There was a time when I didn’t think I’d make it to my seventeenth birthday…then I didn’t think I’d live to be an adult. That is gone for the most part- I am forward looking, not stuck or backward looking. I see my future, with several different ways of getting there (not just one). Sure, occasionally I can get hit with that old thought- that one day I will carry out my suicide, but those thoughts are few and far between…and more importantly, more of a remembrance than a statement of now.

There are times now, when I want to cut. When I feel the need and I can come so close. But it’s a line I choose to not step over. No need to bring back old demons I’ve laid to rest. It was always a choice. No matter the circumstances surrounding it, no matter how much I hurt, no matter how bad everything seemed…putting the blade to my skin was always my choice.

The destruction is vast. Crappy grades, that I don’t think can honestly be made up…enough to get into grad school. My hope there is that my work experience speaks for itself (I come out of undgrad school with the work experience of a grad student) and being my charming self during interviews and finally, great reviews from supervisors. Heck, my “kids” can speak for themselves…without some of my help, they couldn’t have spoken at all. But I know that despite maybe not getting into grad school on the first try, I have two, maybe three more options that I am looking into- without dread. In high school- it was this college or…nothing…I didn’t know what- All I had was my college (any mention of another was met with dread and a no)- with good right- I was the kind of student they were looking for- had all the extra stuff and glowing reviews (just had a bad ninth/tenth year and a bout of mono 11^th). I knew, for me, that I had to get there. Once there I’d figure stuff out! And have!!
But back to the point- I see options now- showing I guess how my mind is more flexible than it ever was. I owe that a kick-ass counselor…and maybe even more to a professor who has constantly shown me the second and third options. Out of all the advice she drilled in me- the existence of Option B was the one she has always drilled home the most. Now I see why and am walking that path. As in The Matrix- there is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path…bout time I start walking it!

More destruction- any hope of post graduation friends- I’ve lost pretty much most friends my age except maybe two…though maybe I’ll make some this year and next, who knows? But my friends are in their late twenties, early thirties for the most part. And it seems to fit. As one said- That is where my mind’s development is! When I talk with those my age, it’s actually hard…it’s like I was at this stage in high school. Hence, I had few high school friends. Somewhere along the lines I lost time or fused time and now, it always seems I’m not where I should be, who I get along with is different than what you would think. But I get support from those friends who are older. Honestly, upon graduation, as I move to the “real” world…what does it matter? I don’t think it does.

Well enough of that destruction crap! The good things!

I have two families again! I have a mother AND a father…biologically. And my relationship with both is more real than it’s ever been for both.

First- father- obviously the biggest thing ever. He is in my life…I at one point in time decided I just couldn’t deal with him and my mother and the things he was doing, she was doing, and the lies that were being spun by both sides. Being just a child, I picked the only option I saw. And decided that was the best thing for me for six years. Until it was brought up in therapy a year ago. Even then- after six years- what do you do with something like that. Well I didn’t know. Luckily- he did and contacted me. Rocky at first, we’ve begun a wonderful relationship that I hope to always continue. I know he says he lost me once, it won’t happen again- goes both ways- I lost a father once, I won’t let it happen again.

Second- mother- I don’t even know how to say it, as some good qualities were instilled in me and some not so good ones. And our relationship was rocky- pretty much me ready to do whatever at her whim and to try and be “perfect”. I was her version of “perfect” and what a girl of my age should want and do. When that began to crack- it all came tumbling down. Now with three years of this going on, I’ve sustained an independence from her that I lacked before, yet I am still connected and will probably at some state always remain. I lover her endlessly…but when it comes to my life- I make the decisions and for my benefit now, not hers. And for the most part- I don’t see going home as a major under-taking and don’t fear a fight etc. I can speak to them without harsh words. Some subjects are still taboo, but are getting better with time. I just know, some things take time and patience. She’s one of those things. And some things are “her” problem- not mine. My health is my responsibility right now, and come above anything she may have to say about it. So I would say we are in an okay spot right now. And comparatively…I’m alright with that.

The “issues”…y’all know what I’m talking about. They are at the very least out of denial- in the open- some people know about them. That is a start…and like everything- you have to start somewhere!

Finding my job- that has occurred in the year span. I can’t even begin to state the importance of that, so I’ll leave it for now. But it has substantially helped!

The insights I have gained…too numerous to tell you all about. That would take another hundred pages of rants.

Beginning work on a typical life. I know there is no “normal”! But one day I will have a sustained sleep-wake cycle. Meaning- I go to bed at this time and wake up at this time. I will eat two-three meals a day and not feel guilty about my body. I will exercise at least once a day, hopefully in the morning. I will be routine driven- but maintain my flexibility. I still haven’t decided if I want a family or if work will be my focus…I guess that depends on if I find that special someone and in time…which right now- I’m working on a rant for that all on its own (as the one could be here, just the wrong time maybe?). I will have hobbies again-things that I lost through all these depressions and doctors and meds and hospitals. I will re-discover these things about myself. And take a minute each day to breathe because I am here to do so.

Balancing moods- Diagnosis’ aside…I seem to be on the right medications for once that are helping me. I found a doctor in psychiatry that works with me, not against me. And for once, I am tracking, being aware of my behavior. Even starting a mood type chart thing soon. But I am seeking balance and being and active part in it. The overall medical (meaning medicine and diagnosis) part of my treatment seems to finally just be “right”…I think that is helping as well.

And so those are some of the highlights. There is still much work to be done. But at least one phase of therapy seems to be nearing an end- an end to those damned crisis’ that stopped the process in other areas. I get to learn the right models of living that I missed as a child or adolescent. That’s how I got to this rant…today’s discussion. It was a good one. And I was right, today’s session for some reason just seemed like it was going to be different. It was…and for the good, so much good.  Night.

10-27
Alright, another day or so completed. I have two frames of thought. I’ll go with the good one first, boring one second. I was just thinking about passion today. And yesterday. And the day before that. First, I was told about how much passion I had for the kiddo’s that I work with at the Autism conference and time and again before that. And then I got told yesterday by a friend about the passion again. And then I was just thinking back over the course of my life.

Passion is for sure what drives me. Without a doubt. I found this nifty quote as well: If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins. (Benjamin Franklin) I have since found out- the times I get in trouble are the times when reason escapes me! I have always been confounded as to why my parents from time to time have told me to “lighten up” because throughout the times there have been the opposite moments, where I have everyone cracked up. So I was guessing the ‘lighten up’ parts are when reason held on a little to tight, and when they weren’t saying that- passion was running a little to freely.

I think back to my childhood and I was quite…mischievous…and for sure a tomboy. But my cute smile and quick wit got me out of most situations. And I had my passions- whether it was climbing the highest tree than anyone, hitting the most homeruns, getting the most outs, beating up all of the boys or being picked first at recess games, or making all A’s, and being first done- I was always driven. And I was always in the middle, it seems, of arguments- from friends, from enemies, from parents, from siblings. Doesn’t matter what- always seems I am right there with it!!

So with a recent “in the middle” situation, I thought I’d at least take a look at why it always seems that way. So I thought I’d look at passion. At times I think I am so driven that I do become blind to anything outside of whatever it is that is currently driving me. At one point in time it was playing ball. I was quite good. No- I was the best, because I made damn sure that I was. And not only did I have to be the best as far as on the field, but in my knowledge of the game. I don’t know just how to play the game of baseball or softball, but I know the rules and more importantly I know the history. I love the history of the game. It’s always fun to shock older gentlemen when they begin to talk about Mickey Mantle or The Babe and I join in and can have statistics in my head readily available, or mention that I have an autograph picture of Whitey Ford in my dorm room.

My passion for the game though, put me at odds with people who did not care as much. Though I am always a team player, at times, I was at odds with players who were not. Thus, creating “in the middle” situations. That followed me throughout my career. Oh- and coaches who were not in it for the love of the game, but popularity. I hated nothing more than people who played because they were popular or were the coach’s daughter. Don’t even get me started, I’m seeing red as we speak. I think you get the point.

I guess…I can’t stand it when some people don’t give it their all. Like it doesn’t seem to make sense in my head as to why someone wouldn’t care as much as me. And it’s hard for me to adjust to those types of people. Or, I just can’t stand people who don’t put forth the effort or something of the sort. Not sure what I’m getting at I guess.

I don’t think I’ll ever resolve this always “being in the middle of things” because it’s my nature. Just like baseball will forever be in my blood, being passionate will always be. I just normally have reason to counteract the effects enough. Kinda goes with my moods. Swing waaaay up, and waaay down. Like I could be any other way??!! That’d be too simple for me.

But at least now, the passion I have is a passion that does serve good. Very good. Working with my young kids with autism. They are so wonderful and I will continue to work my ass off for them. Recently I had just been angry and irritable…and I think mainly it was because I was at odds with the autism world- not the kids, but those people who were the heads of companies to help them, or researchers and clinicians. Everyone’s focus seemed to have shifted off the kids and onto making money or finding the “cure”. And it was just making me emotional. And I felt that some of the stuff I had no one to talk to about it- everyone I knew was someway involved- whether it be my boss who I can't talk to, or my prof overseeing interns and being a clinician, or just everyone I knew- they were connected in one way or another. So having no outlet to discuss it- I just think it fed my anger until little by little I let it out. I'm not an exploder...more like I just let it seep...and seep out it did. Unfortunately. The explosion I guess, would have been if I had self-injured or something- which is what I began to think about doing. Phew.

