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August Rants
2002
8-30
Well, I haven't updated my rants in a while, so I thought it was time. Lots
of things have happened, I suppose. My first week at college was Hell with all
the freshmen orientation crap and then my computer crashing. Then classes started
and things are cool I guess. Bad stuff did keep happening..weird! I had a meeting
with my therapist on campus, and we're going to try to get me someone off campus.
So we'll see how that goes. I guess the biggest development lies in my love
life. I have met a wonderful guy and I am just in awe at it all. Okay, here
is the story: my friend introduced us online (I will be meeting him in person
in two weeks!) and since our first hello's we have talked everyday and all night...I've
gone to bed at 3am just about every night! Its incredible...I could talk to
him for hours. But the biggest freakin' coincidence (fate???) happened the other
night. We were having a rather deep conversation so I decided it was time to
let him in a little about my past. He is going to know sometime, then seemed
like a good time. So I told him and its all good. He was impressed! and really
admired me etc. So then he begged for my website address and I finally relented
and gave it to him. Then we were talking and everything, when suddenly he goes:
you know what? Of course I had no idea...well he said...I've been here, to your
site, before!!!!!!!!! Blew me away!! I didn't believe him...it was because of
self injury or suicide or depression or anything like that. He was looking for
poetry sites and places he maybe can post some. He used a yahoo search engine
and somehow my page came up and he went there, not realizing what it really
was. He was shocked what it was so he poked around a bit, went to rants and
raves etc. He did that about two days before we met. Well, after we got over
the initial shock, I tried to reproduce his search...and I've never been able
to pull up my page based on poetry. The odds of him seeing my site and then
meeting me are about impossible. I have never actually known anyone who has
come to my site from a search engine. All of my friends received the site from
me. Its just so incredible... we can't get over it. We talked forever that night...and
since then, its like we're in the twilight zone, a few other things have happened
like that.
It's so
weird, I was not expecting any of this...he has really swept me off my feet
like I've never thought possible. And its making my recovery so much sweeter...and
gives me incentive not to fall backwards! But even so, I know he'd support me.
He is like a dream come true. Just like a day before I met him, I had been watching
A Walk To Remember...What a movie!!!! Incredible love story and I remember thinking
I wish something like that could happen...have a love affair out of the movies...but
I didn't think it was possible, until now. So needless to say every crappy thing
that has happened recently aren't so bad after all (except for losing documents-
I'll never get over that). It's funny how life is.
I've been
thrown quite a few curveballs in my life...each catching me off guard and setting
me on the right path...this is just another example. You can choose to hit that
curve ball, swing and miss or ignore that pitch completely...but its the hitting
that brings the sweetest reward. I'm trying to hit this one for a home run.
It's come at a time when I'm a little nervous and scared. Since last week my
urges have come up more than usual...not good of course. And I'm very worried.
Suddenly I am sleeping very little, have a million tasks...my head is swimming
with ideas and thoughts and I can't sit still etc. It is reminding me of my
senior year- the beginning of it- all was good, I accomplished so much...and
then I crashed- so its a little scary. But this time I'm trying for PREvention
instead of INTERvention! That way if I do falter, it won't be so bad. I really
want to do right this time...I really have something special and I don't want
to lose that...I will not let Depression and self injury destroy me any longer.
I've let it control me for too long. I just can't do that anymore. Sure its
hard as hell, but I know I have the strength within me. I have hope :-)
Well if
ya'll need me or anything email me, or IM me!!! Hope ya'll are doing and talk
to ya later. Take Care.
8-17
First: Chat room is now here- its not the best thing, but for now it will do!
I will probably do something different when I get to college, but hey, its something!
Well, things
are going well, despite my last rant, I was just being a little emotional, but
hey I tell it like it is of course. I'm about to head home from my vacation...my
days of relaxing over as I go to college! Wahoo, I'm happy about that. Finally
get back to learning more about Psychology! I've missed that actually. There
is only so much reading I can do on my own. And of course I've missed my friends
etc. And so much will happen with my website...its been so hard to update etc
being at home, but now things will be much better. So expect some updates!
As for my
emotional well- being, couldn't be better really. Meds are working, obviously.
