June Rants- 2003

6-29
Well I had a good weekend with my family- and I mean all of my family- all of my stepfather’s side…like a mini family reunion. It was nice for once, no problems really. Which of course, is always good.

But still, here I am, at midnight feeling…lost? Maybe alone. Not sure what I’m feeling really. I have started two good things. Exercising and eating better. Now I’m not eating how I’m probably supposed to be eating, but in my opinion its better than it was. And for once, after all of my complaining about running, I decided that was the best way to get my blood flowing in the morning.

But I was thinking this weekend. I am mad. I am mad because I have to fuckin force myself to be normal. I am so tired of all this shit with me. Lately I’ve just felt like a whiney little bastard. I mean, my life couldn’t have been that bad to have caused all this, could it? I look at some people who have had the absolute worst luck, or the worst kind of life and yeah some are going through shit, but then some aren’t. So where is my right to feel this bad?

I just feel like I’m in a fuckin stand still with everything in my life. Work…is well work, that is always special. Things with my ,family are in a holding pattern, therapy has gone to shit, I feel like shit… yeah so it’s all good, can ya tell?

I don’t even know why I’m talking right now. I just don’t wanna do anything. Well, there are a few things in my head, but of course those are the dangerous ways of getting out my feelings ;-) so I’ll stick to just rambling on this page.

Yeah so I’m not making any fucking sense anymore, so I’m going.

6-27
Forget Ms. Independent, I’m Ms. Inconsistent. There is nothing in my life, except maybe my job that I’m consistent in. I don’t take meds consistently, I don’t cut consistently, I don’t do therapy consistently, I don’t see doctors consistently, my school work is inconsistent, my relationships with people are inconsistent. So I just ask why? Why in the hell is my life so inconsistent. What’s almost funny about it is that I love stability. I don’t like things to change. I guess it’s my attempt at compensating for the inconsistencies. There is so much I do for stability. Like with my job, I could make more money, but I love the company and I hate change. I just couldn’t change companies. Same with the place I live and other things. I have to have stability.

I’m switching gears a bit now: I have a prevailing sense that I am lost. When I take a look at myself and wonder what is going on, I get this strong sense of being lost. So that is how I feel- lost. My life is going pretty well, and if someone would take a snapshot it’d look like this: has a steady, wonderful job, a great school, getting a great education, a few good friends, liked by most people, getting along better with family. But inside, I feel torn apart, lost, alone, angry, sad, scared, detached, frustrated, restless, edgy, confused, and insecure. I think that about covers it lol. I know I feel these things, but I can’t specifically call them out, I just feel them there, for whatever reason. But mainly right now I feel lost.

So what does being lost entail? Several things. While my professional life is on the fast track, my personal is at a stand still. I can’t even have a fucking good therapy session anymore. I feel just as lost in there as any place.

I feel lost in taking care of myself. I’m no dummy, I know exactly what needs to be done in the area’s of nutrition and exercise, but for some fucking reason I choose not to do those things. I have drawn up an exercise regimen, and I just pray I stick with it. I am Queen at starting things and then not finishing. It takes me so much will-power to stick with stuff. My attention and drive just shifts and I can’t get into again. I have to work so fucking hard on things that should be easy. I mean other people can get into healthy stuff without a problem- they just do it- so why can’t I just do it. Same with school work- I just can’t do classes I’m not interested in. I know other students have no problem taking a class they are not interested in and passing no problem- but I can’t, I have such a fucking hard time keeping my attention there, keeping me working on it etc. I don’t know why I’m complaining about that.

So here I am today. Just a ball of anger. I’m not even necessarily mad at myself, I’m mad at not knowing why I’m having such a fucking hard time finding myself. Finding out what’s wrong, what’s behind this latest behavior.
It’s not often that I feel like playing with pills, playing with a blade, toying with idea’s of just letting myself go, away from therapy, away from doctors, away from absolutely everything, as well as every other thing in my life. Why am I so hell-bent on destroying myself? That is what it comes down to isn’t it? I am forever sabotaging myself. I am forever trying to destroy what little of me is left. How do I stop that? How do I grab hold of that? I better find out soon…before it is too late.

6-20
Well, this week is going much better than the previous week. Throughout the week, work went extremely well…and it looks like I am getting a job promotion!!!! WAHOO. It’s about time. I’m be basically doing the same thing but getting paid. I used to do a lot of extra stuff for the families and children that I work for, but now I will be doing more of that stuff with the rest of the families my company services and get paid for it. That means my school year is going to be BUSY. I will have my classes, a research team, three children that I work with plus the other 9 families my company services (so I have to do overlaps with other therapists and handle phone calls and questions from parents). So it’s a lot on my plate but I’m excited about it. The town I live in has been needing someone in that position for a while now.

I have been stressed today a lot. That happens today- I just get so anxious and worked up. Luckily the family I’m living with, the mom had some Xanax (spelling?) on hand and asked if I wanted some and so I took Xanax for the first time- and boy what a difference. Normally, when I get the anxious and upset, it ends up in a panic attack or worse. Today I was able to be calm. Though I can feel the effects starting to wear off. Looks like I really need to get a pdoc soon and start on some medications. I’m wondering if anti-depressants are what I need…it seems to me I need something that keeps me stimulated and focused and something that will keep my anxiety down. I can get so worked up and I do not want to go back to having panic attacks every week or turning to cutting to calm me down.

That’s about all the updates for now. I’m so very sorry I really haven’t been around my site lately. I have been getting so exhausted lately, from getting up early, working hard all day, then coming home and not getting to sleep until late. And I should have weekends off, but every weekend I’ve had to do something- from visit my parents, my father coming to visit me, my bosses this weekend and then next weekend, a family reunion. For most people I would suspect family outings on the weekend are okay, but for me they are work. I just want a weekend where I don’t have ANYTHING to do. Just relax, maybe do some therapy with the little boy that I live in- house with.

But such is the life of me. I fill my schedule and though I have “wiggle” room, that somehow get’s lost in the shuffle, if one of the children with autism that I work with is having extra trouble, or someone is needed my time. Oh well. More updates to follow. Hope you guys are well. Take care.

6-17
Alright it’s Tuesday and I’m doing okay. Last week was so awful, as many of you saw in my rants below, I’m not sure what made it such a hell week. I guess a combination of stressors- work, home, etc.

But I’m happy to report this week is going alright. Work stress has been lifted some what, and I went home and actually had a very good time.

My only complaints? I had a not so good therapy session yesterday. Ya know, the kind where you laugh, smile and not really say anything of substance. I know I’ve written about that before. It sucks, makes me think I’m a jackass. What is weird, is everything is so much clearer when I come out of those sessions. When I’m in those sessions, it’s like my brain is just gone and is replaced with the laughing, jovial self. But I know better, my brain is certainly there…and I finally figured it out:

It’s hiding.

I could never quite put my finger on it until later yesterday. What made me really think that I am hiding in those sessions is one conversation I had during therapy. My eating habits are pretty bad, sometimes I eat, sometimes I don’t. Now, I’m bright enough to know that you need to eat well and healthy and that not eating is never a good thing to do. But still, I choose to do that to myself. Just as cutting is a choice I do or do not make, so is eating. But I didn’t have the guts to admit why I don’t eat, or why I choose not to. So I took the coward way out, pretending nothing was wrong and letting my defenses rule me.

I don’t eat, because I don’t want to, because I want to lose weight, because I think I’m fat. I hate even saying that sentence because it sounds so caddy. But I can’t help the way I feel or the way I look at myself in the mirror. I don’t like the way I look. And unfortunately the way I’ve always learned to lose weight is by reducing my food intake. I was the largest my junior year of high school, then I got mono, didn’t eat for a month and lost 20 pounds. Any time I gained back even a little bit of weight I’d get the flu, or depressed etc. and thus lose weight. In my mind, the only way I’ve ever lost weight was do to not eating or severely reducing my food intake. My first semester of my sophomore year of college I had stopped eating all together for a while, until I was forced to (I forget why). But let’s just say that mind set is way set in my mind.

And so that is what I was hiding partially yesterday. But there is more, I know there is. Yesterday, I rendered myself unable to talk. I couldn’t do it. My mind was fighting itself, telling me to talk, but I couldn’t do it, my defenses were there to stop me.

Ya know I almost wonder…forgive me for rambling, but I have some thoughts, and since these are my rants I’m going with them…I wonder why I was so defended. So let’s look at the weekend prior. I had a great weekend with my family. I spent two days at home and it was great…I mean really great. I got along with everyone, got to spend some quality time with my little brothers and my mom was nice and fine. Of course that got me thinking a couple times. I kept wondering what I was doing in therapy. Spending so much time pointing out the bad in my mom, Then I have times like these when she is a great mom, a really great mom. So I wonder what the fuck am I doing saying all these bad things about her…so I begin to think of myself being a not so good person for saying/thinking these things about her. I even toy with the idea of stopping therapy and everything, and just go back to being the “good” daughter because she doesn’t deserve what I’m doing to her.

But enough of me knows better, enough of me understands I’ve been down that route. Still, those were powerful thoughts. I don’t know, but just hypothesizing, I just wonder if that had enough of an effect on me to make me not want to talk, unable to really vocalize what was going on in my head, because it was fighting itself well before I entered the therapy room.

My constant battle: ya think I could just shut it the hell up. I spend so much time fighting myself, that it stops my progress, sometimes regresses, or make me look like a jack ass in front of people trying to help me. Well, I think I’m running out of thoughts and I need to get back to working on some stuff. These rants are a little unclear to me, but have gotten me thinking. I will revisit this tonight because like yesterday, I can see my thoughts already getting in the way, telling me to shut up and that this stuff isn’t true. Grrr, I just wish I could turn my brain off and get it to stop talking to me. I can’t describe the feelings or thoughts in my head, but it’s just not a pleasant experience. Alright I’m out, take care all.

6-11
Depression: my old friend is back…or rather I should say foe. I do not understand why it’s back and boy is it back. It’s hitting me like a truck. Last night, laying in bed at 4:30am still unable to sleep and every time I closed my eyes, nightmares would return until at long last I was just so exhausted…but I awoke three hours later. The past few nights I’ve either stayed up late or I would wake up in the middle of the night. My appetite is gone, I eat only to survive. The stuff I used to love doing no longer hold my interest. And I’m feeling responsible for everything I do or everything that is wrong. You might as well shoot me now.

This isn’t my anger depression where I say “fuck the world,” but what I think is my more dangerous depression. Why the difference b/w the two? I’ll lay them out.

Fuck the world depression: I am very very angry, I not only get mad at myself but everyone else…and my prevailing theme is I am going to stay on this earth just to piss people off and be stubborn. I also don’t have the appetite or sleep problems. And I talk…a lot and express myself.

Dangerous Depression: No outward sign that anything is wrong. I’m quiet and don’t say much. My head will be full of thoughts, good and bad, but I cannot let them out. Writing slows as far as rants go, poetry picks up. And in talking to others, I’m quiet and unassuming. I blame myself and no one else. And I have urges for cutting. But most of all, I get suicidal thoughts…a lot until the point when they become a constant fixture. As yet, I am not to the point, but still, I know I’m on shaky ground, headed toward danger.

I know right now I must be careful. Please Lord, I need help, I need strength and I need courage. I do not need to venture down that path again, it’s too damn hard. My silent prayer…

Hope everyone else is alright, take care.

6-11
My Depression

My long forgotten sleep,
My nightmares return-
Time for concern.

Appetite lost in everything;
Fun a forgotten notion-
Numbing all these emotions.

Pain weighing me down;
Darkness now looms-
Returning to my living tomb.

My heart does not lie,
There is no question:
I’m back with my depression.

6-10
Okay, my mood has just been a very hyper one all day. I think this is due to several things: therapy session in the morning, talk with a favorite prof about psych, work with a kiddo who needed a lot of extra attention and really needed me hyper in therapy to keep his attention and then one of the best sessions ever with another kid. So this all culminates with me being hyper. Which I think is a good thing, because I get more done.

