Anyway, my heart died right then and there. I don’t understand the yelling. Why must someone yell so much and see nothing wrong with it. There are better ways to raise kids. And you don’t have kids without knowing they are going to foul up some days…helps them learn things…in their own way. Makes me so angry at my mother. Just stop yelling for once and look at yourself.

Ah shit, sleep pill is kicking in…I’ll finish this thought later. Night.

12-14
God do I hate being home. All I do is get in trouble for this and that. My mom is such a bitch sometimes…if something isn’t perfect then all hell ensues. I’ve never met a more perfectionistic bitch in my life and its starting to really get on my nerves because I can’t enjoy being home. Every second I’m at home I have to fuckin watch what I do. I have too make sure I don’t sleep to much, eat too much, rough house with my brothers, I have to clean right, and watch what reading materials I have around her. She’s judgmental and still yells a lot. I shelter my brothers practically the whole time I’m here, yet we always end up getting in trouble sometimes because we end up rough housing and one of us gets hurt. Yeah I hate it if I accidentally use too much strength (or my other brother feels bad if he uses too much strength on his younger brother), but I take full responsibility, do what I can to make my brother feel better. Rough housing (i.e. throwing footballs around in the hallway, or playing soccer inside ;-)) is almost a way of life with siblings, especially two brothers and a tom boy sister. But we do it in love and try to be careful. And yeah we get hurt but we still love each other. Do we deserve to get yelled at? At the ferocity my mom does? Hell no. Maybe another lecture as to why we shouldn’t do it, but I don’t see why we should get yelled at. Especially since she didn’t bother to care if my brother hurt me when I was little…and we weren’t rough housing- he was smothering me…rough housing is normally with sports or wrestling, and is for fun- meaning you try NOT to hurt the other person…he TRIED to hurt me. Big difference. Anyway … even my brothers know about my mom’s yelling. I laugh right now because my mom just mentioned the other day how much calmer she was about grades and how she knows we do try our best. I mentioned I was probably getting a C in a class and she fuckin yelled at me. Well, I fucking know inside I did my best. I know I did, so she can shove it (which I told her in nice words. I also found out later, I did super well on my final, so I may have pulled out a B!!). And then, when my little brother wanted someone to help him study he point blank said to my mom, I don’t want you to help me, I want Erin to. My mom goes why…and he goes, because she (me) doesn’t yell at me when I get something wrong. Which is true. When I study with him, we just go over the stuff until he has it, regardless if he does end up messing up or whether it takes us thirty minutes to two hours. If my mom does it, she yells that he hasn’t studied enough, that he’ll never get it, or ground him or something. I mean what the fuck.

So this is why I hate being at home and why I can’t wait to be at my father’s. Despite the fact I will miss my brothers this week like crazy and I will leave them with “the bitch”. She gets even more bitchy right before the holidays because she takes on so many responsibilities and then doesn’t know how to deal with it. Oh yeah and with going to my father’s, she just has that look in her eye as in she can stand the fact that I am going and decided to be gone for so long. I am just waiting for her to ask me why I chose to go or be gone so long…I will proudly say because I wanted, I wished to…it was my choice. I am so freakin tired of all of her disapproving looks and comments. I’m grown and a pretty damn good success, just by the fact of living. I have lived. I am alive…through it all, I have lived. I hit rock bottom more than once, made plans to kill myself, and yet lived at the end. I faced the darkness and now I’m doing something about it. Sure, she’s alive despite the abuse she suffered, but instead of rising above and past it, she’s chosen to let it eat her alive inside and make the lives of others miserable around her. She’s taking the cowards way out. Many people would see strength in my mom…I see some strength, just by her being able to drag herself up everyday and keep a family together…but at the same time, she will always be haunted by her past, always be chained to it. She can’t break free…and because of it, she tries to chain in those around her to the same suffering.

But I decided I’m not for the chaining…I refuse it and am stronger than it. And so tonight I’ll just have to pray that when I get back from my Dad’s I can live through the following three weeks and hopefully she’ll be her nice self. I’ll just have to watch myself I suppose.

So yeah…those are my rather coarse and strong thoughts at the current moment. I am angry because this all affects my brothers and I would do anything to protect them from harm- I want them to come away from her home without the scars I left with. And so I do what I can when I can. So I end these rants now, gotta go see how they are faring right now and making sure she is not making things worse. Hope you guys have a good weekend. Night.

12-11
Alright, today was a good day. Went to doctor about my back. Today was a really bad day for my back and left leg. Hurt so bad…I walk with a limp now, it is painful to sit down etc. The doctor decided to go with Sciatica as a diagnosis, which I don’t totally agree with. I have had Sciatica before, this feels different. But, I’ll try the meds she gave and if it isn’t better in a few weeks, we will start the round of X-rays and MRI’s to find out what’s wrong (i.e. may be herniated disc etc.). So we’ll see, got a few more weeks of pain to endure. Ugh. And more meds- I hate that. But oh well.

Then I went to visit my old high school. There are like three teachers I still talk to and the guidance office receptionist and I are friends and she’s been on me for a while now to visit her! So I did and had a good time. Then I got to see my friend and former guidance counselor. I surprised the Hell out of her :-) We talked for two and a half hours and grabbed dinner. It was great to sit down with her again and just chill. It’d been a while- both of us being workaholics!! Then I finally got back to my college town and pretty much immediately had to go to a two hour study session with four other members of my class. We had a great time, half goofing off, half studying. So it was nice. Then I came back and talked to a friend for a while, we just recently got back in touch. He’s a really great guy to know. And then I talked to another friend for a while.

