She sat quietly, running her slim, black, fingers through his hair. This was not the warrior angel who stood more than twice the height of the average man, ready to defend or destroy with her massive flaming sword.
This was the physical representation of the woman Sarai was at the core of her spirit. Warm, compassionate, loving. She had wrapped her obsidian wings tightly around him like a shield, and a deep red-violet halo flowed from her like steam, soothing him. She looked as though she could remain that way forever.
But he was oblivious to his surroundings. He was in the inescapable grip of the truth, the real truth. Memories folded, and refolded, blending together like the shuffling of multiple decks of cards. And with each shuffle, more of the original cards were replaced by new ones.
As a spirit, he was multi-dimensional, and free of the conventional restraints which the veil placed upon the living to keep them fixed within the sphere of human experience. His mind was free to race along multiple channels, to comprehend things the human mind wasn't allowed to. Even so, he could barely keep up with the flow and change. The sheer volume of information hidden from him over the past 39 years was staggering, especially so in the past 22 years, but he was determined to make sense of it here, and now.
Sazzi and Sarai were everywhere he looked. They had been a part of his life in more ways than he could ever have imagined, always there to catch him, always there to lift him back to his feet when he fell. They never once faltered, never failed him. They did only as much as was needed to keep him on the right path, but they were wholly devoted to that task, no matter what it entailed. Faces of people remolded themselves, revealing their true identities as his guardians. So many people. They had played the roles of men, women, and children over the years in their efforts to guide, and teach him.
His heart was on a roller coaster ride of epic proportions. One second the world was washed away beneath the tide of elation, and the next, he stared the darkest expression of despair squarely in the eye.
And as he approached the present, he saw a familiar face, and then it too began to change.
Sazzi knelt down and passed her hand over his brow.
"He's beginning to find his focus," Sarai whispered, without looking up.
"Yes, he's coming slowly to the present."
"I've never seen this level of reaction in anyone Sazzi. The veil must have been shrouding a great deal." Sarai was more than simply concerned, she almost seemed on the verge of being frightened. She even seemed unnaturally unconcerned about touching him, which was a danger in itself.
"It obviously troubles you a great deal, but I'm not sure why."
Sarai looked into Sazzi's eyes, her face showing slightly beneath the surface of the black curtain that always covered it.
"I'm afraid he'll be angry with us,...for all the things we've done." She gathered herself together before continuing. "I'm afraid he'll turn away from us. Sazzi,...I couldn't bear that. It took everything I had to injure him, to tear into him emotionally the way I did for so long. I feel that a part of my soul will never be clean because of it,...that I'll never be able to make amends. I know it was necessary, and I made the sacrifice without question, but it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And now, with everything else revealed,...will he forgive me? Can he?" Her face had retreated back into it's dark shroud, but tears fell freely from it. Sazzi knew she'd be beyond consoling if he should turn away from her. With everything she herself had done, it was a possibility she also faced.
"If there was ever a time for faith, this is it. Have you ever seen him grow so fast before? Didn't he forgive you at the Stand? In all the time we've known him, I've never seen him make such strides so quickly." She reached out and softly stroked Sarai's face. "I believe he's reaching the point of ascension Sarai, things will look differently to him now,...remember?" She could only hope that her words would hold true. Sarai nodded slightly, recalling how different things looked to her as she approached each level of ascension.
"I still fear we'll lose him somehow,...I can't escape the feeling," she whispered. "It's only been very recently that the veil allowed his memory of us to blend into the present, while still hiding our actions throughout this life. He didn't know everything at the Stand, he will now. I can't help but be worried about his reactions when he finally realizes who we've been, and what we've done. Especially my involvement, I've been terribly cruel."
Sazzi had to admit to herself that the same feeling had been rising in her as well. Even now, as he was approaching the moment, she could feel something changing.
