Hey people,
Why am I letting this get to me so badly? Why do I give a shit now, when I could care less about that garbage relationship a month and a half ago? I'll tell you why. Because it's the fact that it's obvious she never cared, or cared as much as she made me feel like she cared. I did so much shit for her. I tried to make it work, as hard as I could. And she's completely unaffected by it. She didn't do shit for me, and it's apparent that my actions meant nothing to her. When her fucking ex that she's still in love with, cheated on her six times. What the fuck? So why is it that relationships are such bullshit? Why can't you have two people who love each other, actually love each other. I'm not saying I ever fell in love with her, because I never came close. I had more feelings for former crushes than I ever had for her.
And now, right when I thought I was on the verge of a relationship that could possibly work. I had actually restored faith in females, and thought that it was just a fucking idiot that I had dealt with that didn't know the first thing about relationships, physically and mentally... Despite so much experience, and it being my first one. It tears me apart. But what tears me apart even more, is the fact that I restored my faith in someone, and had it stripped away again. No one is giving me an excuse to get back into a relationship. No one is allowing me to put forth my full faith into them. I didn't with my ex, and I haven't with this new girl. And by putting this much faith into them, and still feeling after effects from it, then I am so glad that I no longer put forth all of my faith into anyone.
I clearly remember doing that in the past and I was suicidal back then. I am not going to go through that garbage again. Maybe someone in their teens really shouldn't be in a long-term relationship. There are so many options, and so little experience. But having someone on your side, your rock that will never move no matter what shit goes bad. To have someone who actually genuinely cares about what you have to say. Someone who actually remembers things you say, and does little things for you. Someone who cares about you. Someone who you can fall in love with. There are so many people out there, I would think it would be easier than it is. But everyone has so many alterior motives, including myself, that it just seems to not work out.
I guess being single, and having fun and just fucking around with people should be good enough. It's actually decent sex and no relationship bullshit to put up with. There's generally more honesty as well. Making it clear what each other wants... But the line becomes blurry when someone starts to like the other more than just a fuck buddy. That's when things get complicated. And at the same time, when that doesn't occur, it makes you feel like you've done something wrong. For some reason that other person only has/had sexual feelings toward you, and that's it.
When I have no options, or merely one day of no attention given to me, or I should say interest put towards me... I get so crushingly lonely. It's awful. And if I truly move out to California, I'll start all over again. Which is a difficult thing to start, but it's also nice to have a completely fresh start. But out in Montana I had a campus of 10,000 other people just like me, around the same age, all looking for a new start. In California I'd be on my own. And only me. No one else to help me when shit goes bad, no community to help me out. Everything would fall on my shoulders, and I'd only have myself to blame. I wouldn't be able to blame everyone else for my circumstances. And if I went down hard, I'd go down all alone. And I don't know if I have enough maturity mentally to handle such a thing. I'm so unwise with some things right now. And I kind of hoped I'd have somewhat of a significant other that could give me advice and want to hear my advice and actually would heed some of it. That could be someone I could lean on, and take some of the weight off of myself.
But it's obvious such a thing isn't meant to be. And if it is, then I'm just not very patient. And I know there are those that are more than willing to start something with me, and be those things for me. But I have no interest in them. Maybe a nice fuck every once in a while. But nothing major with them.
It doesn't help that I feel like I'm developing a crush on a hostess at Chili's, for the first time since Junior year in high school. But it's the worst place to have it occur. If something does happen, which I am more than certain it will not, I'd have to quit my job at Chili's. It would just be too awkward otherwise. But I have a feeling she's just a flirtatious person, who would be doing the same thing, with any guy who was a busser that she could give her entertainment for the rest of the night. Very outgoing people, who pick me up and actually allow me to come out of my shell, I always get the worst reads on them. Because generally they're just nice, and only think of me as a friend, and really only flirt to have fun every once in a while. Which is what we do now. I'd love for something to happen between us, but at the moment with this girl, I feel like I'd fall very hard for her. And I've never really done that, when another has really liked me back. It's such a vulnerably position. You put your heart in their hands, and they can do absolutely anything they want with it. It's scary, and yet could be so worth it if it truly did work out. And if it didn't, you'd just be crushed and feel ripped apart. There's no middle-ground to the situation. You either are in ecstasy or in hell. No inbetweens...
-Dan, d.h.cookson@gmail.com
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