Freefall,...rapid, uncontrolled descent into a personal void. The sense of loss was overwhelming, and he could no longer deny himself on the basis of a promise. Something reached into his darkness and swept him away from it. Startled, he opened his eyes quickly,...to find her again sitting before him.
"I'm here love," Arrilynn whispered. She watched his futile attempts to calm his shaking with sympathy. Longing to touch him, to take it all away, she could only look on, and wait.
"I,...I'm lost Arri," he said finally. "There isn't anything left for me." Agony slashed deep lines into his face as he hung his head and began to rain.
"Oh my sweet one, no more of this,...please. Please take my hand now. I can't bear this anymore, to see you this way." She began to weep. Suddenly feeling cold, she pulled the shadows up around her like a black velvet cloak.
"And what of your promise?" she wondered aloud. He shook his head, staring blankly at the ground.
"What does it mean now,...what did it ever mean," he replied in a mechanical voice. "I'm forgotten,...dismissed. At a distance, I'm less than a shadow of a memory. I'm nothing." Again he reeled with pain. She sat, suffering with him. So attuned to him that his every emotion hammered at her incessantly.
"You are my reason," she said reassuringly. "The focal point of my existence. I know that doesn't mean the same thing, there isn't any way it could, but it's the truth nonetheless." He nodded briefly, then looked up at her.
"Maybe I need to go back to the Gate. Maybe,..." he trailed off. She was puzzled.
"Why the Gate love? What will you find there to help?"
"I don't know,...maybe there's an answer there,...something." He hadn't been to the Gate during his sleep, in fact, he'd avoided it.
"I don't know that you'd find anything to help you with this, but,...I suppose it's possible. The Gate holds great promises for you." She knew the Gate well, and it's custodians. They wouldn't allow him through, they never had. Even though what lay beyond it was his, they told him he wasn't ready for it yet. Mortal existence was a tidal thing, it came and went, it would hardly be a consideration for them. It certainly wouldn't change their reasons for barring his entrance, but he knew that. Maybe he was just hoping against hope, searching for something to hold onto. She knew people were like that about life when they came to the end of it. The reality of it changed something in them. They could never live life if they went from day to day thinking about just how thin the threads that bound them to mortal life were. So they didn't really face it until it was the only thing they could see.
"Besides," she continued. "You aren't in the right frame of mind to deal with Sarai. She would love to see you like this, you know how she is." He knew she was right, Sarai would use his pain against him in ways he couldn't even imagine, and consume every moment of pain she inflicted. He didn't think he was up to that, he'd never been before.
"I guess," he admitted. "But it would be nice to see Sazzi again." She had to agree with that. Sazzi was the light before the Gate, while Sarai was the darkness. They both had their purpose, but she could never fathom it. Sazzi was kind, and gentle with him, even more so than she. It might mean losing him again, but she couldn't tolerate seeing him in this pain. Either way, she wanted it to end.
The air to her right wavered momentarily, then began to shimmer. Motes of dim light spun in a dance like tiny stars, joining and rejoining until they formed a softly glowing mass. It's shape shifted until it took on the form of a woman. Sazzi shook her head at the crumpled angel in the corner. "Sweet child, what is it that I can do for you? How can I make you see that your time is not at hand? This is not the way for you." She drifted smoothly over to him and ran her fingers through his hair with a translucent hand. Arrilynn sighed, as she watched, wanting more than anything to be able to touch him like that.
~I can't bear this Sazzi, I want so much to end this pain~Sazzi smiled at her.
~I know Arrilynn, I watch, and I weep for him~ She turned back to him. "So much to give. Far too much to waste. His time is not now, but to make him see,..." She closed her eyes and composed herself before going on. "The dictates of freewill allow us no leeway here, it's his choice no matter what. I can only guide, and hope." He looked up at her. "Is there not always hope child? Did you not tell Arrilynn that?" she asked.
"I told her that, but it's not true,...not always. Loss is a part of life too, and the acceptance of it is a hard lesson,...sometimes too hard." He closed his eyes. Sazzi's touch was warm and electric. He could feel her attempts to heal him, calm his mind. But he was too far gone for that now, and he knew she was feeling it.
"Life is like that child, it's a process of learning, you know that. Pain has it's value, it's own unique lessons to impart. But it's survivable." Arrilynn remained quiet, listening.
He shook her hand away, and stood up. "It's survivable if you want it to be, if you can see a reason to survive it. I can't anymore, there isn't anything "real" for me anymore, I don't think there ever was."
Then he held his hand out to Arrilynn.