But, this conference has renewed my hope that things are again for the kids, just as they should always be. I have a lot of idea’s and I see a good future. And I recognized my role in this world and that there is always a plan B for me. I think my good prof has said to me that there is a ‘plan B’ at least once a week since I’ve known her, and for once, I think I finally am seeing that, and that kind of reasoning. So we shall see. So that is my little comments on passion. There may be more tomorrow.

Second topic- sleep cycle- AGAIN. I, being a dumb-ass…and just unable to resist- kept my self up almost all night Friday night- thus I was extremely hyper the next day!!!! Racing thoughts, full of idea’s, and couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Thus, throwing off the orchestrated new cycle. Saturday night, don’t really remember how much I slept. But sure enough, I couldn’t fall asleep Sunday night without meds, I think I took them late…but any way…slept way in…missed class, finally got up around 1…right before work. Ugh. So I am hoping to put it back into control tonight.

So, I have learned a very important lesson. The sleep-wake cycle is very important. Like extremely important. And if I screw that up- I screw myself over. So I am now fully realizing the new horizon my mind and body has walked into. Where one night of self-indulgence could lead to hell. I can’t tell you how good it felt to be so alive the next day- I remember those days so clearly- where I was quick witted, star of the show- didn’t need sleep, racing thoughts, talking so much and so fast so I could keep up with my mind. It’s a fine line to walk.

But I stepped back, knowing the consequences of crossing that line. Again, “it's just a line I crossed.” Nothing special, just time to step back, look at what is important to me. And get going again.

Well, it’s time for the meds, and preparing for bed. Hope you all had a good weekend…mine was a little out of whack, but really gave me some ‘food for thought.’ Night.

10-26
"Changes"
by 3 Door Down
I'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath the weight of the world

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm running, shaking
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes

10-25
Today is a way better day than any day I've had in several weeks. Except I had about an hour...maybe hour and half of sleep. I went to an autism conference- had a blast. I was SUPER HYPER, couldn't stop talking, and idea's have flowed all day and I am super excited about several idea's, which I've started to work on tonight.

So my bad thought for the night- how much I would like to stay on this path- deprive myself of sleep...and I can get "up" there...makes ya wonder...is the high ever worth the eventual crash? Don't worry, I'm not considering that. I will sleep soon...but thought that was food for thought. Night!

10-25
Deleted, upon further review!

10-23
Another day finished. Another crappy mood. I’m just racking those up this week. My emotions raged all over the place today. Was again, two hours or so late in waking up. But made it to class on time etc. Got some worksheets made for some kids of mine today, went to work to back to back therapy sessions with two kids. Both went extremely well, until the very end of my second kid. My heart hurts for these kids. If I could cry- I would cry because of these children. I know in the depths of my heart that if more resources were available and better quality therapists were available, much headway could be made with these kids. Some kids could be in and out of therapy in just a few years! But no, the kids hinge on the few who can provide anything for them.

And me right now- I want to do therapy every day of the week for all of my kids. But, instead, I can only do each one twice or three times a week. And I hear the parents sigh when I walk in the door, thanking God I’m back to work with their child. Or a parent saying, ‘the only progress he’s making is with you’, or ‘the only real therapy he gets is from you’ or, ‘if it weren’t for you, I don’t know where he’d be.’

What do you say to that? I do all I can do, but I know that no matter how much I do, it will never be enough. I’m only one person, one therapist, and I can’t cure them all. But how my heart is torn up over it. And then I look to the resources that could be provided but aren’t...money that could be available but isn’t…or school systems that could provide a service but choose dollars over a child’s life.

Yeah- you all can probably guess part of my mood is fueled by I guess a sense of helplessness?...but that doesn’t seem right…I guess my mood is fueled by limits…the fact that there is a limit of how much I can do.

But enough about that, I am done working on that tonight. I worked hard on stuff for them tonight, now its just a waiting game- for the pills to kick in. I’m just not feeling so hot. So much crap to do, it never ends. Makes me wonder if I can do it all. And that creates a whole new set of anxieties. Then this sleep issue-which is now poised to take over my life for goodness sakes…and attention problems and my fuckin mood.

“The moon wanted more of my night

I turned off the engine and the headlights

The trees appeared as they'd never been gone

I promised the fields I'd return from now on

And the moon kept on rising

I had no more to say

I put my roadmaps away

And surrendered the day”
Dar Williams, “Calling the Moon”

Some good lyrics that are ringing through my ears and creating at least one good memory. I’ve always loved looking at the mood…the stars.  If it wasn’t 12:30am and if I wasn’t drugged or had to do stuff tomorrow, I’d go find me a spot and stare at the moon and wish.



I feel like I start every year thinking that I’m at a re-start or fresh start. That THIS is the year that will be different, I’ve got it figured out etc. I think I can start over every year. Or that I'm finally out of my "teens" so something good must be happening, or I'm finally 18, something must be different. So every year I think I can start over. And so I do, and it starts out fairly well…and then it starts to crack…break…and finally crumble completely. In the rubble and ash lays shards and pieces of my life that I must pick up again. And the insurmountable task of rebuilding myself yet again. I’ve been torn down and built back up again so many times, I constantly wonder if it’s worth it- to go through all of that.

So now here I am- in the midst of my Junior year of college…broken down…left picking up the pieces yet again. I am for sure building a stronger foundation and approaching it differently than I ever have…but I see suffering for the future. I lost any meaningful friendships I had of peers my age. It’s gone…just as it was in high school. I never had a friendship there, other than a boyfriend. My life then, was of course, enmeshed with children- the babysitting queen of the city…and greatest big sister to her brothers. And nighttimes full of horror…trying desperately to ward off my parents, make it past high school alive, and make everyone happy. Softball became a solace for a few months. Finally, by my junior year I started to make headway in school and then senior year at the beginning was wonderful- boyfriend, A’s…boyfriend’s friends talking to me- queen of the world (of course I felt delusional, never slept and other wonderful symbols of mania). And then a blow up.

And here I am. I was bound and determined to start college fresh. Psychologists and Psychiatrists assured me that the ‘pills’ would help, that it was just an imbalance and I had no big deep dark secrets that needed unearthing. I started college with the brightest smile ever and was on top of the world. I was at the perfect college for me, had the perfect major, and thought the previous year was just a nightmare. I was determined to be on top of the social parts of things. And I was- found an awesome group of people.

Then I became unglued- had rages, irritable sometimes, euphoric others etc. And of course, the ER visit second semester…lying bleeding on your bedroom floor and having your roommate find you isn’t such a hot idea.

Socially- began to fall apart again. Not happy about that. So gave myself the summer to chill out and happened to work with someone who went to Mary Wash. Though, I did have seven different jobs, and worked literally from morning to late evening...and some weekend (most). Anything to stay away from family and get through the summer at "home"...away from my perfect college and real home.

At the beginning of the year- I reconnected with my friends, but slowly- it was just too hard to keep up. I was never called or IMed to do something- always I had to ask or plan the event- that just gets tiresome after a while. Plus I got my new job with the kids and didn’t have as much time. So I hung out a lot with my friend from work and we had something good going.

Course, I fell apart early that year.

Basically…what I’m getting at…is that one by one they have all disappeared. I don’t get asked to do stuff…and at this point- Junior year- everyone has ‘their’ friends. A lot of people know who I am, based on my status in the psychology department and other school events, and they have a good time at these events…They find me funny, full of energy and generally a pretty cool person, but I’m not part of ‘their’ group or whatever. So somehow I’ve got to make it through a year and a half, basically on my own- doing school and work, with a few older friends, though no one my age. I still have that one friend from work that I can call on every once in a while, but not consistently. There’s just me, still trying to figure myself out, trying to save kids with autism one child at a time, and just wanting to graduate college and “start fresh”…that works every time…right? Night.

10-22
I don't think I will ever, ever like the darkness. Nothing good is ever associated with it. Last night, I took my regular nightly dose of medication, which normally puts me asleep, but instead I tossed and turned a lot. Had some trouble getting up, but eventually did. Tonight, I'm waiting for the pills to kick in.

And inevitably...I was in a good mood earlier, and again, as the night wears on my mood gets worse and worse and worse. So now I feel like crap. I can't turn off my thoughts and I'm too tired to fight them. I just feel like I have this unending amount of work to do and I never get it done...I get enough done to get by. I am always playing catch-up and I'm tired of playing catch-up. It gets tiring after a while.

And of course, I'm still trying to figure out a routine- that is going BADLY, let me tell you. And I've fallen behind on a number of things...so much to do and so little time to do it. My mind is organized during the day, but turns to mush by the time night rolls around when I have time to do crap. What a mess my life is turning into.

And I'm getting annoyed by everyone. Even a favorite prof is on my annoying list. The only people who aren't annoying me it seems are the kids I work with! And of course, my little bro's. So I'm pretty much sitting here, pissed at the world, annoyed and letting dark thoughts cloud over me. What a party, wahoo. Somebody shoot me now please. This is ridiculous. I guess I thought I could just snap my fingers and change my world...but this is going to take time- a lot of time. I don't know how well I'm dealing with that. I'm not the most patient person in this world. My mood isn't on the depressed side of things...its hard to explain- I generally have energy, but I'm agitated, annoyed, pissed and easily angered or rather quick to jump to a defense or something. Or I get testy when someone asks an innocent question but I take it the other way.

