Transported by a chill ocean breeze, she moved over the waters of the San Francisco bay towards the shore. She had always loved this place for a number of reasons, especially during the cool winter months. Even so, were it not for the urgency of the present situation, she would avoid her quickly approaching destination as she always did,...like a plague. But she had an annoying suspicion that many of the answers she needed would be found there and nowhere else.
Her ethereal body moved between the droplets of water composing the heavy fog without causing the slightest disturbance. Across a private beach of shimmering sand and stone, on up along a gently sloping cliff face to a plateau. A strikingly beautiful house sat nestled in a grove of pines some 30 meters from the edge of the cliff.
Flickering gold light on the curtains of a single window suggested candles, a favorite of the occupant. She moved up and over an immaculate lawn, and flawlessly kept gardens to light on a redwood deck that ran the length of the west face of the house. Looking around, she found herself smiling at the fact that even in the dead of a mid winters night, every flower in sight was in full bloom.
Gathering every fragment of resolve she had left, she moved through a pair of French doors into a candle lit room.
A bewitching woman sat opposite her. Long black hair, perfectly sculpted features centering around a pair of pale green eyes and a figure described by curves flowing in flawless composition. Curled up on an impeccably maintained 200 year old French love seat, she looked like a work of art.
"Slumming?" the woman asked, without taking her eyes from the book she was reading.
"So it seems," Sarai answered, making herself visible. "Actually, I've come for some answers."
"Blackbird?" the woman asked, tossing her jet black hair over one shoulder. It wasn't really a question. She knew Sarai would come here for no other reason.
Sarai nodded. "He's heading for serious trouble."
"Serious is a relative issue, and what makes you think I have the answers you're looking for?"
"Divine intuition," Sarai said, with no small sarcasm, "Besides, he's been playing in the shadows, so naturally I thought of you."
"Naturally," the woman replied, matching her sarcasm. "Casting shadows is no game, but he's a good student. I'm sure he'll be fine."
"Damn you Grace, I knew you were the one who taught him," Sarai growled, as she lit the room red.
Grace sat back casually. "Calm yourself Sarai, you'll set my house on fire."
"I'll set your world on fire! What were you thinking? How could you be so irresponsible?" She knew it had to be Grace from the first, but avoided mentioning it to Sazzi. The two had been at odds over Raven on countless occasions, and this would have sent Sazzi over the edge she was already perilously close to.
Grace set the book down and stood up slowly, the look on her face growing deadly serious. "You're stepping into dangerous territory here Sarai, more dangerous for you than him. The answers you're looking for come with a price."
"Imagine my surprise. Everything comes with a price, especially when it comes from you."
"The only price anyone has ever paid with me is that which comes with the truth. Admittedly, that price is usually much higher than expected, but that's what you get with me." Like a living shadow, she crossed the room to look out at the foggy night, the candlelight playing on her black silk nightgown like liquid gold. "What was I thinking," she said, in a much softer voice. "Blackbird has always been one to walk the shadowline. For as long as we've known him he's had one foot in the light, and the other in the shadows. Because of this, there are those among the ranks of the fallen who see him as a potential recruit. If not that, then a victim. He was looking for information of the ancient variety, the forbidden. It was the perfect opportunity for the dark to take a final hold of him, so I stepped in. He would have gained this information one way or another, you know how persistent he can be. Taking it upon myself to teach him, at the very least, kept him from the corrupting grip of the fallen." She turned to look directly at Sarai. "Irresponsible? Who are you to question my methods, or the depth of my commitment? And when did you reach perfection anyway? Your own guilt shines brighter than your halo. If not for me, that guilt would have overcome you long ago. Your endless meddling would have cost blackbird his life in spite of your intentions. You were very reckless with him, dear."
Sarai eased her halo, knowing Grace never made comments like that unless the facts were incorruptible. She also knew the price of coming here, and from the sound of it, payment was due in full. After the revelations at the Watch, she wasn't sure she could handle more, but time was running short. and stakes were running high.
"Well?" she said impatiently. She knew Grace would squeeze every last ounce of drama from the situation if allowed to. "I don't have time for theatrics. Just explain what you mean and get it over with."
"Typical Sarai," she said with a sigh, "No fun at all. But if that's how you want it, so be it."
Grace had always been difficult to deal with on many levels, and for as many reasons. But her ability to fully disclose the truth was easily the most devastating. She could see through the lies, and personal deceptions that everyone used to justify their lives and actions. Secrets simply didn't exist to her, no matter how deeply rooted, or well hidden they were. Often, the real truth was far removed from the perceived truth, and when the illusion was gone, life could be irrevocably changed. Revelations of this sort were more hazardous than most would ever know. After centuries, she came to realize that the truth wasn't always best.
