Monday, October-31-2005, 10:31 PM
And I've also decided. Next time, if people don't care or seem like they dun care of if they make me feel like they dun care, I shall not bother either. It's not going to be a problem if they dun act like it's a problem and I won't care if it's a problem if they don't think it's a problem.
Monday, October-31-2005, 6:23 PM
Feels good to be working again. Was at Leo's at Heidelberg since 7 until 2.45. What felt better was that I was away from it all. I was working side by side this other guy and I didn't even feel the need to have to talk to him at all. Just being able to mind my own business and not care about the people around me. And being able to do that for 7.75 hours felt kinda good. And while I was working and travelling, I had time to think. I won't try to pretend that I don't mind anymore. I won't pretend that everything's ok. Never will I subject myself to those senarios again. It's easy to say be patient. I'm still totally human and I have feelings and I have emotions and I have limits. What I will not do is to pretend that I'm a saint. I'm a warm-blooded human being capable of having negative feelings just like everybody else. Maybe I should just stay away from it all. Maybe I should just go back.
Walked around the city by myself after I got off work. There're so many things that I want. But what I really want cannot be bought. I don't want to sound selfish, that's why I never ask for it. But it's like what one person said, "you gotto find your balance". It's not something I can change. I can only accept and try to adapt to it.
Evolution is an interesting subject. The fact that so many people believed in it, and it's what turned many people away from God. It may be a convincing theory back in the Darwin days, but recent scientific research and scrunity have found that the evolution theory does not stand up to rational scientific reasoning and some of the evidences that was provided to support Darwin was actually faked/fraud, but was never released to the public. Yet so many textbooks and encyclopedias still publish the topic as a proven fact. When all the missing links cannot be connected, it is only rational to point towards a supernatural explanation. As Jonathan Wells said, to believe in evolution takes much more faith than to believe in a god.
Sunday, October-30-2005, 8:32 PM
Another day went by, and I felt the same way I did yesterday, that I should've just went home straight after church (or at least gone to Smith St like I've initially planned). Not that I went in the first place, coz it was daylight saving and I knew it was today, but I forgot about it when I woke up this morning and looking at the clock. I should have gotten up then, but I forgot about it, so I ended up being 4 hours late for service. Was supposed to be with Julie (the other one) in the control room, but I guess she's a big girl now and she can handle things on her own.
Felt really sucky when I came home, coz of the same various reasons yesterday which happened again today. Wanted to go to Smith St and do a bit of retail-therapy, but it was kinda late already and there's really no point going then. Wanted to go watch Into The Blue but I have to wake up at 6 to go to work tomorrow, and it's no fun to go watch a movie and have to rush back home to rest. Everybody's having exams, so there won't be any soccer for a while. Now I want to just work my ass off during the holidays and earn lots of cash and buy myself lots of stuff, since everytime things like these happen, I just want to indulge in my own possessions.
Defeated the Ultimate and the Diamond Weapon. There's nothing much in the game left other than levelling up to be strong enough to beat Emerald and Ruby. Even FF7 is letting me down. Why does the story have to be so short?......In the end, a really sucky day. It's so sucky it sucked the taste right out of my dinner...
Saturday, October-29-2005, 8:36 PM
Haven't been blogging for quite a while. Some may know that I've been busy with both my CT and AD projects, both due one day after the other. Which kinda sucks. No extension could be granted because of building works. And it feels good when everything's over. Just 2 more weeks to my holidays. I've got a DV assignment due the day before my CT exam. There just ain't no better timing.
Starting to look for a job now, since I won't be going home for the summer. Just when I was thinking about it when I was still busy with my AD, I got a message from Lotons and Thomas Jewellers calling me to work. :) Prayer answered. Haha. Let tomorrow worry about itself, I guess.
And what better way to come back from a hectic schedule than to play FF the whole day? Just re-visited Mideel and now trying to breed chocobos. Got a female gold one this morning and I raced her to an S rank. Completed the submarine quest too. There isn't much to the story now except for the Rocket Town Huge Materia quest and the Midgar invasion :(
Today's pretty sucky for various reasons. Felt like I shouldn't have left the house, and also felt like I shouldn't have stayed at home after that. If things are gonna be like this then I might as well just shut myself from the world and play FF till I killed both Emerald and Ruby (which is gonna take a long long time since I still have to master my materias. And killing them is no easy task either). Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered......
You guys should catch "Real la Pelicula (Real the Movie) out..
Sunday, October-23-2005, 4:11 PM
"Sigh."
"Why? Are you bored?"
"No."
"Then why are you sighing?"
"Bored."
My sister just rolled her eyes. She got a plush Mog from Tamarket, which she has been eyeing for very long. I got the Pulsado Dragon yesterday which I haven't been eyeing for too long and Jane got an Emily action figure which she hasn't even set her eye on. So things are close to being good, when you minus the cash outflow. But in the end, everyone's happy, so it has to be good.
