OCTOBER RANTS 2004

10-31
Just a few things I've written over the last several weeks, most of which appeared on my message board Second Chances:

Okay, I know I have been really quiet for a long time now, and I apologize for that. There were many reasons. One, I needed to recover to all those behind the scenes things. Those really took their toll on me, even though I was trying to act brave. The things that went on…they hurt and they hurt very deeply. Do not think I was left unaffected by them, I was deeply affected. Then, school work, and loan stuff appeared out of no where.

And you remember how I talked about just being stagnant, but not going backwards…well then I began to drown. I was flapping all about and just could not stay above water. But then something happened. I did stay above water and I began to swim again (well, more like a dog paddle). I didn’t crash, I didn’t go to the hospital, I didn’t cut. I made it, I did the healthy things (for the most part). So a few thoughts on my part.

First, on stagnation. You know what I’m talking about- where you don’t even think you can get up in the morning…you just feel dead inside, like you can’t do anything. Can’t do homework, can’t talk to people, can’t crack a smile, can’t get up, can’t go to work, can’t even think. Even your body feels this way. Just can’t do anything. But then you force yourself to do little things, even if it’s just a shower, or getting your clothes on. And little by little you add to it, and suddenly strength comes back to you. You do your CD homework in your head, you get inspired.

You don’t think that you are going to make it, then a day goes by, and then another day, a week, a month, a year…and suddenly you look back and you see that you did make it. I always say, each day is another day further on your healing journey. Doesn’t matter what you do on that day (well sorta does heh), but the fact of the matter is you woke up to another day. And you keep on going, you don’t stop. I don’t think we give each other enough pat on the back for simply LIVING. Surviving what we did, and then to keep going. It takes a special kind of strength to do that sort of thing. To survive, to wake up each day regardless of whether we want to or not.

I also learned a lot about fear. I was so fearful of the outcomes of things, that they wouldn’t go my way (like loans for school), that I would do nothing. And in that doing nothing, I fulfilled my worst fear. However, I caught myself just in time, and now it’s a waiting game to see if I really did screw up, but the point is I overcame my fear. I overcame it with over 50 some hours of no sleep, rarely any food, throwing up, you name it. But the fact is I finally did it, I conquered the fear. It was NOT easy, at all. It took a lot of will power on my part and asking others for help. And I didn’t conquer the fear because I am some strong person- I know sometimes you guys think of me as this awesomely strong person who can do anything to get over her illness and past abuse. But I am JUST like you guys…we are all alike in what we have to face. I am merely proof of what you CAN accomplish. I made up my mind to live six months ago. And in that decision, that meant I was going to live no matter what, and I was going to have to face my fears and overcome them. Suicide was no longer a way out, the hospital was no longer a place to hide.

Bobb recently sorta set me up for me to bust myself heh. Being her brilliant self. She asked about the the "need" to SI or some other addiction. Well I told her it wasn’t about whether you could or could not quit. You could, it was a choice, and you  were choosing not to quit. Like self injury- there ARE healthy alternatives…it is just whether or not we will choose to take them or not. And today she used that on me when we had therapy. Because I was kinda using the “can’t” word I hate so much. It isn’t that I can’t do something…it’s how much strength, belief and faith I have in something. Because as Bobb said…”I can.” And she could not be more right. I can.

There is this funny thing about healing that I thought about recently. I saw a something on this, about a kid who was abused and was so far in denial that he didn’t even know it. Like me, I had NO IDEA I had been abused, because I thought that had been normal. Basically, as much as I had already gone through, I had an equal or more amount waiting for me- the work to heal, to understand…to remember. It really is unfair that we have to endure the abuse and then we have to survive the aftermath to heal, to go through it all over again. But there are differences…we can do it in safe place, we can have people around us that love us, we have therapy, meds, support groups. We can heal. We can endure more to finally get to the other side. Because the joy and happiness that awaits us is unparallel. No one will experience more of it, unless they too had to go through such hell and horrors.

I recently took stock on lives affected by me. If I were to count the number of emails or posts from SC, or the kids I’ve worked with and their families, my brothers, Bobb, and Sam- in my short life…I’ve touched thousands of lives…through the website and in person. Not too mention ripple effects. That puts a new spin on suicide, now, while I’m lucid. That is why I had you all to do the 100 reasons to live. I think I’ll bump that to the top, and have everyone do it. It’s quite powerful when you realize the lives you DO affect. Incredible really. If I had taken my life, things would not be the same in this world, just as if you all took your lives, things would be different, you would be missed, lives WILL change by the loss of you.

10-27

10-7
What is it about? What is healing about? I have pondered this question for so freakin’ long. I just couldn’t get it. First I was angry:
Angry that I had to take meds to be “normal.”
Angry that meds made me sick or not work.
Angry that I couldn’t sleep and wake up like most people.
Angry that I couldn’t experience emotions in the right way.
Angry that I didn’t have a childhood.
Angry that people took my innocence from me
Angry that I didn’t have people to love me.
Basically angry at all things family heh.
Angry that I had to be reminded to eat, sleep, exercise, etc.