So I am probably not the most pleasant person to be around. I am sorta isolating myself as well...then again, I only had a friend or two who I occasionally hung out with anyway. So who am I kidding? There's me, my trusty lap top, my internet connection, my job, my school and a few scattered people whom I talk to. What a fucking life.

And school, I don't even know about anymore...guess I'm feeling disillusioned lately. And very, very worried. But, I should stop those thoughts or my thoughts may turn darker and I will have a hell night. So I should stop now. Night.

10-21
I just feel like crawling into a hole and rock back and forth in the fetal position. For no good reason, other than that is what I feel like doing. I want to be left alone and just not do a damned thing or have any thoughts at all. The night has raged on and so have my thoughts...and inability to do anything. I hope I wake on time tomorrow morning because I am going to have a limited amount of time to do everything! Every minute will count. Gotta jump up, grab breakfast, get to work on some summaries of research articles, get to work on a news article, do therapy with a kiddo, get to a class, have stuff ready for a research meeting and the mass amounts of emails and scheduling I have got to do.

I really know that I need to get on the proper sleep-wake cycle...but I really resent it at the same time. As it stands right now, I have to wake up and go to bed at the same time every night, otherwise I am screwed and sleep has wreaked havoc on my life recently...but after I finally establish the proper sleep strategy, I have to stick with it or risk getting unbalanced. But I remember my all-nighter nights- the nights where I could stay up for days and not worry about sleep, and I could accomplish so much...it saved my ass on a number of occasions. And now I have to mourn those. In bed at 12, up at 8, with perhaps hour variations, in bed at 1, up at 9. That is my life. Or close to it. Which means I HAVE to get everything done that I need to get done...or I risk upsetting my internal balance that I have strove so hard to maintain and get. I still don't have it yet- we'll see how this week goes!

Just thoughts running through my head. I'm not in a good mood and just pissed at pretty much everything. Which I guess is part of the reason I want to crawl into a hole and get away from everyone. I am not a pleasant person to be around when I am crabby. Those are the times where I only do professional emails to people (meaning work related)...no personal ones, so I don't sound snappy. An away message went up, apologizing for not responding to anyone and not picking up the phone. I don't want my mouth to upset anything. And right now, sometimes I tend to speak before I think. So I'm just saving myself early.

So now, I'm just waiting for the pills to kick in. I'm done even trying to work. Roomie is asleep now, before midnight! (yeah I post-dated this rant, thinking I wouldn't finish until after midnight). So the room is dark, guess I can't read!! (well actually she can sleep with a lamp I have clipped to the bed- I'm on the bottom bunk, thus not much light filters up, but still, I can pretend!). I just want sleep to come, my headache to go away, get cozy under covers, teddy bear in arm and wait for the morning to come...hopefully with a fresh perspective and a bright smile. I'm going to need it. Night.

10-20
I started the day in a wonderful mood. I got up about two hours later than I wanted, but still made it to class on time…and I got out a bunch of emails I had been meaning to send, but hadn’t. Class was great, I enjoyed it immensely. Then I had about an hour and a half to kill before I worked with a kiddo. So I put out more emails, got some materials together, dropped off some prescriptions and headed on my way, stopping to grab a sandwich. I worked with a kid I hadn’t seen for a month- well I had seen her at IEP meetings but we hadn’t done direct therapy in a month. It was good to see her again and we had a wonderful session. I and the family worked extremely hard on getting her therapy during the school day and it was so nice to see it working out so well. Then I zipped back to the school to pick up the prescriptions and went off to do therapy with another kiddo. I think I was already feeling unrest when I got to him. Then I found him in a non- therapy mood pretty much. I hate that, I feel so bad for him. I rarely catch my kiddo’s in a bad mood, and sometimes I forget they can have bad therapy days too- just like me! I had one last week, he had his this week. They are so little and fragile, in hindsight, I wish I had gone a little easier on him today. He’s my buddy. But he did well, considering he wasn’t in the mood, which I don’t blame him.

But, I of course, left and just felt like all my energy was sucked out of me. Back to back sessions…and I was all hyped up tonight- I had all these plans in my head to do!! I have noticed one thing about one of my medications. The Concerta, for my attention stuff…I’m not allowed to take it after 11:00am, so if I get up later than that I have to skip it. And I have noticed…on days I’ve skipped it- I just feel out of it, unable to focus my attention, tasks seem insurmountable, etc. My attention gets distracted and is everywhere. But on days I take it on time, I am on the right track- I am focused, able to concentrate regardless of distractions etc. But I have noticed, when nighttime hits around five or six o’clock it poops out and I’m back to feeling all over the place…this plays havoc on homework and paperwork for my job. I know my psychiatrist doesn’t want to go on one of those fast acting, shorter stimulants, but I can’t get to my homework earlier than 7 or 8 o’clock, like most college students. I’m just so very distracted and then I miss the feelings I had when I was on top of everything- that’s me! I hate the way my brain feels scrambled. And I know this is the case, with the Seroquel messing up and making me sleep late, I have had numerous times to encounter me without Concerta and with it.

So now here I am, 9:15, with much to do, trying to organize it in a way to do…get the drive to do it and do it well. I was so excited earlier about many things. I hate this. And so I am in a very down mood…even crabby and irritable. I turned off my cell phone, away message is up, telling people to leave a message, I may or may not answer and if the dorm phone rings, told my roomie I was not here. I’m listening to good music however, downloading some stuff, writing here…and working on a few things, trying to get the drive to do other things. I’m trying, I really am. Ugh.

10-19

 ”Yet people with manic-depressive illness are often highly intelligent, extraordinarily gifted, glowingly talented - people whose brilliance makes the

world a better place while they themselves are struggling every day to cope, to function, to stay alive.”

That is a quote someone pointed out to me on a message board I belong to. It’s a place where I have gotten so much support, a strong support group, even if I don’t get to meet them face to face. So I thought I would think about it, because I am the thinking type…imagine that!

I have several arguments that constantly play through my mind. One argument goes like this: Here I am, at an awesome university, I have an awesome job, a bright future, a car, money…a life sort of. I am an accomplished ball player (well in the past, before injuries!), certified sailor,

and can generally play any sport presented. I maintain a website that became a labor of love and by all accounts is fairly successful and has helped some people in some small way. I am loved by a few people, my little brothers put me on a pedestal and I love them endlessly. I get along

with any child I come into contact with. I don’t drink or do drugs or party.

And so part of me feels like- wow, I did all this while struggling for life. I mean on two serious occasions I was completely ready to die. I had five hospitalizations by the time I was twenty. I now take nine pills a day to keep the hospital away, and weekly therapy and psychiatry visits to make sure I stay alive. And so I thank my lucky starts that I accomplished so much, while struggling to even hang on to life- with people knowing this. Some people look at what I do and are amazed- and this is with them thinking I live a ‘normal’ life!

But then part of me thinks that of course I should be where I am. Here in my Junior year of college, graduating on time, a bright, bright future in the field of autism and being my merry self. There are tons of people who have had a rougher time out there than me and they have succeeded in life and “made it”. So of course I should do all this shit.

Of course I counter with the fact that I know for a fact the number of people who would have turned their back on this and maybe dropped out for a semester here and there, dropped their drop or cut back on hours etc. But I didn’t- I stayed in school, upped the hours of work and added more to my plate lol. Which wasn’t the smartest thing- but I’m doing alright.

And so I think about what got me here. I really thought about what education meant to me. And decided that significantly helped to keep me alive. Back when I was faced with hospitalization- full inpatient…I knew what that would have cost me- a semester off- which meant I would not graduate on time and a class I was making an A in would have gone down the drain. And a semester off…would have symbolized failure to me. It would have symbolized that my illness, whatever name you want to call it, was winning. That anyone who ever hurt me was winning. I would have failed. Same with quitting my job-besides the impact it would have on the kids, the impact it would have had on me would have been large. So like I said- inpatient would have killed me for sure.I think about a book I read a few weeks back, “His Bright Light,” by Danielle Steel. A non-fiction story of her son who died by suicide, losing his fight with manic-depression. He was one of those bright young stars who touched everyone he was around. In reading the book, it seemed his breaking point was when he realized that he couldn’t rise to the challenge of touring, which is a substantial thing for musicians. I drew a parallel to that with my education. I needed to rise to the challenge. If I failed to maintain my course…that would have been to much failure for me.I think that was a deciding factor, as well as what I discussed in my four pager!



Inside how do I really feel? I think I am proud of what I have accomplished up to this point…knowing what I have struggled against to make it here. Especially when I’m in a session with a child. When I’m “on”…I am really on and my talent flows through. I read over a recent one year report on one of the kids I have worked with for a year and got to see how far she has progressed. And I was in awe…knowing I had played a part in that. Same with the other children I work with. Of course that is a double- edged sword…I think about all the kids I wish I could help, but can’t…that drives me nuts, but I’ve learned to control that.