Today, I got a chance to talk to both my mom and biological dad. Both conversations went well. But I find distinct differences in them. Let’s start with my father. He and I “really” talked…about the therapy session, about out future, about the past. We just talked, acknowledging how far we had come and have to go. I could out right admit things, like yeah you weren’t a good father, but we are doing okay now. On the flip side with my mom, we stuck to what we do best- talking about my little brothers and all the crap going on in her life (just got new carpeting, house is a mess etc etc). That is the conversations we have because we can’t talk about anything else without getting worked up. I couldn’t say to her, yeah you were a crappy mom, but we are working through it. Nope, I could almost never say that to her (I’m leaving room for a little hope).
I was thinking today while driving to work how at peace I am starting to feel with my father. After all the smoke and fire has cleared… he’s really there, ready to work on our relationship. He knows how I have felt about him…my website pretty much put to rest how I felt…yet he still contacted me, still wanted a relationship, no matter how hateful I sounded. But I was his daughter and he was willing to work through whatever hatred I felt for him. That shows a lot in someone I think. He didn’t turn his back and he is willing to talk and work through this.

My mom…not so much. I’m still working on her. She cannot lose my love…I may not “like” her right now, but I still love her. She could tell me just about anything, and I would still love her. For me to be at peace with her, I need her to let go, I need her to be able to talk about things without it turning around to her. I need her to not turn her back if I were to say how I really felt. That is what it feels like to me. I open up and get the door slammed in my face. I say that she pushed me to hard- well she comes back with it was for my own good, and she feels that she does not do that anymore, so how could it still be affecting me? I say that she wasn’t a good mother, and…well, we won’t go into her response. I say I’m suicidal and I need to go to the hospital- I get yelled at! I mean who the hell gets yelled at b/c they want to go to a safe place so they don’t die!!! That one I still don’t understand. They are always saying that they are stressed when I go into the hospital etc and that I should understand their feelings and how stressed they are. Notice the key words- “their feelings.” Well I’m willing to bet my feelings are a whole lot more important at the time, considering at those moments I’m liable to kill myself. You don’t really find feelings as intense as that. You’d think, being my parents and all, that they could for once set aside their feelings and insecurities to help me, to support me, to give me a reason to live, not one to die.

Well now I’m just rambling. For some reason, one of the things that hurts the most is when I do happen to decide to go to a safe place and they oppose it…or not necessarily oppose it, but let’s just say they don’t go out of their way to help.

I just wish I could be at peace with my mom. I may not be able to actually tell her how I feel, but at least I would hope we can lay to rest some old stuff and she can be secure with my love and I can be secure with her love. Many times I think that I’m insecure about her love b/c that is what I learned from her- she is insecure with my love. How, I don’t know, but she is.

Well, I better wrap up these rants…apparently I can write long rants ;-) It’s about 2am and I’m FINALLY getting tired. About damn time haha. Hope ya’ll are well and talk to everyone soon I hope.

6-8
Well, I fell asleep last night writing the rant below…I was just exhausted and my brain shut down. I get so many thoughts during the day, but when night came, I could not longer pull them up and get them down on paper. It’s another day of feeling lost. I had my one meal today, pizza rolls/burrito. I’m hungry right now, but have no energy or will to fix something to eat. So what is it? Why am I feeling this way?
I feel like my body is shutting down. I need to find someway to wake it up again. I keep looking ahead to the coming weeks. No days off in site…I mean for two weekends I am going home to my mom and family…but I consider that work. I am on edge when I’m there, constantly watching what I say and do…plus I have two little brother demanding my attention (but I don’t mind that part so much). But it means no sleeping in. And sandwiched in between those weekends, my bosses are coming, so that is a lot of work as well. I just want to get up, go work with my sweet kiddo’s, come home, eat some dinner, play around on the computer (write, research, whatever etc), and go to bed…wake up the next morning and do it all over again. I need that stability. I don’t do well with everything changing all the time. Sure, I hear the critics say that is no life- what about going out etc. Well, I don’t like parties, because I don’t like the crowds and noise, I don’t drink, so that is no fun. And my few good friends have gone home for the summer. Besides, I LIKE what I do. Doesn’t anyone understand that? I enjoy going to do therapy with the kids…I consider that FUN. People tell me to leave time for myself, do other things etc, do something you like. Well I like doing that. Working with those kids are what I like to spend my time doing. Sure, it does get stressful, sometimes I spend sessions with those kids tantruming the whole time (for those unaware, I work with young children with autism), but still, I know in the end, I’m helping these kids. I see their progress, I see the impact my work has.
But that is all beside the point. In fact I really don’t know what my point is. I am just rambling, because all my good thoughts have left me. I had so much I wanted to say, but now all I have is “blah.” Maybe tomorrow will be a better day? I certainly need one. It feels like this week has literally gone on forever. That happens when my week is very broken up. I started it out with my father and therapy, work with some kids on Tuesday and Wednesday, then Thursday I spent it with a prof and Friday was spent doing therapy with a kid and then babysitting the rest of the weekend. So basically four very different sections to my week. I don’t like those types of weeks. They last too long and just so much going on. As I said early, I’m beginning to notice I really like stability in my weeks. Maybe that is why I like school and the school year so much. It’s predictable, it’s stable.
Well my ranting are done…I have nothing left to say, maybe I will tomorrow sometime. Hope everyone is doing well. Take care.

What Life Is This?

What life is this?
Surely this isn’t mine,
For something seems amiss,
As my life heads down this decline-
Out of my state of bliss.

Down to the darkess I descend,
Past all hope, past all light.
I’m done with all this pretend
I’m so tired of this fight
I’m ready to meet this end.

It all started with a flick of the wrist,
One immediate release.
An addiction I could not resist,
Nor find a way to cease-
For I found a way to exist.

But now the time seems to have come,
For me to put an end to this show.
Life has become far too numb,
My high has met it’s low-
To the depths of despair, I succumb.

This blade to the skin
Makes me real,
Gives a voice to the pain within-
This madness I do reveal
Behind the ever-present grin.

Is this the life of me?
Where am I behind the confusion
Pain is as far as I can see.
What’s part of the illusion,
And what’s part of me?

Behind this dark and gloom
Lies the real me inside,
Whose life she wishes to resume-
If she had not died…
Here inside her living tomb.

6-7
Depression: all the signs are there. Hungry, but the thought of eating or food repulses me; Wanting to sleep, but just won’t fall asleep; Losing interest in all activities; Losing my thoughts; Feeling I’m losing myself.
Depression has hit me so many times I can easily tell when it’s here again. And it’s here. I just know it. Even now writing this…I just have a complete and utter lack of interest in doing anything. I am babysitting four kids this weekend (one of them is one of the kids with autism I work with), and normally I would be a hell of a babysitter- hyper, playing, etc…I feel bad because I’m not as involved as I normally am. I was interested in a bunch of stuff and was doing research, but that is falling to the wayside because of me just not being interested. I’m down to one meal a day- lunch that I normally eat around one o’clock and that is it. Just the thought of food makes me want to gag. I’m not an insomniac, but still I will just lie there in bed and not sleep (however, I am aware that you are not supposed to just lay in bed, that was a figure of speech, when I can ‘t sleep, I get on the cpu or go sit on a couch, something etc.) And of course there is just feeling down. I feel down.
So where does this all leave me? I don’t know. But it is driving me nuts. The feeling of wanting to do stuff, but can’t. I mean I physically can, but my mind is somewhere else off in never, never land. That makes it hard to accomplish things, thus I am getting backed up in some work I needed to get done. Granted, if I really looked at what needed to be done, I’d see that it is all extra work. But I like the work and it’s for good.
God, I’m pathetic. Here I am just staring at the screen. I have so many thoughts and have throughout the day, but I just can’t write them. I just can’t do it. That is so very frustrating.
I feel as though I’ve entered another fog. There’s just a thick blanket of it ahead of me and I can’t seem to find my flashlight to see my way through. So I’m here, fumbling around in the dark, in the fog. Somebody please, just light a fire under my ass. I feel lost right now. These are the times that scare me. These are the times that I lose hope. These are the times that I don’t trust myself. So what now? Well, I am keeping busy, but it’s so hard when I feel like crap and I am unmotivated to do anything.

6-6
Okay, I am much calmer today. Went to an autism clinic and calmed down some. Got to watch an intake and speak to my favorite prof for a couple hours about some psych stuff- which is represented in my poll- yes there are finally new questions! So if you wanna just take a few minutes to answer the questions, we were just curious about a few things with self injurers. I might be putting some other questionnaire's up later as well.
I still feel somewhat like crap, but my mood has improved substantially. Though I am still very stressed with everything. But the feelings of wanting to harm myself and other such thoughts have gone away, which is always a good thing.
I might not be around this weekend too much- I have to watch four children this weekend (one of them with autism). I will try to be in and out, but we'll see.
I hope the rest of you are doing alright! Take care.

6-5
So I’ve decided, maybe I should just shut the hell up and quit my whining about everything. Stuff happened but hey it’s not the worst that could happen. Right? Why not bury it, just put it behind me and move forward. That would stop my parents from arguing (through me). Why put my self through this hell again, when I can just smile and laugh. I did it for years, why not do it again. I used to be such a good actor…I kind of suck now at it (thanks to my counselor :-P) But it’s so damn hard to go through this shit right now. So hard. I don’t really know what to do. What sucks is I’m an island, but that is only an illusion b/c I have ties to both my parents that apparently can’t be broken. So I need to cut those ties. I don’t want to be connected, it hurts too much. And who the fuck cares about being hurt anyway…I need to stop feeling that way. I can beat this. I need to just get past it, stuff it, get away from it. But yet, there is this little voice in my head that is preventing that…it’s telling me that I’ve already done that and look where it got me.
There once was a time when I came to a fork in the road. One road would have led over the edge and I would probably have tried to commit suicide a bunch more times and may have been dead by now. I almost let the dark consume me. The second road, which I took, led me to help, to the light, to sanity. Evidently THAT was the hard road, because it’s taking YEARS to set things right and even now, the end seems YEARS away…but the point is that there is an end. It’s years apart, but I guess it’s good that I see an end, but take that away from me…and I’ll be gone for sure.
I don’t know the point of this rant. Just rambling. At this point my brain hurts from thinking to much. I half wish I had the guts to kill myself long ago, save me from this shit. But hell, I’m a chicken who decided to go ahead with it all. Let’s just hope I can keep going, because at this rate…I’m not feeling so good.

These Lies

Heart not made of stone,
Soul locked inside the dark.
Here I stand alone
On this journey, ready to embark.

Back or forward, which way do I go?
Who to believe in this tangled web of lies?
What debt do I owe?
When do I get to cry?

I can’t stand this war raging in my mind,
I can’t stand these bright red tears.
I just wish I was blind
To all of these terrible fears.

The hurt racing through my veins-
I’m an explosion waiting to happen,
Forever, I cannot bear these chains.
Why must I fall again?

I just want it all to end,
I’m tired of waiting for tomorrow.
There’s no more time to mend,
Time to close this show.

The night has come to haunt me once more,
The light slowly begins to die.
I’m finally losing this war,
Because nothing beats these lies.