Getting the dragon didn't bring as much excitment as a new shoe would normally bring. Then again, nothing seems to excite me these days. I keep feeling that I'm doing something wrong, and I keep feeling the urge to have to explain myself. How I wish there's someone who can understand me. And how I wish I can understand myself better.
Sigh.
Friday, October-14-2005, 9:22 AM
"How can you survive like that?" was my friend's response when I told her what I've been doing for the past week. Finding it incredibly hard to sleep these days. And I've been waking up at around 7 for almost a week now. The first thing I did was go straight to work. Surprisingly, I seem to have lost the habit of stoning in bed. I draft throughout the day. When I'm tired, I go to the library and search for trade literature. Once I feel refreshed, I come back and draft again until I sleep. Sometimes I forget about my meals, I dun play soccer anymore, and I don't take naps either. My sister says I'm very disorientated these days. What in the world is she talking about. Of course I am! Sometimes I wonder too how I manage to go through all these. No wonder I'm feeling a little sick.
Sunday, October-9-2005, 8:52 AM
7 Things I Want to Change
1. I want to be more sensitive
How can I be so dense? Sometimes, I just don't realise something's wrong until I was made to feel that it's wrong. And in the end, I felt like an idiot coz it seems like I'm the only person who thinks that everything is OK.
2. I want to be more attentive
When you're in a group, sometimes you pay more attention to certain people more than others. And I might made those who I unconsciously ignored feel like I did it on purpose. It's happened before, and that's why I always stay away from big groups of ppl who I know. If they're a bunch of strangers, I don't really care, coz they probably won't care whether you talked to them. But when it's a group of friends that you know, it's kinda hard. No matter how hard I tried, either I ignore or I feel like I'm ignored. No matter how close I am to any of those people, I still don't like being among all of them at the same time. A better way is just to stay away from groups of ppl. It backfired during Juls baptism, and I dunno what to do anymore.
3. I want to be more understanding
I want to be able to understand Juls better. I want to make her happy. Sometimes, I don't know what I did that upset her, or somebody else. I can't read people's emotional or mood changes very well. And I think that made people feel that I don't care. Most of the time, I just assumed that things are OK. Coz since I'm fine with it, why wouldn't others be? But it's not all about me. People have feelings too. I want to be able to understand their feelings.
5. I want to be less self-centered
I don't know if it's a known fact that I keep quiet when I'm in a bad mood/tired/not happy/pissed/upset/mad/injured. I know Juls dun like it when I don't talk. What I don't realise is that I seem to talk to everyone else but her. I don't know whether it's because I would expect her to talk to me first when I'm in the conditions stated above, just to see if she noticed/cared. I know she does, but she's scared that I might ignore her when she does so she usually refrains from it, and that kind of made me go into the I-wont-talk-to-you-until-you-talk-to-me-first mode. I don't want to be like that. Well, a better way would be to just not attend any event when I'm feeling any of those above, which I'm totally fine with, but I don't know if that'll sit too well with other people. They might not even notice I'm there anyway. And I have to do something about 'that look' that everybody is complaining about.
5. I want to more loving
I love my girlfriend and I never wanted to do anything that make her mad/angry/upset. I'm only human, and sometimes I made her feel that way unintentionally. I want to be all of the above, so I can be able to make her feel loved more. I don't want to ignore her, or make her not talk to me, coz then, everything will just feel so different when I don't get to hear from her .Please pray for me.
7. I want to be able to count
I just realised that I missed out on 4 and went straight to 5.
Saturday, October-8-2005, 9:17 AM
Yesterday was Jesie's birthday. Had a surprise party for her and then went to this Jap restaurant for dinner at Docklands. The party is ok, despite her being camera-shy. And the dinner....it's Jap, I dunno what to say about it. But it's her birthday so, sometimes you just have to be patient. And I went to QV for YX's birthday too. They're playing this Amazing Race thing for him where they get him to run around the city finding clues that leads him to the prize....Carmen wrapped in a box. The Singgies are sick. But it's kinda funny, I mean, I don't mind if my prize is Juls in a box. But I dunno if Carmen (or Juls) is gonna agree to that. My 'best friend' is there, so I went home early.
Before that, I played football with YX and a bunch of Koreans. I scored a goal! Well, a rather cheap one, coz this guy was hanging on to the ball in front of the goal and if he's not gonna pass it soon, I might as well rob him of it. In MU terms, a goal is a goal no matter how ugly it is. But I took a knock (I think, coz I don't even remember) during the game, and now my thigh hurts so much. Even since yesterday, I could feel the pain when I'm climbing the stairs and lifting my legs....even walking. And I had no idea where this pain on my shoulder came from. Maybe it's from the fall, which I got some grazes on the palm of my hand. No matter, it still hurts....A LOT.