And so now I’m screwing around…I have a final to write up…yeah it’s an all- nighter with a cat nap mixed in :-) It’s not too much to write, just about five pages. And then about two hours of studying to do. And I should be good to go. And I found out I got a 92 on the paper I wrote starting at 3:00am and was due the next day. Not too shabby.

And had a great talk about autism too with one of the mom’s. My connection with the kids is just so bizarre sometimes. The way I reach them and the way they can learn. And it’s not just a few kids, but thus far all the kids I’ve come into contact with, I’ve connected with in some way. And with my youngest guy- everyone said he wouldn’t talk, he wouldn’t be functional etc. I said Bull Shit, from the first day...and being the confident jackass that I am, even said he would talk. I didn’t even blink an eye- there was no if, and or but about it. There is no reason to put an expectation on a child that hasn’t even been given a chance. Nothing will motivate me more. And he did motivate me to work my ass for him…there’s just something in him, something about him. And so here he is…on the border of talking, and going from severely autistic to moderately autistic. I just recently discovered how to really teach him the labels of different items, which is a huge thing. We need to build his vocabulary big time and finally, almost a year later we’ve got it! And his receptive commands (being able to tell him to go do something or to come here etc.) are finally coming along…and he will start treatment after the new year (AIT- Auditory Integration Therapy) for two weeks to aid in his being able to differentiate different sounds. Thus, helping the receptive commands. If we’ve got the Labels, the commands and his beginning to talk in place…he’s really going to start moving along in therapy. This kid is smart- he has shown that and proved the critics wrong. And proved one of my theories right.

So many people concentrate on the number of hours a child receives for therapy. It’s generally considered that a child needs 30-40 hours a week of therapy to become “recovered” or at least high functioning. Well, I think sometimes that is crap. This kiddo has received crap hours. He is the kid I do for free because his parents can’t afford to hire someone. We were able to score some community service students and some interns, so he’s had maybe 10-12 hours a week, but they all work on what he has learned already or play skills. So he gets about 4-6 hours of therapy with me a week. In the past he received more, like over the summer between 10-20 as I lived with them. But in the world of autism his therapy hours are considered super low. Well, I think it’s the quality of the therapist and therapy that matters WAY more than the number of hours. He proves it already. Especially if he moves from severely to moderately affected. He seriously was at the lowest possible rung by all professionals. He sat and stared at a wall all day. And now…he babbles around the house, playing with siblings, playing with toys, watching movies and flipping through books. My estimate is his first word will come in six to eight months or less and he’s finally starting to build a vocabulary and listen and follow commands. He defy’s everything and everyone’s expectations. All he needed was someone to care and TEACH him…the way he learns. A therapist cannot just give therapy the exact way they were taught. Or be rigid or uncaring or unenthusiastic. You must teach the way they can learn, no matter how that is- you have to figure that out!!! That is the job!! This is a child’s life!! Thinking outside of the box…should be in the job description. I test high for that ;-)

But anyway. I got off on a tangent. I just get so caught up in that. He’s just the poster boy for both the therapy I do and the quality over quantity. I know the research studies employed did not have the whole quality of therapy thing down…so of course the results are going to indicate number of hours. But I digress. Back to me.

So yeah, in the back of my mind, still thinking on things. I still…still hate…stuff. I still feel like a bomb exploded in my head and I’m struggling to pick up the pieces and put them all together and make them fit. I wish I could just sit down, dump the contents out, do the puzzle and then be fine. That’d be nice. Instead, I’m in for a journey. And I don’t know when it will end and I hate that. I like to know that there is a definite beginning and end. I never know if I’m still at the beginning, middle or end. And that is frustrating

Or knowing how much I still have yet to overcome. That can be draining. And the constant fighting. Or better yet…never knowing if my good mood is real or not. Like now, when I’m highly talkative, in a great mood, hyper, typing my fastest….and go off on autism tangents and want to change the world of autism. In my mind I’m thinking I’m going to do this, this and this. And my thoughts are racing a mile a minute. Etc. So I have to stop myself and add reality in, stop myself…it’s damn hard and so I wonder if I’m not flipping a little too much to one side. Ugh. That weighs on ya. Always doing a little self checking and regulation, that I wouldn’t normally have to do.

Well, it’s getting to be 3am now…I better start on my shit to do. Enjoy my rant. Half me, half autism…at least y’all get a hint about my passion. Night.

12-10
All I can really say is, what a fucking day. It started out really well, I was chillin’ with my “family” here in my college town and things were good. Then I went to therapy and things just went downhill from there. Things were fine in therapy until we talked about me still hating myself and feeling good enough- but I’ll get to that later. Then I did therapy with a kiddo- and that was wonderful- he did awesome. Then I was late to my research meeting, they were just finishing. So I found out what I missed from my prof and then we discussed whether or not I should take this one course next semester, but I think I knew the answer before we talked- no- because it is an extra class and I need to concentrate on the other two. So my mood was just kinda dark. Therapy with the kid was the only non dark time I had from 2:30 on.

And then, the unimaginable happened- my computer screen went blank…and would not turn on. No lights- no nothing. It was dead as a door nail. I was freakin’ because I had just sat down to pour out my heart, as I was brimming with emotions. I was so angry and pissed and didn’t know what to do. So I called my Dad since he’s a computer genius and he wasn’t sure what was wrong. Well we eventually got to the point where we decided I was going to call their support line.

