Rants and Raves- April 2003

4-28
Why did I take seven 150mg Welbutrin's? What possessed me to do this? It's like I saw the bottle so I poured them out and popped them in. I don't even remember having thoughts as I did this. I just did it.
It seems as if I have to punish myself one-way or another- if I can't do SI, then its starve myself- if I can't/won't do any of these its pill poppin' time. Why do I do such things. See, this...this is why I am no good. I pull stupid shit like this. I have so many responsibilities and obligations and I just don't know what to do sometimes. I know I can pull my grades up, just have to stay up later and get up earlier...but again I am sacrificing myself for others.
For the first time I'm realizing this- I give and give and give. There is no take...I would feel guilty, thus I must always give.

Boy, does that sound familiar. My senior year of high school is flashing in my mind. I gave and gave and gave until I came to the point where I didn't have a "me" anymore. And so I cut, to make myself feel...really feel alive. Something inside of me died that year. Now I just need to figure out if that "thing" is good or bad. I feel spent right now. I am being pulled in every direction trying to please people, but always I let people down.
Who am I? In my good days I think I find her, but then there are days like today in which she is no where to be found. It's days like these that scare me.

This morning when I woke up- everything was dizzy and I threw up several times. Even now writing this, I am still woozy. And all day the thoughts runnin' through my head were to push harder...I was thinking "I can take it" I just said that over and over again. I hate days like this. How could I be so stupid? Ugh. What happened yesterday? It's like all the sudden BOOM and down I go. I'm in one of those funks where I decide to either let it consume me or fight back. I used to give in because I had no ammo to fight with, but now I do have some no matter how little.
I chose to fight back eventually with all my depressive episodes, but much damage was done. So here I am, at the cross- roads of my life. And I have no idea which path to take.

Sometimes I just think life is too much and I want to end it all...but then there are those times when I thank God I decided to stay in this life.

It's a balance I try to keep and sometimes it is tipped to the dark side or vice versa. It's just so hard sometimes, I think about my life and I always think that I shouldn't be feeling this way- that my life was not bad enough to warrant this kind of behavior. Why can't I get it straight? What prevents me from getting over the hurdles? At the same time I'm trying to push further, I'm keeping myself back.

And finally, the "bad" voices have returned. You know the ones that make you feel like shit. They are not as bad as before, but I hear them and sometimes I even believe them. Like I deserve to make myself this sick- I had to be punished...but for what?

Well, my nausea is setting in again, so I close this rant. I know its kind of dark etc, but these are my thoughts and feelings at the moment. Let's hope it changes soon!

4-28
Slipping again. I don’t really know what else to say. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what happened last night and why I did what I did. And why I feel devoid of emotion right now. I mean I am pretty much not feeling much of anything. I feel a little off today…then again seven pills will do that to you! I really can’t believe I was that dumb. I just can’t believe what I did. Maybe I’m in shock at my stupidity? Who knows…this certainly hasn’t been one of my brightest moments in my life. I need to snap out of this. I feel like I'm being torn apart.

4-11
Well its been many weeks since I last wrote up here. Obviously the rants below are pretty heated. I wrote them within a few days/hours of hearing from my biological father for the first time in about 6 years. Shock has worn off and I'm happy to say I am speaking to him.

We are trying to work through it all. Looks like all things change with time. I think he is a different man then the one I remember (phew). I'm not sure where he fits into my life right now. We both have a lot of work to do...I do not give my trust freely and its even harder to get back once you've lost it! I dont' know if I'll ever completely trust...as it is now there is no one I completely trust.

I'm not sure where my emotions stand right now. I'm kind of in flux...some days are good, some days are bad. And most of the time I'm so busy that I don't have time to feel...which is of course what I like lol. It's almost surreal...it just all happened so fast. It's weird I guess. Sometimes I can't believe what is going on. I wonder if its real a lot of the time. I mean to have a whole other family in my life again. It's just a strange concept. Though I'm leery of everyone of course. It's just hard for me to trust and open up. Everybody has their own side as to what happened, so its no use getting into arguments about what the truth is and what the lie is.

So how is my mental health? Pretty good considering... but it almost doesn't surprise me. Part of me thinks I should be flipping out etc...but I have never operated like that...when emergencies pop up or something big happens...I turn into the cool, calm and collected Erin...I just do what is necessary. Have I thought about cutting? Sure, that will probably stay with me for a while. Hell I've even felt bad enough to have the thought of suicide pop into my mind...but that is nothing new, it happens once in a while. My school work has suffered lately and I feel like a failure of course. But I'll work through it, we'll see how this week goes.

So I'm hanging in there...and I think I will put my rants back up here in a few days...so hope to talk to everyone later! Take care.

