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Three girlfriends

One of the highest paid players in the Premier division, Gary had everything going for him. He had a fancy new house in North-East London, a flash new sports car, masses of designer clothes -the lot. His only problem was that he had three girlfriends and he couldn't decide which one to marry. So he decided to give £5,000 to each woman to see what she would do with it.

The first woman bought new clothes for herself and had an expensive new hairdo, a massage, facial, manicure and pedicure.

The second woman bought a top-of-the range VCR and CD player, as well as an expensive set of golf clubs and tennis racquet and gave them all to Gary. "I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you," she told him.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market, and within a short time had doubled her investment. She gave Gary back the initial £5,000 and reinvested the profit. "I'm investing in our future because I love you so much," she said.

Gary considered carefully how each woman had spent the money, and then married the woman with the biggest breasts.

Retiring from the game

A goalkeeper had had a particularly bad season and announced that he was retiring from professional football. In a television interview he was asked his reasons for quitting the game.

'Well, basically,' he said, 'it's a question of illness and fatigue.'

'Can you be more specific?' asked the interviewer.

'Well,' said the player, 'specifically the fans are sick and tired of me.'

Last game of the season

It was the last game of the season. Mathieson had been with he team from the start but he was such a slow and clumsy player that never once had he actually been allowed to play, but had spent all his time on the substitute bench.

At this last match, however, there were so many fouls and injuries that every substitute but him had been sent on. With ten minutes to go, yet another player was carried off the field and the coach looked at the substitute bench, his eye finally alighting on Mathieson. Mathieson's face lit up.

'Are you going to send me on, coach?' he asked eagerly.

'No!' snapped the coach. 'Just get out of the way. I'm going to send in the bench!

Missed an open goal

A player was being ticked off by the coach for missing a very easy open goal.

'All right,' said the player, 'how should I have played the shot'

'Under an assumed name,' snapped a defender.

We'll use the porter

The Oxford and Cambridge University student teams were due to play when one of the Oxford men had to drop out at short notice. 'Why don't we use Johnson, the head porter at Balliol?' suggested the Oxford captain to the selection committee.

'I've seen him play in a local amateur team and he's a brilliant striker - absolutely unstoppable.

We can get him a set of colours and as long as he doesn't speak to anyone, we should be able to get away with it.'

The committee thought this might be a little unethical but in desperation they agreed to the plan. They rigged out the Balliol porter and put him on the left wing. He was, as the Oxford captain had said, unstoppable, and they beat Cambridge 9-1, Johnson having scored eight of the goals single-handed.

Afterwards in the bar, the Cambridge captain approached Johnson and said sportingly, 'Well done, old boy!

A magnificent effort! By the way, what are you studying at Balliol?'

The porter thought for a moment, then said brightly, 'Sums!'

Premier League vs Strangeways

A Premier Division reserves team recently played against a side made up of long-term prisoners from Strangeways. ('The Strangeways team were playing at home, of course!)

The game had only been in progress for about ten minutes when the referee noticed that the prison team were fielding twelve men. Blowing his whistle angrily, he called the Strangeways captain over and said,

'What the hell's the idea of having twelve men on the field? Don't you know that's illegal?'

'Well,' said the captain, unabashed, 'you know us - we cheat!'

Ask Ryan Giggs

First Division. player not noted for his modesty was regaling his friends' in the local pub.

'I came out of the ground after the match last Saturday and there were literally hundreds of fans outside waving autograph books at me!'

Noticing the sceptical looks on the faces of his listeners, he added,

'It's quite true! If you don't believe me, ask Ryan Giggs - he was standing right next to me!'

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