But before I did that, I had to at least try and fix it- it’s my nature. So I unscrewed it and took a look, cleaned up some parts, played around with another part and then a half hour later- plugged it in and low and behold- LIGHTS! I declared that I was a fucking genius lol. So yeah, computer crisis averted. I would have been sunk otherwise. The computer is very important to my life- it’s a life line to many different avenues in my life.

So now back to not feeling good enough. The “thing” that caused me to crawl into a deep hole. It’s just this feeling I have constantly nagging. I KNOW cognitively that there is no cause for me to feel that way…I can tick off some accomplishments…but still I drive myself so hard and I don’t even know whose standards I am matching myself up against anymore. I used to be driven of course by my parents…or rather my mom up until about my freshman year of college when my mom woke up and was like, maybe she really is trying her best, yet even now inserting comments here and there. So 20 years of being pushed or made to believe I was not good enough unless certain things were accomplished- well they have certainly taken its toll.

Now it’s so internalized, I don’t know where my own voice is. I am so conflicted inside between what I know and what I feel…or how I act. I mean there is evidence that I should feel good enough, that I should like myself. Yet I see evidence to the contrary at the same time. Evidence to the contrary would be things like the problems I have staying organized, my forgetting to do things, despite writing them down, and sometimes waiting until the last minute to do things. Though, if you look up ADHD- those are all of the symptoms of that. But I don’t want to use that as an excuse- I SHOULD (the hell with cognitive distortions) be able to not screw all that stuff up.

I guess I think school sums up my failure as I’ve not done too well- as I’ve spent most of my college years trying to figure out if I’m going to live or die. And then of course I’ve fucked up every relationship I’ve had in college, until I was left with none. So I’m trying to build my life again with little support from anyone. That’s not too fun let me tell you. I won’t even get into what loneliness feels like right now. And then me, struggling with all my issues. They’re like never-ending.

I was in a good mood for several days. But today I realized that the only reason I was in a good mood, was because I took a mental health “break.” I said the hell with my brain and put it on hold. I just went on automatic. And so my mood elevated. And then pop…reality set in and a dark storm cloud appeared.

I hate myself…so much. I hate the position I’m in, I hate the fact that I think I’ve wasted some of my college years, I hate that I drove people away from me, I hate that I can’t reach out now, I hate my scarred arms, yet I’ll keep doing it, I hate the dark suicidal thoughts that flash through my mind, I hate that I can’t sleep without a pill, I hate that I can’t get my head together without many pills, I hate my body for causing so much physical pain, I hate me!!!

What’s to like? What is there to like about me? From my perspective?? Not from someone else’s perspective, but from mine. What is there possibly about me that I could like?

And I’m so tired of fighting. Why do I have to fight so much and so often, and so long. I mean how long, how hard and how often are you supposed to fight. I’m just tired again I suppose, as I look toward the long road ahead of me. Makes you wonder sometimes if it’s worth it.

I just don’t know how to feel good enough. I don’t know what else to do. I’m confused, conflicted and exhausted. Not to mention the excruciating pain I’m currently in with my back. I can hide it well, as I’ve lived most of my life with it. Just like everything else- pain, whether physical or emotional- I can hide. But oh how I can’t wait to see the doctor tomorrow. I just hope I’m not a dumbass and downplay my symptoms.

See one of those little stories that I always forget to tell- Any ache or pain I ever uttered a word about was seen as complaining or better yet- a result of lack of exercise and that I was just a hypochondriac. I never knew how they came to that conclusion, seeing as how I rarely said a word unless it really hurt a ton. I’ll admit when my parents were divorcing I had a lot of somatic symptoms- but as a 20 year old, I see that as me trying to reach out and get some attention from both my parents. But they took that a little too far and into my teen years. And so now, anytime I have any kind of physical discomfort I keep my mouth shut and normally just deal with it.

But this time- I can’t even work. So it needs to be resolved and damned if I’ll let any one stand in my way. It’s threatened my livelihood I guess. That can motivate you somewhat.

Too tired to continue…night.

12-6
Quick update to the bottom rant. I mentioned my back pain below. And low and behold was on a message board about how people with chronic pain also get the same unsympathetic comments that many people with depression endure at times. Like my family, my chronic back pain- just passed over. But here is what I read:

"Chronic pain is another condition wherein a person can often find little help or empathy from others. There are numerous times when a person who suffers from chronic pain never appears to be suffering at all. For example, those with severely ruptured discs in the spine/backbone area will not appear to be in pain, nor will they be readily able to show to the outside world their source of pain. A source of back pain can often be almost completely invisible, even to the eye of a neurosurgeon, and they very often must take the word of the patient about their symptoms. Sure, someone with an arm in a cast or another person on crutches, we can readily acknowledge their "right" to complain about pain. But there are so many people, with back problems, cancer and such, whose pain we cannot obviously appreciate or acknowledge.