Y'know how some people say junk like "No matter what happens, we'll always be friends." It's another example that these words can never be relied on. Besides, they're merely words. You were not there when I needed you, and now you seem to have turned your back on me. I tried, I took the initiative, and you still gave me the cold shoulder. So what was it about "being friends", if you can't even be happy for the things that happen to me in my life? I resepected your decisions, I let you have what you wanted. Why can't you respect my choices? Y'know what? I give up. Be like that. You're not the first to do this, and I don't think you'll be the last. You're just another entry in the list of untrustworthy friends. Oh, and btw, the 'best friend' who I refered to above is not actually my best friend. I don't even like him. I have no one of such acquaintance. Any prefix in front of the word friends can be used as a weapon against you.
Gonna play soccer in 0.5 hours time. ISM is assembling a team to play against another church. And maybe, next year we can join the inter-church cup. Haha. I can feel it already. My leg's gonna be so dead when I came back. Well, they said they're gonna go to the tulip festival (probably). That sort of ruined my plans. Sigh. Since no one's doing anything about it, I might do something on my own then. Ok, time to go get wasted. Hahaha.
Thursday, October-6-2005, 10:14 AM
All the frustration yesterday because of my own stupidity. Haha. First of, e-messenger SUCKS! It's unreliable to send or receive any messages. And it made me blame someone for no reason. Even though I don't want to, but when you're a jerk like me, you blame everybody else but yourself. Second, I changed the login password for Netspace 2 days ago when I wanted to try using it as my web host. Of course, as it turned out, Netspace doesn't offer any web space anymore, only a stupid photo gallery. But then, I forgot to change the password settings for my router, and when I thought the modem was idle, I restarted it and couldn't go online since. Can't go online, don't know if she's online, called but my no one picked up, can't talk to her. I got so pissed I went straight to bed. But I could still feel my heart heavy with the impact of the whole situation I couldn't sleep at all. Called her a little later, but then, I seemed to make matters worse. I'm an idiot. I should have just played FF instead. Things could have been a lot easier had I figured out it was with the password thing earlier. Now I feel bad for making her feel sad. Hey, that rhymes!!! ....I'm not in the mood to be funny now. So sorry. Didn't mean to make you feel that way. Anyway, I got my motivation back (somehow). So ya, work work!!! :)
Tuesday, October-4-2005, 12:28 AM
My CT assignment is due tomorrow, and yet, I've only done a draft for it. Not really in the mood to do anything about it. Well, it's due and I'm still working on my website. And now this. Hahaha. Lazy me. Oh and btw, I've decided to stick with freespaces as my web host. 50MB of web space and 2.5GB bandwidth. Not bad when you consider it's free. No ads too.
Jul's relatives are here for a visit. She's all busy entertaining them and bringing them around. I've been deprived of attention. But I don't blame her though. She's just being the good girl that she is. Her dad's gonna be here too sometime soon. And you know what that means? It means my original Jap WE9 is gonna be here too, if Juls remembers to ask him and if he bothered to get it and if Indo even has it anymore and if he can make it past the customs. Probably not gonna see her for a while....maybe it's a good thing. I can really use some time to do work. But that'll only make me miss her more :(
Monday, October-3-2005, 9:06 PM
The past few days have been great. Was at Toora for the M-Wing retreat, which included tonnes of indomee for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Actually, we had steamboat on Saturday night. When I got home yesterday, I was so glad coz I hadn't had rice for 2 days. And to think that I would get into a fight because of rice too (I still think HM and JL are mean girls). Went hiking to Pillar Point, which had some breathtaking views, some ignorant wombat and a puddle of holy water in the middle of the tracks (we all know what it was, but you won't want to know though). We went to Squeaky Beach too. Apparently, the beach squeaks (literally) when you walk on the sand. I'm not a geologist so I'm not able to explain why, but if you want to know, better take a walk there yourself. It was nice, taking a stroll along the beach with Juls bare-footed and holding hands. Felt like a scene from a romantic movie. It's not always that I feel so sentimental towards someone. Maybe it was the surroundings, maybe it was the atmosphere, but it gave me some fuzzy feeling which I don't like, but on that day, I allowed myself to be engulfed by it. I don't like feeling vulnerable, but if this retreat was aimed at building bonds, I knew I had built one that I never intend to break.
I've reached North Corel, and I got the Force Stealer. Everyone is at lvl 21 now, except for Cloud who's 24. Was wondering if I should go to Gold Saucer. There's nothing really much to do, but I'm kinda reluctant to go on with the story yet :(
I finally got my tripod back. After maybe 3 months. Oh well. At least I got it back. Angelfire has too many ads, it's annoying. Geocities have a stupid ad square which can't be changed or removed. But I found one web host which does not have ads. Well, that's what they all say. The ads are gonna come sooner or later. These guys have got to make money somehow. Previously, AF dun have ads either. But look at it now. Anyway, those interested may want to visit www.gzero.tk :)
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