|
MAY RANTS-
2003
5-25
Alright, it's the weekend and I've been on a sort of vacation since last Monday...first
I hate not working...it's driving me nuts. But most of all, I'm going nuts.
I see my father in a week.
I cannot
see him...it's too damn hard. That is my thought for the week. It's driving
me nuts. It's been six years and I'm about to see him...it's driving me nuts.
I'm too nervous, too scared and there is too much emotion. The emotions have
rendered me emotionLESS. Even my family has remarked as such. They have said
that compared to the previous week I was home, I am much much more emotionless.
And they are not the first to see that. I don't understand how that comes over
me. Is it too much emotion at once and I don't know how to handle it? I do not
know. But I just hope I can hold on. I'd rather keep busy, do familiar stuff.
That is so much easier.
So now
what do I do? How do I survive? How do I make it through this? For once I have
no answer.
5-21
Okay F*** F*** F*** F***…this is the second fucking time that my cpu has crashed
along with my page long rant!! I mean holy cow, what the fuck is going on! So
here I go with my comments which I’m pissed to be writing a third fucking time.
You are now going to get the short and sweet version:
Depressed
right now, maybe because I’m home? Mom and I have nothing in common.
Me: sporsts, children I work with, computers, reading, video games, brothers
etc.
Mom: shopping, clothes, make- up, superfiscial stuff, gossiping.
So yeah, not much compatibility.
Stuff about
father: I am scared to death to see him again and very nervous. Six years is
a long time. Not sure where he fits in or what...its just odd!!!
My mom for years has wanted me to regain contact with my father, and even said
she did not want me to end contact in the first place. Well I’m now remembering
why I chose to end it in the first place. My mom’s feelings are not behind her
words. We were talking about college graduation in the van today waiting for
my little brother and she blurts out, ‘you are not going to invite your biological
father are you, because that would upset your step father very much.” I didn’t
really say anything but thought two things. First: If he felt that way then
why doesn’t HE tell me himself? I am so sick of hearing her tell me what he
thinks, I’m beginning to wonder if those are her feelings and she is using him
to voice them. Second: If they supported me and this relationship, then they
would support me…they should be able to put those feeling away and be happy
for me, their daughter. But instead its all about them and their feelings and
its getting a little tiring. My mom never misses a beat to slight him.
I now remember
why I ended it all in the first place in part- I didn’t want to be in the middle
again and I needed to choose to be happy, so I chose and later paid dearly.
As a child, I should not have had to choose, but I did. Both sides despised
each other and I was the battleground, in which my mom won. But here we are
again, and I refuse to be the battleground…or rather we’ve been their but my
body has been the battleground…now I’m rejecting the war completely and trying
to get rid of the battlegrounds. I am not a war to be won, but a child wishing
to have parents to just love her. Just love me and support me and sometimes
just put your own selfish feelings aside…I did that for YEARS…why can’t they?
I know I cannot be the only adult in these relationships. But right now that
is how I feel. Even my father…he used to really put me in the spot light as
far as bad mouthing my mother and though he does not do that any more, I do
not forget. I was not blind as a child and it will take quite some time to forgive
if ever…sometimes I just go with the flow, but then other times, I remember
what he did and get angry and hurt all over again.
My brain
is tired…tired of all this fighting, both within myself and with my family.
I am pulled every which way and I just don’t know what to do anymore. So I lose
myself in school, in work, in everything else…I just lose myself because I don’t
know who to be any more. And I don’t know how to find who ‘me’ is. For years
I’ve carried the burden of being the adult in my family, having to push my feelings
aside for the good of the family, and now that they are surfacing I don’t know
how to get them out…while I’ve grown, my family hasn’t. I’ve been given the
illusion that everything is fine, while underneath it was all cracking.
My mom
doesn’t really want me to have a relationship…she’d rather him out of everyone’s
life. I once agreed, but now I’ve balked and decided to reclaim just a little
of my life and it’s making me fall apart. I feel like pleasing everyone, but
for once that is not going to cut it. I have to let someone down…who will that
be this time?
Well I’m
tired now, on more than one level. I hope soon I find the answers that I seek.
Or I feel something bad will come out of all of this. And I have a sneaking
suspiction that the bad thing will happen to me and most likely will come from
my hand, proving once and for all to everyone that I do exist, that I do have
feelings and that they never did listen. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted, was
to be listened to, to be understood and to be supported. Before it’s all too
late.
