You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that
stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket
runs his cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor
and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail
when you're slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop,
but you don't realize it till
you walk across your living room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid
wrapper never works for you.

There's a dog in the neighborhood
that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box
the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch
you look in the mirror and discover a piece of
parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can
into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air
while you're trying to get a reading.

A radio station comes in brilliantly
when you're standing near the radio
but buzzes, drifts and spits
every time you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes
that won't pop out of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket
and your entire laundry comes out
covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn
because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical
contact with your filling.

You set the alarm on your digital clock
for 7pm instead of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you
who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and
can't turn the bathroom
doorknob to get out.
(unknown)

When the mother returned from the grocery store,
her small son pulled out the box
of animal crackers he had begged for,
then he spread the animal-shaped crackers
all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them
if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."
(unknown)

I believe five out of four people
have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, & winners never quit,
what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?

What hair color do they put on
the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures
of missing husbands on beer cans.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with little tiny spoons and forks,
so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.
Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals
up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do... write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear
until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

No one ever says "It's only a game"
when their team is winning.

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

If you can't be kind,
at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning
would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss,
why aren't more people happy?

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN?

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
(unknown)