A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show..
A window was something you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd
was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
If you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head.
Call and complain
that the keyboard no longer worked?
Some guy had cleaned it by filling up
his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day,
then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.
Called to say he couldn't get his
computer to fax anything.
After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting,
the technician discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper
by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "Send" key.
One customer was asked to send a copy of her
defective diskettes. A few days later
a letter arrived from the customer along with
Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
Another technician received a call from a man
complaining that the system wouldn't
read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat
failed to diagnose the problem, it was
found that the customer labeled the diskettes
then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
of what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments
for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!
(unknown)
There is a story of identical twins.
One was a hope-filled
optimist.
"Everything is coming up roses!" he would say.
The other twin was a sad and hopeless pessimist.
He thought that Murphy,
as in Murphy's Law,
was an optimist.
The worried parents of the boys
brought them to the local sychologist.
He suggested to the parents a plan
to balance the twins' personalities.
"On their next birthday,
put them in separate rooms to open their gifts.
Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford,
and give the optimist a box of manure."
The parents followed these instructions
and carefully observed the results.
When they peeked in on the pessimist,
they heard him audibly complaining,
"I don't like the color of this computer . .
I'll bet this calculator will break . . .
I don't like the game . . .
know someone who's got
a bigger toy car than this . . ."
Tiptoeing across the corridor,
the parents peeked in and saw
their little optimist gleefully
throwing the manure up in the air.
He was giggling.
"You can't fool me!
Where there's this much manure,
there's gotta be a pony!"
(Unknown)
My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and
break your neck, you can't go to the
store with me," as well as,
"If everyone else jumped off a cliff
would you do it too?"
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test,
you'll never get a good job!"
and "Do you think any young man would
want to marry a girl who doesn't
act like a lady?" (You really appreciate
that statement when you are 8 or 9 years old.)
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that
I know when you're cold?"
and "Don't lie to me; I know you did it!"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you...
Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand,"
or, "I will explain it all when you get older."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about
RECEIVING...
You are going to get it when I get you home.
And the all time favorite thing my mother taught me -
JUSTICE
"One day you will have kids,
and I hope they turn out just like you.
then you'll see what it's like!
I can't wait!"
(Sadie Dell)
During the minister's prayer one Sunday,
there was a loud whistle
from one of the back pews.
Gary's mother was horrified.
She pinched him into silence,
and after church asked:
"Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered soberly:
"I asked God to teach me to whistle...
and He just then did!"
(unknown)
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out!
Countless number of people have eaten
in this kitchen and gone on
to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ---
just vending machines.
(unknown)
I recently was paired with a young man
for an afternoon of golf. The first hole was
a long par four with water to the right
and a deep ravine to the left.
The man takes out a brand new sleeve
of balls, tees one up and immediately
hits it into the water on the right.
Undaunted, he pulls another ball from the sleeve
and hits it into the ravine.
He now takes the last ball
from the sleeve and hits it into the water.
He reaches into his bag and pulls out
another brand new sleeve of balls.
"Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked.
His response: "I've never had an old ball."
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen
and this kitchen is
delirious.
No husband has ever been shot
while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes
out the trash and gives the impression
he just cleaned the whole house.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Leftovers always expand to fill
all available containers plus one.
Newly washed windows gather dirt,
grime and finger prints
at twice the speed of unwashed ones.
The availability of a ball-point pen
varies in inverse proportion
to how badly it is needed.
The potential for disaster is in
direct proportion to the number of
TV remote-controls
divided by the number of
viewers.
Clutter that fills a one-car garage
fills a two-car garage.
Three children plus two cookies
guarantees a fight.
The volume capacity of any water-heater
is equal to one and a half sibling showers.
(unknown)
Mature Golfers Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Jeb, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle !? Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing. On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?" To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did." Jeb asked, "Where did it go?" Wilbur replied, "I forget!"
(unknown)
I had been deathly ill with pneumonia.
I arrived at the out patient department
of the hospital
to have some follow up tests done.
I was dismayed to find that a 50lb.
bag of dog food was still in the trunk
of my car, sitting on top my walker.
I anxiously looked around for
help and was delighted to see an
able bodied young man in his early
thirties coming towards me.
I quickly explained my problem
and he looked very serious, considering
the whole thing and then he said,
"You want me to take the dog food
out of the trunk?
You want me to lift the walker out
of the trunk?
What do you want me to do with the dog food then?
I replied, "Shall we put it back in the trunk."
He smiled a great big smile and agreed.
Then he asked me if we should close the trunk and
I assured him that we should.
He accompanied me to the hospital doors,
all the time going on excitedly
about how good it feels when you help someone.
I agreed realizing that he must live
in the assisted care unit behind the
hospital for the mentally handicapped.
Two days later I had to return
to the hospital for more tests.
I was leaving the premises
when I saw my young blond friend bounding
towards me with a huge smile on his face.
He said, "Remember me?
I'm the one who helped you the other day."
I assured him that of course I remembered him
and asked how he was doing?
He replied that he was doing fine,
but would be doing a lot better if he had
35 cents for a cup of coffee.
I reached into my purse and found
a $20 and five ones.
I decided to give him the five ones.
He beamed and said that he would be able to
buy lots of cups of coffee with that
so I suggested that he plan on
having two cups a day and
then
the money would last a while.
He thought about this and agreed.
Then he asked how I was doing.