I have the little ruptured disc thing going on now- though I suspect I may have done it years ago and it could just be getting worse. But like the articles said- I do go on in my life like I have no pain. Over the course of the years, I have different thresholds- the pain is ALWAYS there, but I don't feel it because it's normal to me. And I've learned "no pain, no gain". This holds true for my knee's and back. And I do show fatigue. Especially after working with "my kids"...during therapy with them I am fine- all energy is concentrated with them. But afterwards, I am drained mentally and physically. Sometimes with "my kids" I have to use physically prompting them, or lifting them, or trying to get them to sit down while they are yelling and kicking or punching. Those are some of the times that I feel the back pain later on. But I grin and bare it, take out my advil and the pain is gone. Day after day, I just live my life like I don't have an intense pain. But that little article made me stop and think about how this pain has affected my life- it DOES get tiring after a while- I have a lot of emotional pain as you all know...but here I have always had this physical pain as well to go with all the stress in my life. That really helps feed into my moods, esp. when they start to go down.

So yeah, just had to write about this. Now time to go lay down. If anybody out there reads this and prays...maybe sneak one in for me and my back...once out of these last six years or so I could use a break from this pain. Thanks ;-) Night again!

12-6
Ah, so it’s been a little while since I’ve written. I would say the newest thing to happen to me is my back- it’s been a problem for me since I was 14 years old. I’ve had real bad sciatica, had it out of shape, been to chiropractor- that was just when I was b/w 14-15…after that it was getting expensive and I guess my parents thought that the pain couldn’t be that bad or that I was out of shape, so pretty much- I had to keep my mouth shut about how bad it hurt. Until now.

On Thursday, I sat down and pain ripped through my body and left me on the floor in withering pain. That never happens. And since then…it’s hurt like hell- so I went online and I had every symptom of a herniated disc. There were one or two other things it could be, but more serious- so I’m betting on herniated disc. Ouch…hurts so bad. So I’m going to call my doc and see what’s up. Did really ask parents, just told them that I was making an appt because it hurts to do much of anything. And I cancelled two days of work. I never do that, never…you know I’m in pain if I cancel work with my kids. I didn’t even cancel a day of work when I was suicidal in September. So, my luck…or lack there of continues.

Friday I had fun with my “family” here in my college town. We just chilled and watched some movies. I kept ice on my back. Then I proceeded to just sleep Saturday (today). I was/am in pain and just needed to catch up. I’d been sleep deprived. And then as soon I woke up, I got ready to go to the Christmas parade here in my town. The parade was fun, but COLD. I was frozen to the bone. And then when it was over and I went to walk away…my knee had gone stiff and weak…ugh…and back hurts so bad now. But hell, was worth it- got out of my room and did something fun and I felt connected further to my town.

So here I am, Advil pumping through my body…though not working. But oh well. I was checking out mail and website etc…a friend of mine contacted me. We dated I think for about a month. He’ll probably read this as he knows my website here :-) But unfortunately for him- he saw me when my moods, due to the good ole bipolar was running rampant- I was up and down and completely unstable then…I had also just started therapy with my kickass therapist and my views were starting to be challenged. He was an awesome guy…guess at the wrong time- we shared so many of the same interests and he was so understanding. I for sure ruined it, but at the time I was probably the most unstable I had ever been and my world had started it’s downward fall and started to get turned upside down.

Here I am though, over a year later…and stability is finally starting to set it. It will be nice to talk to him and see where he is at in his life. I often thought of him from time to time. I almost sent him an email a couple of times to see how he was. I think I hurt him a lot- I was pretty messed up back then. Man, I am thinking right now how bad it was then lol. I was a nut case! But I feel good right now. Things are calming and just life is getting so much clearer. I’m cleaning up my life…picking up the pieces one by one by one. But there is no glue involved. My life is simply being re-hauled. It is being built from the bottom up this time around.  

No more band aid’s, no more pieces together with glue. I’m doing things right this time around. At least I hope so. I’m learning that some things in my head aren’t going to just change, so I need to find ways to make it work. And some people in my life aren’t going to change…so I have work around that.

And the past…I’m digging through it now. Trying to hang on and get past this unstable part of me. But I seem to be doing so far so good. Alright, I need to lay down again…back hurting. Hope everyone’s doing okay. And to my friend, old flame- sorry for any mess I made a year ago, thank you for your current message and I can’t wait for us to talk again :-)

Night everyone.

12-4
Well it is now 3:00am and I finally decided to start my fifteen page research paper...due tomorrow at 3:30pm. Why start now? Well, first- research has been completed- exhaustively so. And all-in-all...it will probably only take me a few hours to get it all out and then a little editing. I am much better with words than I am with anything else. Besides- it's on autism...yeah a subject I think I know a bit about.

But before I wrote it, I needed to get thoughts out- so I could focus. You see- I told myself I was going to start writing it at 10:00pm. What happened in the five hours since then? Let's see- I got interested in reading these articles, then that led me to a whole other set of articles and things snow-balled from there...and then I couldn't find some stuff, so I went on a hunt- and when I go to look for things- I get side-tracked. Meaning, I find other pieces of paper, and end up reading a bunch of those, then suddenly realize an hour later that I was supposed to be searching for this other thing. See how five hours can go by in a hurry? Tonight is not going to be about abuse or if I feel sad, angry or whatever else my emotions like to feel.

As it stands now, I've had several diagnosis', doctors, therapists, hospitalizations and medications. Currently I've found the right therapist, the right doctor and the right medications, it seems. The doc thinks its Bipolar and probably ADD. The Bipolar can be sketchy- some people think absolutely that I have, others think it may be more emotionally based- at this point I don't care- as long as I'm on a mood stabilizer drug and my mood is FINALLY stable...I am happy as a lark. Now the ADD- I will not doubt for one second. I've read up on it, especially when I first suspected it. But tonight I did an even bigger search, especially since tomorrow in my neuropsychology class someone is giving a presentation on it.