I was just plain angry that I could and would not be living my life like “typical” people would. And in all this time of being angry I was self destructive to show that anger: SI, overdosing etc., going on and off meds, not following my plan of action, and choosing suicide as a means to escape the world. All I saw was the darkness...the light at the end of the tunnel was an oncoming train. I didn't understand how if I did certain healthy things that I could actually get better. I didn't know what getting better meant, and I wasn't sure that was for me. I thought I was too broken to fix, so why even try. And I shouted- what is healing?!

I still don’t have the whole answer, but I am uncovering the truth. First, I got rid of suicide- just made it NOT an option. You do this by saying- I’ll live no matter what, every problem that arises- there IS more than one solution. You just have to work to find it and rely on a support system.

Then, I surrendered- not to death, but to living. I surrendered to taking medication- which for the most part, feels right. And to take it EVERY day- be committed and faithful. Yes, it sucks that for me to be balanced, I take a combo of seven meds. But you know what- meds lead to wellness, no meds leads to chaos and instability. Gee- hard decision.

Next- I TALKED in therapy. We devised a plan that worried for both of us and through that… I can now talk and deal with issues and resolve them and very importantly – tell my stories.

With therapy- we did a plan of action. And for the first time in my life I put a little trust and faith in that. Even converting it to a checklist so I know EXACTLY what I was and was not doing. The plan of action is essentially “normal” living, but for me- I needed to learn how to do that. And ever since I committed to that wellness plan, it has made an overall positive impact on how I live life.

Which brings me to the primaries: Eating, sleeping and exercising- in my mind I was never sure how important these things were until I did them for real- and my mental health was ALWAYS better when I did those things. Keeping my body healthy meant keeping my mind healthy.

I finally stopped rolling my eyes at CD’s (cognitive distortions). And I did them everyday- wow- it did work. And continues to work. I surrendered to doing that…retraining the way my mind thinks. And now at times positive thoughts are my default, not negative.

I joined a sexual abuse survivors group – to try and understand that part of my life. Just another part of really healing.

Finding myself- big part of healing. Knowing what I like- what a wonderful thing. Not what someone tells me I should like- but what I like. And doing those things- bringing true/real happiness to myself.

So what is this thing called healing? I think for everyone it will be a little different, but certain cornerstones must be in place: therapy (the biggest), meds (if needed), strong support structure, keeping your body well, which will help you mind. Surrendering your anger- being angry at all those things served my self destructive tendencies. Letting go served my healing. Who cares that I need stickies to remind myself to shower or take meds- if I’m healthy because of it- then so be it!

I learned that as much as I ever wanted to die...I was always so full of life. Healing means having faith and committing to getting better. Healing means not giving up- having so much hope.

10-17
A little something I wrote for my message board Second Chances:

“I need to believe, that something extraordinary is possible.”
- A Beautiful Mind

I do believe that extraordinary things are possible everyday. I see it here on the boards, as we all struggle, but every day we still wake up in the morning. We still hope. I see it in the kids I work with, and the miracles that happen to them each and every day. What a life to live, when every day you get to witness extraordinary things. Just as you all do, if you would only look inside yourself.

"Perhaps it is good to have a beautiful mind, but an even greater gift is to discover a beautiful heart."
- A Beautiful Mind

What true words. It's great to be intellectual, to figure things out, to know. But even greater to feel, to really feel. Like with the kids- yeah, I know the principles behind ABA therapy like the back of my hand, but that is not what makes me a good therapist. What makes me a good therapist is the beautiful heart- because it fuels my creativity, and it is my heart that the kids feel, how they know things without me telling them anything. What a gift and discovery.

"People ask, How did you get in there? What they really want to know is if they are likely to end up there as well. I can't answer the real question. All I can say is, it's easy."
- Girl Interrupted

I haven't decided if I agree with this statement or not. On the one hand- I think- it's hard- to make that decision, to go to the hospital. That decision takes strength and courage, and it is not for everyone. It means you still have hope, and faith...that you WILL get better. But on the other hand, it is easy. I see both sides of the coin- I could be those nurses, in my case, one of the counselors at the hospital, and I could be a patient (well was). It is a fine line. But that is fodder for another post now that I think about it, too long to explain. I would say, yes, it is easy to QUALIFY to be in the hospital, but it is hard to actually go, because that takes a hell of a lot of strength, courage and hope.

There is one movie I continually think of. It was never a blockbuster hit, but it has stayed with me for seven long years. The basic premise is this:Gattaca Corp. is an aerospace firm in the future. During this time society analyzes your DNA and determines where you belong in life. Ethan Hawke's character was born with a congenital heart condition which would cast him out of getting a chance to travel in space. He (Vincent) is also  one of the last "natural" babies born into a sterile, genetically-enhanced world, where life expectancy and disease likelihood are ascertained at birth. Myopic and due to die at 30, he has no chance of a career in a society that now discriminates against your genes, instead of your gender, race or religion. So in turn he assumes the identity of an athlete who has genes that would allow him to achieve his dream of space travel. He achieves prominence in the Gattaca Corporation, where he is selected for his lifelong desire: a manned mission to Titan. Constantly passing gene tests by diligently using samples of Jerome's hair, skin, blood and urine, his now-perfect world is thrown into increasing desperation, his dream within reach, when the mission director is killed - and he carelessly loses an eyelash at the scene! Certain that they know the murderer's ID, but unable to track down the former Vincent, the police start to close in, with extra searches, and new gene tests. With the once-in-a-lifetime launch only days away, Vincent must avoid arousing suspicion, while passing the tests, evading the police, and not knowing whom he can trust.

