---

*Don't feel bad for losing. I was wrestling wolves when you were back at your mother's teat!*

*If I were elected mayor the first thing I would do is I'd kill the lot of you."

*Who's gonna save the wee turtles? I've got to save the wee turtles. Aaaahh, save me from the wee turtles!"

*You hags are alright!*

*Bake 'em away, toys!*

*That's some nice flutin' , boy.*

*Yeah sure Pops, no jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Uhh, except maybe Texas.*

*Remember Ralphie, if your nose starts bleeding, it means your picking it too much. Or not enough.*

*I ought to club them and eat their bones.*

Burns: *Who is that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.*
Smithers:*Ah, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.*

Burns: *You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.*
Smithers: *Actually, sir, we found the Jade Monkey. It was in your glove compartment.*
Burns: *And the road maps and ice scraper?*
Smithers: *Yes, they were in there too.*
Burns: *Excellent. It’s all falling into place.*

Burns: *You know, Smithers. I think that I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage...when pigs fly. Hahaha.*
(Homer’s pig flies on by) Smithers: *Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?*
Burns: *No, I'd still prefer not.*

Smithers: *The man in the bag, sir. I think he's alive.*
Burns: *Oh…bad corpse! [whack] bad corpse.[whack] Stop[whack] scaring[whack] Smithers [whack] [whimper] Satisfied?*
Smithers: *Thank you sir.*

Burns: *So, another Friday's upon us. What'll you be doing, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt.*
Smithers: *Wha…What?!?*
Burns: *You know light-hearted, fancy-free. Mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is on the town.*
Smithers: *Hahaha…exactly sir.*

*Why it's that delightful TV leprechaun. I'm going to get your Lucky Charms.*

Burns: *Nothing can stop us now…except microscopic germs. But we won’t let that stop us, right Smithers?*
Smithers: *Uh…right sir.*

Burns: *By cutting off cable TV and the beer supply I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes.*
Smithers: *Sir, did you ever stop tp think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous care-takers to go insane and murder their family?*
Burns: *Mm. Perhaps. Tell you what; if we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I'll owe you a coke.*

*Compadres, it's imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.*

Burns: *Mattingly, get rid of those sideburns.*
Mattingly: *What sideburns?*
Burns: *You heard me, hippie.*

Burns: *Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers from the New York’s idle-wild airport to the Belgium Congo in 17 minutes!*
Smithers: *That’s quite a nice model, sir.*
Burns: *Model?*

Burns: *Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in!*
Smithers: *But sir…*
Burns: (Pulls a gun on him) *I said Get In!*

*This is my pride and joy. I have hidden cameras planted in every home in Springfield. I got the idea from that movie Sliver. What a delightful romp!*

*Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the nazi's, but mine worked, damn it!*

*Huh? Poppin’ Fresh! You gluttonous little dough-boy!*

(Bell rings)
Burns: *Welcome, come on in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead.*
Smithers: *Sir, you have to let go of the button.*
Burns: *Oh, son of a bit…*
(Door slams)

*Dammit Smithers, this isn’t rocket science, it’s brain surgery!*

*Ooooh the Germans are mad at me, I’m so scared. Oooooh, the Germans! Uh oh, the Germans are coming to get me! Oh no, don’t let the Germans come after me. Oh, no the Germans are coming after me. No! They’re so big and strong. Oh, protect me from the Germans, the Germans!*

*Stop right there! I have the only working fazer ever built. It was fired only once to keep William Shatner from making another album.*

*Last night's 'Itchy and Scratchy Show' was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.*

*The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity...*

*As of now, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!*

*Hutz is the name Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.*

*Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidently' with 'repeatedly', and replace 'dog' with 'son'.*

*Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.*

*Professor, without knowing preciscely what the danger is, would you say its time for our viewers to crack each others heads open and eat the goo inside?*

*... and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.*

*Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so...the following people are gay...*

*Top o' the mornin' to ye on this gray, drizzly afternoon. Kent O' Brockman live on Main Street, where today, eveyone is a little bit Irish! Eh-heh, everyone except, of course, for the gays and Italians.*

• Calling All Quakers
• Gladys The Groovy Mule
• Dial M for Murderousness
• The President's Neck is Missing!
• Hydro, the Man With the Hydraulic Arms
• Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out
• Leper in the Backfield
• Make-Out King of Montana
• Slow Down David Copperfield, What's That Down Your Sock
• The Unbearable Moistness of Sweating
• Eenie Meeni Miney, Die

• "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What"
• "Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly"
• "Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass"
• "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot"
• Meat Council film : "Meat And You: Partners in Freedom"
• "Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun"
• "Locker Room Towel Fights : The Blinding of Larry Driscoll"

Disclaimer: The Simpsons are a copyright of the Fox Network, and all quotes and pictures were/are created by the genious of Matt Groening, and the other writers on the Simpson's staff. They are reproduced on this website for enteretainment purposes only.

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