5-20
I am feeling so very emotionless right now. That has its good points and its
bad points. It's good because I talk a whole lot more- to my therapist, to friends
etc. But at the same time, I hate feeling this way. So I guess it's a double
edged sword. Some days are not too bad, but lately I just haven't been feeling
myself. It could be because I had to come home for a bit...but perhaps even
bigger- my father is coming in two weeks. I mean what a big deal- six years
gone by and now all the sudden I am going to see him. I don't know what to feel
about that or how to act. And better yet- I don't know what role he is to play
in my life. For now he is just kind of "there." If you think about
it- I already have a father- my step-father, so where does this other one play
in? What is his function, how am I supposed to act. Sometimes I forget everything
he's done...but then other times it comes back and I just get angry all over
again. I don't think I've forgiven him yet...I don't even know how to begin
to do that. For now I'm just sorta going with the flow and most importantly
I am not feeling- that is what is enabling me to be around him, to talk to him
etc. But for some reason, I sense something not good is going to happen. i don't
know what or how, but something just does not seem right...make sense? I know
I don't understand lol.
So I would say I am probably depressed right now. Having little feeling...or
rather feeling too much and making it numb...it's not good for me. That is when
I turn the most to self cutting, to pills, to not eating etc. When I become
too numb I blow up. And I hope to God, I do not do that. I have too much to
do right now to be screwing it up...but hey- that is what I love to do- screw
things up...
And I am
headed for a screw up very soon.
New poems:
This was written just a few days ago:
The Forever Decision
Thinking thoughts so insane,
Waging this war in my head.
Standing here in the rain,
Wishing this would all stop
And I'd finally feel no pain.
All day I live with this mask-
Smiling and laughing throughout my days,
While wondering how long this can last.
Finally, the cover falls
As the night falls fast.
The war rages on througout the night.
The body becoming the battlefield,
The soul determined to fight.
Red forever stains this night,
I'm slowly losing my sight.
Darkness descends over my eyes,
The light I can no longer see.
I'm caught within these lies,
No where to turn, no where to run-
It's time to say my goodbye's
The forever decision
That I'm about to make
Shows my clouded vision
And that I can no longer cope-
I make my final incision.
Left alone to die,
Just as I was alone alive.
I do not wonder why;
My life has no meaning,
Nothing left to do but sigh.
It's all over and done,
I cannot turn back now.
My darkness has won-
I give in, I give up,
I can no longer run.
As dawn nears, I begin to fade.
I've already lived life too much,
The debt I've finally paid,
And I am finally at peace
With the forever decision that I've made.
This was written about a week ago:
Blade in hand
Blade in hand,
Knowing just what to do-
Pain at my command,
To turmoil I bid adieu.
Everything becomes clear;
A sigh of relief,
There is nothing left to fear
As I fall into grief.
The blood- my tears;
The scars- my hidden pain;
All make me appear
As if I am really sane.
They are the only signs
That shout I am not right,
And truly define
My inward fight.
My Inside pain is finally real,
For once I feel alive-
I realize I’m not made of steel
And that I can survive.
Blade in hand,
Part loss, part gain;
My body does understand:
That this is my inward pain
This was written about three weeks ago:
Perfect
I just have to try harder,
I have to push farther.
I can make it-
I won't quit.
You'll love me if I can do this,
My feelings you won't dismiss
Because locked inside my heart
Lay those secrets in the dark.
Perfect I will become,
To weakness I will not succomb.
I swear I'm good
And I'll do everything I should.
Please don't stop loving me,
I can be better don't you see,
I can be all that you expect-
I can be perfect.
I am not sure when I wrote this, found among some paperwork:
A Wish For The Heart
A wish for the heart,
Trying to make myself a life,
Running away from the dark-
Leaving behind the knife.
Waiting for life to begin,
Searching the confines of my mind,
Wishing again and again
That life wouldn’t be so unkind.
My reality is shaded in crimson;
My world immersed in pain.
Deciding which way to run
To once again be sane.
I’m not sure when this was written, I just recently found it among some paperwork:
I Fall Once Again
I’m tired of crying these tears
That fall crimson red.
Afraid of looking in the mirror,
Wishing to take back what was said.
I’ll never rid myself of these scars
That have been carved upon the skin and the heart-
They keep me from runnin’ too far,
And make sure I remember the dark.
As I lay bleeding with the blade,
I wish for that end;
My life begins to fade,
Forever I cannot bend.
What will bring me to?
When will my reality set in?