Honestly, every day is a battle for me. I am still working out my medication, still trying to figure sleeping out. Either I sleep too little, or at the wrong times, or take my pills to later, too early. Ugh- such a mess. Then there is all the work that I have to do, which is a lot. I think I would be more equipped to handle it if I didn’t have certain other distracters, but this is the hand that was dealt to me. I know in my heart that God wouldn’t give me more than I can handle. And though my site is not overly religious, I do have faith, and I know my faith has grown through this ordeal. I am starting to believe that the trials, tribulations and suffering do draw one closer to Him…as was done with me.

I am learning to relax in my own way. I am not freaking out that I haven’t gotten everything done. I am not freaking out because I slept through and missed class- I couldn’t wake up- it was really out of my hands. I go above and beyond in my job as it is, so no worries there. I have solid B/A’s in both classes I have and I have done so much work on my research team, that I have absolutely no worries there. As far as being a psych rep for the department. I was elected to it, I guess I could be asked to step down- and you know what- I wouldn’t be worried about that, one less thing I would have to worry about.

I am still working on the structure thing- It is so hard…especially if I can’t pin down sleep!!! But it will be a work in progress for now. Eating…becoming easier and easier…while still on the twice a meal thing though, since often I am still sleeping past breakfast. Exercising… I haven’t had the energy for- being sick and the meds and all of that stuff. But I have a few idea’s roaming in my head for doing that. So we’ll see if I can get that worked out in the next couple weeks.

And so that leaves all the other curd that I put to the curbside…while I got out of crisis and into stability. I guess it is time to face them again as I am relatively stable and everything else is now into work in progress mode. I don’t want to talk about them I guess, honestly. The pain is still there, just got side-tracked why I fought for my life. And now that battle is won, its time to face what put me there in the first place. There is just this huge “blob” of stuff just waiting for me to go through, sort out, deal with and move on. And then, there is me, waiting to cry just for a little while. I may not need to cry all in all, but now it seems to be a mission I’m on. Though, I wonder- if I stopped wanting that so badly, would it come? What would it take for me to break down

finally and cry? I’m trying to think of all the times I’ve cried. Several times in arguments with my mother, I of course cried…but the very last time

I’ve cried was senior year of high school when I declared to Christy that I wanted to die. And then the well dried up- even that very day. I was in her office in the morning broken down…I spent basically the day in her office as we called around for therapist, called the hospital, called my parents etc. Later that day, another counselor was around and I was joking with him etc. As fate would have it, he was the psychiatric nurse on the ward I was on for a second job. Needless to say he was shocked to see me, considering I was the wise-cracking student of the day. But behind close doors for about a half hour, I was probably the most vulnerable I’ve ever been in my life. The tears poured down, I had but a sliver of hope left. But I clung to it and thus here I am today.

I thought I would have cried two weeks or so ago when I had my intense therapy session of life and death, the first one of two. But I was turned off- I think because I was even further along in my suicide planning than three years ago. So somehow my walls stayed in tact enough to keep me from crying. So here I am…feeling like crying…but not. I can’t get over that wall. There are a few walls yet remaining. I don’t know what it will take to get over them, to break through them. I just don’t know how. But I need to get through, guess it will take time, some patience (strike that- a LOT of patience, knowing me)…some digging deep, less resistance, less fighting...letting go?

Who knows…guess I’ll find out. It’s going to be a wild ride, as always! But let’s just hope a

contained one, it’s more fun being in control somewhat (and easier!). Here goes!

10-16 (again lol)

I have my “calm” soundtrack- Dar Williams, Sarah Mclaughlin, Aimee Mann, Jann Arden, with a little Evanescence and Linkin Park thrown in. Now I am trying to find a place. You know, that place…where you can just go to. I have had them all over the world. I remember in Italy, I had two places. One on base- over by the creeks…and then off base, on the rocks staring at the crashing ocean. West V.- in the ravine past my house or alone in the pool at our house. Richmond- a play ground if no children were around- but even then- not enough solace…in Virginia I have yet to find my place…well I know of some- but they are for the most part inaccessible. They are on the Chesapeake and everywhere…I’ve gotten in my little boat, grabbed a fishing rod and fished for the day in the middle of no where or better yet…grab a sail boat and fly free in the open bay. Or on the ocean this past August…past where everyone else swims,

past where the waves will break...just me and the water and the sky, floating and at one. Free. Alone. At peace.

So I’ve decided- I want my place here in my city. I think this Saturday, if I get a moment it’s time to go exploring- from the River that flows around, to the parks. I need my alone place, to listen to my life’s soundtrack, to find my peace…to find where I can relax. I think I’m bumping that up on the importance list.

10-16

I was sad tonight. But not in a bad way. And I think I was sort of calm. I was evaluating a few statements. In since its already getting late, I’ll get right into it:

”And when I chose to live

There was no joy - it's just a line I crossed

It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost

So I was not lost or found”

I made such a choice not so long ago. I almost laughed when I reread over these lines. I had therapy today and one of the examples I remember talking about was a line I crossed. When I was down in the super dark depression…I had crossed over this “line,” and when I suddenly felt super de duper better, I had crossed back over that line into goodness. There is just this line. I either choose to be on one side or the other. Kind of a simple concept if you think about it. Hence the no joy point. And of course, being on the death side of the line- not worth the cost as I reiterated in my previous four page rants. And at this point in time, despite the decision to live being made- I am not lost…and I’m still not found.

“'Cause when you live in a world

Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be

And now I laugh at how the world changed me

I think life chose me after all”

I smirked at this too. I do laugh at how the world has changed me, no doubt about that. I laugh at life’s sense of humor. And sometimes I joke that I think life chooses me rather me choosing it. By the events and the way they unfold, its almost like you have to believe that! It’s just funny. At least in my quirky little mind. I find humor in all of that.

By the way, both sets of statements are part of lyrics of Dar Williams from her song “After all”…her lyrics can be found by clicking here: Lyrics. While browsing more of her lyrics I came across a really good song called, “What Do You Hear in These Sounds” and learned it was her so-called ode to therapy. Now that song has humor, yet sensitivity in it. Something I would think about writing! The opening line says it all, “I don’t go to therapy to find out if  I’m a freak” It doesn’t get much better than that. But throughout the whole song…it just touched me. Y’all should check it out.And those of you who thought I was done with long rants- the nights just beginning (evil grin inserted here). While my mind may have been scattered earlier…I am crystal right now…well sorta…getting there…just kidding.
 

I keep returning to the thought of when I lost my hope. This is what happened. I gave up. I said, I don’t want to fight anymore. I looked at the dark- turned it over in my head, stared at it some more…experimented with it…and finally decided- I want it. I want to immerse myself here in this darkness, I want to die, I want to forget everything I’ve learned, I want to lie to myself and those around me. I want out- I give up, no more hope for me. I said the past was too painful, I said my future was not bright enough, I became the helpless victim, I became everything I never wanted to be. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. I let myself slide so far and wanted to just slide until the moment when I could end it all. I gave up, I gave in, I had no more hope.


But, in life’s funny little ways…there were people who cared more for me than I cared for myself. From a stubborn brilliant therapist to a caring spirited prof to a boss who’d been where I had been and a family I formed not of blood but of love…I was pulled back, or rather they hung onto me I guess. That would be a better way of putting it. They hung on to me while I fought with my head. And what a fight raged. I still don’t think it is over.

Although I have swung to the other side and despite my pluckiness, I still have a ways to go. I am having the worst time getting my life organized. And my thoughts are still raging all over the place. From wanting to put my fist through a window, to wanting to buy more blades, to wanting to take a road trip to wanting to blow all my money on something cool, to feeling like I’m God’s gift to the world. I have a lot to contend with. Right now, I have enough resolve to keep everything in check, but it is a battle every single day I wake up.

I crossed a line, I decided a course, a path…a way of life. I will continue that path and work hard at it. Lord knows I don’t like to quit. I want to see what will happen if I get the proper supports in place and then tackle my “shit.” Obviously the whole darkness thing wasn’t working out so hot. Too many damn people to care about me (which of course, I thank them for!). And too much good to do in this world. The children I work with- mean way to much to me and someone has got to give them a voice…I am working hard making a difference, one child at a time.

So here I am…in all my pluckiness…reaching, working, being a smart ass, organizing…and most importantly…living. Looks like my writers block is over. Though I had one other thought…but will save it for tomorrow’s rant. Can’t give you all too much of a good thing. Talk to

everyone soon- I know I’ve been away from the boards and guestbook for a while now- but will return shortly. Take care, night.

10-15
And Fall Break has concluded. My brother has turned nine years old. My parents don’t hate me and I’m doing alright. Not so bad for a weekend. First, I have to say- I know my parents so well and have played them absolutely perfectly. I had to tell them what meds I was on and why I was on them. But I had to do it in such a way, that they would: a) understand; b) not think that I pushed for the dx; c) not get upset and start a fight. I managed to win on all fronts. I will post more in detail later. Too tired tonight I think. But my parents are open to all things bipolar. Although I won’t see a dime from them financially to help pay for all of my medical expenses, at least they are not fighting with me. Which leads me to the next thing. Sat down and really did my finances and ‘damn’ I’m good! I did increase my workload a little bit after reworking a few things, but the extra bucks are going to help me big time while I have the doc/therapist/meds to pay for (as well as everything else, but tuition). Somehow I am not sunk, despite a small spending spree while I was a little on the out of control side of things.