I assured him I was on the mend
but that I would need to come back
again for more tests just to make sure
everything was all right.
He asked me when I would be coming back
and I replied that I would be back in two days.
He put a dollar bill in my hand and said,
"When you come back, bring me a pack of cigs,
some cookies, some crackers
and some cheese, all right?"
I assured him that I
would.
We said our good-byes and I watched him
jaunt along the path and go back into the hospital.
My new friend was costly
but I was laughing inside.
Two days later when I arrived at the hospital,
he was hanging out the window on the second floor,
obviously waiting for me.
He was so happy to see me and shouted
that he would be right down.
I could hardly hold the tears back,
for I somehow knew
he had been at that window all day.
We embraced joyously and then I sat
with him in the,
"Visiting Room."
He introduced me to everyone as his "friend."
I handed him the shopping bag containing his goodies
(minus the cigs) and he contemplated each item
for a long time, then he smiled that
gorgeous
smile and asked, "Any change?"
As I left the premises that day
I found myself assuring God that I
would take this friendship very seriously.
I knew that our paths had crossed for a purpose,
God makes no mistakes.
I could make this young man's life a little better,
I could visit,
I could bring small presents.
Something told me that it was really important
to him for his fellow patients
to know that he had a "friend."
Maybe he had prayed for one.
(unknown)
It was nearing the holiday season, 1994,
time for our orphans to hear,
for the first time,
the traditional story of Christmas.
We told them about Mary and Joseph
arriving in Bethlehem.
Finding no room in the inn,
the couple went to a stable,
where the baby Jesus was born
and placed in a manger.
Throughout the story,
the children and orphanage staff
sat in amazement as they listened.
Some sat on the edges of their stools,
trying to grasp every word.
Completing the story,
we gave the children three small pieces of cardboard
to make a crude manger.
Each child was given a small paper square,
cut from yellow napkins I had brought with me.
No colored paper was available in the city.
Following instructions, the children tore
the paper and carefully laid strips
in the manger for straw.
Small squares of flannel,
cut from a worn-out nightgown an American lady
was throwing away as she left Russia,
were used for the baby's blanket.
A doll-like baby was cut from tan felt
we had brought from the United States.
The orphans were busy assembling their manger
as I walked among them
to see if they needed any help.
All went well until I got to one
table where little Misha sat.
He looked to be about 6 years old
and had finished his project.
As I looked at the little boy's manger,
I was startled to see not one,
but two babies in the manger.
Quickly, I called for the translator
to ask the lad why there were two babies
in the manger.
Crossing his arms in front of him
and looking at this completed manger scene,
the child began to repeat the story very seriously.
For such a young boy,
who had only heard the Christmas story once,
he related the happenings accurately--
until he came to the part where
Mary put the baby Jesus in the manger.
Then Misha started to ad-lib.
He made up his own ending to the story as he said,
"And when Maria laid the baby in the manger,
Jesus looked at me and asked me
if I had a place to stay.
I told him I have no mamma and I have no papa,
so I don't have any place to stay.
Then Jesus told me I could stay with him.
But I told him I couldn't,
because I didn't have a gift to give him
like everybody else did.
But I wanted to stay with Jesus so much,
so I thought about what I had
that maybe I could use for a gift.
I thought maybe if I kept him warm,
that would be a good gift."
So I asked Jesus, "If I keep you warm,
will that be a good enough gift?"
And Jesus told me, "If you keep me warm,
that will be the best gift anybody ever gave me."
"So I got into the manger,
and then Jesus looked at me and he told me
I could stay with him---for always."
As little Misha finished his story,
his eyes brimmed full of tears that
splashed down his little cheeks.
Putting his hand over his face,
his head dropped to the table and
his shoulders shook as he sobbed and sobbed.
The little orphan had found someone
who would never abandon nor abuse him,
someone who would stay with him-
FOR ALWAYS.
(Sheena)
There came a frantic knock
at the doctor's office door.
A knock, more urgent than
he had ever heard before,
"come in, come in," the impatient doctor said,
"come in, come in, before you wake the dead."
In walked a frightened little girl,
a child no more than nine,
It was plain for all to see,
she had troubles on her mind,
"Oh doctor, I beg you, please come with me,
My mother is surely dying,
she's as sick as she can be."
"I don't make house calls,
bring your mother here,"
"But she's too sick,
so you must come or she will die I fear."
The doctor, touched by her devotion,
decided he would go, she said he would be blessed,
more than he could know.
She led him to her house
where her mother lay in bed,
her mother was so very sick
she couldn't raise her head.
But her eyes cried out for help,
and help her the doctor did,
she would have died that very night
had it not been for her kid.
The doctor got her fever down
and she lived through the night, and
morning brought the doctor signs,
that she would be all right.
The doctor said he had to leave
but would return again by two,
and later he came back to check,
just like he said he'd do.
The mother praised the doctor
for all the things he'd done,
he told her she would have died,
were it not for her little one.
"How proud you must be
of your wonderful little girl,
it was her pleading that made me come,
she is really quite a pearl!"
"But doctor, my daughter died over three years ago.
Is the picture on the wall
of the little girl you know?"
The doctors legs went limp
for the picture on the wall,
was the same little girl
for whom he'd made this call.
The doctor stood motionless,
for quite a little while,
and then his solemn face, was broken by his smile.
He was thinking of that frantic knock
heard at his office door,
and of the beautiful little angel
that had walked across his floor.
(unknown)
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