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Actual Bumper Stickers

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus

Your kid may be an honor student but YOU'RE still an IDIOT!

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS

Friends don't let friends drive Naked

Wink, I'll do the rest!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock

2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2.

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Save the whales. Collect the whole set

A day without sunshine is like, night

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Funny Sayings and Sloguns

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry

I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
-- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
-- Quentin Crisp

Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
-- Monty Python

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
--- Ashleigh Brilliant

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
-- Mark Twain

Q: Why don't cannibals like clowns?
A: They taste funny!

Philosophical Whims

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Two Ends

The Lord gave us two ends...one to sit on, the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

Sign in a store window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."

Chinese Proverbs

1. Virginity like bubble, one prick -- all gone.
2. Man who run in front of car get tired.
3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.
8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
10. Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.
11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
12. War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.
13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
16. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. -Martin Hoover

Stupid Pick-Up Lines

* Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

* Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

* Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

* I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

* That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

* Yo, Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

* I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

* Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

* I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

* I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

* Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

* If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town.

* Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.

* I'm new in town. Could I have directions to your house?

* I love every bone in your body -- especially mine.

* You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

* My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard and serve hot.

* I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room

Religious Billboards...

Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them.These messages are all over the USA. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included.

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.
-God

C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
-God

We need to talk.
-God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
-God

I love you and you and you and you and...
-God

Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God

Follow me.
-God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
-God

My way is the highway.
-God

Need directions?
-God

You think it's hot here?
-God

Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
-God

Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God

Husbands' Quotes

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."