"NO!" Sazzi almost shouted, pushing his hand away. Arrilynn sat stunned, that was the last thing she'd expected him to do, especially in Sazzi's presence. "Please child,...give this more thought, more time," she pleaded. He looked at her. She was amazing to look at. The light continually refracted and reflected from her in flowing rainbow patterns like a soap bubble.
"What will that accomplish?" he asked. "Will everything suddenly change for the better? Will the past be altered in a more positive way? Will I feel worth something tomorrow that I don't today?"
Arrilynn spoke up. "Your worth is not in question by anyone but you love. What is in question is how to make you see that. I can hardly deny my purpose, but your self-esteem is as important to me as anything I could name."
"And what of faith?" Sazzi added. His face turned to stone, and he looked down at the sapphire bottle.
"Faith," he growled, and the bottle shattered into fragments no larger than grains of sand. The candle spun in the air, hit the ground, bounced a few times and came to rest. "What is faith after all,...and what good is it. Hard to find, and easy to lose," he finished. Arrilynn looked down at the candle as it began to melt, then boil until there was nothing left but a wax residue on the ground. She looked up at Sazzi, this was getting dangerous.
"Who finds faith in lies?" he snapped at Sazzi. "Love keeps me silent, but nothing blinds me."
"Child, you're looking at this through the eyes of pain. You can't possibly expect to see anything clearly. You have to calm yourself and look again."
"It won't look any different. Not tomorrow, or the day after, or the week after that. What makes you think I'm just looking at the surface of this anyway? You know that isn't my way. When was the last time I was superficial about anything?" He leaned against the wall, moving his wings to the side. Arrilynn rose from her seated position, still cloaked in her dark gown. She looked at Sazzi and stepped back a bit, feeling suddenly that he might take them both by surprise and grab her at any moment. In the space of three heart beats, the argument would be over. It was difficult, totally against her nature, but she had to give Sazzi a chance. Sazzi gave her a slight smile in appreciation, knowing what it took for her to do that.
"I'm not questioning your depth perception child, just your judgement at such an emotional time." Her point was valid, he had to admit it, but he was tired, and alone once more. The whole thing was unacceptable. As a wave of nausea swept over him again, he spoke. "As you've said, this is my choice. You can give me hundreds of reasons for going on, and I can give you as many to validate my position. The argument is over, it's pointless. So I don't finish this life with the knowledge I was supposed to acquire from it, so I don't complete myself this time. So I don't make it through the Gate. I'll do it again, another time, another life, another chance." He looked at Sazzi calmly. "What can I hope to accomplish in this much pain? You know better than to think I can function this way."
"Yes," she conceded. "You are undeniably a creature motivated by emotion, and as well destroyed by it. Sometimes I wonder how you go from moment to moment." Arrilynn nodded, she'd found herself wondering that quite often lately. "Yet I can't help but wish you'd give yourself a chance, some time. Patience is costly, but it can ultimately be worth more than the time and effort you give to it." He looked up into the night sky. A few of the brighter stars were still visible through the light mist.
"Both of you know my heart as well as you know my face. You know that for me, the only source of hope lies elsewhere, and at this point, I don't see it forthcoming. I could wait, be patient and try to convince myself that I still mean something,...I could, but I don't see it anymore. I see nothing,...emptiness,...abandonment. I see everything I've done in the name of love cast aside like so much garbage. I'll never be good enough, or just "enough" to make a difference, to make "that" difference. And right now, that's all that matters to me. So what am I left with? Who can convince someone that being lonely isn't the end of the world, when they're tormented by it every second of every day? Who's going to make me care that my life has fallen into ruin, when every emotion I have is focused in another direction? Am I just to sit and wait for it all to change, and hope that someday my life will matter to me again for another reason? How long will that take, and what will I hold on with?" His body had begun to shake again. Emotion ran riot through him.
Arrilynn's face was wet with tears, as was Sazzi's. As usual, the point he made was flawless, at least from his perspective, and it was his perspective that was the crux here. Neither had anything to counter him, it would only be shot down again and again. And in fact he was right, it was his choice.
"What are you left with when the most important thing in your life doesn't need you,..." he finished.
"My love is with you child, whatever you do," Sazzi whispered, as she vanished, leaving only the echo of her whispers. Arrilynn looked at him, wishing she had something to say. But she could think of nothing. Time for discussion was ended, all she could do was await his decision. He pushed himself away from the wall, stepped over to the sword she had driven into the ground days before, and easily withdrew it. Light ran up and down the blade as he raised it. He smiled at her.
"No love, not with this,..."
And he stepped forward and took her in his arms.