Urges, so very infrequent! So things are going well. Of course college, again,
is a whole new ball park. Things are going to be tight this semester etc. So
we shall see how I hold up...which should be well!! :-) Well, that is about
all the updates for now. Let me know if ya'll need anything. Take Care.
8-15
Ya ever know what it is like to be shafted...constantly. I get so sick of it.
On one side of my family I have these two cousins- pretty, smart etc etc...they
are good girls, but my step grandma sings their praises like they are God's
gift to Earth. Nothing is ever wrong with them, they can do no wrong. The older
cousin goes to a good college, not great, but its pretty good...but she's like,
only kids with A's and B's can get in there, no one else and on and on and on.
I go to a better college, I know this for a fact. Now that older cousin is a
genius, definitely, absolute genius...could have gone anywhere but instead went
to this okay school. I worked my ass off literally to get into my good school
etc. I nearly went crazy to get in. Any word EVER mentioned about my school?
Never.
I work my ass off all summer- I work morning to night and when I come home at
night I work on my website till the wee hours of the morning. All my money went
to my car, insurance, phone and the like- no spending money or anything. I worked
at least ten different jobs this summer, plus the website. The older cousin
goes to the Dominican Republic for some mission work for six weeks- "can you
imagine working all day for no pay...that is so wonderful!" Yeah, well work
all day and have your money go to expenses AND volunteer your time at the end
of that day and tell me how you feel. No mention what so ever. I might as well
not exist. I mean, I have one set of step grandparents, who also revere other
grand kids etc., this set I'm talking about (one step, one real) and then one
grandfather I speak to every three months, just so we can say we have a relationship
and that's it for extended family. The only Uncles I talk to are step...and
I never "talk" to them...There are pleasantries at family functions and that
is it.
I just wish
for once I felt like I belonged...just once... I feel like all I do is just
try to prove myself, to be worthy of love. I mean just once of saying, Erin,
you've worked so hard this summer, we're proud of you; or Erin its so wonderful
you were able to get into such a great school. Just something so I know I'm
worth something. Or just be excited with a phone call from me or a card or something,
like the other granddaughters. Geez, I'll take anything, anything.
I am just
so tired of not fitting in, ya know? I'm on the right meds now, I don't hurt
myself, hell I don't even think about suicide anymore, but I still just don't
seem to fit anywhere. I am always working to prove myself, just to say, love
me, do you love me? I wonder if it does any good. Or am I just a wreck not deserving
of anything good?
Ah, as you can see I'm just a tad upset tonight, though it was the perfect time
for a rant :-) Let me know if ya'll need anything...and check out the message
board- some new stuff there! Hope everyone is doing well and Take Care.
8-4
Well I’ve come to several revelations these past few days. First, I’m tired
of all my shit. Its high time I get my act together…I am a strong person, life
has made me that way. My urges don’t come around much anymore, my Depression
only rears its ugly head every once in a while…its time to put all of that to
rest. I need to get on with my life, be out on my own, be my own person. I’ve
lost to many things in my life to Depression, to cutting, Hell if I let it ruin
one more thing. Right now, in this moment…there is this one thing that I don’t
want to lose. So now I’m laying down my cards, I’m saying goodbye to my past…
because it all belongs in the past. Life is hard, that much I know, but I’m
sick of being different, I’m sick of losing out on love, I’m sick and tired
of fighting. So I’m leaving it behind and hope and pray that I won’t lose this
one thing that has of late made me feel on top of the world. If I hold on to
Depression/cutting I will lose it and that’s something I’m not willing to lose.
I’m here
now, ready to move on, ready to show the world what I have to offer, what I
can do. I am here, holding myself out there, risking a hell of a lot and hoping
that it’s the right thing to do.
That’s my
rant for today and I think things may be a bit different from now on. But what
remains is I’m here for everyone, you need something just ask, need to talk,
to vent, advice, whatever it is, I am here for you. All ya gotta do is email
or IM me hope everyone is doing as well as I am and hope to talk to you guys
soon. Take care ya’ll.September Rants
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Something happened to my December rants, I'll try to find them!
November Rants
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