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Funny Quotes
Mark Twain
Albert Einstein
Neither genius, fame, nor love show the greatness of the soul. Only kindness can do that.
- Jean Baptiste Henri Lacordaire
Class has a sense of humor. It knows that a good laugh is the best lubricant for oiling the machinery of human relations. Class never makes excuses. It takes its lumps and learns from past mistakes. Class bespeaks an aristocracy unrelated to ancestors or money. Some extremely wealthy people have no class at all, while others who are struggling to make ends meet are loaded with it. Class is real. You can't fake it. Class never tries to build itself up by tearing others down. Class is already up and need not attempt to look better by making others look worse. Everyone is comfortable with the person who has class because he is comfortable with himself. If you have class, you've got it made. If you don't have class, no matter what else you have, it won't make up for it.
- Ann Landers
Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself the most comforting words of all; this too shall pass.
- Ann Landers
If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me."
- Ann Landers
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
- Pierre Laplace (1749-1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics make no mention of God.
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
- La Rochefourauld
Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enought to know they were impossible.
- Doug Larson
People don't ask for facts in making up their minds. They would rather have one good, soul-satisfying emotion than a dozen facts.
- Robert Keith Leavitt
Physics isn't a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.
- Leon Lederman
It is well that war is so terrible, or we should get too fond of it.
- Robert E. Lee
You must be careful how you walk, and where you go, for there are those following you who will set their feet where yours are set.
- Robert E. Lee
The education of a man is never completed until he dies.
- Robert E. Lee
There is a terrible war coming, and these young men who have never seen war cannot wait for it to happen, but I tell you, I wish that I owned every slave in the South, for I would free them all to avoid this war.
- Robert E. Lee
It is true that liberty is precious - so precious that it must be rationed.
- Nikolai Lenin
We'd like to say thank you on behalf of the group and ourselves, and we hope we passed the audition.
- John Lennon (at the taping of the 'Let it Be' album, 1969)
Andy Kaufman was by far the most innovative comedian at that time - although he never liked being called a comedian. With Andy, you never knew whom you were talking to. He liked to disappear into different personas offstage as well as onstage and refused to ever break character. He was a remarkable guy, but basically confusing to spend any time around.
- Jay Leno
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
- Gloria Leonard
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
- Aaron Levenstein
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
- Sam Levenson
Ask a man which way he is going to vote, and he will probably tell you. Ask him, however, why, and vagueness is all.
- Bernard Levin
The world began without man, and it will complete itself without him.
- Claude Levi-Strauss
If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
- Stephen Levine
If you want truly to understand something, try to change it.
- Kurt Lewin
The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.
- C.S. Lewis
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
- A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
- Abraham Lincoln
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
- Abraham Lincoln
The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma.
- Abraham Lincoln
My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.
- Abraham Lincoln
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool then to speak out and remove all doubt.
- Abraham Lincoln
Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
- Abraham Lincoln
Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
- Abraham Lincoln
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
- Abraham Lincoln
He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help.
- Abraham Lincoln
I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend.
- Abraham Lincoln
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
- Abraham Lincoln
You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.
- Abraham Lincoln
Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die?
- Charles Lindbergh Jr.
While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.
- Henry C. Link
Where all men think alike, no one thinks very much.
- Walter Lippmann
Even though life may be a struggle at many times it is still an art and it up to each one of us to use the gifts that God gave us to the absolute fullest to make each one of our lives the masterpiece it can be.
- Craig Lock
New opinions are always suspected, and usually opposed, without any other reason but because they are not already common.
- John Locke
I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts.
- John Locke
The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength , not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will.
- Vince Lombardi
The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor.
- Vince Lombardi
Winning is a habit. Unfortuantely, so is losing.
- Vince Lombardi
Winning is not everything. It's the only thing.
- Vince Lombardi
Being intelligent is not a felony, but most societies evaluate it as at least a misdemeanor.
- Lazarus Long
Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth (1884-1980)
Sex appeal is 50 per cent what you've got, and 50 percent what people think you've got.
- Sophia Loren
The average person thinks he isn't.
- Father Larry Lorenzoni
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- Joe Louis
Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, "She doesn't have what it takes." They will say, "Women don't have what it takes".
- Clare Boothe Luce
Censorship, like charity, should begin at home, but unlike charity, it should end there.
- Clare Boothe Luce
No good deed goes unpunished.
- Clare Boothe Luce
Business more than any other occupation is a continual dealing with the future; it is a continual calculation, an instinctive exercise in foresight.
- Henry R. Luce
There are four things that hold back human progress. Ignorance, stupidity, committees and accountants.
- Charles J.C. Lyall
Yesterday is a canceled check; tomorrow is a promisary note; today is the only cash you have - so spend it wisely.
- Kay Lyons