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Live To Be 80I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"He asked,"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?" 
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf/ sailing/ballooning/rock climbing ?" "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?" "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?" Healing the SickGrandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead." Viagra CoffeeThis elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ''Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive.'' The doctor smiled and said, ''Have you tried to give him Viagra?'' The lady frowned. ''Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,'' she claimed. ''Well,'' the doctor continued, ''Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing.'' The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. 
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and
the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. ''How did it go?'' the doctor asked. ''Terrible, doctor, terrible.'' ''Did it not work?'' ''Yes,'' the old lady said, ''It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years.' ''Then what is the problem, ma'am?'' ''Well,'' she said. ''I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again.'' PrescriptionsAn old man strode in to his doctors office and said,"Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith." "Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?" The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February." |
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