This world can be so cruel,
And I fall once again.
I wrote this right after I regained contact with my father:
A World Apart
I’m caught in the middle again-
Caught on this runaway train,
No where to turn, no where to run,
My life begins to become undone.
Chaos at every turn,
A lack of concern-
Soon the trust begins to spiral down.
In these lies, I begin to drown.
Stability lost to insecurity,
Parents lost to immaturity.
Losing this child to anger,
Parent and child lines begin to blur.
Tears fall silently,
While the heart tears violently-
Wishing for a peace
Or a simple release.
Family becomes a dream;
A silent scream,
A last plea for sanity,
Cursing the parents’ vanity.
The family portrait
In two, forever split,
A life is shattered-
A child’s life torn and tattered.
Everything lays broken,
So many words unspoken;
A fortress built around the heart,
A family a world apart.
5-4
Still not feeling good, though I’ve been able to get some work done. It is so
hard to concentrate when all you can think about is hurting yourself. This sucks
for sure. I just don’t know what happened, what has been going on with me the
last few days.
It’s like I collided with a train…just a big SMACK. So now I’m taking my homework
in parts…I know I can’t do it all at once but at least I can do it in parts
and then tonight I can really hunker down and get it done.
I don’t really know what to say other than I just feel like I’m in a daze. I
read back over my rants from the last few days and I’ve definitely blown a fuse.
I knew the good times couldn’t last…it is Spring time…though I have yet to crash
enough for the hospital wahoo! I guess that is an accomplishment, however small.
Right now, I am realizing I need to take care of myself somewhat. I was supposed
to live with this one woman (co-worker and student) and watch her step-son while
she worked and went to class, but now I think I won’t. It will be big time stress…we
don’t get along like we used to, a bit of a falling out…and it will just be
soooo hard…I would literally be running from one thing to the next with no break.
As it is, I cram three therapy sessions for my kids on Saturday and that is
really hard, I don’t think I can do a full summer of that. I just need a breather…I
need some time to figure me out. I don’t want to live my life in crisis mode
any longer. So I guess I will speak to my therapist about this tomorrow and
get her thoughts. I just don’t know what to do. But I do have another family
that I can live with and there would be much less stress and lord forbid, I
might actually be happy.
One thing is for sure, things need to change. I have to figure this shit out.
I don’t like crashing. Mainly because it is so scary. There are times where
I don’t know if I am going to live. Like the night with the Wellbutrin…I just
gulped them, no thoughts involved. And the other night I was handling quite
a few of them and I came so close. Those are scary times for me, because I feel
somewhat out of control.
Well I better get back to trying to write my paper. Hope you guys are okay-
stay safe. Take care.
5-4
As night looms, I get worse. But I didn't feel safe placing this rant here.
If you want to view it, please click on this link:
Suicidal Rant
If you think you will be triggered, please don't go there...its not cutting triggering,
but still not pretty. Catch you guys later, take care.
5-3
I definitely feel like crap today. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I think
I want to get away from EVERYTHING…and I mean everything.
I’m tired of being there for everyone, I’m tired of being little miss perfect
(oxymoron of course), I’m tired of listening, I’m tired of talking, I’m tired
of fighting, I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of feeling down, I’m tired of feeling
up, I’m tired of overwhelming myself, I’m tired of procrastinating, I’m tired
of all my shit. I’m tired of the urges, I’m tired of the cutting, I’m tired
of wanting to die, and I’m tired of suicide attempts. I’m tired of taking medication;
I’m tired of staring at the pills wondering what to do. I’m tired of my body,
I’m tired of eating too much, I’m tired of eating too little, I’m tired of caring
for either. I’m tired of sleeping; I’m tired of staying awake all night. I’m
tired of nothing going my way; I’m tired of all good things coming, and then
a big boom. I’m tired of my unorganized brain; I’m tired of not being able to
get everything done. I’m tired of being the procrastinator; I’m tired of hyper
focusing. I’m tired of having two families, none of which I really belong too,
I’m tired of my mom’s crap and I’m tired of being pulled every which way. I’m
tired of doing everything for everyone else; I’m tired of feeling guilty. I’m
tired of saying yes, I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut.
I’m tired of EVERYTHING, good and bad that ever happens to me. I’m tired of
it all, and I just want it to all END!
New
Rants
June Rants
May Rants
April Rants
March Rants
Febuary Rants
January Rants
December Rants
November Rants
October Rants
September Rants
August Rants
July Rants
June Rants
May Rants
April Rants
March Rants
February Rants
January Rants
Something happened to my December rants, I'll try to find them!
