown into a room.
So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives her some pills and tells her
The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's
A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his
"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."
farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.
The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that." The cop ask the farmer where
The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the
Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the
A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency
The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After
Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is this
She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your
"Yes!", she replies. "What did you do with the bodies?" "I threw them in the pool." (A Long Pause) "Pool? ... Say, is this 555-8234?"
The man had been shipwrecked for several years on a deserted island when he finally saw a ship offshore and a small boat pulling towards the island. When the boat came ashore, the officer in charge handed the marooned man a bunndle of newspapers and said, "With the captain's compliments. He asked that you read through these newspapers and then let us know if you still want to be rescued."
The teacher of fifth grade decides to take the afternoon to quiz her kids on how to appropriately use nouns in sentences. After many students impress her with their keen ability to use nouns in sentences, she squirms when she calls out little Johnny's name. However, everyone must participate. "Johnny, can you use the word 'aorta' in a sentence? Little Johnny sat for a while thinking about his response. Finally, after much delay, he stands up and boldly exclaims, "EY, ORDAH ME SOME FRIES!"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again.
PLAYGIRL, INC.
New York, New York 10021 Dear Sir: We wish to thank you for your letter and pictures which we recently received. However, we will not be able to use your body in our centerfold. On a scale from 0 to 10, your body was rated negative 7. The rating is done by a panel of women ranging in age from 65 to 75 years. We tried to have our panel of women in the 25 to 35 years old age bracket rate your body, but we could not get them to stop laughing long enough to rate your body. Should the taste of the American woman ever change so drastically that they would want you in the centerfold, you will be notified by this office. In the meantime, however, don't call us, we'll call you. Sympathetically,
Amanda Smith, Editor
Remember that television series back in the 1980's called "30 Something"? Well, they're testing new pilot spin-offs with a similar name:
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog
with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is
dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are
going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up
rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur
and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's
house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A
few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy,
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around
and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor
replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but
the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went
outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath
and put him back into the cage. There must be some real
sick people out there!"
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
DEMENTIA:
NARCISSISTIC:
MANIC:
PARANOID:
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
DEPRESSION:
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
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