Rants and Raves- April 2003

4-28
Why did I take seven 150mg Welbutrin's? What possessed me to do this? It's like I saw the bottle so I poured them out and popped them in. I don't even remember having thoughts as I did this. I just did it.
It seems as if I have to punish myself one-way or another- if I can't do SI, then its starve myself- if I can't/won't do any of these its pill poppin' time. Why do I do such things. See, this...this is why I am no good. I pull stupid shit like this. I have so many responsibilities and obligations and I just don't know what to do sometimes. I know I can pull my grades up, just have to stay up later and get up earlier...but again I am sacrificing myself for others.
For the first time I'm realizing this- I give and give and give. There is no take...I would feel guilty, thus I must always give.

Boy, does that sound familiar. My senior year of high school is flashing in my mind. I gave and gave and gave until I came to the point where I didn't have a "me" anymore. And so I cut, to make myself feel...really feel alive. Something inside of me died that year. Now I just need to figure out if that "thing" is good or bad. I feel spent right now. I am being pulled in every direction trying to please people, but always I let people down.
Who am I? In my good days I think I find her, but then there are days like today in which she is no where to be found. It's days like these that scare me.

This morning when I woke up- everything was dizzy and I threw up several times. Even now writing this, I am still woozy. And all day the thoughts runnin' through my head were to push harder...I was thinking "I can take it" I just said that over and over again. I hate days like this. How could I be so stupid? Ugh. What happened yesterday? It's like all the sudden BOOM and down I go. I'm in one of those funks where I decide to either let it consume me or fight back. I used to give in because I had no ammo to fight with, but now I do have some no matter how little.
I chose to fight back eventually with all my depressive episodes, but much damage was done. So here I am, at the cross- roads of my life. And I have no idea which path to take.

Sometimes I just think life is too much and I want to end it all...but then there are those times when I thank God I decided to stay in this life.

It's a balance I try to keep and sometimes it is tipped to the dark side or vice versa. It's just so hard sometimes, I think about my life and I always think that I shouldn't be feeling this way- that my life was not bad enough to warrant this kind of behavior. Why can't I get it straight? What prevents me from getting over the hurdles? At the same time I'm trying to push further, I'm keeping myself back.

And finally, the "bad" voices have returned. You know the ones that make you feel like shit. They are not as bad as before, but I hear them and sometimes I even believe them. Like I deserve to make myself this sick- I had to be punished...but for what?

Well, my nausea is setting in again, so I close this rant. I know its kind of dark etc, but these are my thoughts and feelings at the moment. Let's hope it changes soon!

4-28
Slipping again. I don’t really know what else to say. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what happened last night and why I did what I did. And why I feel devoid of emotion right now. I mean I am pretty much not feeling much of anything. I feel a little off today…then again seven pills will do that to you! I really can’t believe I was that dumb. I just can’t believe what I did. Maybe I’m in shock at my stupidity? Who knows…this certainly hasn’t been one of my brightest moments in my life. I need to snap out of this. I feel like I'm being torn apart.

4-11
Well its been many weeks since I last wrote up here. Obviously the rants below are pretty heated. I wrote them within a few days/hours of hearing from my biological father for the first time in about 6 years. Shock has worn off and I'm happy to say I am speaking to him.

We are trying to work through it all. Looks like all things change with time. I think he is a different man then the one I remember (phew). I'm not sure where he fits into my life right now. We both have a lot of work to do...I do not give my trust freely and its even harder to get back once you've lost it! I dont' know if I'll ever completely trust...as it is now there is no one I completely trust.

I'm not sure where my emotions stand right now. I'm kind of in flux...some days are good, some days are bad. And most of the time I'm so busy that I don't have time to feel...which is of course what I like lol. It's almost surreal...it just all happened so fast. It's weird I guess. Sometimes I can't believe what is going on. I wonder if its real a lot of the time. I mean to have a whole other family in my life again. It's just a strange concept. Though I'm leery of everyone of course. It's just hard for me to trust and open up. Everybody has their own side as to what happened, so its no use getting into arguments about what the truth is and what the lie is.

So how is my mental health? Pretty good considering... but it almost doesn't surprise me. Part of me thinks I should be flipping out etc...but I have never operated like that...when emergencies pop up or something big happens...I turn into the cool, calm and collected Erin...I just do what is necessary. Have I thought about cutting? Sure, that will probably stay with me for a while. Hell I've even felt bad enough to have the thought of suicide pop into my mind...but that is nothing new, it happens once in a while. My school work has suffered lately and I feel like a failure of course. But I'll work through it, we'll see how this week goes.

So I'm hanging in there...and I think I will put my rants back up here in a few days...so hope to talk to everyone later! Take care.