6-4
I’ve been thinking…what if it is my father lying. I mean I’ve spent most of my life thinking it’s him that has been lying and not my mom. So what if that is true. What if I get in a therapy session with my mom and she gives me her side and it’s contrary to his. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE? I don’t get it. Someone is lying and I must find out who, but then what. Why am I suddenly taking my father’s side and not my mom’s. That is wrong, I should stand by her. She was right, he was not a good father and for him to suddenly appear and for me to jump to his side. That seems wrong. My mom has been there, has supported me (money wise). Don’t I owe it to her to believe her? Don’t I owe it to my step-father to not give my real father a big role in my life?
I just feel so tangled in this web of lies and deceit. Where am I supposed to stand? I’m constantly pushed from one side to the next. I hate this, I hate this so much. It’s not fair to me. Why can’t I just have two sets of family that each love me, and not fight because of me? Why do I have to please every side? Why me? Why do I have to act like the adult between two feuding children? Well, I’m sick and tired of it. I just want to be the kid. I just want to be the kid that is loved for who I am and not for what I owe to everyone. For God sake, I’ve been paying my dues, there is no way I could still be in debt. I’ve bled, I’ve cried (silently), I’ve worked hard…what more do people want from me? I am hurting so much right now, it’s not funny. These are the times that make me turn to a blade. There it’s just me letting go of the pain, me crying out in anger.
I’m tired of being everybody’s pawn in some twisted game. Why can’t my families just be happy for me that I have two families? Yeah, both sides have screwed up, but that is where forgiveness comes in. So my father sucked at being a Dad for quite some time. He is here and now and willing to put in the work to become a better father. He’s willing to accept that I shut him out of my life with no explanation for six long years, yet he is not angry or bitter, just happy to have me talking to him. My mom has constantly been in my life, yet she is not willing to accept that I am having trouble, that I do have problems. She just can’t for the life of her, understand how I have so much in life (good college, great job, good family, a car, money etc) and be so freakin’ depressed. Or why no matter how many times she tells me she loves me and how proud she is of me, I don’t feel like that, but I pick up on what she doesn’t like.
Maybe she is right. Maybe I have no reason to feel so out of whack. I do have so much in this life, why in the hell should I be fucked up? She thinks I am constantly living in the past, that I should not be thinking about what happened to me as a child. That is what she has done. She doesn’t think about what happened to her, she just let go somehow. So now she never thinks about it, doesn’t want to and then everything is happy. She put that part of her life in the past under a think solid rock and does not wish to revisit it. But here I am, moving all of my rocks and rustling up the past. And why do I do that? So I can live another day. If I don’t, then I will just repeat the same mistakes that the rest of my family has. I am the first person in my immediate family to get where I am. A college education (at the right time), a good job and a very bright future. No one else in my immediate family has gotten that, at least not at this age. My mom is living the life she has always wanted, but didn’t get there until the thirties. Here I am accomplishing this right on time. But yet I’m held back by the past. I know I need to understand and get past certain things for me to really live my life and live it without repeating the past as the rest of my immediate family has.
But still, here I am. Part wishing I could just die in this spot, rather than face the wrath today. I told someone today- I am standing in the middle of hell. I have no parent I can trust, so no one to talk to really. I’m provided monetarily by both parents, but not where it counts- emotionally. I’m an island. There is no one to trust, there is no one to turn to. Just me in the middle of two warring families who swear they are over the other, but still lie to me about what really happen. And so I’m pressed by loyalties. Do I go with Dad or Mom? Who should I believe? Who is telling more of the truth? Which ‘Dad’ is better and who do I owe more to? Because kids are supposed to owe their parents for ‘all that they’ve done for you.’ Give me a break. This is not a position I like. I lived through it once already and look where it got me. It’s times like these that I think I’m not good enough. It’s times like this that exhaust me. It’s times like these that I turn and look for my faithful friend, the one thing that lets me show my pain and shut out the past. I am staying away from the blade for now, but with each passing day, its allure pulls at me. I’m cursed to cry crimson tears, but I would give anything to cry the real ones. But some many times I have to do something, or I’ll completely break. I’m bending now, let’s hope I’m getting more flexible with age. Breaking is not on my top ten things to do. Especially with everything I need to do. So that’s me, bending till I break…let’s hope I can hold on.

6-3 AHHHHHH..okay good, got that out. I now remember why all those years ago I bottled up, why I said goodbye to one father and the rest of his family. Because it causes so much damn conflict in my life, in my head. Yes, I talked to my mother tonight and now face her wrath. First, I practically beg her to come to a therapy session with me. She finally agree’s grudgingly and makes it known that she is ONLY doing this for me. She says she is not the type of person to go to therapy. And she thinks that once she gets inside of the room my therapist and I are just going to attack her and she doesn’t want to get into that. She also thinks it is going to make things worse. That when we come out of therapy, we will feel much animosity toward one another. And then she makes it known that she can be ‘rather confrontational’ and what’s to make sure my therapist wouldn’t have a problem with that. I almost laughed at that. I’d love to see my mom confront my therapist lol. I think my mom is afraid of therapy. She knows that things are going to come out and she will not be comfortable with that. She knows as long as we talk outside of therapy that she has the upper hand…but put her in the room with me and she no longer has control.
She also complained about how it was unfair t hat my father got to meet the people I’m living with before her and meet my therapist first etc. I mean who the fuck cares who meets the family I’m living with first?! What difference does that make. She is mad that he is suddenly in my life and privy to things like this. I finally have a relationship with him and now she is jealous, upset? A little late to voice that kind of opinion. I mean what am I supposed to say? Oh sorry Dad, you are going to have to wait an extra month to see me b/c my mom wants to meet everyone first…and then you can finally come. I mean come on. She is so fucking concerned with outside appearances. But I guess that comes from her past. She has never dealt with her inside stuff, so she concentrates on the outside of things.
I think one of the things I hate the most is the hold she has over me. I mean I feel like complete and utter shit after my conversation with her. The only thing saving me tonight is a kick ass session I had with one of the children I work with. The little ten/fifteen minute talk took everything out of me. I was already super stressed- work is stressful right now, my father just came and I was physically exhausted. Then she took whatever energy I had left. I wanted to die on the spot. For the first time I felt like cutting myself to relieve the pain and I hadn’t thought/had the urge to do so for a long while. So let’s see- see father, slightly happy…talk to mother- pissed as hell. I hate this…it seems like I should hate my father…but it’s almost turning out the opposite way. My mom and I have so many problems. Hence why I want her in the therapy room. I know we can work through them- I just need her to have an open mind.
With her, I almost feel trapped again…I hate that feeling. I feel like she has trapped me inside her warped little world and I’m trying to find my way out. It is so weird talking about her like this…I normally reserved such words for my father. But he was nice, not just because he bought me stuff, but because a piece of me had been missing and now I’d found it. I am from his side of the family… I carry many of their traits and now I know they are not bad traits, yet I still find myself feeling way less than perfect….way less than good. I feel like shit. I feel like I’m in the wrong again and I feel guilty for having this second father.
Well I am completely and utterly exhausted. Time to head for bed. There will be more rants tomorrow morning ;-)

6-2
Yeah, so I saw my father for the first time in six years. Very, very interesting. I mean it just blows my mind...three months ago, I would've sworn that I hated him with every fiber of my being. I would not talk to him or even entertain the idea..now here I am talking with him and enjoying myself. He really is a nice guy and things have changed...and my perceptions of things have changed as well. No longer do I hold him sole responsible for what goes wrong or rather what went wrong. I am now starting to lay everything out for myself. Somehow I have to get to the truth of things.

There are few facts and plenty of unknowns. During the course of my therapy session with my father, he admitted to one affair, but I don't know if there were in fact others. He also claims it was my mother who had numerous affairs, to which she admits none. So I look at this on several fronts and observations. First observation, I remember some actions of my mother that seem to me to be full of much jealousy. Second, based on who much my dad had to be gone because of the military, it would seem she might have sought comfort elsewhere. Same with my dad I think. Third, though she swears up and down that my step father and her were not physically intimate until she separated, I Have my doubts...they were awfully close, awfully fast right after the separation etc...and I wouldn't mind that, as long as she told the truth. On my father's side, I would suspect he had more than one affair, based on how much he was gone etc. but he seemed pretty truthful when he answered.

Now about parenting styles. My father says that he was more laid back and my mom was more violent. I think there is some truth to that...though I remember my father spanking me with the belt more, my feelings were more fearful when I think about my mom (she liked the wooden spoon and slapping). I was definitely more scared of my mother than of my father. Though I remember my father's temper during fights with my mother, I remember her temper when she was pissed at me (or my brother).

A few things evident: My brother and I got shafted= parents too concerned with each other to give us attention and since my brother was worse off than I, he got what little attention there was left to give. I was the good kid, so why would i possibly need help or attention? And then you'd think I'd want to turn bad, but instead I just felt not good enough and strove even harder, thinking then I would get attention or something.

And the more I get older, the more it is quite evident: One PARENT is LYING. And that sucks. The people supposedly closest to you...lying. And people wonder why I don't trust. How can I? My own parents lie to me. And I need to figure out which one. I think to some extent my fat her has lied, but as I get older, the more I think my mom has been lying too much. There are a lot of conflicts in my mind. I can remember incidences and my mother's reaction, but I Take that reaction away and that incidence becomes neutral and not this heated thing. I have a sneaking suspicion that she was somehow able to make me see things her way and her way only.

Should I have ended contact with my father all those years ago? I don't know...maybe it gave me a chance to clear my head without two conflicting stories. It gave me a chance at a little bit of a normal life for a while. I couldn't' deal with having two father's...so I chose one for that time. Right now I'm fueled by searching for the truth. i hate to be lied to and the fact that someone is lying to me still really hurts. And people wondered why I don't trust, why I kept stuff inside and why I cried such crimson red tears. I had people pushing me every which way and telling me stuff I didn't need to know.

So I bottled it up, stopped trusting and hid from the world.

So, now here I am, trying to find my way around the truth...before it really does destroy me. That's all I want...the truth. I will still love both of my parents regardless of what they've done in the past. But I just need to know they are telling the truth.

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June Rants- 2003

6-29
Well I had a good weekend with my family- and I mean all of my family- all of my stepfather’s side…like a mini family reunion. It was nice for once, no problems really. Which of course, is always good.

But still, here I am, at midnight feeling…lost? Maybe alone. Not sure what I’m feeling really. I have started two good things. Exercising and eating better. Now I’m not eating how I’m probably supposed to be eating, but in my opinion its better than it was. And for once, after all of my complaining about running, I decided that was the best way to get my blood flowing in the morning.

But I was thinking this weekend. I am mad. I am mad because I have to fuckin force myself to be normal. I am so tired of all this shit with me. Lately I’ve just felt like a whiney little bastard. I mean, my life couldn’t have been that bad to have caused all this, could it? I look at some people who have had the absolute worst luck, or the worst kind of life and yeah some are going through shit, but then some aren’t. So where is my right to feel this bad?

I just feel like I’m in a fuckin stand still with everything in my life. Work…is well work, that is always special. Things with my ,family are in a holding pattern, therapy has gone to shit, I feel like shit… yeah so it’s all good, can ya tell?

I don’t even know why I’m talking right now. I just don’t wanna do anything. Well, there are a few things in my head, but of course those are the dangerous ways of getting out my feelings ;-) so I’ll stick to just rambling on this page.

Yeah so I’m not making any fucking sense anymore, so I’m going.

6-27
Forget Ms. Independent, I’m Ms. Inconsistent. There is nothing in my life, except maybe my job that I’m consistent in. I don’t take meds consistently, I don’t cut consistently, I don’t do therapy consistently, I don’t see doctors consistently, my school work is inconsistent, my relationships with people are inconsistent. So I just ask why? Why in the hell is my life so inconsistent. What’s almost funny about it is that I love stability. I don’t like things to change. I guess it’s my attempt at compensating for the inconsistencies. There is so much I do for stability. Like with my job, I could make more money, but I love the company and I hate change. I just couldn’t change companies. Same with the place I live and other things. I have to have stability.

I’m switching gears a bit now: I have a prevailing sense that I am lost. When I take a look at myself and wonder what is going on, I get this strong sense of being lost. So that is how I feel- lost. My life is going pretty well, and if someone would take a snapshot it’d look like this: has a steady, wonderful job, a great school, getting a great education, a few good friends, liked by most people, getting along better with family. But inside, I feel torn apart, lost, alone, angry, sad, scared, detached, frustrated, restless, edgy, confused, and insecure. I think that about covers it lol. I know I feel these things, but I can’t specifically call them out, I just feel them there, for whatever reason. But mainly right now I feel lost.

So what does being lost entail? Several things. While my professional life is on the fast track, my personal is at a stand still. I can’t even have a fucking good therapy session anymore. I feel just as lost in there as any place.

I feel lost in taking care of myself. I’m no dummy, I know exactly what needs to be done in the area’s of nutrition and exercise, but for some fucking reason I choose not to do those things. I have drawn up an exercise regimen, and I just pray I stick with it. I am Queen at starting things and then not finishing. It takes me so much will-power to stick with stuff. My attention and drive just shifts and I can’t get into again. I have to work so fucking hard on things that should be easy. I mean other people can get into healthy stuff without a problem- they just do it- so why can’t I just do it. Same with school work- I just can’t do classes I’m not interested in. I know other students have no problem taking a class they are not interested in and passing no problem- but I can’t, I have such a fucking hard time keeping my attention there, keeping me working on it etc. I don’t know why I’m complaining about that.

So here I am today. Just a ball of anger. I’m not even necessarily mad at myself, I’m mad at not knowing why I’m having such a fucking hard time finding myself. Finding out what’s wrong, what’s behind this latest behavior.
It’s not often that I feel like playing with pills, playing with a blade, toying with idea’s of just letting myself go, away from therapy, away from doctors, away from absolutely everything, as well as every other thing in my life. Why am I so hell-bent on destroying myself? That is what it comes down to isn’t it? I am forever sabotaging myself. I am forever trying to destroy what little of me is left. How do I stop that? How do I grab hold of that? I better find out soon…before it is too late.

