I forgot how incredibly weak I am. But having a summer with truly no hockey (last year there were cup celebrations and Dallas Stallions RHI amazing fun) I have come to terms with my intensely pathetic hockey weakness. I went to BeckyBunny’s hockey game and at once went weak in the knees when the smell of ice and sweat hit me- AHHHHH….sweet as the morning…..
Anywho- then came the goalie pads…..that’s not fair to do to me that late at night (Becky plays at midnight). I mean, I see a blocker and I’m done for let alone many fully geared goaltenders ready for action (insert swoon and faint here). So there I sit powerless, panting and pathetic when I hear- “MOTHER FUCKER! HEY! SHITHEAD!” and my feeble heart stopped. The image of Grant Marshall dropping his gloves and taunting an opponent flashes through my head and you could scrape me off the floor with a Canadian snow shovel.
Do I miss the game in the off months? Yes, like the ice during play misses the zamboni I miss the greatest game on earth- but I had no idea how much until that night. Can I wait until- terrified gasp- SEPTEMBER!?! I can and I will. I will buy cards and look though my pictures and caress my autographs and continue to watch old games until once again my life source returns….oh and maybe I’ll see X-Men again…..

Hockey news is buzzing but as usual the Stars are slow to do much. So, I turn to baseball, but I’m a Rangers fan and I need something else to fill my days with ( and Expos games are NEVER on). I found my salvation on the FoodNetwork. There he is, my glimmering beacon of summer love- EMERILL. He’s Eddie in an apron: Dark hair, shortish, and there’s something in those eyes and smile just a little bit naughty….. His ‘BAM!’ the equivalent of a perfect glove save and each “Let’s Kick It Up a Notch!” is like seeing Eddie stack his pads- oooooooooooooh perfection… His passion for butter and garlic and butter matches Ed’s intensity for the game- but away from the stove he shares Ed’s off ice quiet, private persona (did you see him on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?). Of course he doesn’t have the rugged sex-charged violent side I love about Eddie- and he’s not Canadian- but, in my world he’s a good enough substitute for the long off-season. YES I’M CRAZY OBSESSIVE, WHAT’S YOUR POINT? AT LEAST IM FINDING HEALTHY WAYS TO COPE INSTEAD OF HIDING IN HIS BUSHES!

Bobby Clarke is lucky I haven’t found him and shot him. He is the biggest shit head on the planet- anyone arguing yet? What he’s done to Eric Lindros (and yes I am biased- I’m going to marry him) is beyond excusable and now to claim he still wants him around- just not his parents- is bullshit and manipulative. Whether or not the offer he made perfect number 88 is valid or not is far from the point- to offer a superstar player of his “next one” caliber- a fan favorite- that kind of deal shows bitterness and disrespect. OH! And moving away from sexy Eric for two seconds- DAMMIT BOBBY SIGN JOHN LECLAIR!! HES TOO GOOD AND TOO ADORABLE NOT TO BE INKED (and the same goes for Derek Plante- come on Chicago get you ass in gear and let Dreamweaver play). In conclusion, one more bitch ass move from Clarke and if he shows up in a south side Philly dumpster somewhere I’ll take the credit. The world would be a better place for hockey.
AS A SIDE NOTE: yes, he was a great player who deserves his HoF status- bitch that he was- but he’ll never get any medals or cookies for his GM skills or way with people and that’s what I’m insulting.

Razor Quiz for '98-'99