Below, you will find an article that I found- in it you will find my lifestyle...how my brain works. Why when I clean my room, two days later a tornado hit. Why I can't remember things said to me five minutes earlier, or put things in the short term memory bank and work with it. Why I sit and fiddle and doodle just to pay attention. Why I have no sense of time. Put me in a book store and I'd stay there all day and swear it was only a few hours. Or give me a task I have no interest in and I can't sustain a focus no matter how hard I want to. But give me something that stimulates my brain and suddenly I'm brilliant.

As I was looking through my stuff tonight trying to find this syllabus that I lost...I ran across so many notes that I have taken just this semester, on little pieces of paper or here and there, anything to help me remember and I'm sure I forgot even those. And then there are the nights like this one. All semester to do a paper. It's the night before and I'm doing it. I needed the pressure. I needed the excitement, the adrenaline rush. The thought of an all-nighter made me smile. And then of course, I lost track lol. So here I am, getting rid of the last little bit of stray thoughts that I had so I can finally get on with this paper. So yeah, I'm all about the ADD. Plus the fact that I know it runs in my family, can't tell you how many cousins were diagnosed and my dad admitted he probably could have been diagnosed.

And I look back to my childhood and most definitely high school...and if you look closely enough- the signs were there. First and foremost was the disorganization- that has stayed with me from day one. I have always had a messy room, back pack, desk, locker- you name it. And my notes, when I got to the age of note-taking. Notes are always disorganized. But I was reading one article that specifically talked about ADD in girls. There were several ways in which signs could be seen- from the extremely talkative, chatty, hyper, social girl to the tom-boys who took the risks and ran with the boys, very hyper etc. The site said that the girls are often cooperative at home and work hard to please parents and teachers (versus ADD boys who tend to act out). But their handwriting would be messy, would be disorganized and rush out of the door for next activity- leaving behind a mess. Yeah that was so me as a child and then they spoke of the gifted girl with ADD, who had a high intelligence etc. With this girl, they said ADD may escape unnoticed because of her above average intelligence etc. until middle school, high school or later when school life gets more demanding etc- and that's when problems with concentration, organization and follow through are more prominent etc. That is SO me as well- in my elementary school years I was in the Talented and Gifted Program with the D.O.D. school system. And in middle school I continued on that track. It was when I moved to a more intensive school system that relied heavily on organization that I began to fall apart in the that area, and it took until my Junior year of high school to begin to get in sync and luckily haul ass to make superior grades the rest of the time. And I had that wild manic period from summer before senior year till about January of senior year.

Oh and tact- I can't tell you how many times my mom has said that I needed to develop a sense of tactfulness...and here I thought I was just being honest...but perhaps, its because I just had the whole talk before you think thing going on...which in all reality- I would tend to agree with. I can do that. Well...do do that. Guess I better work on that one too...at least now, most of the things I say are considered funny- in college I've really gotten the class clown or the sarcastic talker roles...those are fun ones! Kind of hides the fact that I talk before I think!

But the point is- I see that clearly in my mind- the way it manifests itself in my life every day. Every personal account I read, I see myself nodding my head numerous times etc.

Which is why I am already thinking of ways I have finally decided to get organized. That will hopefully start next semester. My brain is just not wired the way it needs to be and that isn't going to change...so the way I do things needs to change. And so that is what this rant is about. Realizing that one of the recent things about this huge growth in me is that there are really things wrong with me. I do have ADD, of that I'm certain, and because of that, I have a HUGE overhaul of my life to do. I read over and over tonight about habit. Organization needs to become habit. So that is what my new dedication needs to be. Start new habits. My parents have been asking me what I want for Christmas- finally decided- need one of them Palm Pilots. Keeps everything there...and alarms to remind me when I need to do stuff etc. Now I just have to keep reminding myself to tell my mom that when I call her lol. Anyway...below you'll find one of the first things I read that put me way off track to do this paper. But there, now I'm done, curiosity fed :-) Time to do work :-)

What's It Like To Have Add?

by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.
Copyright (C) 1992

What is it like to have ADD? What is the feel of the syndrome? I have a short talk that I often give to groups as an introduction to the subjective experience of ADD and what it is like to live with it:

Attention Deficit Disorder. First of all I resent the term. As far as I'm concerned most people have Attention Surplus Disorder. I mean, life being what it is, who can pay attention to anything for very long? Is it really a sign of mental health to be able to balance your checkbook, sit still in your chair, and never speak out of turn? As far as I can see, many people who don't have ADD are charter members of the Congenitally Boring.

But anyway, be that as it may, there is this syndrome called ADD or ADHD, depending on what book you read. So what's it like to have ADD? Some people say the so-called syndrome doesn't even exist, but believe me, it does. Many metaphors come to mind to describe it. It's like driving in the rain with bad windshield wipers. Everything is smudged and blurred and you're speeding along, and it's reeeeally frustrating not being able to see very well. Or it's like listening to a radio station with a lot of static and you have to strain to hear what's going on. Or, it's like trying to build a house of cards in a dust storm. You have to build a structure to protect yourself from the wind before you can even start on the cards.

In other ways it's like being super-charged all the time. You get one idea and you have to act on it, and then, what do you know, but you've got another idea before you've finished up with the first one, and so you go for that one, but of course a third idea intercepts the second, and you just have to follow that one, and pretty soon people are calling you disorganized and impulsive and all sorts of impolite words that miss the point completely. Because you're trying really hard. It's just that you have all these invisible vectors pulling you this way and that which makes it really hard to stay on task.