I never forgot this movie. And there was one scene in that movie that makes me not forget it. The movie is Gattaca. Here are some quotes that explain that scene and why it stays with me.

"Our favorite game was chicken. When our parents weren't watching, we used to swim as far out as we dared. It was about who would get scared and turn back first. Of course it was always me. Anton was by far the stronger swimmer and he had no excuse to fail."

Then later, as adults when they swim, and Vincent is beating the odds:
Anton: "Where's the shore? We're too far out!"
Vincent: "You wanna quit?"
Anton: We're too far out!"
Vincent: "You wanna quit?"
Anton: "No!"
Anton: "How are you doing this Vincent? How have you done any of this? We have to go back."
Vincent: "It's too late for that. We're closer to the other side.
Anton: "What other side? You wanna drown us both?"
Vincent: "You wanna know how I did it? This is how I did it Anton. I never saved anything for the swim back."

"It was the one moment in our lives that my brother was not as strong as he believed, and I was not as weak. It was the moment that made everything else possible."
And that is what I think about. That moment. That moment made all the difference. It was then he realized that he could beat the system through hard work, ingenuity and self determination... and hope and faith. And to just keep going. Think about this:

"I never saved anything for the swim back."

When I can't go any further- that is what I remember- for seven long years- that line has stayed with me. It made so much sense. And so I keep swimming, and I keep beating the odds, because I don't save anything for the swim back- because why would I want to go back? That was the old me- the one who submitted, who was abused, who was a victim, who was silent, who helped no one. Go back? No way, I'm made to go forward only. I won't save anything for the swim back. Of course lately, I have just been floating- no energy and whatnot, but the important thing is that I keep going forward, or at least hold it steady.

The tag line for the movie: "There is no gene for the human spirit."
No matter what the hell is in our brain, or how the chemicals are out of whack, nothing can touch our spirit, our hope, our faith, our determination. The fact that we can and will.

I Can
So nigh is grandeur to our dust,
So near is God to man,
When Duty whispers low, Thou must,
The Youth replies, I can.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"It is not length of life, but depth of life."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Depth of life. Too often we are concerned with the length of our life- many times the shortness of life, given our suicidal tendencies. But then I wonder- what could we all accomplish. We have so many people here. So many people with so many gifts- even if you don't know it yet. For those teens that don't think they can make it another day, fast forward five years or so, and what if you too, are an advocate for those abused- you could be the one to instill faith and hope, to let people know they are loved, to get them through this stuff. You could be one person's light in this world. And I am reminded of that every day, whether it's through my little brothers- and my new role of teaching them unconditional love, or knowing that it is my hard work and dedication to Julia that has gotten her the point where she is almost considered "typical" to her peers, despite how low functioning she was at one point. Because I chose life, I've made a difference. And because you guys have chosen life, you are changing lives, including your own.

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I like this meaning of success...food for thought, don't you think?

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies with in us."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

This was the central question at my last hospital visit- what is it in me, that would will me to live. It's hard to explain, I will in another post. But, obviously, I found it. I found the reason for me to live. A little about the not saving enough for the swim back. And as much as I ever wanted to die- I was always so full of life. Just as I see all of you, so full of life.

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I like this one. I used to just follow, well no that is not true. I was always the leader of something, that headstrong, stubborn side of me. But now, truly in my life, I'm going where there is no path. My hope and faith and my heart guide me, and I'm trying to leave a trail as I go- sorta like these posts. I'm going somewhere, not sure where, but it feels right, and that is enough for me. I know it is the healing path. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't.

And about Self Injury:
"I still see things that are not here. I just choose not to acknowledge them. Like a diet of the mind, I just choose not to indulge certain appetites; like my appetite for patterns; perhaps my appetite to imagine and to dream."
- A Beautiful Mind

I thought about self injury when I heard this. Eventually, I just chose not to indulge in those appetites. By the way, he is talking about his hallucinations in the movie. They stayed with him, but he chose instead to ignore them, to not acknowledge them. And he lived a hell of a life. Like we can. We do have so many healthy options at our fingertips, yet sometimes it is so hard to reach for them. And that is what SC is about- helping you reach for them. Because change is possible. Finding yourself is possible. Beating the odds is possible.

"Just remember that I was as good as any and better than most."
- Gattaca

I believe in this statement, and I believe it applies to the members of SC. Just by the mere fact that we are alive- through everything we have been through- we are STILL here, we still wake up in the morning, we still work through our troubles. Some part of us is willing to get help. Sometimes the progress is slow, or even stagnant, but each day that we wake up, we are further along in our journey.