Only real bad thing that happened was my sleeping issues. I swear one of these days I will get that under control. I just cannot get a restful sleep. No matter how many hours I sleep, I spend the whole day feeling unrestful. It really stinks. This weekend was weird because I would take two Seroquel around midnight, but not sleep till 2 or 3. And have to get up around 9 or 10. And if my brothers tried to wake me before then, I was a zombie, confused and disoriented. So that had me a little concerned. But I just chalked it up to being out-of-sync with my regular schedule, which will begin this week now- finally! Daily plan is made and will be followed through on. My day is tight but manageable.

It is kind of sucking that I literally plan out my entire day- everything- has to be planned. Or I forget something and things fall apart. I figure for now- this is just fine. I’ll add spontaneous stuff later. I need to get stabilized. My moods are still ALL OVER THE PLACE. Sometimes I’m up, sometimes down. And- my concentration was OUT THE WINDOW. Could not concentrate on a damn thing. So that really stunk. But tonight, I went over to a friends house, we watched the Sox lose to the Yanks (grrr) and then popped in two movies. While we watched the movies I did work on my laptop and managed to get done a ton of work. I think I just liked the company, the movie and was at ease and able to calm myself down. I think I got myself super worked up. Tomorrow will be another long day- and at the end of it my friend and I are getting pizza and doing about the same thing- see if it helps with work stuff again! It was great! Put me in a great mood, hence getting the drive and energy to post here.

I have so much more to say, but I am tired of typing tonight. More to come later. Hope everyone is doing well, talk to you later!!

10-10

Okay, well I am trying my best to navigate through everything this week. From right meds, right doses and times to take them. I finally settled one debate.
It’s about sleep. Two things. First…if I do not take any Seroquel, I do not sleep. Second, if I only take one Seroquel, then it takes an hour, to two hours to fall asleep.

I learned my lesson last night. I got home around 1:00am after a very long day..decided to just take one Seroquel, for I had to get up around 8 the next day. Well, I could not fall asleep until after 3:30am. Thus, when it came time to get up for my meeting I was a half hour late at 9:30, don’t remember much. Then proceeded to go back to my dorm at 10:30, got in bed, and stayed unconscious pretty much until 3:15.

Conclusion: Take two Seroquel, monitor my sleep carefully, and learn to sleep “right.” Meaning timing it all right. No other way around it. Two Seroquel can knock me out in about a half hour, sometimes more, sometimes less…but the draw back is I have to get at least seven hours of uninterrupted sleep. Ugh- this whole organizing my life thing is such a hassle.

Damn- I’m falling asleep…more to come later.

10-9

Phew, whose ready for another big rant? There are some thoughts in my head. But I did take my Seroquel, so sleep will set in before I write too much. I have been thinking a lot about control, my up’s, my down’s, what I have to do and depression. Yeah, no heavy thoughts here- NOT. And it’s been a long day- taught two classes (I swear, my psych prof is the only one that has a T.A. lol- me!), took an exam and managed to see all four of my kids (equivalent to about 9 hours of working) and met for two hours with a friend. I made it to my dorm about one am…with about six inches of paperwork, an overdue article to write, and a few other stuff due. I think I had twenty emails I need to read and respond to as well. Lucky me. I tested myself tonight. Honestly, I have this article that needs to be written for a newsletter. It is already overdue, but my exams came first. I also had to read this report on one of my kids and write another report for another kiddo. I also had to write some emails out to various individuals dealing with work.

I would say normally, generally…I would have gone for writing the article, at least some and probably doing a few stuff for the kids. I would have cut out the sleep part of things. However…my body is still recovering from my 45 hour journey with no sleep and I had a long day. So I took my Depakote…then looked for my Seroquel. To make matters more testy, I couldn’t find it at first…almost like a test- do I want it enough to look for it. The answer was yes and I found it under my bed. And so I will be sleeping tonight, for about seven or so hours, before I begin another marathon day. I am caught up with school work, so now I must get caught up on my children that I work with and being a psych rep for the department.

If I allowed myself…I should be freaking out right now. Really, I should. I have a ton of stuff due…I see my parents in one day, where they will see how much weight I’ve lost, which will worry them, and they will know the meds I take and that things are a little more serious than they thought. And that this wasn’t just going to go away anytime soon. And I have a ton of stuff scheduled for next week as well. Things are tight for the next two weeks, as I restructure my entire life pretty much.

But, I am testing new strategies. Instead of reaching for a soda, I reached for a Seroquel. And took my health into consideration. And made the decision that it was far more important for me to sleep tonight (course now its 2am lol), than to sit down and write out that stuff. Life will not end if I don’t do those things tonight. I will have time during the day tomorrow to accomplish them. I am sleeping tonight for me, because I know I need it. It has been a super long day!

And I’m just exhausted. So I am taking mighty deep breath’s and have learned that counting is a good way for me to calm. I just start counting and focus on that. I know it’s cheesy and sad…but when I’m in these moods I can get impatient and irrational…especially when driving. So in traffic, you can see me in a car “1,2,3,4…” and just focus on that. Keeps me from going psycho lol.

My Daily Plan has helped to. Every night I sit down and enumerate my schedule with times and what I’m doing, from getting up in the morning and ending with the last activity of the day. I bold them out as I accomplish it. It forever stays open on my laptop so I can refer to it (laptop is always with me) and has kept me straight. Feels good knowing what I have accomplished and what I need to accomplish still etc.

I’m sure sleeping and eating has helped out as well. And seeing my kids again and doing regular therapy with them, instead of having to train all the new therapist and doing admin paper work, has immensely helped. I love the part of my job where I just do the therapy with them! And it feels good to be in that groove again.

So what is hard about all of this? Not freaking out. Staying level. My brain is shouting at me for sure to lose it. And I’ve come close. Especially earlier today. Starting around noon or so, just got in the crabby mood. So I took measures to help myself. I ate food, took my meds, and kept conversations with people short, so I wouldn’t get worked up. I knew snapping wouldn’t help anything. And I breathed and counted etc. And just kept going, trying to get things under control. Eventually it was just spending a bit of time with a good friend snapped me into a good mood and working with a kiddo. Course driving home I was feeling overwhelmed again. But I’m okay right now.

I don’t think words will ever do justice to convey to you all how hard it is for me to make you understand what its like trying to control my thoughts and emotion. They fly so far to the extreme’s. And what really gets me is this:

My thoughts are still racing…quite fast. It is hard, if not impossible, right now to get them to slow. Well…my body and actions cannot keep up with the thoughts. So there is that lag time…from when I think things should be done and when they are. So I get irritable and upset and mad…and that just feeds into everything. That made me think of the only two things I do have patience with pretty much ever, softball/baseball and children. I said to someone tonight that God gave me two natural gifts- that of playing softball/baseball and working with the kids. I trained my body to respond on the ball field by instinct only. I did not think while playing ball. I relied solely on instinct. I would even run experiments on myself…I would try to think about making a play etc. and all that…always ended up badly, but when I just did what was natural, it was all good and I was very, very good. Hence, since I didn’t have to think for that- never had the little lag time problems or racing thoughts vs. action problem. Same with when I work with kids. I am normally actually quite anxious or nervous directly before or after doing therapy with a child. Thoughts going, no action etc. But then for the next two hours that I do the one-on-one therapy…I rely again on instincts…the child and I are in our little world making things work. It is completely and utterly natural to me. Hence, I don’t have the racing thoughts vs. action problem there as well. So patience isn’t a problem. Plus, they are so darn cute!

So anyway…just one aspect of what I was thinking about.

I thought a lot on the control thing. How hard it is to get it. You know I spent most of my life believing that I had the control over my life, that I didn’t let other people interfere with what I thought, that I was a fortress not to be entered. Which, I guess I was isolated…but not in control of myself…just tried to control my surroundings. Lots of impulse control, no internal self control (ugh, now that is hard to admit!). And I could never begin to make someone understand how hard it is to go up against myself, my habits, my beliefs, everything and make my life work. Fighting something that is internal is about a thousand, no a million times harder to do than fighting an external force. I can't explain it. This fight has nothing to do with my physical strength, my intelligence, etc. It's this mental thing, this emotional thing...I can't explain it. But I have a category five hurricane whipping about in my mind, I guess is one way to explain it!

I think about the depression I just came out of too. Probably the second time in my life where I had just given in to the dark, just let it consume me…because I wanted to know what that was like, because I wanted a sense of peace and I was so tired of fighting. I wondered when I got a rest. I wondered if there would ever come a time when I would be “well.” I decided that the answer was a big fat no and I was sick and tired of depression and all that shit and always living in crisis mode. And I was tired of fighting, so I decided to take a look at what the other side had to offer. It’s not a pretty site let me tell you that, but it gave me the illusion of peace and a release and a way to stop fighting and running. I couldn’t resist and fell prey. Luckily enough, I had other people in my life to shake me loose.

And so now I’m back to my senses…I think…sometimes I am not even sure, you know! I wonder if this is just another freakin’ illusion etc. I can stop most of those thoughts…but that doubt is firmly planted. I feel it constantly.

And now, these days, I have to structure my life so particularly…why that may be easy to the average joe, it’s like Mount Everest to me. Because I know that deep down, one screw up here, one let down here and I could swing way back down again. And of course then I wonder if I’m making the right decisions.