6-20
Well, this week is going much better than the previous week. Throughout the week, work went extremely well…and it looks like I am getting a job promotion!!!! WAHOO. It’s about time. I’m be basically doing the same thing but getting paid. I used to do a lot of extra stuff for the families and children that I work for, but now I will be doing more of that stuff with the rest of the families my company services and get paid for it. That means my school year is going to be BUSY. I will have my classes, a research team, three children that I work with plus the other 9 families my company services (so I have to do overlaps with other therapists and handle phone calls and questions from parents). So it’s a lot on my plate but I’m excited about it. The town I live in has been needing someone in that position for a while now.

I have been stressed today a lot. That happens today- I just get so anxious and worked up. Luckily the family I’m living with, the mom had some Xanax (spelling?) on hand and asked if I wanted some and so I took Xanax for the first time- and boy what a difference. Normally, when I get the anxious and upset, it ends up in a panic attack or worse. Today I was able to be calm. Though I can feel the effects starting to wear off. Looks like I really need to get a pdoc soon and start on some medications. I’m wondering if anti-depressants are what I need…it seems to me I need something that keeps me stimulated and focused and something that will keep my anxiety down. I can get so worked up and I do not want to go back to having panic attacks every week or turning to cutting to calm me down.

That’s about all the updates for now. I’m so very sorry I really haven’t been around my site lately. I have been getting so exhausted lately, from getting up early, working hard all day, then coming home and not getting to sleep until late. And I should have weekends off, but every weekend I’ve had to do something- from visit my parents, my father coming to visit me, my bosses this weekend and then next weekend, a family reunion. For most people I would suspect family outings on the weekend are okay, but for me they are work. I just want a weekend where I don’t have ANYTHING to do. Just relax, maybe do some therapy with the little boy that I live in- house with.

But such is the life of me. I fill my schedule and though I have “wiggle” room, that somehow get’s lost in the shuffle, if one of the children with autism that I work with is having extra trouble, or someone is needed my time. Oh well. More updates to follow. Hope you guys are well. Take care.

6-17
Alright it’s Tuesday and I’m doing okay. Last week was so awful, as many of you saw in my rants below, I’m not sure what made it such a hell week. I guess a combination of stressors- work, home, etc.

But I’m happy to report this week is going alright. Work stress has been lifted some what, and I went home and actually had a very good time.

My only complaints? I had a not so good therapy session yesterday. Ya know, the kind where you laugh, smile and not really say anything of substance. I know I’ve written about that before. It sucks, makes me think I’m a jackass. What is weird, is everything is so much clearer when I come out of those sessions. When I’m in those sessions, it’s like my brain is just gone and is replaced with the laughing, jovial self. But I know better, my brain is certainly there…and I finally figured it out:

It’s hiding.

I could never quite put my finger on it until later yesterday. What made me really think that I am hiding in those sessions is one conversation I had during therapy. My eating habits are pretty bad, sometimes I eat, sometimes I don’t. Now, I’m bright enough to know that you need to eat well and healthy and that not eating is never a good thing to do. But still, I choose to do that to myself. Just as cutting is a choice I do or do not make, so is eating. But I didn’t have the guts to admit why I don’t eat, or why I choose not to. So I took the coward way out, pretending nothing was wrong and letting my defenses rule me.

I don’t eat, because I don’t want to, because I want to lose weight, because I think I’m fat. I hate even saying that sentence because it sounds so caddy. But I can’t help the way I feel or the way I look at myself in the mirror. I don’t like the way I look. And unfortunately the way I’ve always learned to lose weight is by reducing my food intake. I was the largest my junior year of high school, then I got mono, didn’t eat for a month and lost 20 pounds. Any time I gained back even a little bit of weight I’d get the flu, or depressed etc. and thus lose weight. In my mind, the only way I’ve ever lost weight was do to not eating or severely reducing my food intake. My first semester of my sophomore year of college I had stopped eating all together for a while, until I was forced to (I forget why). But let’s just say that mind set is way set in my mind.

And so that is what I was hiding partially yesterday. But there is more, I know there is. Yesterday, I rendered myself unable to talk. I couldn’t do it. My mind was fighting itself, telling me to talk, but I couldn’t do it, my defenses were there to stop me.

Ya know I almost wonder…forgive me for rambling, but I have some thoughts, and since these are my rants I’m going with them…I wonder why I was so defended. So let’s look at the weekend prior. I had a great weekend with my family. I spent two days at home and it was great…I mean really great. I got along with everyone, got to spend some quality time with my little brothers and my mom was nice and fine. Of course that got me thinking a couple times. I kept wondering what I was doing in therapy. Spending so much time pointing out the bad in my mom, Then I have times like these when she is a great mom, a really great mom. So I wonder what the fuck am I doing saying all these bad things about her…so I begin to think of myself being a not so good person for saying/thinking these things about her. I even toy with the idea of stopping therapy and everything, and just go back to being the “good” daughter because she doesn’t deserve what I’m doing to her.

But enough of me knows better, enough of me understands I’ve been down that route. Still, those were powerful thoughts. I don’t know, but just hypothesizing, I just wonder if that had enough of an effect on me to make me not want to talk, unable to really vocalize what was going on in my head, because it was fighting itself well before I entered the therapy room.

My constant battle: ya think I could just shut it the hell up. I spend so much time fighting myself, that it stops my progress, sometimes regresses, or make me look like a jack ass in front of people trying to help me. Well, I think I’m running out of thoughts and I need to get back to working on some stuff. These rants are a little unclear to me, but have gotten me thinking. I will revisit this tonight because like yesterday, I can see my thoughts already getting in the way, telling me to shut up and that this stuff isn’t true. Grrr, I just wish I could turn my brain off and get it to stop talking to me. I can’t describe the feelings or thoughts in my head, but it’s just not a pleasant experience. Alright I’m out, take care all.

6-11
Depression: my old friend is back…or rather I should say foe. I do not understand why it’s back and boy is it back. It’s hitting me like a truck. Last night, laying in bed at 4:30am still unable to sleep and every time I closed my eyes, nightmares would return until at long last I was just so exhausted…but I awoke three hours later. The past few nights I’ve either stayed up late or I would wake up in the middle of the night. My appetite is gone, I eat only to survive. The stuff I used to love doing no longer hold my interest. And I’m feeling responsible for everything I do or everything that is wrong. You might as well shoot me now.

This isn’t my anger depression where I say “fuck the world,” but what I think is my more dangerous depression. Why the difference b/w the two? I’ll lay them out.

Fuck the world depression: I am very very angry, I not only get mad at myself but everyone else…and my prevailing theme is I am going to stay on this earth just to piss people off and be stubborn. I also don’t have the appetite or sleep problems. And I talk…a lot and express myself.

Dangerous Depression: No outward sign that anything is wrong. I’m quiet and don’t say much. My head will be full of thoughts, good and bad, but I cannot let them out. Writing slows as far as rants go, poetry picks up. And in talking to others, I’m quiet and unassuming. I blame myself and no one else. And I have urges for cutting. But most of all, I get suicidal thoughts…a lot until the point when they become a constant fixture. As yet, I am not to the point, but still, I know I’m on shaky ground, headed toward danger.

I know right now I must be careful. Please Lord, I need help, I need strength and I need courage. I do not need to venture down that path again, it’s too damn hard. My silent prayer…

Hope everyone else is alright, take care.

6-11
My Depression

My long forgotten sleep,
My nightmares return-
Time for concern.

Appetite lost in everything;
Fun a forgotten notion-
Numbing all these emotions.

Pain weighing me down;
Darkness now looms-
Returning to my living tomb.

My heart does not lie,
There is no question:
I’m back with my depression.

6-10
Okay, my mood has just been a very hyper one all day. I think this is due to several things: therapy session in the morning, talk with a favorite prof about psych, work with a kiddo who needed a lot of extra attention and really needed me hyper in therapy to keep his attention and then one of the best sessions ever with another kid. So this all culminates with me being hyper. Which I think is a good thing, because I get more done.

Today, I got a chance to talk to both my mom and biological dad. Both conversations went well. But I find distinct differences in them. Let’s start with my father. He and I “really” talked…about the therapy session, about out future, about the past. We just talked, acknowledging how far we had come and have to go. I could out right admit things, like yeah you weren’t a good father, but we are doing okay now. On the flip side with my mom, we stuck to what we do best- talking about my little brothers and all the crap going on in her life (just got new carpeting, house is a mess etc etc). That is the conversations we have because we can’t talk about anything else without getting worked up. I couldn’t say to her, yeah you were a crappy mom, but we are working through it. Nope, I could almost never say that to her (I’m leaving room for a little hope).
I was thinking today while driving to work how at peace I am starting to feel with my father. After all the smoke and fire has cleared… he’s really there, ready to work on our relationship. He knows how I have felt about him…my website pretty much put to rest how I felt…yet he still contacted me, still wanted a relationship, no matter how hateful I sounded. But I was his daughter and he was willing to work through whatever hatred I felt for him. That shows a lot in someone I think. He didn’t turn his back and he is willing to talk and work through this.

My mom…not so much. I’m still working on her. She cannot lose my love…I may not “like” her right now, but I still love her. She could tell me just about anything, and I would still love her. For me to be at peace with her, I need her to let go, I need her to be able to talk about things without it turning around to her. I need her to not turn her back if I were to say how I really felt. That is what it feels like to me. I open up and get the door slammed in my face. I say that she pushed me to hard- well she comes back with it was for my own good, and she feels that she does not do that anymore, so how could it still be affecting me? I say that she wasn’t a good mother, and…well, we won’t go into her response. I say I’m suicidal and I need to go to the hospital- I get yelled at! I mean who the hell gets yelled at b/c they want to go to a safe place so they don’t die!!! That one I still don’t understand. They are always saying that they are stressed when I go into the hospital etc and that I should understand their feelings and how stressed they are. Notice the key words- “their feelings.” Well I’m willing to bet my feelings are a whole lot more important at the time, considering at those moments I’m liable to kill myself. You don’t really find feelings as intense as that. You’d think, being my parents and all, that they could for once set aside their feelings and insecurities to help me, to support me, to give me a reason to live, not one to die.

Well now I’m just rambling. For some reason, one of the things that hurts the most is when I do happen to decide to go to a safe place and they oppose it…or not necessarily oppose it, but let’s just say they don’t go out of their way to help.

I just wish I could be at peace with my mom. I may not be able to actually tell her how I feel, but at least I would hope we can lay to rest some old stuff and she can be secure with my love and I can be secure with her love. Many times I think that I’m insecure about her love b/c that is what I learned from her- she is insecure with my love. How, I don’t know, but she is.

Well, I better wrap up these rants…apparently I can write long rants ;-) It’s about 2am and I’m FINALLY getting tired. About damn time haha. Hope ya’ll are well and talk to everyone soon I hope.

6-8
Well, I fell asleep last night writing the rant below…I was just exhausted and my brain shut down. I get so many thoughts during the day, but when night came, I could not longer pull them up and get them down on paper. It’s another day of feeling lost. I had my one meal today, pizza rolls/burrito. I’m hungry right now, but have no energy or will to fix something to eat. So what is it? Why am I feeling this way?
I feel like my body is shutting down. I need to find someway to wake it up again. I keep looking ahead to the coming weeks. No days off in site…I mean for two weekends I am going home to my mom and family…but I consider that work. I am on edge when I’m there, constantly watching what I say and do…plus I have two little brother demanding my attention (but I don’t mind that part so much). But it means no sleeping in. And sandwiched in between those weekends, my bosses are coming, so that is a lot of work as well. I just want to get up, go work with my sweet kiddo’s, come home, eat some dinner, play around on the computer (write, research, whatever etc), and go to bed…wake up the next morning and do it all over again. I need that stability. I don’t do well with everything changing all the time. Sure, I hear the critics say that is no life- what about going out etc. Well, I don’t like parties, because I don’t like the crowds and noise, I don’t drink, so that is no fun. And my few good friends have gone home for the summer. Besides, I LIKE what I do. Doesn’t anyone understand that? I enjoy going to do therapy with the kids…I consider that FUN. People tell me to leave time for myself, do other things etc, do something you like. Well I like doing that. Working with those kids are what I like to spend my time doing. Sure, it does get stressful, sometimes I spend sessions with those kids tantruming the whole time (for those unaware, I work with young children with autism), but still, I know in the end, I’m helping these kids. I see their progress, I see the impact my work has.
But that is all beside the point. In fact I really don’t know what my point is. I am just rambling, because all my good thoughts have left me. I had so much I wanted to say, but now all I have is “blah.” Maybe tomorrow will be a better day? I certainly need one. It feels like this week has literally gone on forever. That happens when my week is very broken up. I started it out with my father and therapy, work with some kids on Tuesday and Wednesday, then Thursday I spent it with a prof and Friday was spent doing therapy with a kid and then babysitting the rest of the weekend. So basically four very different sections to my week. I don’t like those types of weeks. They last too long and just so much going on. As I said early, I’m beginning to notice I really like stability in my weeks. Maybe that is why I like school and the school year so much. It’s predictable, it’s stable.
Well my ranting are done…I have nothing left to say, maybe I will tomorrow sometime. Hope everyone is doing well. Take care.