November Rants
| |
MAY RANTS-
2003
5-25
Alright, it's the weekend and I've been on a sort of vacation since last Monday...first
I hate not working...it's driving me nuts. But most of all, I'm going nuts.
I see my father in a week.
I cannot
see him...it's too damn hard. That is my thought for the week. It's driving
me nuts. It's been six years and I'm about to see him...it's driving me nuts.
I'm too nervous, too scared and there is too much emotion. The emotions have
rendered me emotionLESS. Even my family has remarked as such. They have said
that compared to the previous week I was home, I am much much more emotionless.
And they are not the first to see that. I don't understand how that comes over
me. Is it too much emotion at once and I don't know how to handle it? I do not
know. But I just hope I can hold on. I'd rather keep busy, do familiar stuff.
That is so much easier.
So now
what do I do? How do I survive? How do I make it through this? For once I have
no answer.
5-21
Okay F*** F*** F*** F***…this is the second fucking time that my cpu has crashed
along with my page long rant!! I mean holy cow, what the fuck is going on! So
here I go with my comments which I’m pissed to be writing a third fucking time.
You are now going to get the short and sweet version:
Depressed
right now, maybe because I’m home? Mom and I have nothing in common.
Me: sporsts, children I work with, computers, reading, video games, brothers
etc.
Mom: shopping, clothes, make- up, superfiscial stuff, gossiping.
So yeah, not much compatibility.
Stuff about
father: I am scared to death to see him again and very nervous. Six years is
a long time. Not sure where he fits in or what...its just odd!!!
My mom for years has wanted me to regain contact with my father, and even said
she did not want me to end contact in the first place. Well I’m now remembering
why I chose to end it in the first place. My mom’s feelings are not behind her
words. We were talking about college graduation in the van today waiting for
my little brother and she blurts out, ‘you are not going to invite your biological
father are you, because that would upset your step father very much.” I didn’t
really say anything but thought two things. First: If he felt that way then
why doesn’t HE tell me himself? I am so sick of hearing her tell me what he
thinks, I’m beginning to wonder if those are her feelings and she is using him
to voice them. Second: If they supported me and this relationship, then they
would support me…they should be able to put those feeling away and be happy
for me, their daughter. But instead its all about them and their feelings and
its getting a little tiring. My mom never misses a beat to slight him.
I now remember
why I ended it all in the first place in part- I didn’t want to be in the middle
again and I needed to choose to be happy, so I chose and later paid dearly.
As a child, I should not have had to choose, but I did. Both sides despised
each other and I was the battleground, in which my mom won. But here we are
again, and I refuse to be the battleground…or rather we’ve been their but my
body has been the battleground…now I’m rejecting the war completely and trying
to get rid of the battlegrounds. I am not a war to be won, but a child wishing
to have parents to just love her. Just love me and support me and sometimes
just put your own selfish feelings aside…I did that for YEARS…why can’t they?
I know I cannot be the only adult in these relationships. But right now that
is how I feel. Even my father…he used to really put me in the spot light as
far as bad mouthing my mother and though he does not do that any more, I do
not forget. I was not blind as a child and it will take quite some time to forgive
if ever…sometimes I just go with the flow, but then other times, I remember
what he did and get angry and hurt all over again.
My brain
is tired…tired of all this fighting, both within myself and with my family.
I am pulled every which way and I just don’t know what to do anymore. So I lose
myself in school, in work, in everything else…I just lose myself because I don’t
know who to be any more. And I don’t know how to find who ‘me’ is. For years
I’ve carried the burden of being the adult in my family, having to push my feelings
aside for the good of the family, and now that they are surfacing I don’t know
how to get them out…while I’ve grown, my family hasn’t. I’ve been given the
illusion that everything is fine, while underneath it was all cracking.
My mom
doesn’t really want me to have a relationship…she’d rather him out of everyone’s
life. I once agreed, but now I’ve balked and decided to reclaim just a little
of my life and it’s making me fall apart. I feel like pleasing everyone, but
for once that is not going to cut it. I have to let someone down…who will that
be this time?
Well I’m
tired now, on more than one level. I hope soon I find the answers that I seek.
Or I feel something bad will come out of all of this. And I have a sneaking
suspiction that the bad thing will happen to me and most likely will come from
my hand, proving once and for all to everyone that I do exist, that I do have
feelings and that they never did listen. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted, was
to be listened to, to be understood and to be supported. Before it’s all too
late.