But this ability was double-edged. Eventually, lies became the only constant she knew. Ultimately, she grew weary and heartsick, finally retreating from everything she held dear. All except for Raven. She had been with him for as long as his other guardians, and still took her responsibility to him as seriously as they did. It was this fact made it especially hard to understand why she would teach him something so potentially dangerous.
"When he came to you on the bridge, you sent him back," Grace began, as she returned to her place in the love seat. "I believe you made the correct decision as far as that goes. But what were you thinking when you altered him physically? Did it perhaps slip your mind that he was an angel incarnate? Or maybe it was the veil?"
"Of course not, the veil wouldn't have hidden that from me because I'm his guardian. I'd have been of no use otherwise," Sarai answered.
"Then possibly you need your memory refreshed as to the fragile balance of an angel in physical form?" She looked away for a moment, collecting her thoughts.
"What I need, is for you to stop with these ridiculous games, and say what you mean," she snapped. Grace narrowed her eyes as though she were suddenly angry.
"He was a natural born, different from a manifestation, and subject to all the conditions that entails. Your manipulations set off the hunger Sarai. Do you get it now? The hunger!"
Sarai sat back in silence, suddenly feeling as if she'd been slapped hard with a cold, steel beam.
The hunger.
It was the truth, she had known it all along, but never let herself believe she could act so carelessly. The hunger was nothing less than the flesh's intrinsic need for touch, amplified to maddening heights by the incessant drive of an unbalanced halo. It created an insatiable need that refused to be denied. The pain it caused could be excruciating. Left untended, it quickly broke down the link between body and soul, the end result being death of the flesh, and the possible corruption of the soul. The fallen cultivated the hunger to prey on humanity, for them it was sustenance. For an angel, it could be the path to becoming one of their number. Certainly, it led to extremes of guilt, and shame.
And she had done this to him herself.
"As if that wasn't bad enough, you couldn't even bring yourself to help him with it. What kind of guardian does that make you?" She didn't expect an answer. Sarai was now fully immersed in guilt, without a valid excuse in sight.
"Never mind, I cleaned up after you," she said with a dismissing wave of her hand. "I should really thank you for that part of it though, it was perfect for me."
"Now what are you talking about?" Sarai asked weakly through her guilt induced fog. Grace smiled slowly, her face running through a series of complete structural changes as she did. So many different women, and Sarai knew them all, or had thought so for the past 22 years. Raven had met the first of the women shortly after the incident at the bridge, the others followed over the next 10 years. Some had even been acquainted with Destiny/Sazzi in one way or another, but no one had ever suspected that any of them were actually Grace.
Grace spoke in response to her obvious confusion. "Don't waste your time trying to figure it out Sarai, I worked behind the veil. It isn't difficult, but it isn't common practice either, and very few understand how it's done. Essentially, nothing was ever hidden from me, but I was always hidden from you."
Sarai had a million questions, but was afraid to ask most of them. "Why so many?" she said finally settling on a question she considered safe.
"Because I could see his path, his predestination, and the songbird. As one woman who was always there for him, he would have grown far too attached. When the time came to separate, he would have been terribly hurt and may not have responded to the songbird as he did. As several women, I could be there for him without that becoming too much of a problem. If the situation grew too deep with one, she would simply vanish."
"How cold-hearted is that?" Sarai huffed, not really feeling as if she had any room to talk.
"It couldn't be helped. I wasn't there to keep him emotionally sound, just physically. There really wasn't any way around the emotional part. Besides, it wasn't that bad. Those relationships remained the way I intended."
Sarai could see her logic, and found it annoyingly sound.
She was also right about it being perfect for her. Grace had chosen to live in her own way, and living as a physical being was part of that. She had much more experience with being a spirit incarnate than the other guardians, which gave her a decided advantage in that area. It was also one of the reasons she understood the hunger so well. Technically, she wasn't one of the fallen, but she moved in similar circles, and was well versed in their ways. Overall, she had some very unique perspectives and abilities. Because she operated outside of the rules, she had turned potential failures into successes many times. She intentionally made herself difficult to be around, but she was invaluable nonetheless.
"But I wouldn't have had to do any of that if you could have seen your way past your fears."
Sarai was cornered, with no fight left in her. She knew Grace was right, she was always right. The fears she spoke of were paralyzing, and this time had almost cost Raven his life, or soul.