What Life Is This?

What life is this?
Surely this isn’t mine,
For something seems amiss,
As my life heads down this decline-
Out of my state of bliss.

Down to the darkess I descend,
Past all hope, past all light.
I’m done with all this pretend
I’m so tired of this fight
I’m ready to meet this end.

It all started with a flick of the wrist,
One immediate release.
An addiction I could not resist,
Nor find a way to cease-
For I found a way to exist.

But now the time seems to have come,
For me to put an end to this show.
Life has become far too numb,
My high has met it’s low-
To the depths of despair, I succumb.

This blade to the skin
Makes me real,
Gives a voice to the pain within-
This madness I do reveal
Behind the ever-present grin.

Is this the life of me?
Where am I behind the confusion
Pain is as far as I can see.
What’s part of the illusion,
And what’s part of me?

Behind this dark and gloom
Lies the real me inside,
Whose life she wishes to resume-
If she had not died…
Here inside her living tomb.

6-7
Depression: all the signs are there. Hungry, but the thought of eating or food repulses me; Wanting to sleep, but just won’t fall asleep; Losing interest in all activities; Losing my thoughts; Feeling I’m losing myself.
Depression has hit me so many times I can easily tell when it’s here again. And it’s here. I just know it. Even now writing this…I just have a complete and utter lack of interest in doing anything. I am babysitting four kids this weekend (one of them is one of the kids with autism I work with), and normally I would be a hell of a babysitter- hyper, playing, etc…I feel bad because I’m not as involved as I normally am. I was interested in a bunch of stuff and was doing research, but that is falling to the wayside because of me just not being interested. I’m down to one meal a day- lunch that I normally eat around one o’clock and that is it. Just the thought of food makes me want to gag. I’m not an insomniac, but still I will just lie there in bed and not sleep (however, I am aware that you are not supposed to just lay in bed, that was a figure of speech, when I can ‘t sleep, I get on the cpu or go sit on a couch, something etc.) And of course there is just feeling down. I feel down.
So where does this all leave me? I don’t know. But it is driving me nuts. The feeling of wanting to do stuff, but can’t. I mean I physically can, but my mind is somewhere else off in never, never land. That makes it hard to accomplish things, thus I am getting backed up in some work I needed to get done. Granted, if I really looked at what needed to be done, I’d see that it is all extra work. But I like the work and it’s for good.
God, I’m pathetic. Here I am just staring at the screen. I have so many thoughts and have throughout the day, but I just can’t write them. I just can’t do it. That is so very frustrating.
I feel as though I’ve entered another fog. There’s just a thick blanket of it ahead of me and I can’t seem to find my flashlight to see my way through. So I’m here, fumbling around in the dark, in the fog. Somebody please, just light a fire under my ass. I feel lost right now. These are the times that scare me. These are the times that I lose hope. These are the times that I don’t trust myself. So what now? Well, I am keeping busy, but it’s so hard when I feel like crap and I am unmotivated to do anything.

6-6
Okay, I am much calmer today. Went to an autism clinic and calmed down some. Got to watch an intake and speak to my favorite prof for a couple hours about some psych stuff- which is represented in my poll- yes there are finally new questions! So if you wanna just take a few minutes to answer the questions, we were just curious about a few things with self injurers. I might be putting some other questionnaire's up later as well.
I still feel somewhat like crap, but my mood has improved substantially. Though I am still very stressed with everything. But the feelings of wanting to harm myself and other such thoughts have gone away, which is always a good thing.
I might not be around this weekend too much- I have to watch four children this weekend (one of them with autism). I will try to be in and out, but we'll see.
I hope the rest of you are doing alright! Take care.

6-5
So I’ve decided, maybe I should just shut the hell up and quit my whining about everything. Stuff happened but hey it’s not the worst that could happen. Right? Why not bury it, just put it behind me and move forward. That would stop my parents from arguing (through me). Why put my self through this hell again, when I can just smile and laugh. I did it for years, why not do it again. I used to be such a good actor…I kind of suck now at it (thanks to my counselor :-P) But it’s so damn hard to go through this shit right now. So hard. I don’t really know what to do. What sucks is I’m an island, but that is only an illusion b/c I have ties to both my parents that apparently can’t be broken. So I need to cut those ties. I don’t want to be connected, it hurts too much. And who the fuck cares about being hurt anyway…I need to stop feeling that way. I can beat this. I need to just get past it, stuff it, get away from it. But yet, there is this little voice in my head that is preventing that…it’s telling me that I’ve already done that and look where it got me.
There once was a time when I came to a fork in the road. One road would have led over the edge and I would probably have tried to commit suicide a bunch more times and may have been dead by now. I almost let the dark consume me. The second road, which I took, led me to help, to the light, to sanity. Evidently THAT was the hard road, because it’s taking YEARS to set things right and even now, the end seems YEARS away…but the point is that there is an end. It’s years apart, but I guess it’s good that I see an end, but take that away from me…and I’ll be gone for sure.
I don’t know the point of this rant. Just rambling. At this point my brain hurts from thinking to much. I half wish I had the guts to kill myself long ago, save me from this shit. But hell, I’m a chicken who decided to go ahead with it all. Let’s just hope I can keep going, because at this rate…I’m not feeling so good.

These Lies

Heart not made of stone,
Soul locked inside the dark.
Here I stand alone
On this journey, ready to embark.

Back or forward, which way do I go?
Who to believe in this tangled web of lies?
What debt do I owe?
When do I get to cry?

I can’t stand this war raging in my mind,
I can’t stand these bright red tears.
I just wish I was blind
To all of these terrible fears.

The hurt racing through my veins-
I’m an explosion waiting to happen,
Forever, I cannot bear these chains.
Why must I fall again?

I just want it all to end,
I’m tired of waiting for tomorrow.
There’s no more time to mend,
Time to close this show.

The night has come to haunt me once more,
The light slowly begins to die.
I’m finally losing this war,
Because nothing beats these lies.

6-4
I’ve been thinking…what if it is my father lying. I mean I’ve spent most of my life thinking it’s him that has been lying and not my mom. So what if that is true. What if I get in a therapy session with my mom and she gives me her side and it’s contrary to his. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE? I don’t get it. Someone is lying and I must find out who, but then what. Why am I suddenly taking my father’s side and not my mom’s. That is wrong, I should stand by her. She was right, he was not a good father and for him to suddenly appear and for me to jump to his side. That seems wrong. My mom has been there, has supported me (money wise). Don’t I owe it to her to believe her? Don’t I owe it to my step-father to not give my real father a big role in my life?
I just feel so tangled in this web of lies and deceit. Where am I supposed to stand? I’m constantly pushed from one side to the next. I hate this, I hate this so much. It’s not fair to me. Why can’t I just have two sets of family that each love me, and not fight because of me? Why do I have to please every side? Why me? Why do I have to act like the adult between two feuding children? Well, I’m sick and tired of it. I just want to be the kid. I just want to be the kid that is loved for who I am and not for what I owe to everyone. For God sake, I’ve been paying my dues, there is no way I could still be in debt. I’ve bled, I’ve cried (silently), I’ve worked hard…what more do people want from me? I am hurting so much right now, it’s not funny. These are the times that make me turn to a blade. There it’s just me letting go of the pain, me crying out in anger.
I’m tired of being everybody’s pawn in some twisted game. Why can’t my families just be happy for me that I have two families? Yeah, both sides have screwed up, but that is where forgiveness comes in. So my father sucked at being a Dad for quite some time. He is here and now and willing to put in the work to become a better father. He’s willing to accept that I shut him out of my life with no explanation for six long years, yet he is not angry or bitter, just happy to have me talking to him. My mom has constantly been in my life, yet she is not willing to accept that I am having trouble, that I do have problems. She just can’t for the life of her, understand how I have so much in life (good college, great job, good family, a car, money etc) and be so freakin’ depressed. Or why no matter how many times she tells me she loves me and how proud she is of me, I don’t feel like that, but I pick up on what she doesn’t like.
Maybe she is right. Maybe I have no reason to feel so out of whack. I do have so much in this life, why in the hell should I be fucked up? She thinks I am constantly living in the past, that I should not be thinking about what happened to me as a child. That is what she has done. She doesn’t think about what happened to her, she just let go somehow. So now she never thinks about it, doesn’t want to and then everything is happy. She put that part of her life in the past under a think solid rock and does not wish to revisit it. But here I am, moving all of my rocks and rustling up the past. And why do I do that? So I can live another day. If I don’t, then I will just repeat the same mistakes that the rest of my family has. I am the first person in my immediate family to get where I am. A college education (at the right time), a good job and a very bright future. No one else in my immediate family has gotten that, at least not at this age. My mom is living the life she has always wanted, but didn’t get there until the thirties. Here I am accomplishing this right on time. But yet I’m held back by the past. I know I need to understand and get past certain things for me to really live my life and live it without repeating the past as the rest of my immediate family has.
But still, here I am. Part wishing I could just die in this spot, rather than face the wrath today. I told someone today- I am standing in the middle of hell. I have no parent I can trust, so no one to talk to really. I’m provided monetarily by both parents, but not where it counts- emotionally. I’m an island. There is no one to trust, there is no one to turn to. Just me in the middle of two warring families who swear they are over the other, but still lie to me about what really happen. And so I’m pressed by loyalties. Do I go with Dad or Mom? Who should I believe? Who is telling more of the truth? Which ‘Dad’ is better and who do I owe more to? Because kids are supposed to owe their parents for ‘all that they’ve done for you.’ Give me a break. This is not a position I like. I lived through it once already and look where it got me. It’s times like these that I think I’m not good enough. It’s times like this that exhaust me. It’s times like these that I turn and look for my faithful friend, the one thing that lets me show my pain and shut out the past. I am staying away from the blade for now, but with each passing day, its allure pulls at me. I’m cursed to cry crimson tears, but I would give anything to cry the real ones. But some many times I have to do something, or I’ll completely break. I’m bending now, let’s hope I’m getting more flexible with age. Breaking is not on my top ten things to do. Especially with everything I need to do. So that’s me, bending till I break…let’s hope I can hold on.

6-3 AHHHHHH..okay good, got that out. I now remember why all those years ago I bottled up, why I said goodbye to one father and the rest of his family. Because it causes so much damn conflict in my life, in my head. Yes, I talked to my mother tonight and now face her wrath. First, I practically beg her to come to a therapy session with me. She finally agree’s grudgingly and makes it known that she is ONLY doing this for me. She says she is not the type of person to go to therapy. And she thinks that once she gets inside of the room my therapist and I are just going to attack her and she doesn’t want to get into that. She also thinks it is going to make things worse. That when we come out of therapy, we will feel much animosity toward one another. And then she makes it known that she can be ‘rather confrontational’ and what’s to make sure my therapist wouldn’t have a problem with that. I almost laughed at that. I’d love to see my mom confront my therapist lol. I think my mom is afraid of therapy. She knows that things are going to come out and she will not be comfortable with that. She knows as long as we talk outside of therapy that she has the upper hand…but put her in the room with me and she no longer has control.
She also complained about how it was unfair t hat my father got to meet the people I’m living with before her and meet my therapist first etc. I mean who the fuck cares who meets the family I’m living with first?! What difference does that make. She is mad that he is suddenly in my life and privy to things like this. I finally have a relationship with him and now she is jealous, upset? A little late to voice that kind of opinion. I mean what am I supposed to say? Oh sorry Dad, you are going to have to wait an extra month to see me b/c my mom wants to meet everyone first…and then you can finally come. I mean come on. She is so fucking concerned with outside appearances. But I guess that comes from her past. She has never dealt with her inside stuff, so she concentrates on the outside of things.
I think one of the things I hate the most is the hold she has over me. I mean I feel like complete and utter shit after my conversation with her. The only thing saving me tonight is a kick ass session I had with one of the children I work with. The little ten/fifteen minute talk took everything out of me. I was already super stressed- work is stressful right now, my father just came and I was physically exhausted. Then she took whatever energy I had left. I wanted to die on the spot. For the first time I felt like cutting myself to relieve the pain and I hadn’t thought/had the urge to do so for a long while. So let’s see- see father, slightly happy…talk to mother- pissed as hell. I hate this…it seems like I should hate my father…but it’s almost turning out the opposite way. My mom and I have so many problems. Hence why I want her in the therapy room. I know we can work through them- I just need her to have an open mind.
With her, I almost feel trapped again…I hate that feeling. I feel like she has trapped me inside her warped little world and I’m trying to find my way out. It is so weird talking about her like this…I normally reserved such words for my father. But he was nice, not just because he bought me stuff, but because a piece of me had been missing and now I’d found it. I am from his side of the family… I carry many of their traits and now I know they are not bad traits, yet I still find myself feeling way less than perfect….way less than good. I feel like shit. I feel like I’m in the wrong again and I feel guilty for having this second father.
Well I am completely and utterly exhausted. Time to head for bed. There will be more rants tomorrow morning ;-)

6-2
Yeah, so I saw my father for the first time in six years. Very, very interesting. I mean it just blows my mind...three months ago, I would've sworn that I hated him with every fiber of my being. I would not talk to him or even entertain the idea..now here I am talking with him and enjoying myself. He really is a nice guy and things have changed...and my perceptions of things have changed as well. No longer do I hold him sole responsible for what goes wrong or rather what went wrong. I am now starting to lay everything out for myself. Somehow I have to get to the truth of things.

