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· AOH REDEMPTION
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·it's the bloody humor ( this is humor!?! )page!
ok well basicly (i can't fricking spell so shut up) this is where all the funny crap is, if you have any thing funny send it to us and we will... take credit for it!
Posted by Ssjtidus666 ~ wanker
Click here for AOH KREW
LOL
i'll keep a look out
the only place for cramps.
right...
yay for you.
-you know your getting old when after taking a leak, you shake your dick and dust comes out.
-my favourite country song is "i shoulda fucked old what's-her-name."
-I'm not worried about guns in school, you know what i'm waiting for... guns in church, now that is gonna be cool
-THINK CLOWN VOMIT.
-it's bad luck to kill a dog with a cooking spoon.
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- I wise man once told me, Morphi...I mean Alex, when you grow, your enormous amounts of knowledge will save all of mankind, and after that I never did weed again.
I think I can manage
I like my pain Italian style.
finally a place for seamen to ship off
well at least theyr'e nice enough not to kill us
Just some interesting facts...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O. M. G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm...)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing...)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
Medical Breakthrough!!!
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow
really hurts,I thinkI'll go and see my Doctor!"
His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that. There's a new computer at Boots (Pharmacy) that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than your
doctor. All you do is put in a sample of your urine and
the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do."
Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a
jar with his piss, went to Boots (Pharmacy) where he found the computer and deposited his sample.
The computer started making a few noises and some
lights started to flash. After a brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper which read:
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW, SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER THREE TIMES A DAY FOR AN HOUR. AVOID HEAVY WORK. YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.
That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was and how it could change the world of medicine forever, he began to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He decided to try. He mixed together some tap water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and, at the last minute, masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to Boots, deposited the sample in the computer and waited for the result. After the noises and the flashing lights ceased, out popped piece of paper which read:
YOUR TAP WATER IS DIRTY, GET A FILTER. THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE F*CKED, GET IT TO A GARAGE. YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET. YOUR DAUGHTER IS HOOKED ON SMACK, GET HER TO REHAB. & YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER. AND IF YOU DON'T STOP WANKING, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
Top 10 ways to freak out your roommate:
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!"
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a gynaecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted
Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. Melinda 39, Seguin, TX
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen 31, Ferndale, MI
Nuts about You My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye 34, Ellerslie, MD
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter. Amy Stafford, Virginia
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" Diane
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Two men were sitting at a craps table in Las Vegas. It had been a really slow day in the casino and the men were looking forward to getting off work.
Just as their shift was almost up, a tall, buxom, beautiful blonde came to the table and placed an extremely large bet. Before she picked up the dice, she said, "Do either of you mind if I take my clothes off? I feel much more lucky when I'm naked."
Neither of the men protested (duh) and she proceeded to strip down to nothing.
She rolled the dice, jumped up in the air and giggled with delight. "Yay, I won!" She grabbed her money and her clothes and took off.
One of the men asked the other what she had rolled to win.
"How am I supposed to know? I thought you were watching!"
you know, you can piss in the mall if you really want to.
...
That must be one big ass bee!
I'd go for the toasted ham and cheese
Thats my kind of car wash!
Idiot
okay the next one shows that fortune cookies just aren't as mystical as they used to be!
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