"Poor little Sarai. The angel who would be queen. The angel who's beauty shines brighter than the sun. Who brings mortal man to his knees, and makes the angels cry."
"Stop it Grace!" she shouted.
"No! You stop Sarai,...stop hiding!" Grace came to her feet in an instant. With a sweeping motion of one arm, she wiped away the darkness shrouding Sarai.
"Grace!"
Grace clenched her jaw as the familiar impact of Sarai's incredible beauty crashed into her. She was no different than anyone else when she came up against Sarai on that level. Quickly regaining her senses, she suddenly felt remorse over her actions. "I'm sorry Sarai," she whispered. "I wasn't sure I could still do that."
"You're the only one who ever could, I guess that's one of the benefits of being my sister,...if you can call it a benefit." It was a weak attempt at lightening the situation, but it was better than being angry over it. Grace gave her a sad smile, and took a seat next to her. They looked at each other through a haze of tears.
As true sisters they were a rarity among their kind. It wasn't often that the soul matrix split into two distinct souls. Not surprisingly, they often found themselves on opposite sides of any given argument. It had been clear to them from the beginning that this would always be the way for them. But there were moments.
"Will your penance never be enough Sarai? For centuries you've hidden yourself from everyone, and for what?"
Sarai closed her eyes tightly, squeezing the tears from them. "You know why. How many fought, killed and sacrificed for nothing more than my attention? Crimes against humanity for the sake of beauty? Insanity. I won't allow it to ever happen again, I can't live with that."
"It was never you Sarai, it was them. The human race has never understood us, and they never will."
"Maybe, but consider the sources of their information."
Grace shook her head. "They don't understand us because they don't want to. The more time I spend with them, the more I'm convinced that they don't need to."
"How so?"
"They live in fear and ignorance, and for the most part, they like it that way. How do you think they'd respond to us if they really knew the way we exist? They see us as bringers of light and hope, conveyors of the Word, protectors of the earth and the hand of God's judgement. They have no concept of the way we live, feel, think. Their bible refers to the wars in Heaven. Do you remember the wars Sarai?"
"Yes,...I remember. I wish I could forget though."
"Don't we all. They were brutal, barbaric by any standards. We unleashed forces against the fallen that make the combined nuclear potential of the earth look like a cheap box of fireworks. Many of us acted on our own, separate from the legions. How do you think humanity would react to the knowledge that we don't require orders from any deity to act? Or that even the least of us could lay waste to the entire surface of the earth?"
"You know that can't happen. There are far too many of us who exist as insurance against it."
"But that's my point. We know that, but do they? Or would they even believe it if they could see first hand what we're truly capable of? They would live in terror of us, just as they do with the fallen, even though they know comparatively little about them."
"I hate it when you're right," Sarai said, looking out a nearby window at the cold, dark night. Grace squeezed her hand. "I know the feeling." She sighed deeply. Sarai almost wished she had some defense for humanity. Grace made them sound like cruel, soulless beings. True, some were, but not the majority. Humanity had the potential for greatness, it always had. But it also possessed an equal capacity for self destruction. For centuries her kind had watched and waited for the truth to settle into the hearts and minds of the mortal world. And for centuries they had seen the same patterns repeat themselves in an endless loop. The human race was still killing itself in it's greed, fear and ignorance.
The pair sat in silence for several minutes, neither knowing quite what to say next.
"What's going to happen to Raven?" Sarai asked finally. Grace closed her eyes for a second as a pain shot through her.
"He's a perfect example of what I'm talking about," she said after taking a deep breath. "He entered into a life for no other reason than to keep a promise to the songbird. When he finally found her, she stomped his heart to a pulp and turned away from him as though he were nothing more than roadkill. Without even a modicum of human decency or compassion, she simply walked away." She went silent, trying to keep from breaking down.
"Grace,..." Sarai whispered.
"No, I'm ok." A lie, but this wasn't the time to fall apart, so she continued. "It's just,...what hope is there for the human race when the love of an angel is something to be thrown out with the trash?"
"I take it you know who the one is?"
Grace nodded. "I've always known the songbird for who she is. I'm not sure why it's been hidden from you though."
"I don't know,..." Sarai said absently. "You realize that this situation is exactly the reason for his promise? It couldn't have turned out any differently."