There are few facts and plenty of unknowns. During the course of my therapy session with my father, he admitted to one affair, but I don't know if there were in fact others. He also claims it was my mother who had numerous affairs, to which she admits none. So I look at this on several fronts and observations. First observation, I remember some actions of my mother that seem to me to be full of much jealousy. Second, based on who much my dad had to be gone because of the military, it would seem she might have sought comfort elsewhere. Same with my dad I think. Third, though she swears up and down that my step father and her were not physically intimate until she separated, I Have my doubts...they were awfully close, awfully fast right after the separation etc...and I wouldn't mind that, as long as she told the truth. On my father's side, I would suspect he had more than one affair, based on how much he was gone etc. but he seemed pretty truthful when he answered.

Now about parenting styles. My father says that he was more laid back and my mom was more violent. I think there is some truth to that...though I remember my father spanking me with the belt more, my feelings were more fearful when I think about my mom (she liked the wooden spoon and slapping). I was definitely more scared of my mother than of my father. Though I remember my father's temper during fights with my mother, I remember her temper when she was pissed at me (or my brother).

A few things evident: My brother and I got shafted= parents too concerned with each other to give us attention and since my brother was worse off than I, he got what little attention there was left to give. I was the good kid, so why would i possibly need help or attention? And then you'd think I'd want to turn bad, but instead I just felt not good enough and strove even harder, thinking then I would get attention or something.

And the more I get older, the more it is quite evident: One PARENT is LYING. And that sucks. The people supposedly closest to you...lying. And people wonder why I don't trust. How can I? My own parents lie to me. And I need to figure out which one. I think to some extent my fat her has lied, but as I get older, the more I think my mom has been lying too much. There are a lot of conflicts in my mind. I can remember incidences and my mother's reaction, but I Take that reaction away and that incidence becomes neutral and not this heated thing. I have a sneaking suspicion that she was somehow able to make me see things her way and her way only.

Should I have ended contact with my father all those years ago? I don't know...maybe it gave me a chance to clear my head without two conflicting stories. It gave me a chance at a little bit of a normal life for a while. I couldn't' deal with having two father's...so I chose one for that time. Right now I'm fueled by searching for the truth. i hate to be lied to and the fact that someone is lying to me still really hurts. And people wondered why I don't trust, why I kept stuff inside and why I cried such crimson red tears. I had people pushing me every which way and telling me stuff I didn't need to know.

So I bottled it up, stopped trusting and hid from the world.

So, now here I am, trying to find my way around the truth...before it really does destroy me. That's all I want...the truth. I will still love both of my parents regardless of what they've done in the past. But I just need to know they are telling the truth.

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June Rants- 2003

6-29
Well I had a good weekend with my family- and I mean all of my family- all of my stepfather’s side…like a mini family reunion. It was nice for once, no problems really. Which of course, is always good.

But still, here I am, at midnight feeling…lost? Maybe alone. Not sure what I’m feeling really. I have started two good things. Exercising and eating better. Now I’m not eating how I’m probably supposed to be eating, but in my opinion its better than it was. And for once, after all of my complaining about running, I decided that was the best way to get my blood flowing in the morning.

But I was thinking this weekend. I am mad. I am mad because I have to fuckin force myself to be normal. I am so tired of all this shit with me. Lately I’ve just felt like a whiney little bastard. I mean, my life couldn’t have been that bad to have caused all this, could it? I look at some people who have had the absolute worst luck, or the worst kind of life and yeah some are going through shit, but then some aren’t. So where is my right to feel this bad?

I just feel like I’m in a fuckin stand still with everything in my life. Work…is well work, that is always special. Things with my ,family are in a holding pattern, therapy has gone to shit, I feel like shit… yeah so it’s all good, can ya tell?

I don’t even know why I’m talking right now. I just don’t wanna do anything. Well, there are a few things in my head, but of course those are the dangerous ways of getting out my feelings ;-) so I’ll stick to just rambling on this page.

Yeah so I’m not making any fucking sense anymore, so I’m going.

6-27
Forget Ms. Independent, I’m Ms. Inconsistent. There is nothing in my life, except maybe my job that I’m consistent in. I don’t take meds consistently, I don’t cut consistently, I don’t do therapy consistently, I don’t see doctors consistently, my school work is inconsistent, my relationships with people are inconsistent. So I just ask why? Why in the hell is my life so inconsistent. What’s almost funny about it is that I love stability. I don’t like things to change. I guess it’s my attempt at compensating for the inconsistencies. There is so much I do for stability. Like with my job, I could make more money, but I love the company and I hate change. I just couldn’t change companies. Same with the place I live and other things. I have to have stability.

I’m switching gears a bit now: I have a prevailing sense that I am lost. When I take a look at myself and wonder what is going on, I get this strong sense of being lost. So that is how I feel- lost. My life is going pretty well, and if someone would take a snapshot it’d look like this: has a steady, wonderful job, a great school, getting a great education, a few good friends, liked by most people, getting along better with family. But inside, I feel torn apart, lost, alone, angry, sad, scared, detached, frustrated, restless, edgy, confused, and insecure. I think that about covers it lol. I know I feel these things, but I can’t specifically call them out, I just feel them there, for whatever reason. But mainly right now I feel lost.

So what does being lost entail? Several things. While my professional life is on the fast track, my personal is at a stand still. I can’t even have a fucking good therapy session anymore. I feel just as lost in there as any place.

I feel lost in taking care of myself. I’m no dummy, I know exactly what needs to be done in the area’s of nutrition and exercise, but for some fucking reason I choose not to do those things. I have drawn up an exercise regimen, and I just pray I stick with it. I am Queen at starting things and then not finishing. It takes me so much will-power to stick with stuff. My attention and drive just shifts and I can’t get into again. I have to work so fucking hard on things that should be easy. I mean other people can get into healthy stuff without a problem- they just do it- so why can’t I just do it. Same with school work- I just can’t do classes I’m not interested in. I know other students have no problem taking a class they are not interested in and passing no problem- but I can’t, I have such a fucking hard time keeping my attention there, keeping me working on it etc. I don’t know why I’m complaining about that.

So here I am today. Just a ball of anger. I’m not even necessarily mad at myself, I’m mad at not knowing why I’m having such a fucking hard time finding myself. Finding out what’s wrong, what’s behind this latest behavior.
It’s not often that I feel like playing with pills, playing with a blade, toying with idea’s of just letting myself go, away from therapy, away from doctors, away from absolutely everything, as well as every other thing in my life. Why am I so hell-bent on destroying myself? That is what it comes down to isn’t it? I am forever sabotaging myself. I am forever trying to destroy what little of me is left. How do I stop that? How do I grab hold of that? I better find out soon…before it is too late.

6-20
Well, this week is going much better than the previous week. Throughout the week, work went extremely well…and it looks like I am getting a job promotion!!!! WAHOO. It’s about time. I’m be basically doing the same thing but getting paid. I used to do a lot of extra stuff for the families and children that I work for, but now I will be doing more of that stuff with the rest of the families my company services and get paid for it. That means my school year is going to be BUSY. I will have my classes, a research team, three children that I work with plus the other 9 families my company services (so I have to do overlaps with other therapists and handle phone calls and questions from parents). So it’s a lot on my plate but I’m excited about it. The town I live in has been needing someone in that position for a while now.

I have been stressed today a lot. That happens today- I just get so anxious and worked up. Luckily the family I’m living with, the mom had some Xanax (spelling?) on hand and asked if I wanted some and so I took Xanax for the first time- and boy what a difference. Normally, when I get the anxious and upset, it ends up in a panic attack or worse. Today I was able to be calm. Though I can feel the effects starting to wear off. Looks like I really need to get a pdoc soon and start on some medications. I’m wondering if anti-depressants are what I need…it seems to me I need something that keeps me stimulated and focused and something that will keep my anxiety down. I can get so worked up and I do not want to go back to having panic attacks every week or turning to cutting to calm me down.

That’s about all the updates for now. I’m so very sorry I really haven’t been around my site lately. I have been getting so exhausted lately, from getting up early, working hard all day, then coming home and not getting to sleep until late. And I should have weekends off, but every weekend I’ve had to do something- from visit my parents, my father coming to visit me, my bosses this weekend and then next weekend, a family reunion. For most people I would suspect family outings on the weekend are okay, but for me they are work. I just want a weekend where I don’t have ANYTHING to do. Just relax, maybe do some therapy with the little boy that I live in- house with.

But such is the life of me. I fill my schedule and though I have “wiggle” room, that somehow get’s lost in the shuffle, if one of the children with autism that I work with is having extra trouble, or someone is needed my time. Oh well. More updates to follow. Hope you guys are well. Take care.

6-17
Alright it’s Tuesday and I’m doing okay. Last week was so awful, as many of you saw in my rants below, I’m not sure what made it such a hell week. I guess a combination of stressors- work, home, etc.

But I’m happy to report this week is going alright. Work stress has been lifted some what, and I went home and actually had a very good time.

My only complaints? I had a not so good therapy session yesterday. Ya know, the kind where you laugh, smile and not really say anything of substance. I know I’ve written about that before. It sucks, makes me think I’m a jackass. What is weird, is everything is so much clearer when I come out of those sessions. When I’m in those sessions, it’s like my brain is just gone and is replaced with the laughing, jovial self. But I know better, my brain is certainly there…and I finally figured it out:

It’s hiding.

I could never quite put my finger on it until later yesterday. What made me really think that I am hiding in those sessions is one conversation I had during therapy. My eating habits are pretty bad, sometimes I eat, sometimes I don’t. Now, I’m bright enough to know that you need to eat well and healthy and that not eating is never a good thing to do. But still, I choose to do that to myself. Just as cutting is a choice I do or do not make, so is eating. But I didn’t have the guts to admit why I don’t eat, or why I choose not to. So I took the coward way out, pretending nothing was wrong and letting my defenses rule me.

I don’t eat, because I don’t want to, because I want to lose weight, because I think I’m fat. I hate even saying that sentence because it sounds so caddy. But I can’t help the way I feel or the way I look at myself in the mirror. I don’t like the way I look. And unfortunately the way I’ve always learned to lose weight is by reducing my food intake. I was the largest my junior year of high school, then I got mono, didn’t eat for a month and lost 20 pounds. Any time I gained back even a little bit of weight I’d get the flu, or depressed etc. and thus lose weight. In my mind, the only way I’ve ever lost weight was do to not eating or severely reducing my food intake. My first semester of my sophomore year of college I had stopped eating all together for a while, until I was forced to (I forget why). But let’s just say that mind set is way set in my mind.

And so that is what I was hiding partially yesterday. But there is more, I know there is. Yesterday, I rendered myself unable to talk. I couldn’t do it. My mind was fighting itself, telling me to talk, but I couldn’t do it, my defenses were there to stop me.