Plus which, you're spilling over all the time. You're drumming your fingers, tapping your feet, humming a song, whistling, looking here, looking there, scratching, stretching, doodling, and people think you're not paying attention or that you're not interested, but all you're doing is spilling over so that you can pay attention. I can pay a lot better attention when I'm taking a walk or listening to music or even when I'm in a crowded, noisy room than when I'm still and surrounded by silence. God save me from the reading rooms. Have you ever been into the one in Widener Library? The only thing that saves it is that so many of the people who use it have ADD that there's a constant soothing bustle.

What is it like to have ADD? Buzzing. Being here and there and everywhere. Someone once said, "Time is the thing that keeps everything from happening all at once." Time parcels moments out into separate bits so that we can do one thing at a time. In ADD, this does not happen. In ADD, time collapses. Time becomes a black hole. To the person with ADD it feels as if everything is happening all at once. This creates a sense of inner turmoil or even panic. The individual loses perspective and the ability to prioritize. He or she is always on the go, trying to keep the world from caving in on top.

Museums. (Have you noticed how I skip around? That's part of the deal. I change channels a lot. And radio stations. Drives my wife nuts. "Can't we listen to just one song all the way through?") Anyway, museums. The way I go through a museum is the way some people go through Filene's basement. Some of this, some of that, oh, this one looks nice, but what about that rack over there? Gotta hurry, gotta run. It's not that I don't like art. I love art. But my way of loving it makes most people think I'm a real Philistine. On the other hand, sometimes I can sit and look at one painting for a long while. I'll get into the world of the painting and buzz around in there until I forget about everything else. In these moments I, like most people with ADD, can hyperfocus, which gives the lie to the notion that we can never pay attention. Sometimes we have turbocharged focusing abilities. It just depends upon the situation.

Lines. I'm almost incapable of waiting in lines. I just can't wait, you see. That's the hell of it. Impulse leads to action. I'm very short on what you might call the intermediate reflective step between impulse and action. That's why I, like so many people with ADD, lack tact. Tact is entirely dependent on the ability to consider one's words before uttering them. We ADD types don't do this so well. I remember in the fifth grade I noticed my math teacher's hair in a new style and blurted out, "Mr. Cook, is that a toupee you're wearing?" I got kicked out of class. I've since learned how to say these inappropriate things in such a way or at such a time that they can in fact be helpful. But it has taken time. That's the thing about ADD. It takes a lot of adapting to get on in life. But it certainly can be done, and be done very well.

As you might imagine, intimacy can be a problem if you've got to be constantly changing the subject, pacing, scratching and blurting out tactless remarks. My wife has learned not to take my tuning out personally, and she says that when I'm there, I'm really there. At first, when we met, she thought I was some kind of nut, as I would bolt out of restaurants at the end of meals or disappear to another planet during a conversation. Now she has grown accustomed to my sudden coming and goings.

Many of us with ADD crave high-stimulus situations. In my case, I love the racetrack. And I love the high-intensity crucible of doing psychotherapy. And I love having lots of people around. Obviously this tendency can get you into trouble, which is why ADD is high among criminals and self-destructive risk-takers. It is also high among so-called Type A personalities, as well as among manic-depressives, sociopaths and criminals, violent people, drug abusers, and alcoholics. But is is also high among creative and intuitive people in all fields, and among highly energetic, highly productive people.

Which is to say there is a positive side to all this. Usually the positive doesn't get mentioned when people speak about ADD because there is a natural tendency to focus on what goes wrong, or at least on what has to be somehow controlled. But often once the ADD has been diagnosed, and the child or the adult, with the help of teachers and parents or spouses, friends, and colleagues, has learned how to cope with it, an untapped realm of the brain swims into view. Suddenly the radio station is tuned in, the windshield is clear, the sand storm has died down. And the child or adult, who had been such a problem, such a nudge, such a general pain in the neck to himself and everybody else, that person starts doing things he'd never been able to do before. He surprises everyone around him, and he surprises himself. I use the male pronoun, but it could just as easily be she, as we are seeing more and more ADD among females as we are looking for it.

Often these people are highly imaginative and intuitive. They have a "feel" for things, a way of seeing right into the heart of matters while others have to reason their way along methodically. This is the person who can't explain how he thought of the solution, or where the idea for the story came from, or why suddenly he produced such a painting, or how he knew the short cut to the answer, but all he can say is he just knew it, he could feel it. This is the man or woman who makes million dollar deals in a catnap and pulls them off the next day. This is the child who, having been reprimanded for blurting something out, is then praised for having blurted out something brilliant. These are the people who learn and know and do and go by touch and feel.

These people can feel a lot. In places where most of us are blind, they can, if not see the light, at least feel the light, and they can produce answers apparently out of the dark. It is important for others to be sensitive to this "sixth sense" many ADD people have, and to nurture it. If the environment insists on rational, linear thinking and "good" behavior from these people all the time, then they may never develop their intuitive style to the point where they can use it profitably. It can be exasperating to listen to people talk. They can sound so vague or rambling. But if you take them seriously and grope along with them, often you will find they are on the brink of startling conclusions or surprising solutions.

What I am saying is that their cognitive style is qualitatively different from most people's, and what may seem impaired, with patience and encouragement may become gifted.