"I know all about that, and it's crap. Predestination isn't a free license to treat others like scum. I've made this argument numerous times, and the fact that it continues is one of the reasons I live as I do. There isn't a single way to learn about anything. This could have been done without the destructive outcome,...should have been. She believes that he'll find someone else more worthy of him, that he'll just get over her and move on. Just like everyone else. She doesn't understand that eternal love is a literal thing for an angel. We don't just get over it and go on. People shouldn't actually live for another, but angels do."
Again, Sarai knew she was right. So much damage was being done that the repercussions would echo for years. "Eternity is a long time to hurt over something," she murmured into the dim room.
"Too damned long," Grace agreed. "But we aren't supposed to care about that Sarai. We're supposed to be perfect. We aren't supposed to suffer disappointment or heartbreak. We aren't supposed to love in a human way, if indeed you can call that love." Her sarcasm was thick with anger centuries in the making.
"They just don't understand, Grace."
"They just don't care Sarai," she immediately corrected. "We hurt when they hurt, forgive when no one else will, see through their shortcomings and love them in spite of everything. We protect them, guide them, exist and die for them,...but who mourns the angels?"
Sarai leaned into her sister, laying her head against her.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but I think it's best that blackbird follow through with his plans."
Sarai raised her head quickly. "You can't be serious," she said, confused.
"There are a few points he seems to be overlooking, but I'm going to fix that before he goes through with this. I'll be at the Gate when he's ready. Anyway, I don't really see an alternative, especially from his perspective. He would only sink into a silent death if he stayed."
"I guess you're right, his commitment is certainly intact," Sarai conceded. "But I hate the thought of it nonetheless."
"I don't care much for it myself, but for my own reasons."
"Which are?"
"I can't abide skinwalkers," she said with disgust.
Skinwalker was an old term originating with the fallen. But over the centuries it's meaning had changed. It referred to any human who went through life without really living it. Life was for living, not simply existing. Skinwalkers missed the entire point of life, giving nothing of themselves and gaining almost as much. They lived within a tiny shell they called their life, afraid of anything genuine. Love especially, was something to be feared, to run and hide from. They maintained a very superficial existence, the kind Grace found an affront to life itself.
"She was hurt long ago, you can't blame her for her fears or confusion," Sarai said in defense of the songbird.
"I don't blame her for either. But she's broken, and will always be broken because it's easier that way. She gives the excuse that she needs to deal with herself and her own issues. But in running the way she does, she doesn't deal with those issues at all, she perpetuates them. She's convinced herself that her reasons are valid, and that's all that counts with her. I blame her for believing her own lies, and for using them as a wedge to separate herself from living. She's a better person than that, but she gives herself no chance whatsoever." She stood up and wandered around the room like a nervous cat. Sarai watched her carefully, almost afraid of what she'd say next.
After making a few circuits of the room, she settled on a large foot stool. Pulling her knees up to her chest she stared at the dancing flame of a tall, black candle.
"Now that she's rid herself of her angel, she'll go back to living on the surface. And you can be sure she'll be a bit more careful about her involvements from this point on. The slightest sign of emotional attachment will set her to flight."
"Probably true," Sarai mused. "She found herself in the center of the fire before she knew it this time."
"Yes she did, a fire she couldn't sleep in," Grace whispered, with a quick raise of an eyebrow.
"I can't help but feel that you're being too harsh. It takes virtually no effort to fall into the open soul of an angel. And the addiction,...it's almost immediate. Look at it honestly, and you can't help but see how frightening it is from a human point of view. Any semblance of control is stripped away in an instant."
"That kind of control is an illusion, and detrimental to the experience of life. We accept that as fact, and so should they. To give up that illusion is to find freedom and awareness. Either of which is closer to true control than the original concept. All I can think is how much they miss living in fear of it. But if it makes you feel any better, I'm not disappointed with her, I'm disappointed for her. I know what she's missing,...she's only had a glimpse that will never come again. She'll never understand what she's done until the day she comes to us and it all becomes clear."
Sarai sank back into the lush sofa trying to lose herself. She was already a mess of emotions, and it wasn't over yet.
"Tell me Sarai,...how do they live without love, without passion? Not those insipid hormone inspired lies strangers whisper in the dark," she said with a hard scowl, "But the real item that doesn't take any self-deception to believe in. The kind of passion that takes your breath away with nothing more than a thought,...that electric quality that jolts every nerve in your body to hyper-awareness. Or the kind of love that fills you with a rush that centers on your heart, and squeezes until you feel the earth drop from beneath your feet, and your head spins. The kind that makes you feel as though you'd die without it." Her voice was soft, almost dreamy as she spoke.
The answer was simple, and they both knew it.
"They don't," Sarai replied.