Ugh…I would say that I am altering and restructuring almost my entire way of life. I really and truly am. And that takes some heavy duty work. I think obviously I’m capable and perhaps ready to do so. But I still have these nagging thoughts and feelings that I guess I just need to get out and deal with. And so I am…with some nice three and four page rants. Once I start, I can’t stop!

Can’t help it. I’ve realized this about sleep medication: No seroquel and I can’t sleep. One Seroquel and it takes an hour + to fall asleep…and finally; Two seroquel and I’m out at a half hour. Draw backs to each: Well…no sleep- very obvious. One Seroquel- takes longer to fall asleep, but don’t wake up as groggy, don’t need to be asleep for as long. Two Seroquel, sleep fine, sleep fast, but has strong possibility to make me groggy when I wake up earlier than eight hours of sleep. Sleeping has become such a decision these nights! It’s funny…almost easier when I just stayed up all the time! But I think I make my body happier this way, and it gives my days a definite end and definite beginning. It used to just be endless days and nights, and just a vicious cycle…one thing fixed- wahoo!

Alright, I’m out of deep coherent thoughts. I have stuff swirling around…but just can’t get a hold of them enough to make some sense. I’m sure I will have lots to say over the next coming days. And I have mounting work…I will spend this fall break spending all day with my brothers, then in my room working! A working spring break for me, but at least I’ll be caught up. I just want to get to the point where I’m not behind…I think that is what is really bugging me right now. I missed so much and now it’s catch up time. Once I get there and on a completely normal schedule (well, normal) for me, I think I will be more relaxed (hmm, what is that?). Guess we shall see. Anyway, that’s it for the night…night all.

10-8- LONG RANT- be prepared.

Okay, this will probably be a long rant. I have most definitely figured out that lack of sleep has a pretty direct correlation with how I will function in the art of studying later that night. 40 + hours of no sleep = no concentration...I think I am finally getting the hang of that equation. Pulling two all nighters in a row is not all that possible…gotta be a little gap time. But I have a solid B+/A in the class, so I am not too concerned about my grade there. I had to ponder the thoughts swirling in my head first.

I went through a little timeline I made of events since the summer before my senior of high school, a little over three years ago. It was interesting. I don’t think I understand any particular pattern yet, or causes and I’m not a hundred percent on the “how” question. I know that many of them were fueled by my successes- i.e. win one award, grew more confident, won more, confident went way up and would snow-ball on up! This worked for me both academically and socially at a few points. However, for whatever reason, my “high’s” or “up” periods wouldn’t stop, there was no ceasing them- other than going way down to the same intensity. While reading over events, I couldn’t get rid of the sense of being “out of control.” If I had to paint a picture of myself, especially during some times- it would be out of control or teetering on the edge. It was a little scary in some parts. This happened time and again, I guess the most clear pattern I saw. And my good times lasted longer with the more good stuff happening. For certain, a lot of my depressive episodes were triggered by stress and events surrounding the times, and for sure, once bad events started snow-balling, I would swing to the other side, except stopping at a nice mild or medium depression is not for me- had to go to severe, same intensity as the high etc.

Anyway, just rambling, and thinking. The control thing is there for sure as well. No real correlation with anti-depressants…I’d say they were pretty un-useful thus far, other than maybe getting me to a less severe depression, or giving me the peace of mind that it was doing that. I normally was okay right after a hospital visit for a while.

Well- more analysis of good times to come later. I still need to think through it, and how it pertains to now. I had a few more thoughts, just roaming about my mind.

I was thinking about the therapy I’ve been in for a while. What’s worked, what hasn’t worked, what I’ve done, what I haven’t done. For sure I guess the first real counseling I ever got was from my guidance counselor in high school, though it has evolved into friendship since my graduation of high school. I generally credit her with saving my life…in about a hundred different ways. She planted the seeds of doubt that I was not “fine” and pretty much gave me a spark of hope to keep going, when I thought there was no more reason to continue. I guess hope was the greatest gift she gave to me (besides a second chance)- that and she listened and cared. She belongs to the very exclusive class of people who have seen me cry- and I mean, full, unhindered crying, when I walked into her office and declared, “I just want to die.” Or something to that effect- I think it got my point across lol.

So she gave me hope to give a good fight and to keep it up and onto “professional” counseling I went after hospital. Nothing personal against the therapist I saw for a few months, but that woman just didn’t really have “insight” or the mental balls, I guess, to go head to head with a patient who denied anything was wrong. I mean, what do you do with a patient who is unaware still, that shit happened! And I was still using my father and my brother to some extent as a scape-goat, an easy out…and a way to get the “okay” to head on to college on my own.

After that I just through the college to get counseling. They are very big into the whole cognitive behavioral therapy. Though, when I first sought their resources, I was cutting and they subtley told me that I needed off campus counseling and they were not capable of helping me. I half assed followed up on that, but didn’t get some call-backs and others didn’t have openings.

But…I still had hope I think. I hadn’t fallen completely off the wagon. But anyway, I continued on my merry way, until I felt myself “slipping” again and decided to try “on campus” again. But again, therapist was insightful to a point, she knew her CBT, but just didn’t hit the nail on the head. Just didn’t quite “get it.” And I’m sure she listened etc…but I think part of me never trusted enough- I knew I only had a certain amount of sessions with campus and that was it. Course I ended the year with E.R. visit after lying bleeding on a dorm floor, half passed out, roomie finding me. Then hospital visit. I got a few extra visits out of the school for that, what a mess. But, still, I backed away from off campus counseling. And I thought a new anti-d would help etc.

And then I had some long conversations with Christy, guidance-counselor turned friend, over that summer. She renewed some of that hope she instilled earlier. And gave me things to think about.

I think for the first time, I realized that things were really wrong with me, as far as my beliefs and what to do about them. Christy never out-right mentioned abuse (that I recall) etc. but I remember her recommending I find a good counselor fast and get some intensive (two sessions a week if possible) therapy. When I mentioned things I were turning over in my head, all I needed to see was the look in her eye…and thus I knew what my decision was.

Beginning of the school year my search begins for a counselor…at first under the guise of needing some maintenance therapy, so self injuring wouldn’t return or depression, but I think at the same time I was searching for an answer…an answer to what one counselor at the hospital saw when I was 17 and an answer to what I saw in Christy’s eyes that day.

At this point, I did still have hope, but in many ways I saw it waning. Definitely the medication side of everything was waning, and I had yet to venture fully into “talk” therapy, so I still had some hope for that. But, hope was still there.

And then: 

All hell broke lose. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, but actually a good way. I showed up at a new therapist’s door with my “bright” smile, ready laugh, and smart ass ways. Luckily…she was a smart ass too. And sharp, insightful, stubborn, brilliant, (a billion other good words) and hell, was friends with my favorite professor, so she couldn’t be that bad. And she listened, and she cared, and somehow, she got past some of those walls of mine. Still trying to figure that one out!

But, back to the point- I found someone who could show me the “real” portrait of myself. Someone to take all of my irrational bull shit and make me face the reality, however harsh it may be. Now of course, given my history, patterns, and the general way my mind works- I spiraled quickly into quite a dark depression. Thus, for once, I made the choice to go to the hospital. Though with support from counselors, psychiatrist and a prof. And so I went- with slim hope, very slim.

I spoke to Christy while I was there. We decided one thing was for sure: yes I was putting band aids on everything and it was time to face the music…no matter what. So I sat alone in my room one night and just thought. At that point, I had lost much hope, one of the closest times to losing it all, besides when I was 17. But then, I made the conscious decision that I would fight…I was curious to see what else my mind had so badly twisted and if this really would be the end to my “shit.”

Well…more hell broke lose and continued, as I rocked the boat: From my families cohesiveness, to their beliefs, my own beliefs, our relationships and where I stood in this world. But, I was spiraling out of control. I go back and look at my rants. So much more self injury, so much more over-dosing, testing the limits and other unhealthy habits. I couldn’t deal with what I was talking about, so I turned to all forms of abuse to myself and turned to work as a release, a way to escape. And as I rocked the boat more and more, I wasn’t left with many people to turn to, no support system…as a person who is actively suicidal more than once…well they tend to not have that many friends any more.

But I had made the decision to live while sitting in the hospital that one night. And I was going to keep that for a while. So, I began the boundary setting with family and a few other things. But, alternatively, I kept up bad habits, some of which I don’t think I was overly ever honest about. And so digging I went, into “me”, into the past, into the “shit.” Somehow my counselor stayed with me, cracked and broke down a good many of my defenses and got to the heart of my secrets. And I thought this was going to be great, this was it, and the secrets are out, finally out. Someone believes me and it is out.

A few details slipped my notice however. First, over the past year, I had much of my hope diminished, as I let darker and darker thoughts take over…it was easier to do that, than to face up to them. I was getting tired of fighting. Felt like it’s been three years…and here I am still in therapy. I had this like super long road ahead of me, so it seemed, and I thought I had traveled so far already, but really it was just beginning. And so I reasoned- I didn’t want to travel it anymore. And just like that- my hope was extinguished…it was gone. And being my nature- I spiraled into an out of control depression. I didn’t get better in the hospital, in day treatment, this time because I didn’t want to. I had no will to live. I didn’t care if my body wasted away, I didn’t care if I scarred up my arms, I didn’t care what I looked like or what I did. My flicker of life, my little hope voice left and was finally overcome after so long with fighting. I felt like I had won some battles, but ultimately lost the war.

