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Ten mile run

The local football team were having a dreadful season. They hadn't won a game for 12 weeks and the manager was at the end of his tether. "Look," suggested a friend one evening, "why don't you take the whole squad out for a ten mile run every day?"

"What good will that do?" moaned the manager.

"Well," replied his friend, "today's Sunday. By next Saturday they'll be 60 miles away and you won't have to worry about them."

The object of the game is

It was mid-way through the football season and a third division team were doing really badly. The manager decided to get the team together and go back to absolute basics. Picking up a football, he said,

"Right, lads, what I have in my hands is called a football, and the object of the game is..."

"Hang on a minute," came a shout, "you're going too fast."

I could kick myself

Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."

Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."

It's a funny old game

It's a funny old game, football,' as the captain said to the manager after his team had been trounced 6-0 in an important relegation match.

To which the manager replied grimly, 'Yes - but it isn't meant to be!

Dustbins

The manager of a club way down at the bottom of the Third Division placed eleven dustbins in formation on the pitch and had his team practice dribbling around. them and passing between them before shooting for goal.

After just one session he had to abandon this method of training for reasons of team morale: the dustbins won 6-0.

Alex Ferguson

Alex Ferguson is the one of the guests of honour at the Miss World and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by three of the most beautiful women in the world. Miss Venezuela pops the first question.

"Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won." Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the left strap of her dress and reveals her left breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?" Sir Alex now bemused, duly obliges.

Miss Croatia pops the second question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them."

Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, she then lowers the right strap of her dress and reveals her right breast and says, "Can you autograph this please?" Sir Alex, again bemused, duly obliges.

Miss Argentina pops the third question. "Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons."

Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lifts up her dress and reveals the fact she is wearing no underwear at all and is completely shaved, and says, "Can you autograph this please."

Sir Alex totally gob smacked by now says, "Hang on a minute love, no, no, no! Last time I signed a bald Argentinean cunt it cost me £28 million.

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