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Top 10 Things Not to Say to Professor
Snape
Hogwarts prides itself
upon the professionalism and impartiality of its professors.
Unfortunately, there
are always exceptions....
10. Did you fall into a vat
of uglification potion when you were younger?
9. Good news! Professor
Lockhart will be assisting you in class for the rest of the semester!
8. Is our potion supposed
to melt through the cauldron, the table, and the dungeon floor, Professor?
7. Oh, no! I accidentally
pushed Goyle into his cauldron!
6. That's not how you're
supposed to do it, Professor. Here, let me show you.....
5. Draco Malfoy wouldn't
know the difference between a good teacher and a mountain troll.
4. The Gryffindor Quidditch
team slaughtered the Slytherins yesterday. Did you see the match?
3. I'm not sure this
poison potion turned out right. Would you mind sampling it for me?
2. Black is such an
ugly, depressing color. It suits you very well, Professor.
1. Potions, smotions.
Who care what goes in first? It all ends up in the same place.
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Top 10 Excuses for Not Turning in
Your Hogwarts Homework
No Hogwarts student
would intentionally neglect his studies,
but even Hermione
occasionally forgets an assignment.
10. My brother cast an invisibility
hex on it.
9. I accidentally used
self-erasing parchment.
8. A mountain troll
used it to blow his nose during Defense Against the Dark Arts.
7. I left it in the
Common Room and can't remember the password.
6. Neville Longbottom
dropped some Super Shrinking Potion on it.
5. A Blast-Ended Skrewt
set it on fire during Care of Magical Creatures.
4. Peeves swallowed
it, then belched it up in a million pieces.
3. Ever since that
rogue bludger broke my arm, I just haven't been able to write properly.
2. My three-headed
dog ate it.
1. What homework? Someone
must have performed a memory charm on me the day you assigned it.
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Top 10 Ways to Earn Detention or
Get Expelled from Hogwarts
Hogwarts students past
and present have made choices they've lived to regret.
By sharing this list,
they hope that you, too, will see the error of their ways.
10. Using a Hovering Charm
to lift your cauldron above Snape, then accidentally dropping it on his
head.
9. Transfiguring Filch
into a grindylow in front of Professor McGonagall.
8. Setting a bludger
loose in the Teacher's Lounge.
7. Establishing a refuge
for homeless garden gnomes in the Greenhouse.
6. Getting caught pilfering
supplies from Snape's Private Stores.
5. Making enough copies
of the Marauder's Map for every student in school.
4. Inciting Kitchen
Elves to pelt professors with pudding-filled socks until Dumbledore raises
their pay.
3. Helping Peeves raid
the Girls' Dormitories.
2. Setting Pixies loose
in the Restricted Section of the Library.
1. Trying to crossbreed
Mrs. Norris with a Hungarian Horntail.
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Top 10 Products We'd Like to See
Developed
The wizarding world
has a way of coming up with the most original products,
but we can think of
a few that haven't been developed yet.
10. Timeburner
(Makes time fly! Great for long, boring classes)
9. Firefly (Stealth
racing broom with headlights)
8. Pocket Geekoscope
(Hey! Geeks are cool!)
7. Large Lip Lollipops
(A Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes specialty)
6. Bertie Botts Every
Flavor Toothpaste (A different flavor every time you brush!)
5. Skelextend (Lengthens
& strengthens bones so Crabbe & Goyle can't beat up on you)
4. Golden Snare (Catches
pesky escaped snitches after Quidditch practice)
3. Whomping Pillow
(Wakes you up, uh, rather aggressively if you're having bad dreams)
2. Penstove (Cooks
up your thoughts for dinner. Great for extended weekens away from Hogwarts)
1. Foe Bass (Mounted
"fish" sings obnoxious songs when foes approach)
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Top 10 Signs You Should Have Been
Sorted into Slytherin
Your
parents have never told you what House they belonged to, but they
were
a
little surprised you were sorted into Hufflepuff. Maybe they've got
a point.
10. Professor
Snape actually seems to like you.
9.
You're on a first-name basis with the Bloody Baron, or George, as you call
him.
8.
Hufflepuffs run for the toilets, clutching their mouths in fear, when you
enter the Common Room.
7.
The kitchen elves keep making snake-shaped pancakes for you.
6.
You're weird uncle Grindelwald bought you a Hand of Glory for Christmas,
and you like it.
5.
You develop a nervous twitch around cute, furry animals.
4.
Colin Creevey keeps calling you the Heir of Huff and Puff.
3.
When Draco's not around, Crabbe and Goyle follow you around like a couple
of lost puppies.
2.
You break out into hives whenever you wear your Hufflepuff Quidditch robes.
1.
Millicent Bullstrode thinks you're hot.
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Top 10 Signs That You're a Muggle
Everyone would love
to receive an invitation to attend Hogwarts.
But some need not
apply.
10. Your hairdresser scalped
you, but your hair is growing back at a lamentably slow rate.
9. Your mother bought
you a hideous sweater for your birthday. Unfortunately, it fits just perfectly.
8. You're no good at
walking through platform barriers, and you have the scars to prove it.
7. Whenever bullies
chase you, you try to leap into the nearest tree but end up falling flat
on your face.
6. The only owl you've
ever seen not only failed to deliver a message, but also left several droppings.
5. You have a unique
relationship with animals: you're terrified of them, and they detest you.
4. A fortune teller
said you have a strong aura and would one day join the Psychic Friends'
Network.
3. You think Charms
Class is where wizards and witches learn to stand straight and hold their
forks right.
2. Neville Longbottom
pities you.
1. Fortune cookies
often predict you'll have great success as an accountant.
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Top 10 Rejected Names for Wizard
Candy
Chocolate Frogs and
Bertie Bott's Every-Flavor Beans are household names.
How popular would
they have been if they'd stuck with their original names, shapes, and flavors?
10. Chocolate Muggles
9. Bertie Bott's Ever-Farting
Beans
8. Pickled Imps
7. Spinach Wands
6. Drool's Best Slobbering
Gum
5. Overpriced Sugary
Goop That'll Rot Your Teeth and Make You Sick at Your Stomach
4. Troll Boogers
3. Horatio Humdrum's
"Healthy Alternative" ABC-Pops -- With Alfalfa, Beets, and Cauliflower
2. Voldemort's Vanilla
Valentines
1. Cockroach Clusters
(Oh, sorry, that name wasn't rejected after all!)
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Top 10 Permanently Retired House
Passwords
These former passwords
have been permanently retired,
for a variety of reasons.
10. Muddlebore! (Too annoying:
This anagram of "Dumbledore" was once a Slytherin favorite.)
9. Barf Bag! (Too offensive.)
8. Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus!
(Too difficult: A famous Muggle word turned backwards.)
7. Shut the Door! (Too
confusing.)
6. Felix qui potuit
rerum cognoscere causas! (Too easy.)
5. Gesundheit! (Too
commonplace.)
4. Je m'excuse de vous
déranger, mais pourriez-vous m'ouvrir la porte, s'il-vous plaît?
(Too French)
3. Egregiously anomalous
violations of prevailing mores are anathema. (Too pretentious.)
2. Alohomora! (Too
obvious.)
1. Candy Gram! (Too
easily mistaken for a bribe.)
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