Ya know I almost wonder…forgive me for rambling, but I have some thoughts, and since these are my rants I’m going with them…I wonder why I was so defended. So let’s look at the weekend prior. I had a great weekend with my family. I spent two days at home and it was great…I mean really great. I got along with everyone, got to spend some quality time with my little brothers and my mom was nice and fine. Of course that got me thinking a couple times. I kept wondering what I was doing in therapy. Spending so much time pointing out the bad in my mom, Then I have times like these when she is a great mom, a really great mom. So I wonder what the fuck am I doing saying all these bad things about her…so I begin to think of myself being a not so good person for saying/thinking these things about her. I even toy with the idea of stopping therapy and everything, and just go back to being the “good” daughter because she doesn’t deserve what I’m doing to her.

But enough of me knows better, enough of me understands I’ve been down that route. Still, those were powerful thoughts. I don’t know, but just hypothesizing, I just wonder if that had enough of an effect on me to make me not want to talk, unable to really vocalize what was going on in my head, because it was fighting itself well before I entered the therapy room.

My constant battle: ya think I could just shut it the hell up. I spend so much time fighting myself, that it stops my progress, sometimes regresses, or make me look like a jack ass in front of people trying to help me. Well, I think I’m running out of thoughts and I need to get back to working on some stuff. These rants are a little unclear to me, but have gotten me thinking. I will revisit this tonight because like yesterday, I can see my thoughts already getting in the way, telling me to shut up and that this stuff isn’t true. Grrr, I just wish I could turn my brain off and get it to stop talking to me. I can’t describe the feelings or thoughts in my head, but it’s just not a pleasant experience. Alright I’m out, take care all.

6-11
Depression: my old friend is back…or rather I should say foe. I do not understand why it’s back and boy is it back. It’s hitting me like a truck. Last night, laying in bed at 4:30am still unable to sleep and every time I closed my eyes, nightmares would return until at long last I was just so exhausted…but I awoke three hours later. The past few nights I’ve either stayed up late or I would wake up in the middle of the night. My appetite is gone, I eat only to survive. The stuff I used to love doing no longer hold my interest. And I’m feeling responsible for everything I do or everything that is wrong. You might as well shoot me now.

This isn’t my anger depression where I say “fuck the world,” but what I think is my more dangerous depression. Why the difference b/w the two? I’ll lay them out.

Fuck the world depression: I am very very angry, I not only get mad at myself but everyone else…and my prevailing theme is I am going to stay on this earth just to piss people off and be stubborn. I also don’t have the appetite or sleep problems. And I talk…a lot and express myself.

Dangerous Depression: No outward sign that anything is wrong. I’m quiet and don’t say much. My head will be full of thoughts, good and bad, but I cannot let them out. Writing slows as far as rants go, poetry picks up. And in talking to others, I’m quiet and unassuming. I blame myself and no one else. And I have urges for cutting. But most of all, I get suicidal thoughts…a lot until the point when they become a constant fixture. As yet, I am not to the point, but still, I know I’m on shaky ground, headed toward danger.

I know right now I must be careful. Please Lord, I need help, I need strength and I need courage. I do not need to venture down that path again, it’s too damn hard. My silent prayer…

Hope everyone else is alright, take care.

6-11
My Depression

My long forgotten sleep,
My nightmares return-
Time for concern.

Appetite lost in everything;
Fun a forgotten notion-
Numbing all these emotions.

Pain weighing me down;
Darkness now looms-
Returning to my living tomb.

My heart does not lie,
There is no question:
I’m back with my depression.

6-10
Okay, my mood has just been a very hyper one all day. I think this is due to several things: therapy session in the morning, talk with a favorite prof about psych, work with a kiddo who needed a lot of extra attention and really needed me hyper in therapy to keep his attention and then one of the best sessions ever with another kid. So this all culminates with me being hyper. Which I think is a good thing, because I get more done.

Today, I got a chance to talk to both my mom and biological dad. Both conversations went well. But I find distinct differences in them. Let’s start with my father. He and I “really” talked…about the therapy session, about out future, about the past. We just talked, acknowledging how far we had come and have to go. I could out right admit things, like yeah you weren’t a good father, but we are doing okay now. On the flip side with my mom, we stuck to what we do best- talking about my little brothers and all the crap going on in her life (just got new carpeting, house is a mess etc etc). That is the conversations we have because we can’t talk about anything else without getting worked up. I couldn’t say to her, yeah you were a crappy mom, but we are working through it. Nope, I could almost never say that to her (I’m leaving room for a little hope).
I was thinking today while driving to work how at peace I am starting to feel with my father. After all the smoke and fire has cleared… he’s really there, ready to work on our relationship. He knows how I have felt about him…my website pretty much put to rest how I felt…yet he still contacted me, still wanted a relationship, no matter how hateful I sounded. But I was his daughter and he was willing to work through whatever hatred I felt for him. That shows a lot in someone I think. He didn’t turn his back and he is willing to talk and work through this.

My mom…not so much. I’m still working on her. She cannot lose my love…I may not “like” her right now, but I still love her. She could tell me just about anything, and I would still love her. For me to be at peace with her, I need her to let go, I need her to be able to talk about things without it turning around to her. I need her to not turn her back if I were to say how I really felt. That is what it feels like to me. I open up and get the door slammed in my face. I say that she pushed me to hard- well she comes back with it was for my own good, and she feels that she does not do that anymore, so how could it still be affecting me? I say that she wasn’t a good mother, and…well, we won’t go into her response. I say I’m suicidal and I need to go to the hospital- I get yelled at! I mean who the hell gets yelled at b/c they want to go to a safe place so they don’t die!!! That one I still don’t understand. They are always saying that they are stressed when I go into the hospital etc and that I should understand their feelings and how stressed they are. Notice the key words- “their feelings.” Well I’m willing to bet my feelings are a whole lot more important at the time, considering at those moments I’m liable to kill myself. You don’t really find feelings as intense as that. You’d think, being my parents and all, that they could for once set aside their feelings and insecurities to help me, to support me, to give me a reason to live, not one to die.

Well now I’m just rambling. For some reason, one of the things that hurts the most is when I do happen to decide to go to a safe place and they oppose it…or not necessarily oppose it, but let’s just say they don’t go out of their way to help.

I just wish I could be at peace with my mom. I may not be able to actually tell her how I feel, but at least I would hope we can lay to rest some old stuff and she can be secure with my love and I can be secure with her love. Many times I think that I’m insecure about her love b/c that is what I learned from her- she is insecure with my love. How, I don’t know, but she is.

Well, I better wrap up these rants…apparently I can write long rants ;-) It’s about 2am and I’m FINALLY getting tired. About damn time haha. Hope ya’ll are well and talk to everyone soon I hope.

6-8
Well, I fell asleep last night writing the rant below…I was just exhausted and my brain shut down. I get so many thoughts during the day, but when night came, I could not longer pull them up and get them down on paper. It’s another day of feeling lost. I had my one meal today, pizza rolls/burrito. I’m hungry right now, but have no energy or will to fix something to eat. So what is it? Why am I feeling this way?
I feel like my body is shutting down. I need to find someway to wake it up again. I keep looking ahead to the coming weeks. No days off in site…I mean for two weekends I am going home to my mom and family…but I consider that work. I am on edge when I’m there, constantly watching what I say and do…plus I have two little brother demanding my attention (but I don’t mind that part so much). But it means no sleeping in. And sandwiched in between those weekends, my bosses are coming, so that is a lot of work as well. I just want to get up, go work with my sweet kiddo’s, come home, eat some dinner, play around on the computer (write, research, whatever etc), and go to bed…wake up the next morning and do it all over again. I need that stability. I don’t do well with everything changing all the time. Sure, I hear the critics say that is no life- what about going out etc. Well, I don’t like parties, because I don’t like the crowds and noise, I don’t drink, so that is no fun. And my few good friends have gone home for the summer. Besides, I LIKE what I do. Doesn’t anyone understand that? I enjoy going to do therapy with the kids…I consider that FUN. People tell me to leave time for myself, do other things etc, do something you like. Well I like doing that. Working with those kids are what I like to spend my time doing. Sure, it does get stressful, sometimes I spend sessions with those kids tantruming the whole time (for those unaware, I work with young children with autism), but still, I know in the end, I’m helping these kids. I see their progress, I see the impact my work has.
But that is all beside the point. In fact I really don’t know what my point is. I am just rambling, because all my good thoughts have left me. I had so much I wanted to say, but now all I have is “blah.” Maybe tomorrow will be a better day? I certainly need one. It feels like this week has literally gone on forever. That happens when my week is very broken up. I started it out with my father and therapy, work with some kids on Tuesday and Wednesday, then Thursday I spent it with a prof and Friday was spent doing therapy with a kid and then babysitting the rest of the weekend. So basically four very different sections to my week. I don’t like those types of weeks. They last too long and just so much going on. As I said early, I’m beginning to notice I really like stability in my weeks. Maybe that is why I like school and the school year so much. It’s predictable, it’s stable.
Well my ranting are done…I have nothing left to say, maybe I will tomorrow sometime. Hope everyone is doing well. Take care.

What Life Is This?

What life is this?
Surely this isn’t mine,
For something seems amiss,
As my life heads down this decline-
Out of my state of bliss.

Down to the darkess I descend,
Past all hope, past all light.
I’m done with all this pretend
I’m so tired of this fight
I’m ready to meet this end.

It all started with a flick of the wrist,
One immediate release.
An addiction I could not resist,
Nor find a way to cease-
For I found a way to exist.

But now the time seems to have come,
For me to put an end to this show.
Life has become far too numb,
My high has met it’s low-
To the depths of despair, I succumb.

This blade to the skin
Makes me real,
Gives a voice to the pain within-
This madness I do reveal
Behind the ever-present grin.

Is this the life of me?
Where am I behind the confusion
Pain is as far as I can see.
What’s part of the illusion,
And what’s part of me?

Behind this dark and gloom
Lies the real me inside,
Whose life she wishes to resume-
If she had not died…
Here inside her living tomb.

6-7
Depression: all the signs are there. Hungry, but the thought of eating or food repulses me; Wanting to sleep, but just won’t fall asleep; Losing interest in all activities; Losing my thoughts; Feeling I’m losing myself.
Depression has hit me so many times I can easily tell when it’s here again. And it’s here. I just know it. Even now writing this…I just have a complete and utter lack of interest in doing anything. I am babysitting four kids this weekend (one of them is one of the kids with autism I work with), and normally I would be a hell of a babysitter- hyper, playing, etc…I feel bad because I’m not as involved as I normally am. I was interested in a bunch of stuff and was doing research, but that is falling to the wayside because of me just not being interested. I’m down to one meal a day- lunch that I normally eat around one o’clock and that is it. Just the thought of food makes me want to gag. I’m not an insomniac, but still I will just lie there in bed and not sleep (however, I am aware that you are not supposed to just lay in bed, that was a figure of speech, when I can ‘t sleep, I get on the cpu or go sit on a couch, something etc.) And of course there is just feeling down. I feel down.
So where does this all leave me? I don’t know. But it is driving me nuts. The feeling of wanting to do stuff, but can’t. I mean I physically can, but my mind is somewhere else off in never, never land. That makes it hard to accomplish things, thus I am getting backed up in some work I needed to get done. Granted, if I really looked at what needed to be done, I’d see that it is all extra work. But I like the work and it’s for good.
God, I’m pathetic. Here I am just staring at the screen. I have so many thoughts and have throughout the day, but I just can’t write them. I just can’t do it. That is so very frustrating.
I feel as though I’ve entered another fog. There’s just a thick blanket of it ahead of me and I can’t seem to find my flashlight to see my way through. So I’m here, fumbling around in the dark, in the fog. Somebody please, just light a fire under my ass. I feel lost right now. These are the times that scare me. These are the times that I lose hope. These are the times that I don’t trust myself. So what now? Well, I am keeping busy, but it’s so hard when I feel like crap and I am unmotivated to do anything.

6-6
Okay, I am much calmer today. Went to an autism clinic and calmed down some. Got to watch an intake and speak to my favorite prof for a couple hours about some psych stuff- which is represented in my poll- yes there are finally new questions! So if you wanna just take a few minutes to answer the questions, we were just curious about a few things with self injurers. I might be putting some other questionnaire's up later as well.
I still feel somewhat like crap, but my mood has improved substantially. Though I am still very stressed with everything. But the feelings of wanting to harm myself and other such thoughts have gone away, which is always a good thing.
I might not be around this weekend too much- I have to watch four children this weekend (one of them with autism). I will try to be in and out, but we'll see.
I hope the rest of you are doing alright! Take care.