Hope was gone.

I had made the decision and began the preparations. 99.9% of my mind and body was ready. Peace and release were near. I fully believed I was ready, finally ready.

Hope was gone…the will to live was gone.

And then, I walked wearily to my most brilliant counselors office, a shadow of my smile and a firm decision in mind…but instead of our usual give and take beginnings, I was greeted by “the” question…and the tears, so very real. Was I going to kill myself? In my head, I screamed yes. In my head I knew I was…in my head I was shocked that I had moved someone to tears. I replied for the safe answer of “I don’t know.” Okay, I was 98.2% sure I would die within the next week.

Little seed of doubt…

And so the session went on. And I got to see the effect my death would have…before I had to do it…I got to see a real and tangible emotion- something I myself rarely do/show. And so the end of session came and we made one for the next day. Okay, 80% sure.

Later I saw my prof, we had a good talk as well. Her statement made it  70%...when I told her I didn’t have enough will, she replied that she would have enough will to live for the both of us. And there was a look in her eye.

Night came, okay 60%.

Session came…harder choice came. It was time: live or die. I knew in my heart of hearts, that if I chose hospital, that I would die. If I chose contract and convince my counselor of safety, I’d have some hope back. As odd as that all sounds, that is what I believed. Sure, hospital is supposed to make you safe etc. But I couldn’t take another one. Especially so soon. An attempt would have followed- Being an intelligent psychology student, I know what to say to get in and out of hospitals and the ways in which they work and therapy techniques used. A hospital visit meant I’d get out soon, providing I was convincing enough, and then I’d give suicide a go.

On the other hand, if I gave my word of safety, I would be choosing to live, choosing to face the truth, and choosing to have hope yet again. The choice was mine entirely to make. It was there, on the table. I don’t recall all the thoughts running through my head. But, finally it occurred to me that I did not want to go to the hospital and throw away so much progress. I signed the contract.

Given my pattern…the next thing I knew, I swung intensely in the other direction. I couldn’t be just a little hyper, or a little “up”…no, I had to be all the way turned up, all the way out of depression. And psychotic for goodness sakes. But in a way, I had reason.

Hope was back. Well, back on the upswing of things. It was there, and I felt it.

First, I had someone playing on my level, someone who knew how to get through to me. Then I had someone else willing to step up to plate as well- and more importantly, help validate my thoughts on a treatment course- she helped put some of my faith back in doctors. And then a doctor cemented the trust I was willing to spare him. And so here I am. Hyper as hell still. But still quite irritable, trust me. Around 6pm today, I almost lost it, the control that I am fighting to keep. It is so damn hard. And now, here I am, writing a novel, I think this is four pages. But I had to get this out. Couldn’t concentrate on anything else.

I have medication that I am taking faithfully. The kickass therapist. And a growing support system that I’m making out of a prof, a few people my age, work relationships, and a few from day treatment. I eat, sleep, go to school, and work. I breathe. I have a schedule. I have a “sense” of control.

Is it hard for me to wake up each day still? Yeah, some days it is. I have either lost it, or come close to losing it (“it” being control) more times than I can count. I may have good impulse control, as far as drugs, sex and alcohol are concerned, but control is what I lack. Meaning when I’m up- I go all the way, no stopping and when I’m down- I go all the way down- no stopping. It is very hard to keep a balance. A way to exist in which I can stop the swinging using a combination of the above methods. In fact, it’s even hard to exist some days.

It was so very easy to just give up and let the dark consume me. And that is what I did…I made that conscious choice at some point. I wanted to see how easy it was, what it felt like, and if it could kill me. It is easy, it is hell on earth and it can kill you.

I’m rebuilding my life, brick by brick (did I mention the bricks are about an inch in size?!). That is a difficult thing and I think I still have a long, hard road to travel. But, I made the choice to do it. So I am. And hopefully this time, I am doing it right. I can’t promise I won’t dive into depression, or I won’t give up…I don’t know if I could even promise that I won’t ever try to kill myself again…I know what I am capable of, and I don’t know if I can make it through another depression like the last one…but here…now…I am alive, taking life, about hour by hour or so (sometimes a couple hours or couple minutes). Not more than a day.

A few people think that my life is worth living. And you know what? I can’t wait to see Christy here soon, as I have a surprise for her. My “real” smile.

And so here I am. Several pages later, rambling on. But this needed to come out. I needed to analyze, to think, to know. I was hoping, maybe I might cry, but no such luck…still working on that. But guess that comes all in good time. But here are my rants and raves, all in one entry! And, I think this is my symbol- of hope. That I have it. “How” did I swing up, so fast and so furiously? Perhaps it was because I took the sliver of hope and ran with it…afraid of losing it. Without it, I am lost. I have it, grasped firmly.

Now the real work begins. Can’t wait! Night.

10-7

Just a few things to throw out there. My “sickness” is over…I’m done puking and all that good stuff. Ugh, must have been medication side effects- lucky me.

At the current moment, my head is going about ten times faster than I am able to do things. So there is much lag time between when I want things to be completed and when they actually get completed. I am trying to remedy the situation. There are about between 5 and 6 tasks that require my immediate attention, and then I should be good to go for a while. I have been swinging every which way lately, it feels nice, today I was more level…by level I mean doing a bunch of crap, but not swinging mood wise.

I have also learned the value of several things. One being eating. I know a certain someone who will be most especially grateful and happy to hear that. But, first, I have lost a lot of weight, and now I am on a lot of medication, and I cannot take them without food, no way! And I need to give my body something to go off of, because as it stands now, I’m doing an incredible amount of work. Gotta keep my strength up somewhat. Now, two- Breathing…not just regular breathing that we can do automatically. But taking a nice big deep breath, and counting to ten, eyes sometimes closed. This has gotten me to NOT fly into a rage…as I am prone to do at times, and recently there have been MANY times. So that is always good. So breathing and counting.

And finally- I am trying to actively get myself out of crisis mode. It will not be the end of the world if this article doesn’t get written, or if I can’t do this one paper this week and need to save it for later, or if I have to pull an all nighter…at least I’m here! So I am constantly talking myself down. I have a list of things in my head (maybe make it to paper later) that is in order of importance, and I will do them in such order. I am only one person and I can’t fix it all at once…it will get done when it gets done.

Phew- you have NO IDEA how hard it is to say some of this shit to myself. It is a hard time right now, but I need to keep moving, otherwise I will trip over myself and down I would go. So, mission for this week is to remain upright and perhaps finally at the very least caught up with work. I have other thoughts, but at this moment, its about 1:30am, I have to get up in about seven hours and study for an exam I have. More to come later. Enjoy some of the new poetry and I posted an old poem I found, but actually have never showed anyone, other than to whom the poem was about.

Anyway- hope you guys are alright, talk to you soon.

The Delusion

Sanity is all in the eye of the beholder,

I give it the swift cold shoulder.

To unreality I do descend,

Hoping I can just comprehend-

To understand this certain madness.

Do I meet it with sadness?

Or with a little smile,

Knowing it can be quite versatile.

I touch, yet do not feel;

I’m alive, yet feel surreal.

I see, yet I am blind,

I’m insane, but of sound mind.

I listen, but am unable to hear,

Hoping they will just disappear.

I catch the scent, but it’s now gone,

Death fades with the dawn.

I taste it’s pleasure and pain,

Preferring to just abstain.

The soft swirl and hushed whisper these days,

Make known this soft, growing craze.

What is real, and what is the illusion?

That is all, part of the delusion.

10-6

Can we say "delusional"? Honestly, I think the three rants below are of some other person. I look at me tonight versus me this morning and from Tuesday night on. What a difference. Like night and day. It's incredible really. Let me update you all.

Today: ALL of my laundry is done- even folded, hung up, or put away...including bedding. My room was cleaned- every inch of it, and semi-organized...that still needs a little work, but all in good time. All trash was taken out, including some renegade razors from the past. Deodorant and all the other bathroom accessories were bought and put in rightful place. Clothes were organized by color, type etc. Books were semi-organized. My mind was semi-organized! Several emails have been written and a schedule is being set. I am awake and focused.

From Tuesday-Sunday morning- This was what my life was: Hell, pure hell. I couldn't wake up in the morning. When I awoke I felt that I wasn't of this world- a clear cut in reality for me. It took effort just to walk. I cannot recall events from Friday day to Sunday evening except for a few snippets. I could barely shower or find clothes. I looked around and felt completely cut off from the outside world. I just pulled the covers over my head. I puked a lot, my throat hurt a lot, my head hurt, my body ached, my neck ached. I gagged or threw up pills. I didn't eat, I barely slept. I just stared at times, not sure if I was alive or dead. In fact, I remember heading out to my car thinking: so this is what the undead feel like. I felt dead in this living world. I was not in reality. The things I write below- I don't even know how it came from my mind, much less me typing them. So from Tuesday to Sunday where was I? My living hell.

But luckily- my sanity has returned...how I don't know, but it is returning slowly and I'm forcing myself to do stuff...I am far far behind in work, but will catch up with time and the grace of my wonderful professors. I am counting the minutes until I see my pdoc, I have got to get this stuff figured out. I can't have another week like last!!!

