1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think.
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. don t use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
30. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
33. Tell your friends 4 days prior that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
DUMB BLONDE JOKES (not ALL blondes are dumb, mind you!)...I think #15 is my favorite
1.) What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
2.) Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
3.) Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.
4.) What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but never see them.
5.) What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios? Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.
6.) Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
7.) Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
8.) How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
9.) Why can't Blondes dial 911? They can't find the 11 on the phone!
10.) What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you? Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
11.) How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer? There is white-out all over the monitor.
12.) Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
13.) A brunnette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of herbody with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks,"Where you ever a Blonde?" "Yes I was." she replies. "why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"
14.) A Blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said,"Where,where?"
15.) A brunnette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21" Suddenly, the brunnette hears a train whistle and jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place. The Brunnettegoes backto jumping from rail to rail , counting "22" "22" "22"
16.) How do you drown a Blonde? Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
17.) Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
18.) How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
19.) Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
20.) Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to deathin their car at the drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for Winter".
21.) Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
22.) A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and wathces her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning?!"
23.) Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
24.) Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"
25.) Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
26.) What happenned to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training.
27.) What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
28.) Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side.
29)How can you tell if a blonde tried to die his hair? His face will be the same color as his hair
30.) How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
CHRISTIAN PICK-UP LINES
1) Nice bible.
2) I would like to pray with you.
3) You know Jesus? Me too.
4) God told me to come talk to you.
5) I know a church where we could go and talk.
6) Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug!
7) Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8) Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.
9) Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
10) What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
11) The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry." How about dinner?
12) You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
13) Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?
14) Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
15) Would you happen to know a Christian woman (man) that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
16) Nice bracelet (WWJD). Who would Jesus date? Oops, I mean...
17) Do you believe in Divine appointment?
18) Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?
19) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
20) My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.
21) You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.
22) Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.
Actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dove soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on box bottom): Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (And whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Hmm, now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (have lobotomy)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)