6-5
So I’ve decided, maybe I should just shut the hell up and quit my whining about everything. Stuff happened but hey it’s not the worst that could happen. Right? Why not bury it, just put it behind me and move forward. That would stop my parents from arguing (through me). Why put my self through this hell again, when I can just smile and laugh. I did it for years, why not do it again. I used to be such a good actor…I kind of suck now at it (thanks to my counselor :-P) But it’s so damn hard to go through this shit right now. So hard. I don’t really know what to do. What sucks is I’m an island, but that is only an illusion b/c I have ties to both my parents that apparently can’t be broken. So I need to cut those ties. I don’t want to be connected, it hurts too much. And who the fuck cares about being hurt anyway…I need to stop feeling that way. I can beat this. I need to just get past it, stuff it, get away from it. But yet, there is this little voice in my head that is preventing that…it’s telling me that I’ve already done that and look where it got me.
There once was a time when I came to a fork in the road. One road would have led over the edge and I would probably have tried to commit suicide a bunch more times and may have been dead by now. I almost let the dark consume me. The second road, which I took, led me to help, to the light, to sanity. Evidently THAT was the hard road, because it’s taking YEARS to set things right and even now, the end seems YEARS away…but the point is that there is an end. It’s years apart, but I guess it’s good that I see an end, but take that away from me…and I’ll be gone for sure.
I don’t know the point of this rant. Just rambling. At this point my brain hurts from thinking to much. I half wish I had the guts to kill myself long ago, save me from this shit. But hell, I’m a chicken who decided to go ahead with it all. Let’s just hope I can keep going, because at this rate…I’m not feeling so good.

These Lies

Heart not made of stone,
Soul locked inside the dark.
Here I stand alone
On this journey, ready to embark.

Back or forward, which way do I go?
Who to believe in this tangled web of lies?
What debt do I owe?
When do I get to cry?

I can’t stand this war raging in my mind,
I can’t stand these bright red tears.
I just wish I was blind
To all of these terrible fears.

The hurt racing through my veins-
I’m an explosion waiting to happen,
Forever, I cannot bear these chains.
Why must I fall again?

I just want it all to end,
I’m tired of waiting for tomorrow.
There’s no more time to mend,
Time to close this show.

The night has come to haunt me once more,
The light slowly begins to die.
I’m finally losing this war,
Because nothing beats these lies.

6-4
I’ve been thinking…what if it is my father lying. I mean I’ve spent most of my life thinking it’s him that has been lying and not my mom. So what if that is true. What if I get in a therapy session with my mom and she gives me her side and it’s contrary to his. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE? I don’t get it. Someone is lying and I must find out who, but then what. Why am I suddenly taking my father’s side and not my mom’s. That is wrong, I should stand by her. She was right, he was not a good father and for him to suddenly appear and for me to jump to his side. That seems wrong. My mom has been there, has supported me (money wise). Don’t I owe it to her to believe her? Don’t I owe it to my step-father to not give my real father a big role in my life?
I just feel so tangled in this web of lies and deceit. Where am I supposed to stand? I’m constantly pushed from one side to the next. I hate this, I hate this so much. It’s not fair to me. Why can’t I just have two sets of family that each love me, and not fight because of me? Why do I have to please every side? Why me? Why do I have to act like the adult between two feuding children? Well, I’m sick and tired of it. I just want to be the kid. I just want to be the kid that is loved for who I am and not for what I owe to everyone. For God sake, I’ve been paying my dues, there is no way I could still be in debt. I’ve bled, I’ve cried (silently), I’ve worked hard…what more do people want from me? I am hurting so much right now, it’s not funny. These are the times that make me turn to a blade. There it’s just me letting go of the pain, me crying out in anger.
I’m tired of being everybody’s pawn in some twisted game. Why can’t my families just be happy for me that I have two families? Yeah, both sides have screwed up, but that is where forgiveness comes in. So my father sucked at being a Dad for quite some time. He is here and now and willing to put in the work to become a better father. He’s willing to accept that I shut him out of my life with no explanation for six long years, yet he is not angry or bitter, just happy to have me talking to him. My mom has constantly been in my life, yet she is not willing to accept that I am having trouble, that I do have problems. She just can’t for the life of her, understand how I have so much in life (good college, great job, good family, a car, money etc) and be so freakin’ depressed. Or why no matter how many times she tells me she loves me and how proud she is of me, I don’t feel like that, but I pick up on what she doesn’t like.
Maybe she is right. Maybe I have no reason to feel so out of whack. I do have so much in this life, why in the hell should I be fucked up? She thinks I am constantly living in the past, that I should not be thinking about what happened to me as a child. That is what she has done. She doesn’t think about what happened to her, she just let go somehow. So now she never thinks about it, doesn’t want to and then everything is happy. She put that part of her life in the past under a think solid rock and does not wish to revisit it. But here I am, moving all of my rocks and rustling up the past. And why do I do that? So I can live another day. If I don’t, then I will just repeat the same mistakes that the rest of my family has. I am the first person in my immediate family to get where I am. A college education (at the right time), a good job and a very bright future. No one else in my immediate family has gotten that, at least not at this age. My mom is living the life she has always wanted, but didn’t get there until the thirties. Here I am accomplishing this right on time. But yet I’m held back by the past. I know I need to understand and get past certain things for me to really live my life and live it without repeating the past as the rest of my immediate family has.
But still, here I am. Part wishing I could just die in this spot, rather than face the wrath today. I told someone today- I am standing in the middle of hell. I have no parent I can trust, so no one to talk to really. I’m provided monetarily by both parents, but not where it counts- emotionally. I’m an island. There is no one to trust, there is no one to turn to. Just me in the middle of two warring families who swear they are over the other, but still lie to me about what really happen. And so I’m pressed by loyalties. Do I go with Dad or Mom? Who should I believe? Who is telling more of the truth? Which ‘Dad’ is better and who do I owe more to? Because kids are supposed to owe their parents for ‘all that they’ve done for you.’ Give me a break. This is not a position I like. I lived through it once already and look where it got me. It’s times like these that I think I’m not good enough. It’s times like this that exhaust me. It’s times like these that I turn and look for my faithful friend, the one thing that lets me show my pain and shut out the past. I am staying away from the blade for now, but with each passing day, its allure pulls at me. I’m cursed to cry crimson tears, but I would give anything to cry the real ones. But some many times I have to do something, or I’ll completely break. I’m bending now, let’s hope I’m getting more flexible with age. Breaking is not on my top ten things to do. Especially with everything I need to do. So that’s me, bending till I break…let’s hope I can hold on.

6-3 AHHHHHH..okay good, got that out. I now remember why all those years ago I bottled up, why I said goodbye to one father and the rest of his family. Because it causes so much damn conflict in my life, in my head. Yes, I talked to my mother tonight and now face her wrath. First, I practically beg her to come to a therapy session with me. She finally agree’s grudgingly and makes it known that she is ONLY doing this for me. She says she is not the type of person to go to therapy. And she thinks that once she gets inside of the room my therapist and I are just going to attack her and she doesn’t want to get into that. She also thinks it is going to make things worse. That when we come out of therapy, we will feel much animosity toward one another. And then she makes it known that she can be ‘rather confrontational’ and what’s to make sure my therapist wouldn’t have a problem with that. I almost laughed at that. I’d love to see my mom confront my therapist lol. I think my mom is afraid of therapy. She knows that things are going to come out and she will not be comfortable with that. She knows as long as we talk outside of therapy that she has the upper hand…but put her in the room with me and she no longer has control.
She also complained about how it was unfair t hat my father got to meet the people I’m living with before her and meet my therapist first etc. I mean who the fuck cares who meets the family I’m living with first?! What difference does that make. She is mad that he is suddenly in my life and privy to things like this. I finally have a relationship with him and now she is jealous, upset? A little late to voice that kind of opinion. I mean what am I supposed to say? Oh sorry Dad, you are going to have to wait an extra month to see me b/c my mom wants to meet everyone first…and then you can finally come. I mean come on. She is so fucking concerned with outside appearances. But I guess that comes from her past. She has never dealt with her inside stuff, so she concentrates on the outside of things.
I think one of the things I hate the most is the hold she has over me. I mean I feel like complete and utter shit after my conversation with her. The only thing saving me tonight is a kick ass session I had with one of the children I work with. The little ten/fifteen minute talk took everything out of me. I was already super stressed- work is stressful right now, my father just came and I was physically exhausted. Then she took whatever energy I had left. I wanted to die on the spot. For the first time I felt like cutting myself to relieve the pain and I hadn’t thought/had the urge to do so for a long while. So let’s see- see father, slightly happy…talk to mother- pissed as hell. I hate this…it seems like I should hate my father…but it’s almost turning out the opposite way. My mom and I have so many problems. Hence why I want her in the therapy room. I know we can work through them- I just need her to have an open mind.
With her, I almost feel trapped again…I hate that feeling. I feel like she has trapped me inside her warped little world and I’m trying to find my way out. It is so weird talking about her like this…I normally reserved such words for my father. But he was nice, not just because he bought me stuff, but because a piece of me had been missing and now I’d found it. I am from his side of the family… I carry many of their traits and now I know they are not bad traits, yet I still find myself feeling way less than perfect….way less than good. I feel like shit. I feel like I’m in the wrong again and I feel guilty for having this second father.
Well I am completely and utterly exhausted. Time to head for bed. There will be more rants tomorrow morning ;-)

6-2
Yeah, so I saw my father for the first time in six years. Very, very interesting. I mean it just blows my mind...three months ago, I would've sworn that I hated him with every fiber of my being. I would not talk to him or even entertain the idea..now here I am talking with him and enjoying myself. He really is a nice guy and things have changed...and my perceptions of things have changed as well. No longer do I hold him sole responsible for what goes wrong or rather what went wrong. I am now starting to lay everything out for myself. Somehow I have to get to the truth of things.

There are few facts and plenty of unknowns. During the course of my therapy session with my father, he admitted to one affair, but I don't know if there were in fact others. He also claims it was my mother who had numerous affairs, to which she admits none. So I look at this on several fronts and observations. First observation, I remember some actions of my mother that seem to me to be full of much jealousy. Second, based on who much my dad had to be gone because of the military, it would seem she might have sought comfort elsewhere. Same with my dad I think. Third, though she swears up and down that my step father and her were not physically intimate until she separated, I Have my doubts...they were awfully close, awfully fast right after the separation etc...and I wouldn't mind that, as long as she told the truth. On my father's side, I would suspect he had more than one affair, based on how much he was gone etc. but he seemed pretty truthful when he answered.

Now about parenting styles. My father says that he was more laid back and my mom was more violent. I think there is some truth to that...though I remember my father spanking me with the belt more, my feelings were more fearful when I think about my mom (she liked the wooden spoon and slapping). I was definitely more scared of my mother than of my father. Though I remember my father's temper during fights with my mother, I remember her temper when she was pissed at me (or my brother).

A few things evident: My brother and I got shafted= parents too concerned with each other to give us attention and since my brother was worse off than I, he got what little attention there was left to give. I was the good kid, so why would i possibly need help or attention? And then you'd think I'd want to turn bad, but instead I just felt not good enough and strove even harder, thinking then I would get attention or something.

And the more I get older, the more it is quite evident: One PARENT is LYING. And that sucks. The people supposedly closest to you...lying. And people wonder why I don't trust. How can I? My own parents lie to me. And I need to figure out which one. I think to some extent my fat her has lied, but as I get older, the more I think my mom has been lying too much. There are a lot of conflicts in my mind. I can remember incidences and my mother's reaction, but I Take that reaction away and that incidence becomes neutral and not this heated thing. I have a sneaking suspicion that she was somehow able to make me see things her way and her way only.

Should I have ended contact with my father all those years ago? I don't know...maybe it gave me a chance to clear my head without two conflicting stories. It gave me a chance at a little bit of a normal life for a while. I couldn't' deal with having two father's...so I chose one for that time. Right now I'm fueled by searching for the truth. i hate to be lied to and the fact that someone is lying to me still really hurts. And people wondered why I don't trust, why I kept stuff inside and why I cried such crimson red tears. I had people pushing me every which way and telling me stuff I didn't need to know.

So I bottled it up, stopped trusting and hid from the world.

So, now here I am, trying to find my way around the truth...before it really does destroy me. That's all I want...the truth. I will still love both of my parents regardless of what they've done in the past. But I just need to know they are telling the truth.

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