The thing to remember is that if the diagnosis can be made, then most of the bad stuff associated with ADD can be avoided or contained. The diagnosis can be liberating, particularly for people who have been stuck with labels like, "lazy", "stubborn", "willful", "disruptive", "impossible", "tyrannical", "aspaceshot", "brain damaged", "stupid", or just plain "bad". Making the diagnosis of ADD can take the case from the court of moral judgment to the clinic of neuropsychiatric treatment.

What is the treatment all about? Anything that turns down the noise. Just making the diagnosis helps turn down the noise of guilt and self-recrimination. Building certain kinds of structure into one's life can help a lot. Working in small spurts rather than long hauls. Breaking tasks down into smaller tasks. Making lists. Getting help where you need it, whether it's having a secretary, or an accountant, or an automatic bank teller, or a good filing system, or a home computer, getting help where you need it. Maybe applying external limits on your impulses. Or getting enough exercise to work off some of the noise inside. Finding support. Getting someone in your corner to coach you, to keep you on track. Medication can help a great deal too, but it is far from the whole solution. The good news is that treatment can really help.

Let me leave you by telling you that we need your help and understanding. We may make mess-piles wherever we go, but with your help, those mess-piles can be turned into realms of reason and art. So, if you know someone like me who's acting up and daydreaming and forgetting this or that and just not getting with the program, consider ADD before he starts believing all the bad things people are saying about him and it's too late.

The main point of the talk is that there is a more complex subjective experience to ADD than a list of symptoms can possibly impart. ADD is a way of life, and until recently it has been hidden, even from the view of those who have it. The human experience of ADD is more than just a collection of symptoms. It is a way of living. Before the syndrome is diagnosed that way of living may be filled with pain and misunderstanding. After the diagnosis is made, one often finds new possibilities and the chance for real change.

The adult syndrome of ADD, so long unrecognized, is now at last bursting upon the scene. Thankfully, millions of adults who have had to think of themselves as defective or unable to get their acts together, will instead be able to make the most of their considerable abilities. It is a hopeful time indeed.
Okay that was the little article- time to write...night!

12-2
So I’m a little torn up right now. My heart is weeping. Another loss to add to the pile. As much as I thought it wouldn’t hurt if my old flame shut the door, I never expected it to hurt this much. I am very angry at the world tonight. Very angry at everybody that ever hurt me in my life, angry at being “sick,” angry that I have to take these pills so I can function normally, angry that I have to be healed, and angry that the only time I got to spend time with the love of my life is when I was sick. And now when I’m finally getting healthy, finally opening up…he’s gone and I can’t get him back. At least not now. Yes- I plan on fighting until someone can prove to me that he isn’t the one.

Even he admitted that he can’t go back, risk having to go through hell and that he does care for the one he’s with very much. I want to break her legs I think. The very characteristics I love about this man, are the very ones that in part keep me from another chance.

But I wasted all of my changes. Wasted, wasted, wasted. I carry around good memories, but there are bad ones too- all bad ones of me acting out. Why can’t he love me while I’m healthy? Why, why oh why did he have to love me then? To help get me through it? To help prove that someone can love me and not hurt me? Sure that is all well and good- but I would gladly give up that time to have him here and now and the future. Or is this a challenge? A test…can I hold on, can I prove my love. Or is he the right guy at the wrong time? Or is he just not the one for me? I don’t know because I’ve never met anyone else that I feel this much love for.

And yeah, I am lonely, as most friends were driven away and my longing to have him physically here is probably fed from that. But my love- that’s real. He’s the one I want to call up and just go on a camping trip out of the blue. Or watch star trek movies all night…or just lie in a field and watch the stars. And I can’t do that. That rips me apart inside.

I don’t know how healthy it was to make myself this vulnerable to someone I knew would probably not reciprocate. Probably not very bright, considering what I’m going through right now. But he needed to know. And I couldn’t let another day pass…another day for him to step further away from me. And yet, I know I couldn’t have done this sooner. I wasn’t “there” yet.

Ah, but I just can’t get by the fact that I only had him when I was pretty messed up. You’d think after all the shit I’ve been through, this world, my God, would be kind enough to grant this one tiny request. I don’t even need a lifetime…just a chance, just need to know that when I’m healthy we’re not meant for each other.

I just find it incredible that I was able to find Josh, while I was still pretty locked up tight, blind fold tightly on- no therapy, no meds, no nothing…and yet, I found him, I became vulnerable to him…I loved him, at least to the extent I could love then. I let him touch me, not just physically, but emotionally in places I had long locked up. How could he reach me, how could I find him then.

I think it’s a horrendous act to let me see that, to know that I found him with blinders on, searching in the darkness, yet when its finally taken off, he’s beyond my grasp…I can see him and…can’t hold onto him.

Who knows, maybe at some point in the future we’ll have a future. He needs his time to explore other people, as this is only his second girlfriend…I’ve had multiple boyfriends. Then again, he is very serious and doesn’t make decisions fast or impulsive. When he’s with someone…it’s long term and is going to take something drastic to break it off. So yeah, I’m more than a little worried. Is there anything I can do?

I better end this…I’ve cried three times through this, wanted to punch the wall multiple times and shout to God, asking why this happened. What a freakin load of crap. I know life isn’t fair…I’ve dealt with that…but this small thing…I just…I want to be cut a little break. Just have something go my way, because as yet not much has been. So I am going to quit writing for now, cry and then write some more. Night.