Hope everyone is doing alright and talk to you all soon. Take care.  

10-5

Arg...I can't put a thought together...what is wrong...I......can't.....be coherent. Sorry, I can't write much- nothing is making sense in my head- something is wrong, I know it. I can feel it. I can barely stand on my own two feet, when I want to talk, the wrong things come out and I am just so not "with it." I hope this passes...I hope someone can help me...I am drowning. Ugh.

10-5

Okay, now my mind is raising the white flag. I fucking give up. Up, down all around, which way is up? I’ve lost my way. Instead of this week being one of my better ones, it has turned out to be an all out disaster. This was the week where I got myself together, where I started to make some headway in this world.

This was the week that should have given me hope to go on another day.

Instead, it was the week from hell, that has all but extinguished my hope. Instead of being ahead in school for once, I fall even further behind. Instead of having a nice organized work/living space- it’s a worse disaster than when I started. Instead of having a few designated places for “fun,” I neither have the energy nor the time for it. Instead of moving in the direction of moving toward having friends again, I move farther than I’ve ever been. Instead of my body adjusting to all of my freakin medication, its revolting against me.

I give up, I just give up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at my wits end. I can’t get ahead. I wanted to so badly. I wanted a freakin life so badly…and then to have it backfire this badly. Of all the times for my plans to backfire…why now? Why did it have to crumble now? If there is some great big “plan” in all of this, I don’t know what it could possibly be, except to tear me completely down so I’m on my knee’s begging for enough. Because I’ve had enough. I can’t be beaten any further than I am now.

I came so close to swallowing one of the many bottles of pills I now find myself in possession of. Then tonight, I thought about how badly I just wanted to drink and mix pills. That was after I drove for many hours, not even sure how many I actually drove, but it was enough.

And so here it is 2am…and I don’t have a fucking clue. I’m ready to give it all up again. I gave things a chance and the next day it just collapses. I feel like my life is made of cards (thin ones at that)…one slight whisper, one slight breath and all it goes down, crumbling. Each one of my depressions is getting worse, beginning with the one I had when I was thirteen. This last one was the worse by far. So I ask myself- how many more can I really make it through? I know the answer, and I suspect many can guess the answer. My up's started with the most bizarre and worst, then slacked off...now they are going back toward that way.

My time here is running out. Can I find myself before it's too late? Can I save myself before I end it? Can I believe in happiness? Can I believe in hope?

Can I live…another day? I only wish.

10-3

I think my body is raising a white flag. In just the last few weeks I’ve put it through medication hell. Going from no medication to an anti-depressant, to an anti-psychotic/tranquilizer, to stimulant, to mood stabilizer, to amocacillian (sp?) to allegro stuff for throat infection. Holy cow. I’m on like thirteen or fourteen pills right now- whose body can take that? Though, I’ll admit, I haven’t been taken everything- too hard…I”ve thrown up some pills, gagged some pills…just can’t take that many! But I know its seriously messing with my moods, or maybe I’m just hit with too much at once.

Tonight, I feel depressed. Maybe its because the last few days I’ve only been able to lay in bed, instead of getting back on my feet again, as was my plan. I was so excited on Monday, when I finally got the diagnosis and on the right meds, and really felt I was on the right track. I had a plan of action and so many things to get in order. And then Tuesday my world fell apart, as with all of my plans for the week. I got violently ill while taking care of four children. I still haven’t done laundry, I had a mid term I was supposed to take, but will have to make up Monday or Wednesday…around the same time as another major test that I have. Not to mention I have several major duties coming up for my research team and work. All of it, it seems, is due at once. And here I am, barely able to lift my head up off my pillow. I feel seriously screwed.

And so I ask myself…why don’t I get a fucking break? I had so many plans, I was so ready to look ahead and think positively, just as everyone wanted me to. But tonight, I am far, far from that. More on the dark side of things. Like something or someone is giving me a sign that I just don’t deserve a life that is nice- that I always will be struggling, so what’s the point of even trying to dig myself out of these holes I find myself in.

I didn’t write about this a few days ago, but I’ll mention it now, because I’m waiting for some sleeping pills to kick in so I can forget about my miserable life. I allowed myself a moment of sadness the other day. I don’t quite recall which day it was, but I felt it. I was driving to my babysitting job, of which one of the kids has autism and is my buddy. And I thought back on my life and was sad- sad because I thought of all the times I’ve missed out on because of something somebody did to me as a child, or because of an illness that has racked my body since I was thirteen on. It’s like a “real” childhood was taken from me and left in its place was just broken periods of happiness and scarred memories, and learned behaviors I still carry with me. And all I remember of my adolescence- suicidal feelings. From the time I was thirteen years old, nights consumed me- all with thoughts of how to end my life. That’s a hell of a way to live let me tell you. The times I missed out on then. What a waste. What a waste of a life I’ve lived up until now.

Ah, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I’m just not in a very good mood right now, as you can clearly see.

I had another thought, but I seem to have lost it…whatever it was, it wasn’t good. I…I just was so ready to move forward in my life and then I yet again get a road block. I’m sick of it- nothing is EVER easy…why can’t I just have something easy, just for once…please, I’d do anything for that, please. I find it so hard to keep faith, to keep hope, when time and again, I am constantly pushed down. I stand up tall, and then suddenly, just like that- down I go again. Where is the rhyme and reason to that?! God, it’s not even easy for me to see a fucking psychiatrist. I decided to turn a blind eye to my finances, and put my mental health first. Man, bad idea, checked the account this morning, and I was definitely in the negative. Got my ass to the bank to cash two checks and I’m in good standing again…but still, it is going to be super tight for a little while, while I pay for my psychiatrist and therapist out of pocket. Ugh. I should have been working this week- would have definitely put me in good financial standing- but no, I get sick. Because NOTHING IS EASY! It’s like not even medium. It just always hard and then some.

So yeah, this is Erin, just pretty much sick of everything. Which of course is never a good thing. But oh well, such is my life. I will make doubly sure that I don’t throw up or gag up the effexor tomorrow, so that gets in me no matter what. At this point, I’d rather be hyper than depressed.

Anyway, night all.

10-1

Oh what a day…then again, I’m having many of those. Couldn’t get up for the life of me. Seroquel and Depakote is kicking my ass. Although my prof says I’m still making up for the one night I had one hour…probably a combination, except it’s been happening the last four or five mornings. Just can’t get the energy to get up, so I drift in and out of sleep. Last night was a little different because I kept waking up, 3:00, 4:00 and so on until I finally got up around 10:30, 11:00. Ugh- there goes about four tasks I was supposed to have done by then. Luckily I compensated and moved stuff around, and somehow made my day work.

Around 12:00 or so, I got a bit on the hyper side. Went to Dr.’s with a family I work for, watched my little guy- he was happy to see me, put a smile on my face!! What a joy. That kept me in a good mood for a bit, briefly stopped by school for a quick talk with a prof, then off to an IEP meeting for one of the kids I have.

And that is when my day took a downturn. The school and the parents and I are locked in a bitter battle about providing services for the sweet little girl. What a nightmare. I got very hyped up, and very angry. It took all the courage in the world not to explode. I got my two…no five…no ten cents worth in. Got into a little heated debate, I almost lost it then…I had to take deep breaths. Though- meeting finally concluded, no conclusion really reached. But I had to jet off to a research meeting I was late for. And let me tell you- me hyper and angry/irritated is not good when in the driver seat of the car. Ugh, drove a little on the fast side, but heck made it to my meeting in good time.

Though I was still very upset. I just couldn’t’ really calm down.

And what really struck me- is I realized I was close to losing it (meaning out of control). That was scary! I was on the edge. My mind…was just kinda out there today- I HATE that feeling…I wish it didn’t happen, its only later I realized how bad off I was and how close I was to just losing it. I hope some of these meds kick in quick, this is not looking like to be one of my “good” ups.

But, LUCKILY, I am babysitting four kiddo’s until tomorrow (Wednesday) night, with only a two hour break as I go to class tomorrow (today? Lol) Well, as soon as I walked through the door, the one little guy who I work with (has autism) leapt into my arms! I smiled big! He held on for a while, he rarely does that!! And so, the two younger ones were already asleep, so I put my little guy and his older brother to bed and hop onto my laptop.

A few minutes later I hear a cry upstairs. I creep up there and it’s my little guy crying!!! Not sure if he had a nightmare or what (he’s verbal, but barely)…so he climbs into my arms and we sit in the hall way for a while, while he clings to me and rests his head on my shoulder.

Finally I get up and try to put him in bed and he clings tight and so I lay with him. After a while, I try to get him to go on his side and off of me and he does so, but throws his arm around me and nestles close. Then we are just kinda looking at each other and a calmness just flows around us. He starts to drift asleep, but keeps opening one eye to see if I’m still there- so cute. Finally he seems asleep, so I try and get up, but nope- he throw’s his arm back around me, and settles in closer. So needless to say, I had to wait until he was definitely to sleep.

But he did the trick- I am still quite awake…but most definitely calm. I don’t know what it is about that little guy- but we most definitely have a bond that I just can’t explain. I’m glad God decided to put him into my life.

So anyway- a day that I thought was going to be hell, ends alright…and I’m out of my little “frenzy” and looking forward to tomorrow. Hope everyone else had a good day- night.

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