Rants and Raves- April 2003

4-28
Why did I take seven 150mg Welbutrin's? What possessed me to do this? It's like I saw the bottle so I poured them out and popped them in. I don't even remember having thoughts as I did this. I just did it.
It seems as if I have to punish myself one-way or another- if I can't do SI, then its starve myself- if I can't/won't do any of these its pill poppin' time. Why do I do such things. See, this...this is why I am no good. I pull stupid shit like this. I have so many responsibilities and obligations and I just don't know what to do sometimes. I know I can pull my grades up, just have to stay up later and get up earlier...but again I am sacrificing myself for others.
For the first time I'm realizing this- I give and give and give. There is no take...I would feel guilty, thus I must always give.

Boy, does that sound familiar. My senior year of high school is flashing in my mind. I gave and gave and gave until I came to the point where I didn't have a "me" anymore. And so I cut, to make myself feel...really feel alive. Something inside of me died that year. Now I just need to figure out if that "thing" is good or bad. I feel spent right now. I am being pulled in every direction trying to please people, but always I let people down.
Who am I? In my good days I think I find her, but then there are days like today in which she is no where to be found. It's days like these that scare me.

This morning when I woke up- everything was dizzy and I threw up several times. Even now writing this, I am still woozy. And all day the thoughts runnin' through my head were to push harder...I was thinking "I can take it" I just said that over and over again. I hate days like this. How could I be so stupid? Ugh. What happened yesterday? It's like all the sudden BOOM and down I go. I'm in one of those funks where I decide to either let it consume me or fight back. I used to give in because I had no ammo to fight with, but now I do have some no matter how little.
I chose to fight back eventually with all my depressive episodes, but much damage was done. So here I am, at the cross- roads of my life. And I have no idea which path to take.

Sometimes I just think life is too much and I want to end it all...but then there are those times when I thank God I decided to stay in this life.

It's a balance I try to keep and sometimes it is tipped to the dark side or vice versa. It's just so hard sometimes, I think about my life and I always think that I shouldn't be feeling this way- that my life was not bad enough to warrant this kind of behavior. Why can't I get it straight? What prevents me from getting over the hurdles? At the same time I'm trying to push further, I'm keeping myself back.

And finally, the "bad" voices have returned. You know the ones that make you feel like shit. They are not as bad as before, but I hear them and sometimes I even believe them. Like I deserve to make myself this sick- I had to be punished...but for what?

Well, my nausea is setting in again, so I close this rant. I know its kind of dark etc, but these are my thoughts and feelings at the moment. Let's hope it changes soon!

4-28
Slipping again. I don’t really know what else to say. I’m still trying to figure out exactly what happened last night and why I did what I did. And why I feel devoid of emotion right now. I mean I am pretty much not feeling much of anything. I feel a little off today…then again seven pills will do that to you! I really can’t believe I was that dumb. I just can’t believe what I did. Maybe I’m in shock at my stupidity? Who knows…this certainly hasn’t been one of my brightest moments in my life. I need to snap out of this. I feel like I'm being torn apart.

4-11
Well its been many weeks since I last wrote up here. Obviously the rants below are pretty heated. I wrote them within a few days/hours of hearing from my biological father for the first time in about 6 years. Shock has worn off and I'm happy to say I am speaking to him.

We are trying to work through it all. Looks like all things change with time. I think he is a different man then the one I remember (phew). I'm not sure where he fits into my life right now. We both have a lot of work to do...I do not give my trust freely and its even harder to get back once you've lost it! I dont' know if I'll ever completely trust...as it is now there is no one I completely trust.

I'm not sure where my emotions stand right now. I'm kind of in flux...some days are good, some days are bad. And most of the time I'm so busy that I don't have time to feel...which is of course what I like lol. It's almost surreal...it just all happened so fast. It's weird I guess. Sometimes I can't believe what is going on. I wonder if its real a lot of the time. I mean to have a whole other family in my life again. It's just a strange concept. Though I'm leery of everyone of course. It's just hard for me to trust and open up. Everybody has their own side as to what happened, so its no use getting into arguments about what the truth is and what the lie is.

So how is my mental health? Pretty good considering... but it almost doesn't surprise me. Part of me thinks I should be flipping out etc...but I have never operated like that...when emergencies pop up or something big happens...I turn into the cool, calm and collected Erin...I just do what is necessary. Have I thought about cutting? Sure, that will probably stay with me for a while. Hell I've even felt bad enough to have the thought of suicide pop into my mind...but that is nothing new, it happens once in a while. My school work has suffered lately and I feel like a failure of course. But I'll work through it, we'll see how this week goes.

So I'm hanging in there...and I think I will put my rants back up here in a few days...so hope to talk to everyone later! Take care.