Part of it was realizing that he was an angel. The veil had constructed a very complex analogy of a one-way mirror, keeping his angelic nature from being known to him while in human form. This kept him to his chosen path by not tempting him to alter situations to fit his own needs. It wasn't always a conscious effort to change a situation. Sometimes it came from deeper, and was far less controllable. In his true angelic form, he was kept from realizing that he knew nothing of his true nature while living in the physical world. The veil was extremely intricate when it came to such things. It had even kept a great deal of knowledge from his guardians in order to follow it's design, blinding them in various ways where necessary. Generally, the transition of the unknown becoming known was so smooth that it seemed as though nothing had ever been hidden. This was to remove the shock that could be caused by sudden revelation. It wasn't the purpose of the veil to harm, only to hide.
But something else was happening, something that would alter everything at once. She could see that much, but nothing more. He held a wall around himself that she could not see through. That in itself suggested to her that he was changing even as he lay there in Sarai's arms.
Sarai looked down at him, concentrating on something. "There," she said with a sudden urgence. "You can feel it in his halo now." Sazzi centered herself on him, and was swept up in an intricate pattern that she couldn't immediately identify. Then a look of amazement fell over her face, and she slowly sat back a bit.
"Sazzi?"
"Sarai," she began, in a slow, measured whisper. "I didn't recognize these patterns at first, and it's no wonder. These are the patterns of the ancient knowledge,...the arcane works. Much of it has even been forbidden, if not totally forgotten."
Sarai simply nodded as her suspicions were confirmed. "What have you been into now little bird?" she said with a softly trembling voice.
"This is not good,...not good at all. He's always been one to walk the shadows, but I never thought he'd go this far."
"I know Sazzi, where could he have found this? Moreover, who would have taught him these things? Who among us still knows the ancient knowledge at a level high enough to teach it?"
"As far as I know," Sazzi replied. "Only the Council has access to that, and I can't imagine any of them giving it to anyone since it was they who forbid it's use in the first place. It became such a terrible temptation, that it was kept away from us in our best interests, and those of humanity."
"Could the veil have hidden this? It doesn't seem possible that it could have cloaked it so completely. The dark powers move in strange circles, even outside of the veil at times."
"I'm not sure it has anything to do with the veil hiding it directly, I think it's more likely that it's been hidden from Raven, and without any conscious direction, the patterns would take on the characteristics of the rest of his halo. As such, they would be almost indistinguishable from his normal patterns. Even now, they're difficult to discern."
"Shadows," Sarai murmured. "They hide in the light as well." Sazzi nodded agreement.
The impact of so many revelations was already more than he could handle at once. Now, with this last truth finally revealed, he could remain inside no longer.
Catching the others by surprise, his eyes snapped open suddenly, light bursting from his halo in an attempt to balance the energy he'd built up inside. For a moment, his body took on the characteristics of forged steel as he refocused the fields of force around him. Sarai poured herself into him, bringing him to a state of calm.
"You're alright now little bird," she whispered into his ear.
"How do you feel child?" Sazzi asked, watching him closely.
"I uh," he mumbled, trying to find his voice. "I feel like I've been pulled through ten miles of one inch pipe, how am I supposed to feel?"
Placing her hands on her hips, she smirked and shook her head. "I see your sarcasm is very much intact,...not that I'm complaining mind you."
"It's nice to be appreciated," he said, with a half smile. Then he realized that he was laying in Sarai's lap, and sat up quickly.
"Risky business," he said quickly. She shrugged. "For you, or me?"
"For the both of you I would think," Sazzi giggled.
"I'd love to keep this on a humorous note, but I'm afraid that isn't going to be possible," he said, as he came to his feet. Sazzi and Sarai exchanged worried glances.
He moved over to the opening in the west wall and looked out at the twilight. Even in the dim light the remaining smoke layers made the scene depressing. But he had much more important things to consider now, and his attention was sharply focused on all of them at the moment.
"I've seen this place looking healthier," Sazzi commented. "I hope it isn't a direct reflection of it's creator."