5-20
I am feeling so very emotionless right now. That has its good points and its
bad points. It's good because I talk a whole lot more- to my therapist, to friends
etc. But at the same time, I hate feeling this way. So I guess it's a double
edged sword. Some days are not too bad, but lately I just haven't been feeling
myself. It could be because I had to come home for a bit...but perhaps even
bigger- my father is coming in two weeks. I mean what a big deal- six years
gone by and now all the sudden I am going to see him. I don't know what to feel
about that or how to act. And better yet- I don't know what role he is to play
in my life. For now he is just kind of "there." If you think about
it- I already have a father- my step-father, so where does this other one play
in? What is his function, how am I supposed to act. Sometimes I forget everything
he's done...but then other times it comes back and I just get angry all over
again. I don't think I've forgiven him yet...I don't even know how to begin
to do that. For now I'm just sorta going with the flow and most importantly
I am not feeling- that is what is enabling me to be around him, to talk to him
etc. But for some reason, I sense something not good is going to happen. i don't
know what or how, but something just does not seem right...make sense? I know
I don't understand lol.
So I would say I am probably depressed right now. Having little feeling...or
rather feeling too much and making it numb...it's not good for me. That is when
I turn the most to self cutting, to pills, to not eating etc. When I become
too numb I blow up. And I hope to God, I do not do that. I have too much to
do right now to be screwing it up...but hey- that is what I love to do- screw
things up...
And I am
headed for a screw up very soon.
New poems:
This was written just a few days ago:
The Forever Decision
Thinking thoughts so insane,
Waging this war in my head.
Standing here in the rain,
Wishing this would all stop
And I'd finally feel no pain.
All day I live with this mask-
Smiling and laughing throughout my days,
While wondering how long this can last.
Finally, the cover falls
As the night falls fast.
The war rages on througout the night.
The body becoming the battlefield,
The soul determined to fight.
Red forever stains this night,
I'm slowly losing my sight.
Darkness descends over my eyes,
The light I can no longer see.
I'm caught within these lies,
No where to turn, no where to run-
It's time to say my goodbye's
The forever decision
That I'm about to make
Shows my clouded vision
And that I can no longer cope-
I make my final incision.
Left alone to die,
Just as I was alone alive.
I do not wonder why;
My life has no meaning,
Nothing left to do but sigh.
It's all over and done,
I cannot turn back now.
My darkness has won-
I give in, I give up,
I can no longer run.
As dawn nears, I begin to fade.
I've already lived life too much,
The debt I've finally paid,
And I am finally at peace
With the forever decision that I've made.
This was written about a week ago:
Blade in hand
Blade in hand,
Knowing just what to do-
Pain at my command,
To turmoil I bid adieu.
Everything becomes clear;
A sigh of relief,
There is nothing left to fear
As I fall into grief.
The blood- my tears;
The scars- my hidden pain;
All make me appear
As if I am really sane.
They are the only signs
That shout I am not right,
And truly define
My inward fight.
My Inside pain is finally real,
For once I feel alive-
I realize I’m not made of steel
And that I can survive.
Blade in hand,
Part loss, part gain;
My body does understand:
That this is my inward pain
This was written about three weeks ago:
Perfect
I just have to try harder,
I have to push farther.
I can make it-
I won't quit.
You'll love me if I can do this,
My feelings you won't dismiss
Because locked inside my heart
Lay those secrets in the dark.
Perfect I will become,
To weakness I will not succomb.
I swear I'm good
And I'll do everything I should.
Please don't stop loving me,
I can be better don't you see,
I can be all that you expect-
I can be perfect.
I am not sure when I wrote this, found among some paperwork:
A Wish For The Heart
A wish for the heart,
Trying to make myself a life,
Running away from the dark-
Leaving behind the knife.
Waiting for life to begin,
Searching the confines of my mind,
Wishing again and again
That life wouldn’t be so unkind.
My reality is shaded in crimson;
My world immersed in pain.
Deciding which way to run
To once again be sane.
I’m not sure when this was written, I just recently found it among some paperwork:
I Fall Once Again
I’m tired of crying these tears
That fall crimson red.
Afraid of looking in the mirror,
Wishing to take back what was said.
I’ll never rid myself of these scars
That have been carved upon the skin and the heart-
They keep me from runnin’ too far,
And make sure I remember the dark.
As I lay bleeding with the blade,
I wish for that end;
My life begins to fade,
Forever I cannot bend.