12-2
Here I am- facing what I’ve been running from most of my life. It’s been pulled from the safe box and sits before me. While it feels good to have talked about some of it- to have my feelings validated, to finally realize exactly what happened and the impacts of it all. Yet, at the same time it leaves far, far more vulnerable than I have ever been. I feel like I’m walking on a tight rope without the balancing bar. And I’m trying so hard not to fall off right now. I remember the last time my thoughts were really, really challenged, in the beginning of therapy and I crashed. And then when I admitted to sexual abuse I crashed. I will NOT let this happen again. I will not live through another depression…meaning that if I crash again, you can bet your ass it will end in not a very pretty fashion.

So I’m walking this tight rope and I am a little off, its getting hard to stay on it…but I kick ass in sports, so surely I can keep my balance. Guess we will see. Today is a little better. Still a little off, but not frozen. I guess it’s just incredible to me, what the mind can do- how it can suppress some things, how it can twist situations, how it can blind you to the facts and the truth that lay before you. Absolutely incredible. And then, when the blinders come off- you’re left with a crushing truth.

And crush it does- it crushes the walls built so strong…and out flows emotions. So now, I guess I have to deal with the thing called “emotions.” But first- I’ve got to remove some more walls that are still up. If I’m going to take the blinders off and open up completely- I have one shot to do this right- I can’t imagine stepping away from this and coming back to it. It was hard enough the first time.

Anyhow…those are my clearer thoughts this morning. Have a good day everyone.

12-2
"Changes" by 3 Doors Down

I'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath the weight of the world

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm running, shaking
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes

***Added this because its how I feel right now...pretty much almost exactly. And if you get a chance to hear it- to feel it through and through...I feel so much through that song.

12-2
My mind locked up tonight. I think I spent four hours doing nothing, absolutely nothing. My brain was on a freeze. I sat in the same place for four hours, held myself in about the same position for four hours…until finally I looked at the clock and decided that something needed to be done.

Yesterday, Monday, was a fairly important day for me…therapy wise. I talked about things I haven’t been able to talk about. And it was damn hard too…to not just lock up. A few times I didn’t think I could answer her, but I was able to somehow. I held back some, just because I couldn’t bear some things.

And then, the day went on- I went on to do therapy with a kiddo, that went super well, I was in a super good mood, and then on my way home I stopped at my “family”’s house here in my town. (the kid I do for free). For a good thirty minutes it was an all out tickle-fest for him. I got a kick out of that because it used to be such a rarity to see him laugh like that- and then to just start off laughing right when I get there. And he greeted me with a smile. So it was a mini- play session. I left there, still in a good mood. But somewhere between leaving there and getting back to my dorm, something in side me locked up.

I feel like shit now and exhausted- not physically at all, but emotionally. So many emotions at once I guess. During the session I was getting angry at my parents all over again. When you lay some things out and its there in black and white…and compare it to the present…just…just makes you damn angry.

At any rate, I think my brain is doing what it always does- when someone gets too close it pulls back or shuts away. The part of me that hates that these secrets are out erects a wall that I must push through yet again.

I feel…very anxiety ridden, it’s like instantly my mind turns dark. I suddenly feel like a fuck-up, I don’t want to face people tomorrow and suddenly all this excitement over starting life and maybe a relationship again has faded and all I want to do is hide. This is not good. Maybe it’s all the shame I still feel, that I still just don’t get that it wasn’t my fault (referring to a certain abuse)…and the anger over the past and sadness of what I’ve lost.

I am making progress. But I guess its two steps forward, one step back or something like that. I feel very, very unsteady right now…like if something bad or negative happens right now it could send me crashing down. So I am doing my best to watch out for the negative and capitalize on the positive. And not make any rash or impulsive decisions. I gotta keep it together- despite the fact that I feel like I’m falling apart.

So…here I am. Though I’m not sure where “here” is…the fact is I am here. I just need to figure things out. Like what to do when I “freeze”…and start to move through my “shit.” And get my life organized, which is so very hard to do. So many things to do. So of course then I feel like cursing because I feel like I lose time- the time I spend alone and shut away from the world is lost time- time I’ve lost in the hospitals or time I lose because it just takes me longer to do some homework or that I can only do some things in short bursts. Or when I forget to do something because if I don’t do it right away it gets lost in this lousy brain. I just lose time and I hate that.

So perhaps I should quit losing time right now and just go to sleep. Sorry my rants are jumbled tonight y’all…so I’ll take my fucking pill, get up tomorrow, survive the day and just keep going. It’s what I do best- just keep going. It has to end up okay at the end, right? Let’s hope so. Night.

12-1
Well, I finally wrote about it...about some abuses that have occurred in my life. It was not easy. Some tears slipped down and some of it came at a cost. I could not get over some of the memories, like what exactly happened, so it took a long while to write, while tears quietly slipped down and I tried to think of ways to numb the pain. So finally I could write and finish both abuse stories. Do I feel a burden lifted? Honestly, I cannot tell you. I took Seroquel about an hour and ten minutes ago and it has kicked in. I am barely awake right now...so I will re-read what I wrote in the morning and see then.

By the way- you know how I said in the below rant that I won't remember what I wrote- I remembered that, so I did a self test- all I remembered was the Wellness thing- go me and my memory- NOT.

Alright, it's time to go to bed. It's been a long day between writing that stuff, and a host of other things...I have therapy tomorrow thank goodness...let's see how it turns out, there is so much I want to talk about. That's about it. Have a good night all.

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