She was fishing, he knew she couldn't tell what was going on with him as she had always been able to, and she was trying not to come right out and ask.
"I wouldn't worry too much about the state of this place Sazzi. Very soon, it won't be anything but a memory anyway." He leaned against the wall, and continued to watch the skyline darken. "As for me,...my condition has changed considerably in the past few hours."
"We felt the tremors when the veil was lifted, and came to see if you were ok," Sarai explained. She was fishing too, but in keeping with her nature, wouldn't be as obvious about it as Sazzi.
"I'm fine," he said, without emotion. "Or at least I will be soon enough," he added.
"How so?" Sazzi inquired.
"I guess it can't ever be easy to find out what your life is really all about, one can only hope that there's some comfort to be gained in understanding. I don't think I'll be at the point of comfort anytime soon, but at least I'm no longer confused, and that's a plus. People spend so much time and energy on worrying about their plans and goals. About being successful in the things they do, and all the time wondering if there isn't something they're supposed to do,...something predestined. They may be lucky enough to have a clear view of their path, and have the ability to follow it. Then sometimes, the only thing they can see is that they're hopelessly lost. Either way, they never know for certain until it's all over, when the curtain is drawn, and everything becomes clear."
"This is the way of learning child, you've been with us too long not to understand that, and the cost," Sazzi told him gently.
"Yes," he breathed. "The cost." The large room was quickly being consumed by the night, the darkness had been hanging close to the vaulted ceilings, clinging to the upper supports, but was now softly falling in around them. Large crystals set into the walls slowly came to life, radiating a warm golden glow.
"What is it that troubles you in particular little bird?"
"What troubles me Sarai, is that I had the answer to my current dilemma,...the key to it all from the beginning, and couldn't use it. The one even gave it to me herself, and the directives of the veil caused me to overlook it. She told me just after we met, that she had let past relationships be the center of all things to her. And while she believed that this was as it should be in some ways, it should never be an escape from reality." He slid down the edge of the wall into a sitting position, hanging his left leg over the edge of the floor. "I put her on a pedestal, one so high that she couldn't breathe. She was the center,...and an escape. I made her everything that she feared,...and more."
"You're talking about predestination." she said, turning to look at him. He nodded. "For all intents and purposes, I gave up my freewill this time around. With no knowledge of it after the fact. Everything I did was by design. I had to be in the right place at the right time, and under the right set of circumstances." He picked up a small stone and flung it out into the abysmal darkness. "And I was," he finished.
"This was by your own choosing?" Sazzi asked. Again, he nodded. "Regrets?" she wondered aloud.
"Always," he replied, matter of fact. "But I don't regret keeping my word,...I couldn't. That would only serve to invalidate my promise, and this pain would be all for nothing. But it helps explain why my other relationships never worked out. It was always easy enough to assign the usual reasons for the failures, but now it's clear that they couldn't have worked out any differently, no matter what. I was never meant for anyone else, or I wouldn't have been able to fulfill my promise. I was here for a single reason, nothing more. The only success I required from this life is the one I've just achieved. Shame it's nothing to be proud of."
Sazzi gazed out at the velvet blackness of the night sky, and felt an all too familiar emptiness inside as she identified with Raven's own feelings. She had done battle with those same regrets more times than she could remember, as had Sarai, and both were struggling in the same way again. She was also familiar with the veil's need to hide it's intentions from their kind as well, those of the celestial hierarchy were not immune to it's blinding effects. It was an integral part of their existence, one they accepted without question, but that made it no less difficult to deal with the aftermath when the blindness finally ended. He had obviously entered into this life for a specific reason, as was generally the case. It was also obvious that it wasn't for him this time. He did it for the one, which stirred a dangerous curiosity.
"What is she looking for little bird?" Sarai asked, beating Sazzi to the question.
"The one?" he asked absently.
"Yes. This life,...why did she choose it?"
"Take a look at her lifeline,...it's painfully apparent," he answered, turning back to look into the darkness. "I doubt the veil will interfere any longer," he added.