What will bring me to?
When will my reality set in?
This world can be so cruel,
And I fall once again.
I wrote this right after I regained contact with my father:
A World Apart
I’m caught in the middle again-
Caught on this runaway train,
No where to turn, no where to run,
My life begins to become undone.
Chaos at every turn,
A lack of concern-
Soon the trust begins to spiral down.
In these lies, I begin to drown.
Stability lost to insecurity,
Parents lost to immaturity.
Losing this child to anger,
Parent and child lines begin to blur.
Tears fall silently,
While the heart tears violently-
Wishing for a peace
Or a simple release.
Family becomes a dream;
A silent scream,
A last plea for sanity,
Cursing the parents’ vanity.
The family portrait
In two, forever split,
A life is shattered-
A child’s life torn and tattered.
Everything lays broken,
So many words unspoken;
A fortress built around the heart,
A family a world apart.
5-4
Still not feeling good, though I’ve been able to get some work done. It is so
hard to concentrate when all you can think about is hurting yourself. This sucks
for sure. I just don’t know what happened, what has been going on with me the
last few days.
It’s like I collided with a train…just a big SMACK. So now I’m taking my homework
in parts…I know I can’t do it all at once but at least I can do it in parts
and then tonight I can really hunker down and get it done.
I don’t really know what to say other than I just feel like I’m in a daze. I
read back over my rants from the last few days and I’ve definitely blown a fuse.
I knew the good times couldn’t last…it is Spring time…though I have yet to crash
enough for the hospital wahoo! I guess that is an accomplishment, however small.
Right now, I am realizing I need to take care of myself somewhat. I was supposed
to live with this one woman (co-worker and student) and watch her step-son while
she worked and went to class, but now I think I won’t. It will be big time stress…we
don’t get along like we used to, a bit of a falling out…and it will just be
soooo hard…I would literally be running from one thing to the next with no break.
As it is, I cram three therapy sessions for my kids on Saturday and that is
really hard, I don’t think I can do a full summer of that. I just need a breather…I
need some time to figure me out. I don’t want to live my life in crisis mode
any longer. So I guess I will speak to my therapist about this tomorrow and
get her thoughts. I just don’t know what to do. But I do have another family
that I can live with and there would be much less stress and lord forbid, I
might actually be happy.
One thing is for sure, things need to change. I have to figure this shit out.
I don’t like crashing. Mainly because it is so scary. There are times where
I don’t know if I am going to live. Like the night with the Wellbutrin…I just
gulped them, no thoughts involved. And the other night I was handling quite
a few of them and I came so close. Those are scary times for me, because I feel
somewhat out of control.
Well I better get back to trying to write my paper. Hope you guys are okay-
stay safe. Take care.
5-4
As night looms, I get worse. But I didn't feel safe placing this rant here.
If you want to view it, please click on this link:
Suicidal Rant
If you think you will be triggered, please don't go there...its not cutting triggering,
but still not pretty. Catch you guys later, take care.
5-3
I definitely feel like crap today. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I think
I want to get away from EVERYTHING…and I mean everything.
I’m tired of being there for everyone, I’m tired of being little miss perfect
(oxymoron of course), I’m tired of listening, I’m tired of talking, I’m tired
of fighting, I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of feeling down, I’m tired of feeling
up, I’m tired of overwhelming myself, I’m tired of procrastinating, I’m tired
of all my shit. I’m tired of the urges, I’m tired of the cutting, I’m tired
of wanting to die, and I’m tired of suicide attempts. I’m tired of taking medication;
I’m tired of staring at the pills wondering what to do. I’m tired of my body,
I’m tired of eating too much, I’m tired of eating too little, I’m tired of caring
for either. I’m tired of sleeping; I’m tired of staying awake all night. I’m
tired of nothing going my way; I’m tired of all good things coming, and then
a big boom. I’m tired of my unorganized brain; I’m tired of not being able to
get everything done. I’m tired of being the procrastinator; I’m tired of hyper
focusing. I’m tired of having two families, none of which I really belong too,
I’m tired of my mom’s crap and I’m tired of being pulled every which way. I’m
tired of doing everything for everyone else; I’m tired of feeling guilty. I’m
tired of saying yes, I’m tired of keeping my mouth shut.
I’m tired of EVERYTHING, good and bad that ever happens to me. I’m tired of
it all, and I just want it to all END!
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Something happened to my December rants, I'll try to find them!
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