My eyes fill with tears and slowly roll down my cheeks.   I pull my legs up to my chest as the memories that have always haunted me come rushing in.

     The relationship with my father I had always wanted that never came to pass.   The pain that it brought that never goes away.   The what if's, the might have beens.  The expectations I had and the sadness that came instead.

     The pain increasing as I go down memory lane.   My eyes full of hurt and sadness.   Tears flowing freely down my face.   The memories of my childhood, not of the family outings and togetherness.     Nor, did the sound of laughter fill our home....Just the emptiness of wanting you to come home and be with us.

     The family that should have been important to you.   Wanting the small things in life that meant so much to me as a child.

    But, as time goes by the fantasy slowly fades, only to become nonexistent.
The expectations I had for us.....
......Gone like the tide of the ocean as it goes out to sea.

     I yearned to hear the words of praise.   The sound of pride in your voice, when you spoke of me..
Never to happen.....

    The time I graduated from nursing school, so excited,wanting you to share it with me.
But, something else was more important to you and you never showed up.

     Then one fateful day, my world came crashing down around me.   You were seen coming out of a building...
...Not alone......But, with another mans wife..

    As we were fleeing home in the darkness, I knew that you and I would never share the relationship I had always dreamed of.   All the respect for you.   Gone..That, at that moment I knew our family had fallen to its knees.  Your love for women had taken that all away.   Never to be again....

     My distrust of men, that has shown in my relationships.   Settling for less and never expecting more..   Failed marriages as I realized I deserved better than what I was getting.   The fighting and abuse I took.  Finally realizing the viscious cycle must end.   That I and only I could change it.

     I know that this is your cross to bear....not mine.   That you have to live with the pain and hurt you caused.   That you are the one who is now alone.   That the arms of other women is where you must continue to find your happiness and that your children are not a part of your life.   I know it must cause you the same kind of pain that the four of us felt.

     For, I know in my heart I made the effort to put aside past hurts and attempt to make the relationship between us better.   Only to be refused again...  And so Dad,it is with great sadness in my heart that I put the pain and hurt of the past behind me and move on toward the future..  Without you in my life.   For I,must make my own peace with God and I know you now suffer as we did..