She looked over at Sazzi, who had already begun to skillfully weave the gauzy threads of a timeline together into a coherent mass. The center of the mass came to a focus, and they began running along the various strands looking for repetitive event patterns.
Several minutes passed, and then the mass faded.
"Loss,..." Sarai whispered.
He sighed deeply, nodding. "She wanted to know how it would affect her life, if she would be strong enough to overcome it, or could learn to deal with it. She wanted to come to some understanding of it."
"She's getting her money's worth then," Sazzi observed sadly.
"So it seems," he replied. "At least it would be some small comfort to know I was the last of it,...but no."
"And now that you've made good on your promise?" Sarai asked, fearing the answer.
"Well,...now I'm left with a problem," he explained. "My history is clear enough when it comes to relationships. Given the chance, they continue as many times as circumstances allow. And this time, I can't allow it. It torments me to think that I've waited all my life for the one, and when I found her at last, it was only to lose her. But there isn't anything more I can do without crossing the line."
"Understandable," Sazzi commented. "As well as your concern that it could change in the future. You are notoriously difficult to stay away from when it comes down to it. Your relationships are very circular, most have come around more than once. Some, after several years. But it really couldn't be any different for you. People see the light in you, even at a distance you shine. Some people go their entire lives without ever experiencing that kind of illumination. Others simply can't see it, or refuse to accept it. But people need to know that kind of magic is real, it reaffirms their belief in something greater than the human experience."
"And you are that little bird. You've taken many to the edge of that experience repeatedly, and it becomes a tremendous addiction. You don't simply become a part of someone's life, you become a part of their soul. And when that goes away, the emptiness is nightmarish. This has always been your way, and always will be. How many times have people told you that they would expect nothing less from you?"
"Yeah, I was perfect in my role," he replied sarcastically.
"It was no role child, it was all you, the real you," Sazzi corrected. "The veil may temporarily obliterate the truth, but individuality is as tenacious as life itself. It shows even through the veil." He just shrugged it off and continued to stare out into the darkness.
"People get terribly frustrated with me after awhile," he mused. "I could never blame any of them for it though. I know full well where it comes from."
"Of course they do little bird, it's only natural. People need to understand things, it's human nature. You, and those like you, are beyond understanding on a strictly "human" level. You entice, fascinate, and surprise, but you remain behind the mask, as you must." She began to softly sing, in a voice that far exceeded Arrilynn's haunting vocal qualities. He recognized it as "Behind the Mask".
He smirked, she wasn't helping, although her singing was utterly enchanting.
"Anyway," he said finally. "There are still things I must finish,...things I can't leave open ended. And therein lies my problem. If I remain, I risk breaking my promise. No matter how remote that possibility may appear, for the sake of the one, I won't take that risk."
"Just that simple?" she wondered aloud, though she knew better than that.
"No," he said. "It's never that simple. I'd be the last one to put myself above temptation, especially in this case. With all I know now, it would be far too easy to change things." He paused a moment. "And you know, given a little time,...I would. The human heart is a thing in constant flux, and it's the kind of flux we work with on many levels. It's just too easy, and too tempting. I don't have that kind of control when it comes to her."
That's what she was looking for, and he was right. There wasn't any way he'd be able to hold back from influencing events in his favor. It would take nothing more than a few thoughts in the right direction and it would all turn around. The fact that he had already gone to such great lengths testified to the truth of his commitment, but if he remained, he would undo all he had done. She couldn't hold his conviction against him, as much as her present thoughts worried her. She understood that sometimes it was necessary to leave a life once a task had been accomplished in order to assure it's success. She had done it many times herself. But she knew he was considering much more than that, and she knew she wasn't going to like it.
"So what will you do about it child?" she asked, trying to hide the fact that she was dreading his answer.
He sat silently for several moments. Then, in a voice so soft that only ethereal ears could hear, gave life to their growing fears.
"I'm going to cast a shadow."
